A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a relationship with a great man. We have our ups and downs as do any couple but he is undoubtably who I want to be with and we are on the whole very happy.However. I have been having a fling/relationship - call or what you will, with someone else. It has been going on for almost 10 years - longer than I have known my partner. Sometimes we go months, even a year or more with no contact at all. Other times we are in contact nearly every day. We only meet rarely; two or three times a year at most. He too is in a long term relationship. Neither of us have any desire to leave our partners.We have discussed at length why we still speak to one another. Neither of us have the answers. We just click, there's something there that just ignites a spark that doesn't seem to want to fade.. I have tried cutting things off, we didn't speak for almost 2 years and not only did it make me miserable in my current relationship which led to its own set of problems but I missed him terribly and eventually ended up contacting him. I know I'm likely to get pulled apart for this post but I would just like some advice - what do I do in this situation? I can't stress enough that I love my partner dearly and I know that if he found out about this our relationship would be over which is the last thing I want. I know I am incredibly selfish to want my cake and eat it too. I can't give either of them up but I know I need to in the long term.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (29 October 2018):
 I hate cheaters with a passion, it’s honestly the lowest of the low. It makes me think about how much my girlfriend loves me, all the little things she does to show how much she cares about me and the thought of shoving that back in her face by going behind her back seems insane.
How can you claim to love your partner when you’re going behind his back, for 10 years? It doesn’t matter whether you meet this guy once or 100 times a year you’re still cheating and being disloyal. If it’s making you doubt your love for your partner then why are you with him? If it’s making you argue with your partner then he’s clearly not the one for you is he? Don’t you think your BF deserves better than someone who sneaks around behind his back? How would you feel if this was happening to you?
Cheaters always seem to be for their self, claiming to love their partner and don’t want to hurt them yet do everything and anything to prove the opposite. If you’re so stuck for what to do then why don’t you ask your partners for advice, they are there to help you no matter what the circumstances right?
The choices are simple, either block all the contact you have with this other guy and concentrate all of your sneaking efforts into getting the spark back with your partner or break up and try to organise a running off into the sunset with the other low life cheat (Just to confirm the latter won’t happpen).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2018): It's not uncommon for an OP to offer a very controversial matter (or something crazy) regarding their relationship; and then ask not to be judged. Part of the remedy of the problem, and the advice being offered, requires that you be told the truth. That includes giving the most unpalatable facts about your situation. I shoot from the hip. I've got wisdom and experience. In many cases, I've been there; and I've done that. That's why I'm here to help others.
I've had two successful relationships that span over my entire lifetime; and there is nothing I haven't felt or experienced myself, or might have witnessed in the relationship of someone else. My first partner died after a 28-year loving-relationship; and now I'm working on a new relationship that just reached the five-year mark.
Relationships do have ups and downs, and we do meet some pretty tough challenges.
Sadly, there is always some excuse people have for doing something wrong; when it comes downs to their appetites and desires. Our overly-developed senses of entitlement in a very spoiled modern-society; can justify just about anything. The excuse is always that they/we can't help it.
Living in a free and modern-day society goes to one's head, and there is this feeling that we almost deserve whatever we want. We should feel happy all the time; and sacrifice is what other people do for us, not the other way around. God forbid! No one should betray us, lie to us, or take anything from us that belongs to us. We'd go to court and will sue if we must! Just never do you cross that line with us!
You can't just rob a bank, you can't just walk out of a grocery store with a basket-full of groceries without paying; or clobber your boss over the head with a hammer for yelling at you. Yet we may have a very strong urge to do it.
So what is it that stops us from doing it?
What stops us from doing outrageous things is self-control. Knowing the consequences if we break the law. There doesn't have to be a cop standing in our way to stop us. We use our own sense of restraint; being mindful of the consequences of our actions, and what we don't want to lose for doing something stupid. We have an innate sense of right and wrong.
That sense of respect for the law and self-imposed constraints keeps us out of jail, or facing an execution. It should translate into how we treat the people we love, and whom we claim to care for. Our love is also how we value others.
The fear of loss or hurting someone we deeply love; should be as strong as the fear of someone stealing our car, if we left the doors open with the keys in the ignition. People seem to have a stronger sense of loss for their property, than losing a loved-one nowadays. We take for granted the loved-one will forgive us; and we should get-off scot-free with a promise, a plea-deal, and an apology. Scorn US, and YOU deserve to be beheaded! How dare you!
We have a scorched-earth policy when it comes to someone else hurting our feelings! We will even lower ourselves to tit for tat! We can be vindictive and petty! Is it self-preservation, or outright selfishness? Hypocrisy???
I'll put it bluntly. Penises and vaginas have a mind of their own. We make a lot of excuses for them. We even go as far as to blame "love" for cheating on the people we claim to love. In the reality of things, there are no excuses. We just want what we want, and that's that! Never-mind the rules, when we want to jump on somebody's bones; although we already have a spouse, a girlfriend, or a boyfriend. Our selfish impulses, lusts, and urges come first. If we're honest with ourselves, that's all it is. Lust, plain and simple. Urges in our groins! Greediness, and a lack of trustworthiness. Actions speak louder than words! "I love you!" Just how much? Can you back it up?!!
I will never say never. Thus far, I haven't cheated on my relationships. So never say never, I'll be honest and say...I haven't yet! I have been in sticky situations; and I've gone as far has having my clothes off, and changing my mind at the very last minute. So the guilty here will cast no stones! I did one thing that my first partner didn't do; I decided I treasure the trust I've earned and the love I have, over a fling with a hot and juicy cutie-pie. That could destroy it all in a single swoop! I caught HIM in bed, naked, and having sex! We had to work that out. Last time anyone will get away with that! He got the first and last pass on cheating. He earned my trust back. I love him to this day, may his soul rest in peace!
If you love the guy you have so much; then challenge yourself to prove just how much. Imagine one of two things.
What if he found out about your affair? The other thing is; how bad would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? If he was having a simultaneous-affair, while still with you? Hypocrites often scream the loudest when they get pinched!
Prove to yourself that you have one man in your life who means the most to you; and letting go of the other is proof that you deserve him. If he has proven he loves you; and has been faithful in maintaining and keeping your trust. It's trust that adds the life and value to a relationship. If trust is abused or taken for granted; the karma is that the loss will be ten-fold when betrayal has been discovered. The guilt will be like salt in your wounds. The grief of loss will be much more profound; because that love you so foolishly took for granted, can turn instantly to hate!
Think about that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 October 2018):
 I think you should ask your partner how HE feels and what HE thinks you should do.
If he is smart he drops you like a rock.
You know what you are doing isn't fair to your partner or your fling's partner but you don't seem to care. Saying you care deeply and love your partner means little going by your actions.
SHIT or get off the pot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2018): Why is the suddenly pricked your conscience? Thinking of getting married, having children or at your age you are thinking you maybe shouldn't be sneaking around putting your selfish needs before anything else? Please don't tell me the poor man you are with had already been used to produce your offspring?
No sympathy, I don't buy the excuse of 'we can't help ourselves' you can control your urges. I hope you really don't think you're the only bit on the side for the man who is your bit on the side, I bet you're one of many he uses for extra sex while claiming to love his partner, hence why he has NO interest in you other than to have sex with every now and then.
Pathetic, dumb and lack of morals but hey you crack on, you are going to regardless.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 October 2018):
 I hope you feel marginally better now that you have got that off your chest ….. because that's all you were doing really, you didn't ask a question, you already know the score, no matter what happens your current partner has been cheated on, and the cheating will continue into the future until some external happening forces change of some sort.
So to you I say "whatevahhhhhh"
To the universe I say I hope the other cheat's partner is a strong, capable woman and that there are no children involved because when the sticky brown stuff hits the fan, as it will eventually, the mess to be cleaned up will be a doozy.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 October 2018):
 Do you have any idea how hurt your partner would be if he were to find out about the other guy? Put yourself in his place. How would YOU feel if he had been sneaking around and messing around with another woman all these years? I doubt very seriously if you would be happy. Odds are that you would be hurt beyond belief. What you are doing and have been doing is wrong and you know that. You come on here and tell us you know that we aren't going to support you. WHY WOULD WE???? What do you want us to say? Its ok..go on..run around behind your guy's back?
Why don't you do the honorable thing and end things with your guy. You obviously don't love him enough to make him be the one and the only one.
I feel sorry for you because you really don't know how to be faithful. You know what you are doing is wrong and yet you continue to do it anyways. People like you hurt and ruin others because of their selfishness. Sad.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 October 2018):
 The fling guy is an escape for you, a parallel universe. You're intensely attracted to him because what you have with him isn't real. Its almost a fantasy that you've no doubt romanticized no end. You dont live with him, never have, never will. You havent been with him during trying times, during sickness, during the downs. You meet him once in a blue moon so you're both obviously at your best behaviour and because you both meet so infrequently, the sex no doubt is electric. But that's it. That's all you have.
I only hope you realize what a truly awful thing you've been doing to your partner, cheating him, cheating on him and leading him on to believe that all is well. You had no business getting into a relationship but you did. You really believe you're invincible, dont you? Have you never had any fears of karma?
your fling guy and you are perfect for each other. You both have zero morals and are more than happy to lie to your partners using moral relativism.
Ever thought of doing the right thing and ending the current relationship?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2018): I think you need to elaborate on what the 'ups and downs' are further and what problems did it create not seeing him for two years.
Basically the other man is lust,neither of you want to actually be exclusive to each other, but the lust and connection from
that is enough for you to keep going back for more and sorry but as a man willing to cheat he isn't saying no.
I am going to guess your boyfriend is reliable and even though you love him there is no great sexual attraction on your part because in my mind if you truly love someone it would be a no brainer to let the other one go.
It is YOU that contacted the other man and reignited it, sorry but to me that suggests you are not as deeply in love with your boyfriend as you claim to be, your sexual desire for lust overrides common sense.
No one can tell you what to do, you will continue until such a time he stops it, you get caught out or you carry on doing something I see as pretty pointless to you both and outright unfair on your respective partners, common decency and respect for my self at your age would stop me carrying on this behaviour.
Let your boyfriend go if he honestly thinks you are in a monogomous relationship, this man clearly pulls the strings behind whether it is going well or not so it is not based on just how you both feel about each other, in fact you admit it went tits up when he wasn't around.
Finish with this man and restart, because neither in my opinion is right for you, you are just settling while getting your cake and eat it to perk it up, that's my thoughts on it!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 October 2018):
 You already know everything people are going to say as you have said it yourself. You are cheating. Plain and simple. There is no way to justify it and no other description that is accurate. It does not help to make your main relationship better, as you are trying to suggest.
How hurt would you feel if you found out your partner was having a "fling/relationship" like the one you have been having for so long? You say he is the man you want to be with but you also acknowledge, if he finds out, you will lose him.
This is like a game of Russian roulette. You have been lucky so far in not being found out. Eventually you will slip up (it is inevitable) and your partner will find out. Imagine how hurt he will be and the long term fallout.
You already KNOW what you need to do. Finish the "fling". Change your number so he can't contact you. Remove his number from your phone so you are not tempted to contact HIM. Put that "spark" back into your main relationship. If you and your fling had been meant to be together, you would have got together years ago.
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