A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is going to sound ridiculous but basically, I can't keep a boyfriend because I'm too fake, because I'm so insecure.I've never had a long term partner, no one for more than about 4 months. People often call me attractive and everyone says i ooze confidence but they couldn't be more wrong. Its all a front and I'm so scared that people will see the real me.I'm a natural redhead and have the very pale freckley skin that goes with this. I'm not attractive and dont have a perfect figure. I get tanned twice a week, dye my hair black and have extensions put it fortnightly, not to mention having my eyelashes, nails and eyebrows done weekly. I spend a fortune trying to be someone that society would prefer me to be. When I look like that I get a lot of attention and compliments, but I'm too scared to have a relationship or even sleep (in the same room) as a guy incase they see me in the morning, hence none of my relationships lasting. Even my own parents say they don't recognise me without all my fakery, no one would look twice at me.I'm scared now as some of my girlfriends are talking about doing a summer holiday for a fortnight. I won't be able to keep up the fakery and while they're all tanning and bronzing away my tan will be wearing off to reveal my freckled paleness. I don't think I can go. This may sound stupid but it's a real issue to me and I don't know how to solve it
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 You can’t keep a boyfriend because you are too insecure and don’t love yourself. It has nothing to do with too fake…
Natural redheads with pale skin and freckles are adored and loved here… most of them are so pretty… such fragile beauties… do not get the whole ginger problem outside of the states at all…
Tanning is bad for you… and makes your freckles worse… and will give you skin cancer…. If you are addicted to tanning you need to wean yourself off it. If not addicted just stop… no harm in that.
Black hair is not attractive on most folks . It’s goth and has no depth and is clearly not a natural look. I have very very dark hair and have spent over 20 years dying it RED… yes red. I love being a redhead. I have gone back to my natural color for two reasons… one of which is my husband prefers darker hair (although we started dating and got serious when I was a redhead and my move back to my natural color was progressive over a year… in fact he still referred to me as a “feisty redhead” a year after I went to my natural color. The second reason I went to my natural color is because it’s so much easier and cheaper to maintain touching up gray when I’m not covering dark roots.
Go to the salon… have them strip out the extensions which are probably bad for your hair (I just cut my hair and my husband hates it so I asked him if I should get extensions till it grows out and he said no thankfully) and talk about whether or not they can move you back easily to your natural color or if you want to be progressive about it… one shade lighter every 6-8 weeks till you are at your natural color again is not too drastic and for folks that see you regularly they won’t even notice all that much.
STOP trying to be someone society would prefer and start being true to yourself and being who you want to be.
I’m not even sure why you think that society would prefer you to be something you are not.
You assume no one would look at you being true to yourself but you are mistaken.
I strongly STRONGLY suggest therapy for you to work on you lack of self-esteem and confidence… the truth is that your body and your hair and nails and all that crap is just wrapping the true you. What matters are you insides and until you get that fixed no amount of tinkering on the outside will fix your insides.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): You solve it by dropping all the fakery and letting the real "you " show and learning to see that there's nothing wrong with you.
You are full of shame and shame is the most destructive emotion to have as well as the hardest to get rid of. Shame often gets worse and worse over time if you give in and cater to it like trying to cover it up rather than confront it head on and vanquish it by learning to feel differently about the issue that you are currently ashamed of.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 March 2013):
I used to be like you when I was in highschool. I thought no-one liked the real me so I hid behind a mask, just like you're doing. I dyed my hair blonde, covered my uneven skin with makeup to make it look flawless and a bit tan and got hair extensions. I was so paranoid about roots showing I dyed my hair every 3 weeks (and completely fried it in the process). The thing is, even though I thought no-one could see through my mask, they did. Most people told me I looked good this way, but the guy I fancied was blunt and honest. When I was talking to a friend about some new eye-shadow, he told me: 'why don't you lay off on the makeup and just grow your hair naturally? I bet you look much prettier that way'. I was dumbstruck and felt hurt at first, but after a while I began to realize he was right.
Today, at 24, I only wear BB-cream if my skin is having a bad day and a bit of mascara because the ends of my eyelashes are blonde. I dyed my hair as close as I could get to my natural hair color, cut off all the damage and grew it out. My hair now reaches my hips and it's all natural, and frankly, it looks so much better than putting in hair extensions. I'm on an exercise regime that helps tone my body so I'm strong instead of skinny (which will never be a good look on me). I get much more attention from guys now than I did in my fake days. Plus now I don't have to spend hours getting ready in the morning.
In the beginning I was terrified of letting go of my routine. But honestly, as cliche as it sounds, it's liberating. When I first came back to school with less makeup (I didn't go cold turkey) and my hair cut short and dyed brown, I was afraid people would criticize me. They didn't. They all said they liked it. One girl commented my hair now was so much better than with hair extensions, even though I did my best to make those hair extensions look as natural as possible. It's just more proof people can see through fakery.
And I'll be honest with you: I love red hair. Just the other day I saw a girl with dyed brown hair, with red roots showing and I thought to myself 'Why in the world would you dye your hair when your natural color is that pretty?' Red rocks. Freckles rock. I wish I had them. Look at models like Cynthia Dicker. She has red hair, pale skin and freckles and she looks great.
So try to let go of your mask. Do it in steps. Start letting go of the most expensive things, like your nails, fake eyelashes and hair extensions. Do it one by one. Keep your nails neat and in one color. Use heavy mascara the first day you don't use fake eyelashes and then work your way down to regular mascara. Get rid of your hair extensions and get a hair cut to cut the damage off. Then slowly work your way back to your natural haircolor by dying it lighter. Luckily for you, dying your hair lighter usually leaves a reddish tint, so it won't be very hard to go back natural (as opposed how hard it is when you have a naturally ashy color).
At first you may not like how you look. I sure didn't. But that's because your mask has become your default and everything else looks strange besides it. Fight the urge to go back to fake. Your mind will adjust, trust me. You'll look back at pictures of the old you and wonder how you ever thought that was better than the more natural you.
If you're dealing with extreme insecurity during all this, I suggest to get counseling. Having someone in your corner who knows how to motivate you really helps. I got my best friend to help me. I discussed my plans with her and she was really supportive in getting me back on track. I'm pretty sure your parents will be glad too if you go back to your natural self.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): Another way of looking at this is to understand that consumerism - ie. big, money making businesses - have slowly and steadily been eroding women's confidence in themselves for decades now and sending out very 'commercial' ideas of 'beauty'. The ONLY reason that they do this is to MAKE MONEY. In other words, through advertising and so-on, big businesses have increasingly brainwashed as many people as possible - but especially YOUNG women into thinking that what they naturally have is inadequate. Your predicament is that you have effectively become a victim of these consumerist messages, along with thousands if not millions of other girls. But rather than rejecting all of this stuff and doing something drastic you can take a very realistic view of the situation and think "okay, I've been kinda duped, but I can't totally change my mind overnight because I can't yet see what other kinds of beauty there are apart from the 'fake' ones involving hair extensions etc". You can GRADUALLY reduce the amount of fake stuff that you are using on yourself to construct your image. So, you could begin by having a very natural looking manicure and then removing the hair extensions - you could just wear your hair 'up' for a while to make it less noticeable that you don't have the extensions. Then slowly wear less make up and/or go for increasingly paler tan colours. Whilst you are doing this, you can boost your confidence in other ways. The people around you sound EXTREMELY hung up on how they and how you look and it will be in your best interest to understand that not everyone thinks in this way. I can absolutely guarantee that there are other people, including of your own age, who will be thinking "why does that girl have to wear all that fake stuff, I just want to see what she really looks like/who she really is"? The trick here would be to do activities where it absolutely does not matter one bit what you look like. For example, you could do some voluntary work helping animals, or in a school with little children, or with the blind or old people or even by telephone. Or you could do things like join a walking group where people go for walks in the country, or a group where people help to rescue a natural part of the town or city. There is also a creative side to what you are doing - but instead of directing this all towards yourself in the expensive way that you are, you could find a jewellery making class at evening school or some sort of arts course or sewing class - what you are doing to yourself is a major and ongoing construction work, so if you start constructing other things - whether it be a painting, a dress or a necklace, your creativity will become evident in other ways.Either this gradual way or just take a deep breath and do it all in one go. But the main thing is find people who have a different set of values otherwise you'll keep being put down whatever you do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): I haven't read through the other posts, but I can completely relate to you. I have pale, pasty skin that does not tan, as well. I'm so pale that I was often the butt of jokes throughout high school. After I graduated, I mastered the art of the self-tanner. As you might already know, this takes time to perfect, but was well worth it in the end. The downfall, is that it doesn't fade like a real tan, instead, it globs off like some type of skin disease and I have to go in hibernation for 2 days before I can start over. I'm also acclimated to the fake hair, eyelashes and make-up tricks. I DO feel confident and attractive when I tend to my articifical additives, but, at the end of the day, after I get out of the shower, I look in the mirror and say, "Who the heck is that?" I feel like a fraud, but I like being pretty, even if it's not the real me. I have this regressive fear, stemming from my high school bullies, that if I revert to ol' naturale, I will be shunned and stoned. And while this might be an exaggeration, I know I won't be considered attractive. I can't afford the fake uokeep, either, and it is very time consuming, but I'm way too scared to let people see the real me. I'm sorry that you are struggling, too. I wish I had a wand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): i love red heads…accept your self the way you are. People would only look down on you when you look down on your self
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): Thank you for your answers.I got bullied tremendously at school, I was very overweight, short and dumpy and obviously had the red hair. I had no confidence and while all my friends were growing up and getting boyfriends I was sat at home wallowing in self pity. Eventually a friend persuaded me to go out and I did but no one looked twice at me where as all my friends had guys all over them. It was a few months later at a family wedding when I was given a spray tan - as were all the other bridesmaids - and died my hair slightly darker as the other 5 were all brunettes. The following night we all went out and it was so different, I was actually getting attention and people seemed to like me for the first time in my life. Shortly after that I started seeing someone but he turned out to be a bully and when he saw me without my tan he called me names - like the ones id been subjected to at school and bang went any scrap of confidence I had and it's been like that ever since. The women in those photos are beautiful, there's no denying that
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): You need to learn to love the real you ... My children are both strawberry fair, blue eyes and pale skinned and my oldest daughter 5 going on 25 of course haha has loads of confidence because as parents it's our job to instil that in our kids, and I somehow think with you that's been somehow missed.Being red headed is nothing to be ashamed off. Where I live girls are dying their hair red.. Being pale skinned to men, is damn sexy, and having freckles are a sign of beauty . Now listen careful . Yes it's good to enhance what god gave us that's a women's thing in life.. But you have changed you so much that even you feel it's false..Go to the hairdressers and get that lovely auburn red hair of your highlighted with blonde lights all over like Nicola Kidman ( easy to keep up every 8 to 12 weeks) then go down to a golden honey tan needs reapplied every 2 weeks or go natural... Go natural on your makeup too. Go to boots get them to give you a free make over.. It's very in to be natural and less expensive and more real.I have a friend similar position as you.. Had to do her face every morning and do her hair before her fella could see her.. They parted because he felt she was to high maintenance .. And do you know once she got rid of the junk and went natural she felt so much better in herself..Now I think going away with the girls would be too much at the minute.. But when your ready, Just do a radical make over.. Nothing you have told me makes me think your not as lovely as your personality.. Your a hotty who doesn't realises it, I bet..Take care sweetie...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): You have a very flawed image of beauty OP.
http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs32/f/2008/216/9/2/Redhead_by_Implified.jpg
http://data.whicdn.com/images/7182971/redhead-freckles-gallery-4_large.jpg
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbsi20mUbx1qh3x1zo1_500.png
Can you honestly tell me there'a anything wrong with the hair colour or skin tone of those women?
Because I can't, I actually find redheaded, freckled women to be the height of beauty. So do a hell of a lot of women, otherwise why do so many dye their that colour?
There is a whole section in porn dedicated solely to redheads because they're such an exotic beauty people want them in their own classification.
OP you live in the UK, have no doubt grown up with tonnes of ginger-bashing, and that whole ginger thing there. Here in Ireland we're lucky enough to have a hell of a lot of beautiful pale skinned redheads. The most beautiful of those embrace their natural beauty.
I don't think you can go on the holiday either OP, you're not going to enjoy feeling you can't be the fake you.
"I spend a fortune trying to be someone that society would prefer me to be"
No OP, society doesn't want you to be that, I hate to say it but society laughs at women like you. Put on an episode of snog, marry, avoid and you'll see people want others to look like themselves. Women who constantly need to be fake, constantly need to change everything about themselves are ridiculed and pitied OP, that's not what society wants.
Society wants women like you to enhance your natural beauty like the women above have done (yeah I know, lighting and filters do help too).
OP you're not happy living this way, not happy feeling this way and what you're doing hasn't worked so why not try going back to the way you were born and just enhance that slightly? Why not strive to be yourself instead of what you think society wants?
OP it's not you getting the attention and compliments, it's the mask you put on yourself. Time to come out from behind that mask and dare to be yourself for once. You don't have to give up being beautiful or wearing makeup, but you should at least try doing so with the intention of enhancing the real you and not creating a false image.
I hate to break it to you OP, but being fake and hating your appearance this much makes you very hard to date.
What's your obsession with being tanned? Where did you get that idea from?
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A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (3 March 2013):
Do you realise that many men will love your red hair? Really.When did you start the fakery? Have you even tried to be yourself?
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