A
female
age
41-50,
*uanita
writes:Well, my problem is with my lazy, unambitious boyfriend, he went to london for 2years where he had the time of his life, he worked, he travelled europe no that he's back in south africa he's so depressed.... he's been back for two years.... he hasnt been working, he keeps saying how slow our country is and that he cant work with such incomptent people etc. when he came back he didnt look for a job because he wanted to go back to london. He wanted me to go with, i didnt want to leave my family and south africa's sunny skies so i declined, so he also stayed in south africa.... but he's been rather useless ever since he's been back.Before he went to london he was a hardworker and he would even work 2 or 3 jobs at the same time...now he just sits around at home... he's honestly becoming a burden to me because i pay rent, i pay for food i pay for everything.... i have spoken to him but now i feel like i nag him too much and i'm putting too much pressure on him... he did have a job for four months (4months out of two years that he's been back) he wasnt happy. he wants to start a business now... i think his business idea is great and i've put all my money into it... we still need more funding though but i don't have anymore to give.... and i feel like he doesnt push the business or try to find a way to fund it.... he's become so "useless" (i know thats harsh but i cant think of a better word) i think i've been very patient and supportive, i love him to death, he's wonderful and funny.... but i'm a woman and i don't have a great job, i've got my own bills to pay and i can't carry him forever...how do i get him to wake up and help me out... how do i get him to be more pro-active without me being a nag or putting too much pressure on him.I would love to be with him but he's really stressing me out... i study part time and i'm so stressed out about our finances that i'm failing half my exams... and I'm not stupid, I've never failed before, I'm just very stressed and need him to lighten my burden...I can't afford him anymore!! But i can't kick him out either.... i just want his help!!
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depressed, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, InterCntlCHmp  +, writes (23 October 2008):
Get Rid of HIM!!!!!!!! Time is non-refundable love. If he cared at all he wouldn't be acting like this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): Is he claiming U.I. F.?
Tell him job or go apply for U.I.F.? See how quick he finds work.
If he could find work overseas he can find work here. There are lots of opportunities but he is poilt with you supporting him. Close your purse and let him find and earn his own living.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (23 October 2008):
 You have a very kind heart and unfortunately that is what he is taking advantage of.
OK so he came from a broken home and you don't and you lived a privileged life but you don't anymore, your parents are not paying for your life now, you are having to fend for yourself and pay your own way.
Your bf is no fool believe me, even in UK British pounds when both the car and the other loan is added up that comes to £4,412 British pounds and that is still a sizeable amount of money to anyone. I am assuming you have quite a lengthy time to pay these loans back - possibly over several years?
Who uses the car and what is the money being used for that was for the other loan?
If the second one was to fund the new business venture then that is what should now be paying the loan back, i.e. the business should be generating some money otherwise it is a waste of money and you will have to continue paying off a loan for an unsuccessful business.
New businesses require a lot of time and effort to get them off the ground and that doesn't matter what country you live in you only get out what you put in and most of the time anyone who has worked in their own business will tell you it is long hours and maybe even working through the night and weekends and also not taking holiday time off or even days off when you know you need them but instead you just put all your energy and money into getting a new business off the ground. You can't do that if the business person who is starting the business is putting NOTHING in - even energy and ideas.
Your kindness and huge generosity is being taken advantage of and whilst you want the best for your bf you are not making him work for it and if he was able to get himself to London without anyone else funding him he can certainly do it now he is at home and you have been there supporting him both emotionally and financially.
You have said it yourself when he did find himself work for that 4 months, his first pay cheque went on him and his friend's - NOT YOU, in any way, even if it was a small amount or even a bunch of flowers for supporting him for so long. I am guessing the other 3 months probably didn't generate a lot coming your way either?
Sweetheart your upbringing has made you feel that you don't deserve to have nice things yourself and you should give so much of your own money and yourself away to someone who is NEVER going to appreciate it and that just isn't fair on you.
OK so even if you don't want the money back that you have spent so far then at least get him to start working so that you are not having to pay these loans yourself whilst you are still trying to study as well. You will run yourself into the ground and eventually you WILL resent him completely. Don't let it get to that stage, stop this now and stop the cycle of being his supporter completely.
You are a woman who needs love and attention and that doesn't cost anything.
Unfortunately life does make us a little harder but I have been through running my own business so I do know what I am talking about and my ex NEVER EVER left everything to me, he has always paid his way and always been there for our daughter supporting me whole heartedly.
I think you are fortunate that there are no children involved in your relationship as he doesn't sound like he would support them financially either as he sees you from a privileged background and mummy and daddy are always there for you. He needs some home truths that you support you and no one else helps you, but it is time now for him to step up and start earning his OWN keep. He eats the food and uses the electricity etc so it all has to be paid for.
Don't remain too soft that's all I wanted to say.
Sorry for going on but there are so many people from worse backgrounds than your bf and they don't wait for the world to give them anything, they go out and work for a living.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, Quanita +, writes (23 October 2008):
Quanita is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much everyone. I really appreciate it!
I will keep you all updated.
I think I will start by writing down all the expenses so that he can see them on paper.
About the business, I don't have a written partnership but i am paying for the car (its in my name) and i've taken a small loan (although very big for me because i do not have money!)
so i'm paying off a car (still owing about 2942 British Pounds) and a small loan for about 1470 Britsh pounds....
so maybe it doesnt sound a lot but in south africa that's a lot of money.
i just feel so disappointed and hurt because i come from a rich family, so without spoiling us, my parents gave us everything but also taught us to be generous to others and taught us not to praise material things, so ive never had a problem sharing what i have in fact i'd rather that other people have things instead of me because i dont really feel like i need anything...
and i like to give to people who didnt have the same opportunities as i had...
my boyfriend comes from a broken family who don't care what happens with him... he got to london with no help from anyone... he worked to get there and i so much want to see him rise above everyone even everyone including himself keeps putting him down... i just want more for him and for people to see him the way i do...
so i'm willing to support him and keep pushing him until he reaches his potential because he's worth more...
but then i get hurt because i remember when he was working for the 4 months, his first cheque he received he went out with his friends all night long and blew so much money... i ended up having to pay the rent once again... i mean i thought that after i've been carrying him... maybe when he gets paid he'll surprise me and take me to dinner or a movie or buy me flowers...
not because i expect him to praise me for helping him... but i just needed some sort of acknowledgement...
like i said, i'm from a good family, i've never had to struggle until i met him...
i don't do anything for myself, i don't buy myself clothes, i don't go out, i can't afford it.... i just ... i don't know....
i just want him to succeed... he doesnt have to pay me back... i just want to see him independent... so i can concentrate on myself.
Thank you everyone!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (23 October 2008):
You have had some very sound advice especially from two of my good friends Pepper27 and Emilysanswers.
Two years is a very long time to tolerate an unwilling partner, you have shown him support in both an emotional way and also a big financial way by putting money into his business idea, btw are you on the paperwork for this business venture, i.e. a partner or something to safeguard your investment?
He unfortunately has got into the train of thought that he is better than his home country and he dreams of the lights of London where the streets are paved with gold, no he needs to wake up and smell the coffee.
Life is not a holiday where he can bum his way around and take advantage of those closest to him, he either starts to get investment for this business venture or he finds himself somewhere else to live, maybe his family or friends as he is costing you money while he sits around at your place where he expects you to pay the rent and presumably the food and bills. He is not a man he is a leach and that just isn't on.
He knows now that he can get away with it as he just has to put on the charm and you let him do what he wants.
You now have to be extremely strong and point out to him what he has cost you, do a little chart of exactly how much he has put into your home since he came back and how much he has contributed.
Also put down what he owes you as you have spent your savings on this business venture.
Put it down in black and white and then there is no way he can argue with the facts. Talk to him calmly by all means and tell him that the pressure of the bills and everyday money issues is affecting your studies and exams and you are now under even more pressure from your tutors to catch up and regain your grades.
He needs to pull his weight and he won't do this unless you give him a definite timescale. Tell yourself how much time you can afford i.e. one month like Emilysanswers mentioned that is a reasonable amount of time.
Even lower paid jobs pay and that is all you need right now.
He has experienced a different lifestyle being in Europe and London but he is not living in those countries now and he has had 2 years to sort himself out. Enough is enough and he should consider himself damn lucky that you have allowed this to continue this long without getting angry before now.
Don't get angry but put it all down on paper and stick it under his nose and ask him how he is going to start helping to put money into the home and also pay you back, it is a simple question and NO MORE EXCUSES from him. You have heard them all now is the time for him to get off his lazy arse and tow the line to help take this financial burden off your shoulders so you can concentrate on your studies and being happier rather than constantly stressed.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (23 October 2008):
You've got to tell him that he has until the end of the month to pay you some money towards the house and for the money you gave him.
Have you told him you are failing exams because of him? Does he not care about your future and education?
Tell him to get working or get out because you just can't afford to keep him any more and unlike a dog, you can't re-home him.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, maneesh1003  +, writes (23 October 2008):
Do not kick him off as i know you love him very much.What you need to do is first stop paying all his expenses and make him realise that you are as well human as him.Do not tell him anything,behave as if you are no more with him and you are living your life as usual.One day by one day,he will come towards you and he will ask you whats the matter and why you are behaving like this.On that day, very calmly and politely, you speak to him and you ask him what his decision about life.If its possible make him realise how much irresponsible he is.And find you another friend,he will ask you what your intention, then you reply him what you think about him ans so on,my dear chill its life,when you have come at the point of dont know what to do,very easy,dnt do anything.
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (23 October 2008):
 Hi Hunny
There is support and support and you have just about done all you can to the point of resenting it sweetheart not because you dont love him but because as time has gone on very little support has come your way..You need to sit down and have a good long talk and tell him you hate this nagging side of you its stressing you out feeling this way. That you canot continue helping money wise anymore because you just havent got it and tell him about your studies and how this is affecting your whole life..And the last bit you popped on your post "Im just very stressed and need him to lighten my burden" Tell him... You dont need to moan or yell just sit him down and gently say YOU! need to talk with him. Its been the same for my partner but the work situation is a nightmare here he has been studying alot to better himself, over the last two yrs its been hard but we spoke alot and now he is getting somewere but never did he not listen if things got stressfull, I think when it comes to the point of pulling out your hair and feeling the way you do its gone to far and he canot possibly understand how this is affecting you..So take some time and a few deep breaths and pin him to a chair and talk love...I hope things get better for you very soon WITH LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): You're obviously a lovely person with a sense of humour but when your studies (therefore, future) are becoming impacted by his laziness, than that's when you know it's not funny anymore. Does he know he's making you fail your exams? Another thing. All his excuses are a load of bulshit. He's got to start taking responsibility for himself. Sure we all feel how he feels about work sometimes (alot of the time in my case) but he really needs to suck it up and start contributing.
Talk to him with your emotions in check and tell him what needs to happen. If he still doesn't get his bum off the couch than you have to kick him out. Don't feel sorry for him. Feel sorry your yourself! lol.
good luck!
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