A
female
age
36-40,
*upcake
writes:I don't even know where to begin... but I am in need of advice...Back in June I had left my fiance of 3years because I didn't feel he was the one for me, and he was becoming overly possessive and controlling, to the point where I would get "punished" if i went out with friends. Once that ended I felt a huge weight off my shoulders, he was extremely hurt but I actually felt really good for once.. I felt like myself again, as if I had lost that the whole time I was with him... Since then he has put me through a lot .. left the province for our house to foreclose cars to be seized etc.. but non of it bothered me much as I was so much happier without him I figured if that's the price I need to pay so be it... Now my problem is, in August 2months later I met a guy who i thought was just amazing, we ended up being roommates with 2 other friends.. but started dating the first week we all moved in together. I was concerned at first thinking what am I doing living with a boyfriend, it wasn't planned that way, but its how it ended up. Things had been great I felt so happy with him... but then our roommates moved out leaving just him and i living together then about 4 weeks ago he brought home a puppy.. I was ok with it at first, who doesn't love puppy's. Then 2 weeks ago I woke up one morning and just thought to myself "what the heck have i done.. I didn't even have time to be single and find myself again and here I am living with this guy". Now I will explain a bit about him... great guy would do anything for me, very trustworthy.. but the whole time i have been with him i have pretty much supported him.. I let him drive one of my cars, my paychecks are 3 times the amount so you can guess who pays most of the bills, and we still never have money left.. why because he spends the rest of my money on marijuana. About $40 a day he will spend on it.. and when his paychecks are $400 and mine 3 times that, why don't I get to see any of this money... I am only 23 years old, and a passion of mine has always been to travel as I have never been anywhere.. Living with him ill never be able to because we never have money... Now I did give him the chance two weeks ago I brought up my issues with his drug habit and the fact that maybe he should get a second job... Well he got a second job but didn't show up for his second shift.. and he has stopped buying marijuana but I noticed that he twitches when he hasn't smoked any.. I also recently found out hes a recovering cocaine addict. I am a young professional who has a lot of goals and ambitions in life and I don't do drugs, I may have experimented in high school but I don't have much respect for those who are addicted. I cant help but feel like I got myself into another horrible situation way to soon. The guy is amazing to me ill give him that, aside from all those other things i mentioned. He would literally do anything for me, but when i mentioned the other day that maybe we shouldn't live together he broke down in tears for days and brought me flowers, and cards... Now hes telling me if i leave him he will loose everything.. the car (which is mine) the condo (which is mine but id move home) and the dog... I cant help but feel i am ruining his life by leaving... but I really don't feel hes right for me.. and I feel like I just need to move home and work on myself as I never had enough time to do so before meeting him. I also just don't see a future with him, hes not the man I want to spend my life with..It has only been 7months and I just feel like he has so much to learn about being in a relationship as well.. my ex was 30yrs old and this new boyfriend is 22yrs old.. the difference is huge.. not to mention the sex with this new guy is horrible, and he told me hes never went down on a girl and never will.. Hes selfish and only gets himself off then he stops.. I have asked him to try more then the one position he knows but he has made no effort really.. I think he tried one day since i asked weeks ago..Not to mention he told his parents i was thinking of leaving him and had them call me to ask me not to.. I just feel like he and I are at two different levels and hes way to immature..Also I'm getting to the point where even when he speaks I get annoyed.. when he wants to cuddle Im annoyed.. I caught him the other day picking his nose and eating it so now when he kisses me i pull away because I am now sickened by him.. I don't know what to do...because this is going to really hurt him... Some of my friends think he has alot of potential and think I should give him a chance.. but i dont know that I can.. please help!!!
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ambition, drugs, fiance, flowers, immature, money, moved in, moved out, my ex, roommate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Once your landlady gives you the high sign, pack your bags and leave. It's not like you are married to this guy, just leave. It's up to him whether he sinks or swims. Life it too short to waste on deadend relationships. I think you've learned your lesson here, you won't allow yourself to get cornered like this in the future. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Cupcake +, writes (17 February 2010):
Cupcake is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all so much for your answers. I agree with each of you. I made the decision yesterday to email the landlord to try and break the lease hopefully she does. I told him I did this then I came home to a perfectly clean house and dinner on the table.. and that kind of made me mad.. because clearly he only did it because he doesn't want me to leave him! Ive never come home to condo being that clean EVER! He started guilting me again about how if I leave he will loose everything, and that I make him feel like a low life.. Which I wasn't trying to do .. but he actually had the nerve to question me when I wanted to spend $40 on a spray tan.. Excuse me, but when im paying 90% of the bills and can never do anything for myself because im always left with no money.. should he really be questioning me on what I spend $40 on. Im just so angry with him, Ive given him plenty of warning, so have my friends.. and nothing yet has changed.. He has stopped buying drugs since I mentioned it two weeks ago but im sure that's only because I made sure he didn't have a dime left in his pocket. Since the bills needed to be paid. I almost feel like a complete idiot for getting myself into another horrible situation so soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): Dont let him guilt you into staying in the relationship thats for sure. If he really would do everything for you then leaving drugs behind and paying his share of the bills shouldn't be much to ask. I mean really, you never signed a contract with him saying that you have to pay more just because you earn more. And the dog he got himself and must take responsibility for, if he can't take responsibility of it on his own then he shouldnt have gotten the dog. And he shouldn't have moved into an apartment with you if the apartment is too expensive for him. Its simply not fair that you have to pay for him, you're not married to this guy. You're more like his money bag, and he depends on you financially. So of course he'd be upset if you leave. But it's not because he'd miss you (you could still be dating!) it's because he'll miss out on the freebies you give him. Lets see how sweet he is to you when you stop paying his bills, or you know what it is he truly loves about you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 February 2010):
Run a mile. He's just using you because you pay the bills. There is no effort from him at all. You need to move on from him too and spend some time being single and thinking about what you want from life.
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A
male
reader, escribanus  +, writes (16 February 2010):
 First thanks good you have a good instinct, it is always wise. I do not understand why you like the wrong men, there are a lot of god men out there why you look for the controlling psycho and them just jump to the junky one?. Make yourself some choosing criteria, something like decent, not a drug addict, a decent job, project of future...... search for the characteristics that you think will help to make a happy couple life.
Now, well you are right. You need to have more time to enjoy yourself to know yourself, to have your own life. Now, you can change your roommate, go back with your parents (is great for saving money), question yourself what do you want from life, travel all over the world....
In your place, I'll dump that parasite and take a lot of time and space for myself
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