A
female
age
36-40,
*enada846
writes:My old friends who brought the worst out in me want to hang out again - they are insecure high maintenance girls that tear each other down and celebrate at the club every weekend and drink champagne. Since turning 30 I stopped - I realized that I count count on them for anything besides filling an empty void that got deeper with some of them . They have asked me to hang out again and I'm always on the fence- I have people at work that I started hanging out with in my new job that I see similar traits too - the gossip- the envy of the new bag or promotion or just the putting you down.I went from being the girl that goes out non stop to the one that is sitting here and typing this on a Friday night - I feel lost and lone sometimes - what should I do. I feel like bad people find me - I feel like a looser I'm home alone most of the time- and I'm very sociable it's just k run into these people that cause destructive fhins - please help
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (16 October 2016):
 I'm sorry you still feel this way, OP, but you're lonely because you haven't been taking the advice to volunteer and use your lonely time to help others.Please get therapy and start volunteering. Going back to these friends will only result in another 5 - 10 years wasted and you'll feel this way when you're older.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2016): What you described about your lady-buddies is typical club or pub-life. You get people together with alcohol, there's going to be gossip and mischief no matter where you are.
The difference is, now you see it for what it is; because you're a big girl now. It's not you to be gossipy, crass, or loose. You were following the crowd. You are more tamed now. However; you have to let off steam, but not be a follower. People who are followers allow others to rule them through peer pressure. You should know your own limits, and not place that responsibility on mob-mentality. Be your own woman. Call it a night when you've had your fill.
Don't engage in verbal battery or expose your envy to others. They will use it against you and manipulate you.
I have a group of party-friends. They have lots of money, they are successful, and they know how to party. Like you, I'm mature and much more subdued. They remind me to free the spirit, not to be too stuffy, and to let-her-rip now and then. You have to maintain a balance. So you won't become too judgemental or stuck-up. Or even worse, a hypocrite.
If those days are behind you, pick and choose who you want to hang with. Call a cab or Uber when you want to let loose, and don't go home with strangers.
You can pick your friends and acquaintances. Let everybody know your boundaries. Have enough self-discipline to know your limits; so you're not puking your guts out on the street, or making a public spectacle of yourself. Just because everybody else encourages you to throw all caution and reason to the wind. Assuming you had some alcohol and can use that as your excuse. We have all done that in our younger years, and we grow out of it. If we're smart!
As for gossip, bite your tongue. Everything you discuss will be taken back in the old "he-said/she-said" game of betrayal. I listen, and keep my mouth shut. Then I know better who is the least trustworthy in the group.
Being home alone on Friday night is fine. Sometimes just asking a friend out for dinner, a movie, or a drink is all you need. Go straight home afterwards. Just don't become isolated or grow too fond of cats. The idle-mind is the devil's workshop. Get in a little yoga, gym-time, or meditation. It's good for the soul and the body. Every weekend doesn't have to be a big bash at a club. You should give yourself some entertainment. Just find better folks to share the time with.
Whittle the group down to the people or person you find the nicest and more like yourself. The group you mentioned are also older now, and I don't think they have the spunk they may have had back in the day! They're over 30 now too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2016): 30 is often called the age of assessment.
You turn around and look back at all the things you did that were not particularly good for you and decide to change your life because you know that a time bomb is ticking down.
In the female case it is the biological clock telling them to start thinking about making that family!
If you already have children you are probably already guarding their earthly souls at night,if you are yet to have them you start to realise that you have to make the time to have them.
Leaving it till 40 is not a great maternal option but some ladies are lucky enough to be able to do it.
So many 20 to 30 year olds are busily absorbed in their little ones when they are not working.
Socialising becomes more of a chore and less of a pleasure.
If you are childless and intend to remain so , then you must absorb yourself in things you enjoy with like minded friends.
If your only friends are the sort youd rather meet in hell then avoid them especially if they are aiming to be young alcoholics.
Meeting new friends does happen but there are all sorts of less conventional ways than clubbing that ceases to appeal.
I cant look into my crystal bal because i dropped it but i can tell you that a person who withdraws for a reason is no loser. Quite the opposite! In fact you are strong minded!
As a person i can say that if you feel socially isolated why not put on your glad rags and go clubbing?
Music wont kill you but in all other aspects look after this new you.
Just dont get in too deep if you think that it will fuel a downhill cycle.
Avoid the pitfalls of before and reduce clubbing to one weekend night out of every two weekends.
Join a gymn and go as you can?
Do other things as well and dont let the clubbing over absorb you.
But thats how i see it.Its no magical solution its just a compromise.
Finaly I think you may have earned some spiritual enlightenment or endearment if you care to look at it that way.
The reason is that I knew you deserved an answer and that means i had to try to get it right, but not knowing you personally i can only say that i hope some of what i wrote makes good sense to you.
You have to use your discernment here and you have to acknowledge that only you can bring out the worst in you!
Finally , many people cut friendship groups as a form of natural progression, much like waking up and telling yourself that you will end up an alcoholic if you keep drinking, or dead on the roadside if you keep taking late night lifts with strangers, or you go somewhere and it leaves you cold and you wish you'd never bothered to go there in the first place and in that moment you know that you will never go there again!
That is your own intuition talking to you and you have every right to listen to it and even to discover more about it! If you feel you continually get a wake up call in your head , then that is why.
You are being guided along by past loved ones or given the chance to consider your options.
Whatever the case is you are no looser!
That is negative think and you should avoid it.
If you feel you have a lot of negative influences around you that just goes to show that you have a spiritual positivity because it is what people gravitate to.
So think about how much youve achieved and continue to protect yourself because you have a positive soul for a reason, presumably because you agreed to meet the challenges of this earth in this time!
But I am no expert! I just felt you needed an answer.
Perhaps Xmas will be a joyful time for you!
You could join a church and do carols and eat cake and drink mulled wine if you like that sort of thing.
Or help at a foodbank! You would look like a shining star from that perspective.
It is time for you to see yourself in a new and positive light and allow yourself radiance from within!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (15 October 2016):
 Congratulations! You are growing up and realizing being on your own is not worse than being with the wrong people.
Instead of waiting for people to find you, why not take the bull by the horns and actively PICK the people you want to be friends with? Spot the people who are genuine, who are not shallow, who want to build up their friends rather than break them down. Then make a point of making friends with them and ask them out for a drink/meal.
Good luck. I hope you find the friends you deserve.
And remember, to have a friend you need to BE a friend. Lead by example.
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