A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I understand this is a lot to read, but please do not answer if you do not read it. It took me quite a while to write down exactly how I feel and I would really like thoughtful answers. I do not believe that "once a cheater, always a cheater" because I believe everyone deserves a second chance My girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me. We are both 22 now and met in our first year of college, but we quickly became inseparable and even lived together for almost a year (she was kicked out of her parent's house and lived with me, but eventually moved back home because I had to move into a small dorm room). She was so much to me; more than best friends or even family, we loved each other so much and I honestly never thought something like this could happen to us. We had a great relationship and never had any problems with cheating; I even planned on asking her to marry me in December (her birthday). She went to a party without me, got really drunk and slept with a guy she'd just met. She came to me and told me the next morning and wants to make amends. I believe her that it was a one-time thing, but it still hurts and I can't get the image of it out of my head (This all happened earlier this week). She says she will do anything to get me back and is so sorry for what she did, but I still told her we needed to call it quits.After talking with her again, she admitted that she had previously thought about breaking up because we are each other’s first relationship and haven't slept with or dated anyone else, so I thought this might have been a subconscious (or possibly conscious but inebriated) cause for the incident. In all honesty, I have felt this way too in the past. I worried that if I stayed with her, I would give up my college years of being single and dating around, and would never experience many things my friends had. These feelings came and went, but eventually died down because I realized she made me happy in so many ways that I didn’t care if I never had anyone else.I know things will take time to heal, but I still do really love her and think we could get past this. I told her we need time apart for both of us to find out what we really want out of a relationship. I know I can't get back with her right away or she wouldn't realize how bad she has hurt me and it would reduce the severity of the incident; I would be afraid that if I got back with her too soon, she would feel I'm a push over and would just set this up to happen again. I plan on spending some time alone or maybe dating a bit and maybe giving it another try in 2-3 months, but deep down I would rather just get back with her right now. Half of me wants to move on and date around so I don't feel like I'm missing out in life, but I still have this lingering feeling that if I do then I will miss out on something great that was lost in a big mistake. I think I could get past the cheating and start again with her, but I have this feeling that if she feels that way, then getting back together with me will just cause that “only been with one guy” feeling to come back later. It kills me to think it, but the only way I know she would be rid of that feeling for good would be to break it off until she has had time to be alone. I know it’s selfish, but it kills me even more to think of her with other guys. I just feel like if this was the deep down cause for this incident, then there might be nothing I can do to change it except move on. She might have been the right one, but maybe not at the right time in life.So in conclusion, my big question is: Is it realistically possible for us to get back together, or would this feeling return to her later and cause something like this to happen again? I’m not sure if I should tell her I just need some time to get past this or if I should just end it so we can both move on with our lives and try to forget those 3 years together. :'(Also on a side note:She was very honest with me and told me right away what happened, but she refuses to tell me the guy's name. The only info she would give me was that they had never met before, and that he was a friend of a co-worker from out of town. One of the conditions of me taking her back would be her complete honesty on this and everything in the future. So I want to know this guy's name and exactly how this happened. She says knowing his name would only make me feel bad, but my paranoid and angry brain is making me think she is still hiding something. Is it right for me to demand this info or is she right that it would only hurt more?Thank you for your advice
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best friend, cheated on me, co-worker, drunk, get back together, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cutejennykitty +, writes (28 April 2012):
I've cheated on my BF a few times. He found out about one time and he forgave me after being mad for a while. I am his first but he is not mine. I love him and everything and he is very sweet, I just like having sex with other men. Some girls are just like that maybe you just have to get over it. It sucks having to lie and not being able to talk to him about my fun sexual experiences. Maybe you could try and just understand.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): A drunken sexual accidental mistake...it does happen does it ;)No such thing as a mistake, she did it because she wanted to and she could have stopped it anytime but she went through with it so that tells you alot right there.The I don't want to tell you his name because it would make you feel bad is a load of bull, even though she did disclose it, and any other excuse as to why they slept together is also bull. cheating is a deal breaker and the trust is never fully reformed after that. Leave her or face sleepless nights wondering what's she's up to next time she goes out, seeing she can't control herself. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Dude, we are the same boat here, you seems very honest guy, with your personality the more you try to find that guy info the more painful you will get, her cheating will never goes away from your mind, drop her and pick another one. Assume you are blind. Good luck
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (25 April 2012):
If you give her a second chance, you will be on this board again for the very same reason at some point. Not a guess.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Everyone deserves a second chance. It's what they do with it that counts.
If there is even the slightest suspicion of cheating on her part, ever again, then she's gone.
I would require her to agree to a few things before taking her back.
1) She MUST give you the douchenozzle's name. So you can go and kick the stuffing out of him as a warning of what happens if he so much as thinks of even asking you so much as the time ever again.
2) She cuts off all unofficial contact with said douchenozzle. No emails. Not texts. No phone calls. As far as you two are concerned, this moron no longer exists.
3) She loses all rights to complain about something you do, for a very long time.
Three simple rules... and if she can stick to them, then you might just both make it through this. If she refuses, then she is not nearly as interested in the relationship as you deserve her to be, so then you kick her to the curb without a second glance.
Flynn 24
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Sorry OP but unless she is completely open and honest about this then there is no chance becausewithout knowing the details how can you if the reason it happened is not something that be there again if you know what I mean.
I mean if she puts this down to her being so drunk and she made a mistake then how can you ever trust her when she drinks again and you're not around?
If she won't tell you the guys namethen how are you going to know whether he's a person she comes into contact a lot and will have further opportunity with in the future?
OP she's not telling you because that is the case. He's either a friend or a co-worker and she won't tell you because she will see him a lot and she knows you just won't be able to carry on in a relationship with her while he's still part of her life. She told you that didn't she? She said she won't tell you because you'll only feel bad, the only logical conclusion then is that she will continue to have this guy in her life isn't it? Because the first and most important condition of regaining trust after cheating is that is completely out of the picture.
You can't trust a girl who does something like this and then continues to lie about it. You want his name whose friend he is, you want to know how and why this happened or you will never make peace with the situation.
OP this didn't happen because she fears only having been with one guy. You know that and if it was for that reason then you're screwed because it's not only sex with other guys she wants to experience, she'll want to know what other guys are like to date, to have as partners etc. She'll want to have ex's.
I think your plan to take 2-3 months break to figure things out is a good one but please don't date. Don't get involved with other girls when you're so emotionally invested in this one. You'll only hurt those other girls and you don't want that do you? Being someone's rebound sucks OP, don't stoop so low as to use other girls for comfort or to satisfy some need to make up the numbers, they deserve a hell of a lot more respect than that don't they? Don't be that guy. Plus if you really want to heal your relationship with this girl is sleeping around really going to achieve that? Sure she has cheated but if she loves you in any way then you getting with other girls will crush her and ruin your chances at reconciliation.
Take your 2-3 month break, be with yourself be with your friends, take a breather and time to re-evaluate your life. If she stays away from guys and you stay away from girls, then perhaps you have a chance. If she starts dating others or you do then it's over and no offence OP but if you start dating girls right now or soon then you're a just a heartless dick, because you shouldn't date girls unless you're emotionally available to them, which you won't be for a long time. You'll only be using them for comfort or to satisfy your own curiosity.
Good luck man, this is going to be a tough ass time, just stay strong fight it and keep doing the right thing by yourself and others, or you'll just make yourself as bad as what she has done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Hi. If she came to you the next morning and told you about it. Then she remembered it OK, so she wasnt THAT drunk. She also remembers details about him. So again, she wasnt that drunk. Refusing to give you a name because that will make you `feel bad` seems a strange thing to say to you, when she has just disclosed cheating on you and the bottom of your world has already fallen out. How much worse can a name make you feel now?!
I have a suspicion she cant remember his name or is trying to find out more about him and stalling for time. OR you need to consider this. The very best liars are the ones who stick to as close to the truth as possible. So she might be honest about cheating on you, while covering up the fact that it is someone you actually know! Who can tell?
To be frank. If you are thinking marriage after 3 years, while she has just gone off and had sex with someone else. Then your choices and hers are very far apart and that`s not a promising sign.
Even if you try with the relationship. Pretty soon it could lead to resentment on your part because she has slept with someone other than yourself. That fact can lead to bitter resentment in time. Because no matter how reasonable you might try to be about forgiveness. It is easier said than done.
If I were you, I would give yourself a few weeks away from her. See how you feel about being `single`. It might not be as bad as you imagine. Once your head has cleared, then make your decisions based on what your head is telling you not your heart. That has just taken a direct hit so cant be relied upon for now.
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A
male
reader, punksavage  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 First there is no such thing as a drunk accedent or accedental sex in general. It is possible for you two to date again but should you really. Its a good sign that she told you right away it proves that shes really is sorry. But it would be risky to date again its your call in the end either stay away and find another girl or risk getting cheated on again also if you do u might be paranoid shes cheating on you believe me ive been there
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 Of course it is possible for you to get back together, but there are no guarantees for the future, are there? Given the way that she thinks about not having any sexual partners apart from you (and the one she cheated on you with), she might want to explore again. Or maybe not, if she truly regrets her actions. Who knows what she's thinking.
The thing is, you are both playing too many games in the relationship.
" I know I can't get back with her right away or she wouldn't realize how bad she has hurt me and it would reduce the severity of the incident"
"I would be afraid that if I got back with her too soon, she would feel I'm a push over and would just set this up to happen again."
You know that OP, the fact that you are thinking and analyzing so much about all this means that your relationship (or what was left of it) isn't right. There shouldnt be any mind games or holding back and wondering in a relationship, it all seems like too much work and a pain rather than something that makes you happy.
Let her go OP, the way that things have shaped up, you will always keep doubting her. Another point that I wanted to touch upon was, why did her parents kick her out? Our parents know us best, and to kick a daughter out of the house has to be a pretty big step. What happened there? Maybe that can give us a little more insight into her character and the way she is.
Anyway, I think you should just back off, as of now. Give yourself some time to deal with all this and try and get over it. Dont date anyone else, because you are clearly not over this girl and it would be unfair to any new girl whom you might date.
Also, dont insist on details of the incident because its of absolutely no use now. It doesnt matter in the least who the guy was or what positions they did it in. You know that she cheated on you and that is enough information. Nothing that she will tell you now can lessen the pain. If you feel she is hiding something, then just let go of her. You're just trying to clutch on to a few drops of water in the palms of your hand, and the tighter you clench your fist, the more you will lose whatever little you have left. Let her go OP, you will just be torturing yourself if you continue with her.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 You have a right to know the guys name. But you probably cannot force her to tell you. I think perhaps you are on the right track to just take a break from this girl. Let's see how quickly she jumps into the arms of another guy. If rather quickly you were probably smart to get out now instead of later. I think you both need to know what's out there and this just proves that curiosity kills the relationship.
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A
male
reader, SWbytrade +, writes (25 April 2012):
I think the biggest part in this whole dilemma is that you both don't really know what you want, AND you're scared of whatever outcome comes your way because of a decision you make.You had mentioned that she once thought about breaking up with you as well, because you were both so young, and were both worried you would be "missing out" on life experiences with other people.But that is natural. We are human. We want to experience everything because we are constantly curious to "what if" situations, especially when you know the potential of what's out there.From the sounds of it, both of you have had that feeling of "wanting to try something new," but it's just that she actually took that step of doing it. And alcohol became a factor, which gives anyone that extra courage to "step over the line." Those are just the facts. I think at any age, regardless of how much experience you have, you will always feel like you need a safety net. In terms of relationships, everyone wants to feel wanted. Once you invest so much time/emotion into one person, they become a safety net that you expect to be there. But once someone cheats on you, you feel devastated, but still, you want that safety net there. It is much better than being alone, as some justify it. Let me put it to you this way: I personally don't believe there is simply "one soul mate" for each person. In reality, there are hundreds, if not thousands of people who can be completely compatible with you. It's a matter of timing and chance. If you decide to stay with here, you will continue to feel hurt, and in all honesty, love her, but still have a shred of distrust for her. This next sentence is important: If you decide to not stay with her, you MUST COMMIT to it. You have to tell her how this made you feel, how you appreciate her honesty, and that yes, you care for her. However, perhaps the space will do you good, for you both to find yourselves. Don't make it seem like you're doing this for you. You're not. You're doing it for both of you. Commit to not seeing her. Ignore her advances. If you want to commit finding someone who could be compatible with you, you must let go of the safety net. Why am I so sure? I once had a gf who I thought was the one. But because it didn't work out, I had to commit not seeing her, and I found a 2nd girl who was completely compatible with me. Unfortunately she was an exchange student and could not stay. We both talked about our relationship, but it wasn't possible to stay together. This philosophy, helped me understand that if there is a girl who is thousands of miles away, who I would have never met unless I was out there, could be completely 100% compatible with me. There must be more out there, just like her. Those 3 years with here were probably amazing. But don't let this one chapter in your life limit you on what you can write in the next chapter. I think she is, yes, holding out on you by not telling you his name. There would be no reason, if she's being "completely honest" with you. I'm not telling you what to do. All I'm saying is, if it's meant to be, some way, some how, it will happen. But you have to at least try to see what else is there in this world. There's NEVER just one soul mate.
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A
female
reader, JessicaStarDust +, writes (25 April 2012):
 I'm very sorry, this is one of the hardest things to deal with and I am in a same situation as you. I feel your pain.3 years with someone is a long time. You get used to having that person with you. So first you need to make sure you do not want her to come back cause you are lonely.Second, She did tell you the next morning. Although she did betray you I give her mad props for telling you the truth. It's the hardest thing to hear but I'm glad you did not have to see or find out about it in any other way but from her. She is right tho, It will hurt you the more info you find out. Yet I know you want too. For some odd reason we feel we can have closure over knowing. It won't. If you do find out everything I'm sure you will start to wish you could just live in a lie.What you are doing is right, stay distant before moving on with her. Only time will answer your question with honesty. I believe that EVERYONE deserves a second chance, but that chance is you gambling your emotions. Maybe you are like me and you take a chance, but you will never forget. Time will heal wounds, but you will always have scars.About your conditions. I could not agree more. She needs to be 100% honest with you, but you will have to leave the past were it is. Nothing good comes from digging the graves. It will destroy anything you might have with her.I do honestly believe if you love each other you can make it work. BUT both parties have to give 500% into the relationship. Each day will be hard but it will be better. Some people like to "live" the life, others however they are not for that. As you said before, you pushed aside those thoughts cause you believe you did not need anyone else but her. If that's how you honestly feel then you really are not missing out on life.Whatever you choose to do, I hope it is the best for you. Just remember you are gambling either way if you do get back with her or if not. You are right tho, give yourself some time before you make any real decisions. Good luck, I hope for the best.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (25 April 2012):
 I hope you understand that no matter how long you wait, if you take her back, she'll believe that this kind of behavior is excusable. I know you love her, but she obviously doesn't love you. For one, she cheated on you (drunkness is not an excuse). For two, she won't even be honest with you about what happened. The details she's giving you about the guy she slept with are bullsh*t. She obviously is hiding something, otherwise telling you wouldn't be an issue.Take it from someone who's been cheated on numerous times by the same person, you guys aren't even married, and you haven't even experienced a ton out of life, and she's already feeling trapped in your relationship. Let her go. Don't go out and "experience life" for a couple months and then go back to her. You'd only be letting yourself down. She doesn't deserve someone like you if she's willing to sacrifice your relationship over a drunken night. Forget her. Move on. She's not worth your time.
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