A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:You cannot help how you feel. I guess I am looking for confirmation that I did the right thing. But I still feel lousy. I met a man online - we went to dinner for the 1st time in mid April. We had a good time and I really felt a connection. And he said he did too. We talked and talked and I enjoyed myself. We said goodnight and he was a perfect gentleman. He walked away without kissing me but I called him back and gave him a very sweet like tender kiss that we were both into. He did not take advantage, and we said goodnight. I really thought this could be something. We works in the Ent. Biz and is part of the crew. He has long hours and travels often. Next week he asked me out again, we had 3 dates in a row and they kept getting better so did the kissing. But I did not sleep with him. He was very polite and respected me.On the 4th date he let me know that he had to go out of town for work and would be back in about 2/3 weeks he was not sure. He has to follow the work. So what could I say. I said ok. He asked me to go home with me. I said no - I was not comfortable with that. As I said to him - you will be gone before the sunrise. He had a early call. He he looked like someone just took away Xmas. He said he had to work this is what he does and has been doing this for 22 years and no woman has ever been ok with his schedule. I said well this sounds like goodbye - he said it was not goodbye -he would be in touch. But in truth he did not know when he would be back in town. So I went home and in my mind I let him go. How do you have a relationship with someone who is not around. He did text - he was sorry I was mad at him. I said I was not mad I was sad. After that I got a text about week later - telling me he got work for the summer he had been busy and to take care. I figured that was it. A couple of days later he text again. He was in town and did I want to go to dinner. I said yes - why not enjoy the night - I had no expectations. I was not going to ask any questions about work - why bother. We had a nice night - I mean we click. He told me it was ok to say goodnight after dinner - he would leave it to me. I invited him back to my place to just hang out and talk. I was up front about that. We went back to my place we talked listened to music. We started to kiss but kept things cool. I wanted to sleep with him but I was on the fence - he sensed that and said it was ok - he was back in 2 weeks we would go out. I really began to feel safe. So I told him what I was feeling. I said that I did not want to sleep with him and have to be emotionally detached.He went home, I got a text later telling me what a great time he had - what a good kisser I was. And maybe we should just be friends. I was fun and funny - but it was not fair to sleep with me if he was never around. I said I agree, and it was why I had held back. But I did not see how we could be friends. He said we should be logical - this was not about sex. I said feelings are not logical, and it sounded like he was just not that into me. To which he replied - fine read what I wanted into it. I told him I could not just be his friend. And I thanked him for being honest with me. So there you have it. I stood by what was right for me. After all how well did I know this man. And why should I sleep with someone who is not available. Not even in town. And really friends - why bother. I think he meant it. But no that would just be a way for him to keep the door open and have no obligations to me. Thank you but no.So why do I feel like I blew it. I have dated men before hoping things would change - they never did. And I wasted years. Not this time - I mean why give away the store. And somehow I feel like if he really liked me things would be different or maybe things would change. I guess I just liked him and was really hoping to see where things might go. So did I blew it?
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female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 You might feel crappy about this now, and that's understandable, but I think that you didn't blow anything.
You did the absolute right thing and you did what you were comfortable in doing.
You say 'I feel like if he really liked me things would be different or maybe things would change.' You are right...if he really did like you he would have put more effort into this...no matter what sort of schedule he has. If he really wanted to make it work he would have.
So, don't blame yourself...you didn't do anything wrong, you did everything right. I just think that it wasn't meant to be.
Why do you feel like you blew it? I've found that women often blame themeselves when things don't work out. A friend of mine got dumped because she didn't sleep with a man on the third date and she came to me asking if she should have given in to him just so she could have a chance. I saw this as him being in the wrong and yet there she was blaming herself.
I always say that if a man is truly interested, if he's genuine and if he wants you for real...not much will get in his way. It took me a long time to figure this out but I've learned my lesson. If he really wants you, little things won't matter in the beginning. It's only when he doesn't that you start to look into little things to work out where YOU went wrong. I must say though that you didn't do anything wrong...he just wasn't interested enough, for whatever reason, and so he didn't put in that effort. If you could replay this over and over and change the things you did, it still wouldn't work...because it's not your problem but his.
So chin up, you did not blow it. He just wasn't for you.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Not sure. The big question is whether he would commit to you. It seems he can be committed, but his work won't allow him to be there for you all the time. A relationship with him could have been great, if you could keep up with his forced absence, or not. I think you erred on the "safe" side. What's done is done.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (19 May 2010):
 NOPE you did not!!
I'm a firm believer the 'he's just not that into you'. He would have texted you/called you ALOT while away. He didn't. He got in touch only when more convenient for him (him coming back into town). If he was truly interested in more than just sex, he would have called and asked for the next date...and the next ....and the next. He seems to just blow with the wind, he's in town so he calls you, he's away well then he doesn't; but he still wants to bed you. ARGH.
You did the right thing. Don't bother with another date, you're just going to allow yourself to fall for him more and end up hurt. He needs to make a huge effort (eg. calling you, making the next date, spending time with you etc)...none of this "I don't know when I'll be back" business. Thats just bs and code for ' I want something casual at my convenience'.
Remember for guys, just because he 'clicks' with a girl doesn't mean he is ready for a relationship. Guys toss away plenty of great girls before they feel its time for a relationship. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise.
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