A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I of 2 years have been experimenting in the bedroom over the past few months. We started with him, at my request, being more and more aggressive with me, i.e., holding me down. Then I asked for him to tie me up, which after a lot of pushing and convincing, I got him to do. It was good, but, and this is embarrassing to say, I did not achieve orgasm. So, I mentioned that I'd like to switch places and I'd like to be in control, after a few weeks of thought. I bought handcuffs from the sex shop, and a gag. He was very, VERY reluctant, but I went slow and he became really into it the more I talk about it.Fast forward to the night, He was half tied up when I brought out the gag, and after a bit, he agreed to that too. We said the safe word would be "Red" and if he couldn't say that, which would be difficult with the circumstances, he would move his eyes from side to side and/or tap the bed post (although that didn't seem likely with the way the handcuffs were positioned).We did a lot of things, and then I had sex with him. It was going really well, and we were both really into it...and then I felt it, my breasts and genitals tingling. I had been craving an orgasm for months, and it was now so close. However, I looked down at him, and he was moving his eyes side to side, trying to tap the bedposts and mumbling "RED." The orgasm I had been craving for so, so long was so close, I kept going for those last 10 seconds, even though he had clearly told me to stop. I just pretended I didn't see/hear it as I closed my eyes, and my legs went weak with pleasure. When it was all over, I untied him and pretended I knew nothing. He didn't even talk to me right after, and was really passive aggressive. Apparently, he had orgasmed too, thankfully it was a "dry run," (already orgasmed before) but he wasn't wearing a condom. I'm no sexually aggressive, and all of my fantasies up to this point have been with the man in control...but when I felt that long sought after orgasm coming, nothing else matters; not even the wishes of my boyfriend. He hasn't really talked to me in about 3 days, and I don't blame him. I feel like my body was just taken over with sexual desire, but of course that's no excuse.Can I ever get him to forgive me for what I did? If so, how?
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female
reader, sunshinesmile  +, writes (10 June 2011):
I've been in a similar position except it was me who wanted to stop and my fiance kept going. I begged him to stop and was crying because it hurt so much but he just didn't. Afterwards he apologized to me and said that he felt like he couldn't stop because he was close to orgasm and I forgave him. Maybe the problem is that you didn't address the problem right after it happened. You should definitely apologize to him and tell him exactly what was going on and offer to go to counseling with him if he wants but it's understandable what he's going through.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): I do wonder what responses you'd have got it the roles had been reversed.
If this was a man saying that he'd tied his girlfriend up and then ignored her when she'd told him to stop, I think the tone of the answers would be very different.
At best you've assaulted him, at worst you've raped him.
I think you both need to sit down and talk this through, but personnally I'd have problems trusting you again, sorry.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011):
Why did he want to stop? Did you ask him that?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): What did you do to him that made him want you to stop?
Did you hurt him?
If you did, and you were "getting off" on that, then perhaps the best place to start is with a counselor and working on that aspect.
I don't "get off" on hurting my spouse in the bedroom. I do "get off" on her getting pleasure and "getting off".
Honestly, it sounds like you have some serious issues around sex, abuse, control, and other things that this forum is not the best place to address. I'd be willing to bet that your boyfriend doesn't have a clue about what is really going on in your mind, and right now he is very disturbed by what is going on.
You might want to invite him to counseling after you have gotten established.
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A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (6 June 2011):
 Well, I see the problem you have like this...
The thing that drove you to orgasm was disrespecting his plea for you to stop and being in control. This is what likely drove you over the top, IMHO.
The idea of using him while he is powerless, that is what drove you over the edge.
Will you be able to orgasm again without that kind of control? Sounds like you have a bit of explaining to do to him to find out if he is on board with this.
I'm sure I would not trust you again. In fact, if a man had been in your position with a female pleading with him to stop, he would be accused of rape. Food for thought.
Sounds to me like you fulfilled a rape fantasy without permission.
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A
female
reader, Y_v  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 The question you have got to ask yourself is.... what is more important him being happy, you being happy or both of you being happy?
So it seems that you've just got into s&m, and you like being in control. Try and not turn this into a bad thing. You need to make sure you're both happy with it. Otherwise if you continue to force him to do things he doesn't want, it won't be very healthy and sadly you may end your relationship through this.
2 ways that you could possibly do to try and make it up to him.
1- ask him what you could do to make it up to him. simple as that. if he's angry with you then let him know that it was your fault and that you are willing to do anything to make him feel better.
and 2- you could go back to traditional romantic incentives. Make him feel loved. Make him feel like you're not just using him for sexual pleasure. Treat him, spend more time with him, just cuddle him, don't have sex for a while. I know it sounds ridiculous but this way you'd be able to climb the forgiveness ladder :)
By talking with him you'll find that comfortable part of your relationship.
Hope this helpsx
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A
female
reader, heather016  +, writes (6 June 2011):
mm.. you sound like you've disrespected him..
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A
female
reader, Taylaa.x +, writes (6 June 2011):
I understand completely what your going through as i experienced the same thing a few months ago with my boyfriend. I had also had him tied up, (minus the gag) and i was on top in control. just like you said, i had the tingling feeling, and was not going to stop until i had come, as i hadnt in quite a while. however as i got closer to climax i heard my boyfriend uttering the words stop. i think i must have selective hearing cause i ignored him completely, until we both climaxed together. he was annoyed after as he said he wasnt ready to finish, and that i "stole" his orgasm from him. Well i just told him that seomtimes we have sex and i dont even get to climax and he soon came around to the idea and we soon laughed about it.
Just like @repetitive-edge says below - you need to discuss this with him, i'm sure he'll understand once you tell him that you couldnt help yourself and that you really really craved an orgasm. tell him that you will pay him back, and maybe treat him to an extra blow job or a massage this week! Good luck! Hope this helped! x
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