A
male
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anonymous
writes:I have been engaged for a few months now and my fiancee's jealousy is becoming worse.I have never given her any reason to be suspicious of me, although I do speak to female friends on MSN. She knew my password and would sometimes go on my account and start talking to these girls asking who they were, so the next time I would go on, they would say that I was ignoring them or asking who they were. I was always having to explain. Yesterday, she was on my account talking to one of my best female friends. I had said that this girl was a good friend and was there for me and vice versa sho she added her to her own msn too.When she was signed into mine, she was talking to this girl and said that she was crying because her dad was unwell and could not stand up.I signed her out and went on myself to see if she was ok. While I was checking her and making sure she was ok, my fiancee was asking her if she fancied me and all things like that. She explained that we were nothing more than good friends and she accepted that.She loves me and is terrified that I will leave her or cheat on her. What can I do to reassure her of this?She believes that she is ugly and that all of my friends and my ex are beautiful. I tell her she is the most beautiful and I love her more than I have ever loved anybody. I try to give her confidence in all aspects of life, but she has no self belief.I said to her to prove how much she loves me by not smoking, that was 12 days ago and she still has not smoked. I explained that SHE was in control of what SHE does. She feels as though she cant do anything right, all I want is her, forever.She cheated not long after we got serious, she slept with a neighbour around 80 times and I forgave her for this, (well I am trying), but she realises she made a mistake and realised how much I mean to her.But now, she is convinced that I am going to cheat on her. I would never put her through that, I love her more than anything. How can I prove this to her?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (13 September 2006):
 It has nothing to do with you. She is struggling because of her own fears and doubts. All you can do is be loving and supportive. She needs to find her own way out of her prison.
She might get a lot out of a book called 'Breaking the chain of low self esteem' by Marlyn Sorensen. You could buy it and give it to her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everybody, my friend who I mentioned in my original post has been talking to my fiancee all day on MSN and they get on really well now.
We were talking about honesty and the reasons why she feels so insecure. She went on webcam with this friend of mine, after applying make up. My friend told her that I was right and that she was beautiful. She just said to me on the phone, "I suppose I am not THAT ugly". I said, "You are beautiful, I just wish you realised that".
I always surprise her and buy her gifts and always treat her like a princess.
Counselling is a MUST for us and a step which we will soon take.
She is all I want and I will never hurt her.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (12 September 2006):
 Hi Anonymous,
I agree with some of the other aunts that you two should attend couples counseling. There's no reason for *either* of you to become destroyed souls. That's not what loving and caring relationships are all about.
Now, the way that I look at it - she seems to be an honest person now. She came clean about what happened and she's trying to work on that. The problem is that she can't let go of these negative feelings about what she did. It's eating away at her mind and making her think that you may do the same thing. If you both do not go to couples counseling, then I highly recommend she go back to a therapist - a different one - because the last session(s) she attended did her no good.
Relationships are not supposed to be about constantly figuring out problems. They are also supposed to be fun and exciting! You two need to get that part back. And while it would probably thrill her if you were to stop talking to and seeing your female friends, that is not healthy for either of you.
I suggest that you maybe introduce your female friends to your fiance. It would help her gain more trust with you and she also might become good friends with these girls, too. The downside is that she may end up not liking them but at least she had the chance to see that you are not all touchy with them and that they are just like one of your guy friends. And if she does have a problem, it is something that should be addressed during your counseling sessions.
But just remember that this is not a dead end for either of you - there are ways to get through this! But what I strongly suggest is that you take care of the trust issues before getting married. For some people, marriage is a big step and has some stress in it alone, you don't want to have to add to that.
So talk about seeing a counselor together. Get all of your feelings out in the open. Discuss what would make the both of you feel better. Enforce the positive! Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Get into counseling with her and get proactive to helping her help herself. This is the only way. Why on earth are you sacrificing your own happiness to be this 'saviour' in her life. That is self-defeating isn't it. Value yourself enough to be strong and courageous enough to make her take responsibilities for her own problems. Stop with the heroism at the risk of your own emotional well being. You can't save her, dear--she has to resolve this on her own. All you can do is support her, be by her side but she has to be willing to help herself. She needs to be told that "once she acknowleges and accepts the past as the past...it's only then she can step into the future with you" No rationalizations or excuses should be allowed. She has to make the choice. It's a risk, but whatever happens as a result of her choice-you will certainly know more about yourself than you did before. Absorb the life lesson and take responsibility for your part in this relationship and how it played out. If she chooses to remain this way and not help herself, then she has chosen her past pains and hurts todominate her life. That's the time, you walk away because you never had her love in the first place. Because true love is when we do everything to make the other happy and she's not doing this for you. You will grieve..you will be sorrowful. Mend your heart over time and instead of closing off your heart, expand it. But above all, through all this..have compassion for yourself. Just give yourself a sense of personal power and choose to learn from all this. Remember, when ever you choose love, you are also choosing loss. This may be one of those times. I wish you the best dear..you are in a tough spot. Take care and be strong and start believing in yourself, as well.
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A
female
reader, joeymac +, writes (12 September 2006):
im not saying u are bad at all i said sorry i am sorry ok i gave u crap advice and im sorry for saying ur gf is a loser, i just dont like to see ppl get hurt like that but if ur ok bout it then its fine its non of my business
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, she has had a very troubled past, raped whilst pre-teen which led to an abortion, plus many other incidents over the years.
I am willing to put up with it all, I just want to make her happy and hope for a future. I would give anything to make her happy.
I will try anything to make us work, even if I become a destroyed soul in the process. I want her to have a happy life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): Hun, your gf is not adequately capable of handling the commitment and challenges that a solidly healthy, intimate relationship requires. If she doesn't stop being jealous, insecure..then this relationship will not fly. Jealousy is a form of control and she's unknowingly 'running the show here' and it's draining you. Has she been traumatized, abused or mistreated at some time in her past? Sometimes, the pain from incidents like this-will affect a person's whole general personality and they never are able to resolve issues that haunt them. If she doesn't get adequate closure on painful experiences/issues from past pains and hurts in her life, then she will continue bringing them into present and the future relationship. You can't marry her and have a family if she hasn't gotten through this. Your future family deserve a happy intact home with a happy, strong Mother. She needs to find that healthy, positive sense of self; it all comes down to self-love and the courage she has, to face her demons and do something about it. It all has to do with how she views herself? From what you said in your posting-she possesses no self-love or value in herself. This is so sad. The only way she will get through this is counselling. Why not go another route with her? Try couple counseling together. Tell her you want to help this relationship get back on track. Perhaps, when you are both with a couples counselor, they may be able to help her understand how her insecurities are damaging this relationship. If she can't take the steps to helping herself...you may have to walk away from this. A tough decision...but you've had a glimpse into what your future may be like with this girl. Do you really want to live like this, for years to come? It's your choice.
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A
female
reader, Tine +, writes (12 September 2006):
 i think she is just thinking back to the tim eshe cheated on you and her guilt is taking over and all she is thinking about is you trying to get her back.
There is really not much else you can do to reassure her that you wont cheat besides not do it. You say that you tell her how beautiful she is all the time and you tell her how much you love her and really there is not much else you can say. She must just be really insecure about herself and i think thats what you need to work on with her.
Surprise her and treat her better than you've ever treated her before. Buy her flowers and gifts, take her out, just treat her like a queen and maybe if you do it for long enough she will feel like one.
As for these women on msn, fair enough they are your friends however you do have to see her point of view on this. Everyone has a picture of internet chatting and this whole thing about cyber sex always creeps into womens minds when they hear there partner is talking to other women. Then her low self esteem comes up too, she thinks that if you are talking to these other women, and she doesnt no what you are talking about, then things might progress. So i say work on her insecurities first and take it from there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Ariel
She has spoken to a counsellor before, plus she has apologised about her jealousy and is trying to stop being so obsessive. She has tested me many times, I just feel like I am getting angry with her and taking it out on her.
She loves me very much, but it hurts me to see her being so worried aout losing me.
joeymac, I was logged in and in the shower.
I checked to see if there were any new responses, then I saw your little attack. I can understand how it might have looked, but I can assure you I never gave you a bad rating, I am not that petty. I am also not as bad as you are making me out.
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A
female
reader, Angel_A +, writes (12 September 2006):
 It does sound like you have a very very insecure fiance, and I don't think you can solely solve this problem for her, as it may be more deep-rooted than be about your relationship alone?
You can reassure her all you like, but it sounds like she will continue to be possessive, and perhaps even test your love for her - pushing you to your limits. This is alot for any man/woman to live with long-term, to feel mistrusted, checked on and to constantly feel the need to reassure - are you sure you're up for that?
Has she ever tried counselling? her behaviour does seem to cause her alot of distress, would she consider counselling, even perhaps with the two of you there so that she didn't feel you were just wanting her to sort this out and didn't want to be involved?
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, joeymac +, writes (12 September 2006):
ok then sorry for accusing u i just felt a bit p*ssed off that i tried to encourage u and help u as she cheated on u 80 times, that must hurt, u didn't want to hear that tho so im sorry i don't no what else to say to ur question.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have not rated you poor at all, ask any of the moderators for proof if they can. I have not rated your answer at all. Assumption can be a bad thing, especially unwarranted. thank you for your comments, at least I can see YOUR true colours.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): I don't think anything you do or say can take away her insecurities. One day after being together for about three years, I suddenly realized that my boyfriend had lots of girls for friends and one in particular that he hung out with alot and occasionaly without me present. Nothing ever happened between them but almost over night I went from being a laid back girlfriend to the crazy girl no man wants to deal with. There were no signs he had cheated, no reason for me to be suspicious. I just chalk it up to a sporatic bout of insecurity. Nothing my boyfriend of (now) five years said or did made me any less jealous or suspicious. I just realized on my own that all I was doing was putting strain on an otherwise great relationship and destroying my own peace of mind. It's already obvious that your girlfriend has low self esteem... if you can try to help her build that back up she will become more secure with you which should cause her to be less jealous. If she looks hot, tell her the moment the thought enters your mind. If you want to hug or kiss her, do it no matter who's around. If she seems sad or is crying, give her all the comfort you can. This should show her how much she means to you and give her the ego boost she desperatly needs. You might also for the time being not want to chat online with females as often just to save yourself some grief. I'd love to hear how this works out for you regardless of the advice you accept so please update everyone later. Good luck to both of you!!!
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A
female
reader, joeymac +, writes (12 September 2006):
then why are u asking anyone for advice? i notice my 'poor' rating has gone up considerably as u read my advice, i take it back, u do not seem nice, u seem like a moaner who just wants to complain but not accept advice u have asked for, what is the point of coming on here and asking ur question. sort urself out, if my bf had cheated on me 80 i wud find out what was wrong with me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, she isnt a loser. She has done everythin she can to regain my trust. She worked hard and I know she would never cheat again.
I just want a happy future with her and forget about the past.
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A
female
reader, joeymac +, writes (12 September 2006):
she is insecure because she is a cheat and her minds works in a vicious and deceiving way, so she assumes that urs does too. she will always be like this because she will always have the fear that one day u will get ur own back. i respect that u love her but she seems like a complete loser and u sound so nice, u deserve a lot better than this.
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