A
female
age
51-59,
*ntrigued3000
writes:I am in intense emotional pain right now. I found out today that my ex got engaged and married within six months of breaking up with me.I was still pining over him and he moved on with no issue. He never informed me directly. I found out quite by accident.I can't even think straight. I can't even breathe. I am so hurt by this discovery.Would there be any kind of light at the end of this dark tunnel? Will I ever be able to move past the pain and hurt that I feel right now? I've been crying my eyes out all day. I feel exactly like Marianne Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility. He was the love of my life and I feel shattered. He broke it off with me suddenly. Now I know why. He was going to marry someone else. This realization is so painful. It is more than I can bear.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (3 June 2013):
Intrigued3000 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks all for the words of encouragement. Aunty Audrey, your advice brings healing. I actually read it everyday as reinforcement. WiseOwlE yes there were red flags all over the place and I chose to ignore them.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (2 June 2013):
my ex did something very similar after treating me like crap he treats his new woman like a queen. it is very hurtful but you any anyone in your situation needs to remember if he was worthy of you and your time he wouldnt have done this.yes it does get better slowly but surely, I can only advise you to keep yourself occupied doing things you enjoy. as useless as that advice sounds, it is the only way to move through this, good luck xx
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (2 June 2013):
 Hi
Hard as it is you just have to accept he did not love you how you loved him. He was probably seeing the woman he married before you split up.
Many have had their hearts broken, me included,I thought a bus had landed on me. We had been together 11 years.Once the shock wore off I decided he was not going to ruin the rest of my life,let myself heal. Then I never looked back.
Wallowing in self pity is no good, he didn't want to marry you so accept it.
Go live your life because he has taken up enough of your time and *you* deserve some happiness now.
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female
reader, Aunty Audrey  +, writes (2 June 2013):
 What you have suffered I would not wish on anyone. I am so very sorry that he has left you feeling so devastated. You can reclaim your life. Thank goodness.. He revealed that he is a Cad, before you wasted twenty years of your life being his partner.Right now I know things are very bleak. The good part is that you are not an impressionable 16 year old teenager. like the fictional Marianne Dashwood. She was an exuberant young girl. You have seen more of life and you know by now that some people are just so cruel.You thought you were on a winner with him. You felt so sure about him and he hid his hasty sidediBut you know otherwise now.Feel sad for the other woman. Because he will do the same to her, eventually.A lady whose children I have babysat from time to time was devastated when her father brought a girl from the office to her mother's funeral. Then he sold the family home and purchased a more modern home with all modcons. The sort of add-ons that her mother had often wanted but was never able to convince her husband to purchase. Then he invited all the family to attend his wedding, (to the girl from the Office), three months after the death of the lady's mother. She wondered just how long her father had really been close to the girl from the office, who was two years older than the man's eldest daughter. Sometimes we do not know a person as well as we think we do. And that really knocks your confidence about. It is shocking to discover such betrayals. You are quite justified to feel such pain right now. Your ex has rushed in haste into a relationship. if he is wrong it is going to be an expensive mistake, for him.And how weak of him to lack the courage to explain things to you face to face. That is not the trait of an honourable man. He lacks integrity. even if you think he did have some standards. If you are feeling particularly anxious try some good ways to relax. Like a long soak in a scented bath, A long warm shower, a swim.Or a walk into a very beautiful park. Or a short weekend vacation to a new place that is scenic.If your distress becomes too huge speak to your doctor and get some counselling.you will get through this. You will move past this. And once you are healed there may come a time when you will se him again in the street. And I am certain when you do see him again in a few months you may begin to wonder what you you ever saw in this loserWhen you feel a little stronger you will be able to embrace new people and new activities. And if you have tried counselling you will be able to trust people again.Avoid places that you and your ex went to. Forge a new life that does not Throw yourself into new activities. It does not have to be dating. Put yourself first. He was not a suitable man for a lovely caring lady like you. Even though he seemed right in every way at the start. You have your life ahead of you. You have integrity. He will find that a lack of ethics will mean that doors will slam shut in his face once more people discover his lack of Integrity. Sad as it is - losing him was a blessing for you.
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female
reader, klapure4  +, writes (2 June 2013):
 Yes, I agree with the first posted answer. I think its time for you to move on past this guy and his marriage. Even though the news itself came as a shock and is causing you sorrow, you should begin to think that this man missed out on an amazing woman such as yourself. Dealing with rejection is never an easy concept, but you must have the strength to move on. You will meet or find someone who is worth your time and attention, and may turn out to be the best connection you ever had. Just keep focused on you and know that something great will come along in the near future. I wish you the best of luck.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (2 June 2013):
 Sense and Sensibility remains one of my favorite books, and when you mentioned it, a quote from it came almost instantly to my mind:
"They gave themselves up wholly to their sorrow, seeking increase of wretchedness in every reflection that could afford it, and resolved against ever admitting consolation in future."
You may not realize it, but you have resolved yourself and have made the decision that you refuse to move on. You refuse to let yourself be consoled. It may feel like you can't feel better, but in reality, you're dwelling obsessionally on your ex and his decisions and the possible feelings behind them, and you refuse to allow your brain and emotions to stabilize and heal.
In Marianne's case, it was the love of her family and eventually the love of the Colonel that allows her to move on. That and her eventually pitying Willoughby's ability to "rank the demands of his pocketbook above the demands of his heart".
You will heal if you allow yourself to. Take comfort in those who love and care for you...your family and friends. Instead of pushing them away, take comfort from them, and give comfort in return. It actually becomes something of an addiction to give into the ego (rejection is a blow to the ego) and pine after him and not allow yourself to be resolved without any sort of consolation.
If this continues too much, you need to talk to someone professional. But in the meantime, you must stop the obsession. He's married, and just understand that while his actions said that he moved on fast, that fast suggests unhealthy intimacy issues. I actually am nervous for the woman he married.
But in your case, you must consider his actions after your breakup to be irrelevant to you. Your future is wide open, and the moment you resolve your own ego and sense of rejection, the sooner you're going to fly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2013): You have to face the possibility that your "ex" may have been with another woman all the long.As often as it is the case; many women over-look the red-flags; because they become instantly infatuated with a good-looking charming guy. These Romeos wine and dine you, and he romances you until you're so numb, he can do no wrong. You forgive him when he disappears for days without explanation. You forgive him for cancelling dates at the last minute. You accept every excuse; and he convinces you that you're crazy when you express anger or suspicions. Most guys who cheat are charming, seductive, and smooth-talkers. They know how to manipulate women, and they know how to cover their tracks. I find it hard to believe he had a world-wind romance that went from meeting a woman, to an engagement, and straight into marriage. All within six months? He met her somewhere along the way, and the guy is the classic playa.You were caught-up and swept away. You didn't want to see any warnings or red-flags. You were just happy to have a guy you thought cared for you. You forgave all his sins.You didn't see it coming, and you just wanted to be loved.You've now learned a valuable lesson. You have to know who you're dealing with before you throw yourself into a relationship.You can't be swept up all at once, you need a time to get to know something about a man's past, his former relationships, and his activities outside your relationship.You don't pour all your feelings into a guy until your have his solid commitment. Never go into any relationship feeling you need a man; or you will set yourself up for a series of failing relationships. You'll be played by one guy after another. You are a single mature woman. Many woman reach a certain age and feel the clock is ticking; and get a little desperate. They jump feet-first into relationships. You put everything you have into it and you don't hold back a little to be sure you haven't surrendered both heart and soul too soon. We all make these mistakes. You're not alone. You'll survive.I say this often. Never make a man the center of your universe, save a bit of yourself. Don't emerge yourself so deeply that you can't see warning signs. We so easily put on blinders when in love, and we only want to see the best in the object of our affection. When your mind clears, you will look back and realize things that just didn't seem right. At this point, does it really matter? You are in shock. You will experience a full range of emotions before you are able to recover. You just need time to process it all. You will recover.If you are 40 or older, you have experienced heart-break before, and you were able to live through it. Don't let your broken-heart lie and tell you that you can't heal from this one too. Don't surrender to the pain. Fight with everything you've got to get over him. He doesn't deserve that must of you. There are so many of us, myself included, who fell so deeply for someone; and we don't see it coming. You are in good company. It isn't more than you can bear. It's just a lot to digest. It caught you off-guard.At this point, the pain doesn't allow for words to offer you much comfort. However; it's like diving into a deep pool of water. You have to hold your breath and swim for the surface. You have a slight panic if you can't reach the surface quickly; but you gasp to fill your lungs when you do. That panic goes away.You are feeling that panic right now. You will fill your lungs full of air, and the panic will subside.
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