A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I'm 23, my boyfriend is 31 and my brother is 33..MY brother and boyfriend had a huge fight at the weekend and now everything has kicked off at home. My. Brother and boyfriend have only met a handful of times and never really gotten to know eachother (my bf is very friendly and overt, but my brother is very shy and stays in his room when people come over). Anyway, a group of us went out and my brother and bf were getting along great - they were arranging to meet up, hugging, dancing etc.. Then all of a sudden my brother started screaming and shouting at my bf, saying he was going to kill him and all the usual ridiculous threats men band about when drunk - aparently my bf had threatened my brothers friend and then called me a slag. What had actually happened was, so it seems, my bf was looking for reassurrance from my brother, and let slip that he sometimes gets paranoid and admitted a lot of that stems from the fact I cheated on my ex of 4 yrs (he cheated on me lots, I only did it once, and as soon as I did it, I ended it.. I know that's not the point but it got me out of a horrible relationship and I hated myself for it). Anyway, my brother had no idea about this and thought my bf was making it up, then, apparently my bf threatend my brothers friend.. The friend in question has conveniently fallen off the radar since causing this fight and at the time refused to tell anyone what my bf had said to him. Hasten to add this friend has had a crush on me (nothing has ever happened) since forever (boyfriend doesn't know this) and is also widely known as being a s**t-stirrer. My bro admits to all this and even admits that he doesn't actually know what my bf was meant to have said to his friend...My brother acted totally unreasonably, getting chucked out of the club and having to have bottle prized out of his hands.. Now my boyfriend has totally accepted responsibility for exposing me cheating on my ex, and is absolutely apologetic about that, but refuses to apologise about anything to do with my brothers friend, he said he was getting on well with him and wanted to be in my brothers good books so there's no reason for him to be agressive towards him, I wasn't anywhere near any of them when all this happened so I have no idea what the truth is and who to believe but I genuinely don't think my boyfriend would threaten anyone unless provoked, and I also know my brother can't handle his drink and like I said his 'friend' is now nowhere to be found so he's caused this huge argument and then dissapeared.I've tried talking to my brother but he's gone all childish and isn't talking to me. He said he was just looking out for me and his friend which is fair enough and both my boyfriend and I understand that completely - but its looking like his friend has lied - my boyfriend is willing to talk and apologise to my brother so its not awkward but my bro said he won't apologise to my boyfriend, and if he does do anything else he doesn't like then he won't be welcome in the house.I think he's being unreasonable, and I feel so stuck in the middle. We're not talking at home and my boyfriend is feeling guilty - what should I do?! I can't believe these boys are in their 30s and I'm in my 20s and I feel like I'm sorting out a playground fight!!
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cheated on me, crush, drunk, my ex, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, oneguy  +, writes (3 February 2011):
Get both your boyfriend and brother together, and GET THEM TO TALK in front of you. It will either get better or it will END, but something will happen and either is good.
The reason is that if people cannot even talk about their problems, then what happiness will you have being with them as time progresses? None. Your life will become miserable.
31 and 33 years of age.. if these two men cannot talk upfront in a respectful, frank and bold manner, leave both of them out of your life and find someone else. It's a very harsh suggestion on the outset, but trust me, I mean every word.
You can't choose your relatives but thank God that you can choose your friends. And life partner.
Best,
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (3 February 2011):
Hi there. A really good idea is -
(1) Don't bring your boyfriend home to your place. Just go outside and get into his car, then go. The same thing when you come home from going out.
(2) Don't go out with your brother anymore, as he has a poblem with his drinking - plus his mate who caused all this trouble in the first place.
If you stop doing both of those things, well then I believe that all your problems of the recent past will no longer exist.
From now on when you and your boyfriend go out, just let it be the 2 of you. Don't do the group thing with your brother and his friends. Otherwise, there is a high likelihood that what happened recently, will happen again soon.
You don't want that anymore.
So the short answer is, avoidance. Stop putting yourself in that situation, then it will never happen again.
Then you and your boyfriend can have a lovely evening out together, in complete peace. Which is as it should be.
If you didn't plan to be seeing your brother on that night, well then in future, just don't go the the places your brother goes to with his friends, so you can avoid it altogether. It's your best course of action.
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