A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi after reading different problems on this site it has given me courage to seek help. I'm 33 and my partner is 25, we met nearly two years ago and things were very confusing for me. She was very open in how she would talk about her sexual past - when I say very open I mean down to positions and penis sizes, how good it was etc etc. I on the other hand, I was very reserved in how I shared my past and would only tell if asked and also kept everything very minimal.I have to say the things she told me left me devastated and a very jealous and insecure person. As I found out quickly she had been with 60 people, 10 of which were women and most one night stands and threesomes. Now all being fair, I have now resorted to seeing a therapist to help learn how to control my jealousy and also how to stop mental images affecting my day to day life. The reason this has become an issue for me to get professional help is through all this I'm deeply and madly in love with my partner and she has been a rock for me in many different ways. And my normal day to day thinking knows that she is with me and she loves me and her past is in the past and it's none of my buisness. It was made my business without me wanting it to be. The ways it has affected me is that I'm scared of making any move with her sexually because I feel I can't live up to and surpass her previous experiences which makes her feel like I don't want her and this has led to me having erectile dysfunction where I have so many things of her past spinning around in my head that I completly lose or can't even achieve an erection with her which she also finds devastating. She has told me so many times that she is sorry for ever telling me these things and that if she knew it would have affected me so badly she wouldn't have done so. Which I know she means but unfortunatly I had no idea that it would affect me like it did because I had never been in a position before where I'd had to deal with it.In thinking back the first time she started to tell me things I should have made it clear that it botherd me but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing by listening to her and also that was what I was meant to be doing.I am truly hoping that there are people out there that have had the same problems and also that the therapy will help because we are set to marry at the end of February and I truly do not want this hanging over my married life with her and learn to leave her past where it truly belongs, in the past.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): I'm the anonymous male poster who first sparred with the anonymous male who is causing the controversy.
I partly agree with anonymous male, which is why I didn't dismiss him out of hand. You will notice that I didn't rule out his key point, although I did call him out on his use of words ("slut") and his insinuation that the OP's girlfriend is hiding something.
What anonymous male says has some weight and credibility. As a person who has been through this kind of thing, I can understand where he is coming from. My first girlfriend was a non-virgin, which I found hard to forgive. And I never forgave her, because she went on to have more sexual relationships later on. I know the reason was that I made her unhappy, so I can't totally blame her. What hurt was how she deliberately refused to make clear how different sex was with her temporary partners and sex with me. She took a perverse delight in holding out, refusing to understand and making me suffer.
Later, after the relationship was over and I got a lot more experience under my belt, I realized a few things. First, sorry to say, she was actually a lousy lay. She wasn't a particularly good lay for me, and she can't have been a particularly good lay for them. I have reason to believe she improved exponentially with her current husband. Which means that she married the right man. Secondly, her refusal to verbally acknowledge the difference between me and other partners was partly deliberate. She was holding out as a kind of punishment, for various reasons.
Had she been a fantastic lay, and had she made it abundantly clear just how fantastic sex (not just physically but also emotionally) was with me, I suspect that the outcome would have been very different. But it wasn't, and I suffered for a long time. So did she.
But that's not the case here. The OP's girlfriend has made it abundantly clear that there is a clear qualitative difference between the OP and her previous experiences, a total step up that sets him quite apart. Add that to the huge personal and emotional bond between them, and you can see that the OP has every reason to be confident in his emotional and sexual relationship with his girlfriend.
As I said, I've had a lot more experience since my first girlfriend, and I can now accept far, far more previous experience than before. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about accepting second fiddle. If a girl made it clear to me that sex with me didn't measure up to former lovers, but it didn't matter because she loved me anyway, I would find it hard to accept. Either I would try really hard to get to the point where I was number one, or there would be continuing sadness. How can you continue feeling that your lovemaking doesn't measure up to some one-night stand or friend with benefits?
Maybe, as anon male says, it is biologically built into us to be unhappy when our sex partner has other partners. Maybe. But I think it is equally caused by morality and custom. For example, I understand there are human cultures where men lend their wives to guests as a sign of hospitality. There must be something in the heads of husbands in such cultures that interferes with this biological imperative, otherwise they would get jealous of the guest having the wife. No, I think that values and mindsets are equally important in causing this problem. Even in our culture, there are men who marry (former) prostitutes out of love. How could such men get over it if this biological imperative is so overpowering?
I'm not saying to the OP that it will be easy to stop obsessing over his girl's past experience. But instead of thinking "I can't believe my own special girl could ever have done that kind of thing with other men", try and accept that the human species is ALWAYS getting into sexual high jinx of some kind or another. It's part of our make up. Penises and vaginas aren't frozen in ice. (Which, of course, is not to deny that getting hung up and hurt about it is also part of our make up. Otherwise this kind of forum wouldn't exist). And you know, the funny thing is that the anonymous male is also quite freely suggesting a different kind of "sexual disposability". His answer to your question is: If there's an emotional/sexual problem in your current relationship, just move on. There's always another, less complicated vagina out there waiting for you!
A
male
reader, Mistyisle +, writes (24 October 2008):
I would have to agree with much of what Anon writes. Despite being married for over 28 years, I have never forgotten or completely recovered from the shock of learning about my wife' promiscuous sexual history. I have compared my fate to that of the Greek God Prometheus who liver was devoured every day by an eagle, only to regenerate during the night, such is the pain I suffer almost daily. Trust me, you will never overcome these feelings. I feel for you because I have trodden that path, so I would also advise you to find someone whose morals and sexual history are similar to yours.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): Dear poster, please be carefully of listening to people who have used your post to hurt you, so you can be as unhappy as them. I understand that you love your girlfriend, and you want to deal with your jealousy so you and her can be happy again. Yos is a great resource on this board, he is an example of a man who is very kind and understanding about this kind of problem. Please be sure to take a look at the link he provided.. It really is good and you will see that your not alone with this, and Mr.anon with his hurtful words is a very strange man. In insulting your girlfriend and calling her a liar, he is insulting every woman on this board, he is insulting you and he is insulting everyone that has tried to give you advice. I'm so sorry that you have had to listen to his painful, ignorant rant. He has his own problems which he should have dealt with, rather than hijacking your thread to spill out his offensive, misogynistic views...
Please read the thread provided, hopefully it will show you that men can learn to get over the pain, and actually get closer to their partners and build more intimacy and love.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/her-elusive-sordid-past-is-making-me-insecure.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Dear Poster
I have read your posting and all the replies and the almost debate. I merely want to wish you best of wishes with your counseling. You have received good advice and have lots to think about and to consider.
I have dealt with people who were in similar situations. I can honestly say to you that some guys have managed to overcome the problems/ issues/ thoughts and others had more difficulty in doing so completely. I do believe your commitment to the process and also other influences such as from your childhood could have an affect on your response to counseling and dealing with this matter.
I wish you ell and hope you have success. Keep us posted.
Lots of hugs and keep SMILING.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Fade, never did I say that a slut is a woman. In fact, I strongly disagree with premarital sex now that I fully know what kind of damage it can cause. While I dont think people who have sex before marriage are sluts, people who exploit their bodies I would deem, regardless of their gender, a or for public discussion "promiscuous". Now, I cant judge the op's woman because I don't know how she accumulated the number she did, but if someone could explain how racking up 50+ sexual partners by the age of 25 can not come off as promiscuous, please explain. And, just to note, im positively sure that if we reversed the genders and the op was a woman, fade, your opinions would be altered. But again, none of that matters, as it is completely irrelevant to the point here.
Fade, I will just throw this out there again, and not intentionally to you but to anyone who is reading this: If you have not dealt with this issue, than you really don't understand. Its as impossible to overcome this as it is to try and fully understand it from an outside perspective. And, while women may experience similar issues as the op, women are a lot less likely to fully embrace this issue as a man. So, as much as I am not trying to separate man from woman, this is one issue that really can not be shared between the two.
To the op, if he is still even reading this stuff, if you want to continue your relationship with your partner you need to realize a couple different things.
One is that you will never get over this, and fighting it will only make it worse. You will always feel negative about her past, and obsessing over it will only embrace that fact.
Two is all the information you need about her past you already have. Dont ask for more details, never ask for more information, and make sure to let her know not to ever mention anything ever again. Let her know that if you two run into a former fling to not let you know.
Three is that you will need to limit triggers. Anything that would remind you of promiscuous sex, easy sex, cheap sex, etc you need to remove from your life. This means giving up a lot of television, movies, music, events, etc.
Four is that you need to train yourself to unlearn what you know about her past. You wont be able to completely do this, but you can help to limit the number of times you think about it and for how long it lasts. The best way to do this is to create a list of things that you are really into that will really grab your attention. Say, if you are a musician (for example), and you find yourself thinking about her past, try to replace that with the thought of a new song or something.
And five you need to stop doing things that will fuel this problem. That means not coming here and discussing it. That means not going to another forum to discuss it. That means, basically, letting it subside and not bringing it up ever.
But, again, I think this is a problem of incompatible people. You cant negotiate morals...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Also, this has nothing to do with the girls past, what she got out of it, how she handled it, how it happened, what happened, why it happened, or who it happened with. Those things are completely irrelevant to anything this guy is going through. granted, it is the root cause of the entire situation, but it wouldn't matter how you answered any of those questions, the fact is that he would still feel this way no matter what.
This woman was raped, and I sympathize for her because it was not her choice. And that action has created a slew of other actions that will, for the rest of her life, dictate her future. Unfortunately she now is in a situation where again the incident is still haunting her. This is something she will have to live with, for the rest of her life. Every man that she gave herself to will also be with her because even to this very moment they are still having an impact on her life, even if it is through the op that they live on.
In no way, shape, or form am I trying to call this girl out. In fact, everything I wrote (even though not obvious) was from the sole perspective that her entire existence was that of her sexual past (disregarding the rape). Im not trying to bring her individuality to the table, because it does not matter. When I speak about her, its more a reference to a promiscuous woman.
Could it be so wild of a notion to say that people can be incompatible based on their pasts? I mean I don't think so... At all. What is the point of trying to foce these two people together... For all you know, you are doing more damage than you are good to tell this guy to stick it out. He came here because he is at a loss, and is resorting to some kind of help to ease his wounds. Maybe he will continue to seek help, but after a while he will probably come to the conclusion that it wont work.
Even if he comes back in a couple days and says hes over, you can bet that in the next 5 years he will be back at square one. The only difference is that over the past 5 years people will tell him its wrong to leave her because of his own insecurities, and that he needs to get over it. It will be like an endless cycle. He will begin to hate himself because he cant let it go. But its not his fault, it never was.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Fade, I think you are falling a bit off topic here, and you shifting my words around. Im not using this site to promote hate, only to express TRUTH. Im not sure what your really trying to justify here, your opinion or that my opinion is in valid. Either way, I think you should re read some of what I have written because if you apply it to reality you will see that it is actually very valid.
Everyone here is going to shift off with the opposite of what I am saying, because in this time and age men are supposed to look past a womans sexual history regardless of how deep or shallow it is. Unfortunately, its not entirely that easy. These feelings you get when you think of your girls past are not going to go away, EVER! They are deep seeded emotions at the CORE of your existence. These feelings have been built directly into you, not by choice, but by society and even more so by evolution.
Fade, what you fail to comprehend is the viewpoint of the op's mindset with this particular emotion. You dont get it, and you wont get it. Unless you have been in this situation or are currently dealing with this situation, then really anything you say about this subject is just your speculation and really holds no value. You don't understand. You can, at best, try to understand but unless you have been there (which I have) then you will get it.
Look, I dont make the rules here about why people feel the way they do, or what they can do to overcome it. But, honestly, in all my experience over the years with this particular situation there is nothing that people can do but to, like the previous anon said, adjust themselves to accept it. But I guarantee that this man will always have these images, and each time he remembers it he will cringe. If he can honestly say that he can spend the remainder of his life married to this women and deal with that inconvenience then by all means my friend, tie the knot.
But, if the op does not wish to feel this way anymore, and experience a healthy sex life with a woman whom he can feel equal to, than he will need to find a different partner. There is no magic pill, there is no secret answer, there is nothing out there that will alleviate this mans pain. Its a battle of his morals & mentality.
I cant stress enough that I am not trying to pass on some idiotic notion that he cant overcome this, or that I am somehow trying to push my own negative emotions toward him, or that I have "misogynic tendancies" that I am trying to embrace. Thats not what is going on here at all. What I am doing, and all that I am doing, is trying to get this man to see the other side of this, a side which will allow him to be him, to be happy, and to be free of this turmoil. Unfortunately the only way for that to happen is to find a different partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Ok, forget what I said about whore, slut, and promiscuous. Those are just labels, but hey I didnt come up with them, I just applied them where I seen fit. Sleeping with 60 men, to me and im sure a lot of people, is slutty. Its not my fault, or anyone's fault for thinking that. The only person to blame for this is the op's girlfriend. She has complete control of her sexuality, and who she lets in. The fact that she has given her most intimate physical self to all these men, should definitely be a sign of promiscuous acts, rather it was a man, or a woman who was doing it.
Now, why does the op need to change himself? The op is the victim here, so why does he need to be remolded to justify his girls past? Well, he doesn't and shouldn't have to. While I agree that couples should work towards bettering the relationship, becoming more understanding of one another, and ultimately strengthening their bond, the reality of it all is that somethings are not possible to get past. Not everyone is the same, and where some people fail other will prevail, does not mean that the op is going to be one of them, and in fact giving him false hope is probably not a good idea.
I'm not trying to be mean to the op, really i am only trying to help him save himself from a future of turmoil. If you read over this website, and many relationship websites, you will see this same topic come up, a lot. From the 1000's of posts I have read regarding this, literally only a handful of people say they have gotten over it, and even then I question: are they really, or are they just hiding it?
The male anon wrote that the op should look at his girl as being special for embracing her sexuality and find her wild and sexy because of it. I mean, sure if that is what you are looking for, but the op obviously does not feel that way and why should he? Value comes in many forms, but the most common is that the more something is available the more its value diminishes.
lets change the variable sex with marriage. Say this girl has married 60 men, what value would their marriage have? Even if her love is more than real and sincere, to the opposing partner it would be less valuable IF he knew that she was married 60 times before. Sexual value is real, and to many people, rather you even realize it or not, you do loose some value when you sleep around.
But hey, the whole problem here is that one) they share very different sexual pasts (which is a big stepping stone by itself), and they share different morals (which is not something you can compromise). Even if the girl says she has changed and that her past is no longer part of her and who she is, this mans view of her is and forever will be skewed.
Now, if you want the best advice on how to get over this, it would be to leave this girl, and with the next girl dont even bring this discussion up, leave it alone, and never ask. Not knowing is sometimes way better than knowing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): I disagree with the previous poster.
*"Whore", "slut", "promiscuous", these are all hitting below the belt. They're socially-based terms of abuse designed to keep women in their place. They devalue the person that they are applied to, basically saying: "This woman is no good. The reason? She at some time had easy sex with a number of different men". Why can't the same thing be be used to ADD value: "This woman is good. The reason? She experimented with life and became the sexy person she now is". The poster is insulting your woman using this cheap shot, which is one reason why you think carefully about the rest of his advice.
*The poster throws doubt on her claim that you were the first to give her the "big O". Well, it's her word against his. It's so easy to sow the seeds of doubt. If you really trust your girl, you'll know what the truth is and what isn't. Not the poster. Anyway, she's told you so much already. What more "secrets" could she be holding?
*The poster is saying that you can never get over this kind of thing. The obsession is already there; it can't ever be properly fixed. This is a claim, a rather pessimistic claim, that needs to be taken seriously. You can do what the poster says and give up. Just forget it. But you don't want to do that, which is why you are here.
In fact, I disagree that you can't get over this kind of thing. But the poster is right. It's something that is very hard to ever get rid of completely. It's a scar on the relationship, and like many old injuries it has the potential to twitch "every time it rains".
But I believe it IS possible for men to change. I started out as a callow youth who was upset because his first girlfriend wasn't a virgin. Now I'm able to accept much, much more past history in my parters than I ever could when I was 20. Much of it is to do with experience and my own mental attitude.
But this change has come through a number of relationships. I've had many experiences and a number of different girlfriends. Despite the fact that I can accept so much more now than I ever could then, the scars from my first relationship remain, although only very faintly. So the question is: can you bring about this change in your ability to accept this kind of thing within the span of a single relationship, a relationship which is already sensitive and scarred. That is the vital question.
Frankly, I believe that IT WILL TAKE COMPLETE CHANGE IN YOUR MENTAL ATTITUDE AND OUTLOOK TO GET OVER THIS SENSITIVITY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Something has to hit you over the head so hard that it comes to rest facing backwards. That means a revolution in thinking and feelings.
For instance, you wrote: "I feel I can't live up to and surpass her previous experiences". I was the one who wrote: "It's like a man's deepest dream -- to take a women who has never experienced sexual satisfaction and show her what it feels like! And she obviously felt so confident in your sexuality that she never imagined that these graphic details could ever touch you." That's because only a complete reversal of your vulnerable, diffident feelings about her past can help you go forward. If you can stop thinking of these past experiences as a threat, become reassured and confident in yourself, and take HER very interesting sexual past in a positive sense as YOUR SHARED sexual past, then you can start to rise above the insecurity and jealousy. Don't see the past as a kind of unredeemable tragedy. Take it as a part of the tapestry of life -- YOUR SHARED tapestry of life.
I don't know if I'm making sense here. A lot of things depend on the circumstances. I once had a girlfriend who slept with another guy during a bad patch. When she told me, she said (very sincerely) that it was no good at all, she wanted to have sex with me. I could have tortured myself thinking "Oh no, another man's penis actually went in there. My God, I can't stand it!" Instead my feeling was: "Hehe. I'm that good, eh? Now that was a pretty meaningless episode, wasn't it!" Exactly the same action (sexual intercourse with another man) can have wildly different impacts. And it totally depends how your mind takes it. That's why I firmly believe that the mental attitude is absolutely essential. You don't need to numb yourself to what she did. You just need to put the whole thing into a new and different perspective. Your girl did some pretty funky things that she decided to SHARE with you. Instead of thinking "How tragic and hurtful!", just think "Wow, my girl is pretty wild and special! And now it all belongs to me!"
The exact formula will differ depending on the person. But my belief is that the best way is not to wait for the bull rampaging around your apartment to destroy everything before it gets tired and goes to sleep. The best way is to get a gun, shoot the bull, and live on steaks for the next few months!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Hey, I think you guys misunderstood my previous post. I didnt intentionally call her a whore, it was actually a quote that has been passed on through time... I thought it was obvious.
Anyways, she is not a whore you need to exchange money for those services to have a title like that. But lets not beat around the bush and just call it for what it is: She is a slut. Maybe even a former slut, but hey that's derogatory, so lets used something more modern like "promiscuous".
Well, here is the thing, no amount of therapy, or self thought, will ever help this guy forget the gruesome details of this girls past. They will always stick with him.
As far as I can tell, there are three types of people. People that done care about the past, never have and never will. This kind of person is not the op. Then there are people who do care about the past, and it is a breaking point in a relationship. And then there are people who do care, but dont get out of the relationship, and try to adjust themselves to make it so they can "accept" their lovers past.
But here is the thing, you never really get over it. The people who come here after 50 years of marriage saying they cant take it anymore is prime example. The people who come here and say they are over it, they realized what is wrong and overcame this situation is well, still in denial. I mean sure I cant vouch for every individual, but really if you were over it, what are you still doing here? Offering help & advice or still fighting this demon? Come on, lets be honest here.
Once you learn something, it can not be unlearned. And, to top it off the obsessive compulsive focus on this information thing really exploits the problem. The op is obviously obsessive over it, and he obviously has a problem with what he has learned about her past, there is no way to overcome this. Its an internal battle that he has already lost.
Im still going to stand by my original answer, you need to leave. Im not saying it to be mean, or to be rude, or to call your woman out. But the truth is, your a person with obsessive problems, who has problems with your girls past. No therapy or anything is going to remove that negative feeling from your gut. You can hide it, or you can push it deeper down, but if you stay with her it will always be there. You will always from time to time remember this and always, for the rest of your life, be reminded that your girl was "promiscuous".
Its just the nature of it. You dont want it to be like that, and no one does. Definitely no one wants this. But, its unfortunate because there is nothing that can fix this. I feel for you man, but your best bet is to get out while you can, and not to waste your life with this negative feeling. It will always be a shadow over your marriage, and it will always come back.
You are probably swearing at the computer and thinking yea right this guy is crazy. But, trust me when I say there are something that can not be undone, and hearing your girls past is just like opening pandoras box. Once its there it is always there.
And, just to note... I mean not to call out your girl again, but do you really thank that out of 60 partners you are the first to give her the big O? I mean, realistically speaking, that is just fluff to build up your ego. But I am sure you will find that out eventually... Along with the rest of her secrets.
Just saying...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi wow i just want to say a huge thank you to everyone your all really making me put things into perspective. God who needs a therepist when i have all you kind helpful words of advice a really big thankyou to you all
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female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (22 October 2008):
 My boyfriend is exactly the same. Although you do not seem to put her down for it, so you should know that you are doing alot better then most people with this problem. Know that out of all the people she has been with, you are the winner who gets to stay with her. She has chosen you and doesnt want anyone else. I was also raped when i was 15 and its not easy. It stays with you. The fact that your going to therapy is great and you should be proud of yourself. Dont listen to people calling your gf a whore, because as you know this is not her problem but yours. People always assume the male deserves better but if this is the problem they have then they do not.
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male
reader, oldfool +, writes (22 October 2008):
 Very interesting to read this. Your case shows just how visceral a thing this is. Despite your understanding and rationality, the primitive emotional feeling comes through.
But you have the right mental attitude, the right conditions (she was an "orgasmic virgin" before you); I think you have an excellent chance of getting through this.
Let us know how the counselling works out...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): dude I dated a girl who had sex w 100 men (or so she said), and i've dated virgins as well. judge her by her current actions NOT her past. it's all in ur head and are you going 2 let ur head screw up an otherwise great relationship? if yes then u don't deserve her. sorry if this is harsh. PS u might tell her to go light on the details BUT cat's out of the bag. sorry if this is harsh.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 Ah you are just starting the therapy. Well I suggest you focus your energies on that. It seems like you have gotten a very positive view overall (ie not blaming her for this, but seeing it as your issue).
My recommendations with the therapist are:
- Have a male therapist
- Focus on the obsessive / compulsive nature of the problem. This is familiar ground for most therapists and is usually a big part of this problem
- Consider involving your partner in some sessions if your therapists suggests / supports the idea. Especially around rebuilding your sexual interactions (and ask about sensate focus)
Good luck to you. It sounds like you are approaching this absolutely the right way. I know it can seem impossible to overcome (and many will tell you it is), but it is possible, and you are on the right path.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Wow, if you were the first one to give her an orgasm, that is fantastic! You obviously do it for her in a way that not one of those paltry one-night stands could never do. That is something to cherish and be proud of. Maybe easier said than done, but no matter what she did, and no matter what the size of the penises, NONE OF THEM COULD EVER MEASURE UP TO YOU! The scenes that she describes that bring you such unhappiness are mere trifles compared with what you do to her.
I'm thinking perhaps she told you all these things to turn you on. They can't mean too much to her, because they couldn't compare with what you do for her. The raunchy details might simply be meant to stoke your fires. It's a pity it all backfired.
Really, I think you should be very proud of yourself. No need to feel insecure! You are the one! For goodness sake, just think, she might have gone on for ages with this unsatisfying and meaningless sex if she hadn't met you. You took her away from all that because you were so much better than anything she'd had before. It's like a man's deepest dream -- to take a women who has never experienced sexual satisfaction and show her what it feels like! And she obviously felt so confident in your sexuality that she never imagined that these graphic details could ever touch you. Her paltry and unfulfilled past is a tribute to your magnificent present.
All I can say is, good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Good luck with the counseling. I do believe you will benefit from it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi in reply to your question yoz im having my first session of therepy tommorow so i will let you know how it stars off for me and thankyou for your kind words
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all the first answer i got. im not on here to judge my partner im here to resolve my issues i dont think my partner is a whore and also if she was in her past and isnt now then surely that shows she wants to change the way she is by wanting to settle down with me and feel secure which she has said she feels. Another thing that also happend is because most of her experiences have been one night stands and no one had ever made her climax she had only ever been able to climax through masterbation. the first time we made love we both came together which was a totaly over whelming experience for her. which i feel very proud of the fact that it was with me.
my partner has had counciling for her problems because the route of her promiscuity was from being raped at 15 and she has felt numb to sex and thought that was all she was good i for. i have managed to make her see that she is a beautiful person and is alot more to me than just sexual relief and is loved by me. the problems i have now although were set off by my partner are now down to me because of how i chose to take the information. its very easy to say what if i had and i should leave her. but that is not an opption because through all this i love her like i have never loved before and truly see her as my soul mate as she sees me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): Honestly, why are you trying? This will not go away, ever. There is nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing you can do other than become numb to it that will alleviate your pain. Seriously, therapy wont help. I went to therapy, counseling, etc, nothing. In fact, I probably did a lot more than others and nothing. I guess that does not mean it wont work for you, but to be honest its probably best to just get out.
You will spend the rest of your life in agony over this. There are other women out there that can do the same as your current girl, but with lets notches under her belt. Be smart here, only a fool would take a whore as a wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): I am happy to hear you are doing therapy. That is very good. Try not to allow thoughts and images fo her past to dwell in your mind. When they come up in your mind, try to immediately replace them with other thoughts and images. Don't get married if you have not resolved this problem.
You need to overcome this to avoid sexual problems and frustrations in your future.
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reader, Yos +, writes (20 October 2008):
This problem comes up here frequently, as you've noticed. On this page there are some good links to discussions about this:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/her-elusive-sordid-past-is-making-me-insecure.html
You have my sympathy.
How long have you been with your therapist? What avenues are they trying?
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