A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a bad traumatic relationship that just screwed me up and I've turned into someone that I no longer recognizes. I hit rock bottom and was in deep depression but now I am healing and trying to move on. The thing is while I was 'hiding' my best friend has turned into a clone of my former self, she used to copy me in school but now as adults it's just too apparent that she completely absorbed my personality, character and mannerism that it's frightening. Now that 'I'm trying to be back' I can sense she is very unhappy and tries to bring me down with the whole 'remember what he did?' and also she can't stop putting me down and I really do think it's on purpose. She is getting very sarcastic and treats me without much respect, calling me names and pass it as a joke. I'm not being overly sensitive but right now I really can't stand her any longer but she won't leave me alone also. I'm feeling really down because her words and actions are hurtful and I'm still not back 'back' yet and I only dare to drop hints for her to stop it and don't pretend to be me, she's now defensive and put it like I'm the crazy loser and she is who she is 'the original' and I am being dramatic. Am I? She's really getting to me. Please help. Thank you.
View related questions:
best friend, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo 'A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008':
Thank you so much for your answer and sharing what you are going through as well. I am happy to say I have already let go and I am now finally moving on. I can see very clearly now how abusive my friendship with my best friend was, at first I was irritated then retreated to think that it's so mean of me to bitch about her like that online, I was torn but then I saw her for what she really is, an abusive person. She has now completely ignored me and at first I was feeling bad but now I am feeling really good. I am really glad to have ended my friendship with her though she didnt take it that well. She accused me of so many things blatantly saying I've changed and of course being a bitch and said that I have hurt her, then she just boycotted me and stopped contacting me which actually is really good for me. I could smile often now and put my past to rest, I do not have to be reminded day in and out about my relationship with my ex or how stupid and worthless I was and really just move on with my life. Please break it off with your friend because you are right she is toxic, friends never were meant to hurt you on purpose so that they could ease their own frustration or making their own situation improve by channeling all the bad emotions onto you and make you feel small and guilty. I understand perfectly now that it wasnt all completely love or care that she felt for me instead i think she honestly hated me and like to see me suffer and never get back up. When I tried to slowly 'get out' from my depression and state of mind, that challenged her status quo in our situation and thus she did what she did so that I could continue to literally 'rot' in misery and I think she enjoyed it. I don't have resentment towards her nor do I want to hurt her, she told my other friends that I am plotting revenge that I am a crazy bitch, I was so hurt because I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore and that is it. So please break it off with your toxic friend, trust me once and for all get it done with and you will really feel relieved. I am feeling much better now and will start my new job soon and of course my new life. Thank you so much for answering my question and I really do hope you could find happiness too in letting go of that friend of yours. Take care ya!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): Dear Girl, whoever you may be,I am in an abusive relationship. I have a friend who is so unbelievable insecure, and takes it all out on me. I have extreme anger towards her because she will randomly call me and tell me that I am a liar and that I will never find myself and that I am a bad person. This perhaps, is because I vent to others about her, and she finds out. The thing about her, though, is that she completely brings it on herself. Everyone in the community has a large amount of disrespect for her. And I believe that I have true friends, I consider her a toxic friend. I have tried to make it work so many times, and SHE can not handle who she is and takes it out on me. Tonight was the last straw. She called me from across the country and bitched for about two minutes. I am going to try to break it off with her, becasue the relationship isnt good for either of us. We dont trust eachother. I understand that it could be very hard for you, and I know becasue I have tried at least 5 times. But be strong. She really is trying to hurt you out of her own insecurities. No doubt. All of the above people are right. Also, she could be keeping you around because you're the only sense of reality she has, and maybe the only person who can be real with her. It's no your fault though. Let it go.
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (11 February 2008):
In response to your last sentence, NO she is not so overly caring that you crosses the boundaries. Shes manipulative and controlling and basically abusive. A caring person doesnt put you down, even if its 'for your own good' or because you 'need to know the truth'. Shes simply doing it because she likes to intimidate you so SHE can feel better about HERSELF. The only reason she is 'there for you' all the time is because she sees it as a chance to take advantage of the weak (ie you in trouble).
Shes trying to ruin your friendships with your other friends, probably so you feel so alone that you feel you have to keep her as a friend because if you dont, then you would 'have no one'.
She has some major insecuritie issues I think because she tries to steal your identity (insecure people always do this) and also because she puts you down and tries to intimidate you- to make herself feel better. Not to mention the fact that she is trying to destroy your friendships- that screams jealousy and insecurity.
I know its hard to get rid of people who are bad for you and its often easier said then done, but its important that you really do this for yourself, so you must find a way. Do you think that you could tell her on the phone or in person? If not, thats OK. Its not like shes the most respectable person and deserves you to give her a decent amount of respect and a good explanation as to why you are cutting her out of your life. You could consider writing a letter, or sending a message via email, phone or whatever...
The important thing is that you find SOMEWAY to do it.
But be preapred that if you do tell her to leave you alone and why she will come up with some twisted justifications as to why she does things and she will probably try to guilt you into changing your mind. So it could be best to send her a message so she cant talk back to you type of thing.
Hope this has helped, if you need any more advice/support, feel free to PM me :)
...............................
A
male
reader, Somethingeasy  +, writes (10 February 2008):
 I too am recovering from a damaged relationship, and finding out who and what I was is great again.As for you, having someone like that around is not best for you. When you were you before would you have someone tailing you around pretending to be you? I did, but kept them at a distance. They were my friends. Thats why we were friends, cause we were like one another in many ways. Catch my drift?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the answers and encouragement. Really appreciate it. To be honest, I really don't know how to tell her off and I only dropped hints but she burst into tears and said she's nothing like me and how dare I even could suggest something so vile and she said she has been there for me all these while and how could I do this to her and she went on and on until I heard the words: crazy and ungrateful. She's making me feel guilty and small. Does it mean she doesn't want me to get better? I recently met up with my other friends with her included and I was happy, somehow back to my old self and she was really silent the whole time and when we're home she sent me a text and said that my old friends were just being fake to me and that they talk about me behind my back. She said she's telling me for my own good cos I was behaving like a clown. I know she is my best friend, I know she's been there for me but also I feel that she's keeping me 'here' and the thing is she's always there for me, always, even when I don't want her to. Constantly reminding me of what I went through and then said I should do this and that for my own good and she's the only one who is true to me. Everyday she is constantly feeding me with grief, even when I do not want to have contact with her, she shows up and said she was worried about me and I feel this is getting twisted and I even had a nightmare about her sucking me dry like some kind of a tree parasite. I think I will loose my temper very soon but I'm torn for I don't know whether moving on is asking her to shut up and let me be or is it that she genuinely is that caring until she has crossed her boundaries?
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (10 February 2008):
Sounds to me like she is only bringing you down and isnt contributing in a positive way to your life at all. Why do you even call her a friend? YOU deserve to have a friend who is much better, one who supports you, who doesnt try to steal your ideas and call you the copy cat, one who encourages you and respects you. She isnt this person sadly. I would tell you to end this friendship but I wnt because its not a friendship- she isnt being a friend to you at all is she?? So what I will say is end contact with her. You can either just stop talking to her and avoid her, or you can tell her you no wish to have contact with her. Its up to you. Do you feel you can do this? I hope you can as it will be best for you in the long run.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): I wouldnt call her a friend. She is going on like this because she is the insecure one. You need to be very firm with her and tell her to back off and gradually cut her out of your life. Try and get out more and into a different social scene. Its not easy, but not impossible. Go to some night classes, start a new hobby, how about self defense for women, or maybe change jobs and go in for some inhouse training that goes with the jobs, but get rid of her, she is the crazy one. Be firm and strong and take each day at a time.
take care
xx
...............................
|
