A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently found that the girl i am going to marry had sexual relationship with 8-9 people. I asked her before we got engaged about her past relationships but at that time she told me that she was a virgin. But somehow i got the password of her email and i come to know about her past. She agreed that she had sexual relations with multipartners. She said that at that time she was very young and was not able to control her sexual desire so she had sex with those guys. But she said she has changed herself now and she will remain honest to me. she cried a lot. she is very caring, loving and she always tries to give her best to me. I am very confused and not able to forget her past. What should I do. Should I marry her?
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (2 February 2010):
The thing is though, there is obviously a certain expectation or standard you set that made her believe that the only way to keep you is to claim she was a virgin. It sounds like she felt pressured to live up to this ideal. She lied to keep you and now you cannot trust her and that's understandable. It might be a good idea to go for those premarital counseling classes to help you work this thing through. If you can't get past this its better for you to break up with her now, than carry resentment into your marriage and later sleep around as a form of revenge. The fact that you know is punishment enough. You may worry forgiving her is letting her get away with it, but she has probably expressed her regret and moving forward would be the best wedding present you can ever give her. So think it through then make your decision.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love her so much and the thing is I cannot live without her. But the way she cheated me is really impossible to forget for me. Virginity is not important for me,infact i was not virgin befor her but the thing is how can I trust her in future?
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (2 February 2010):
I think pople missed the point. It seemes to me that he's not so hung up on needing his partner to be a virgin, but instead is hung up on the fact that she told him she was when it wasn't so!
Personally, I agree with Evans. I would much rather go into a relationship with a woman I know has had a very rocky past with a lot of guys, but know it from the outset, than to find out that I had been lied to and the person I am with isn't at all who they made themselves out to be!
No, her past is NOT irrelevant. Her past makes her who she is today, and if they are talking about marriage, then her past is something he has a right to know about.
The basic fact is that there is only and exactly one reason to lie. To control someone else by reducing their ability to make their own decisions. To limit their freedom.
If she truly loved him, then she would respect his ability to make his own decisions. She would respect his right to judge for himself the type of person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Lying in general, but ESPECIALLY about her own sexual past flies in the face of that respect. It is exactly and only a way for her to manipulate his thoughts and behaviors into being what she wants them to be.
That is not love.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (2 February 2010):
I think you should delay your marriage to her for a while. If there were any marriage plans put them on hold for now until you iron this out. Starting a marriage with betrayal as your foundation is a recipe for disaster but it can be overcome if you are willing to put in the work.
My question though is were you also a virgin? And why is virginity important to you, is it for religious reasons?
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A
male
reader, Evans  +, writes (2 February 2010):
My bro. You have a serious problem here. My advice to you and anyone else is clear about this. Why should she lie in the first place. LADIES! LADIES! LADIES! When will you start to learn? Tell the truth about your previous life beforehand. When we want to marry, we are looking at one who is trustworthy. It is on this basis among other things that we base our relationships. There has not to be a single glimpse of doubt about my partner. I would cheerfully get married to a lady who would tell me that she was once a prostitute if she can promise that she has and is willing to change for the better. This, I would do than getting married to a lying woman who is manipulating me and putting in a psychological belief of who she is not. Guys, Let's teach ladies the right way of doing things. This issue will never work out no matter how you try to work it out. WHY LIE?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionactually I didn't inquired anything about her past in the beginning. But many times her ex calls her on her cell phone. whenever she talk to them she act lil differently and that different behavior encouraged me to inquire about her. And so I checked her emails. And when I asked her she said that she has no past relationship but when I saw her the proofs she agreed. At that time she said that she had relationship with only 5 guys and then I tried to forget everything but then again one more truth came in picture by her another email account and I come to know that she had relationship with 8-9 people. Then again she said that she is feeling very guilty and sorry about whatever happened in the past. Plz dont leave me etc., Now the situation is I am not able to trust her and I loved her so I am not able to leave her. I dont know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): You snooped.
Does that bother you?
It's the first thing to go wrong in any relationship. It does not matter really whether you will be with her or not... She was obviously right in not letting you know that she had slept with other people since you are judging her. Her past is a problem for you. What if she had told you that she is not a virgin, you'd probably not have wanted to marry her, because of something she did years ago...
As I said it does not mattter where this relationship goes, what matters is your attitude, and your behaviour in relationships. You are at least 26. And you are looking for a 26-year-old virgin. I am not saying that they do not exist but as a precondition virginity is dangerous...
And its not okay to look into someone's email hoping to find stuff on them. Even hiring a detective would be more honourable.
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A
female
reader, junebug81409 +, writes (2 February 2010):
well....this is a hard one.first of all she lied which is not a good thing which will make u not trust her if future.at least she did come out and tell u about it.my husband cheated on me before we got married but he was sorry and we worked things out.some ppl mean it and some ppl just say sorry cuz they got caught.so u need to figure out if u believe her and r willing to trust her.but i feel like u didnt trust her to began with cuz u went thru her email which isnt good.if u guys love each other and want to be together then talk everything out and start to trust each other.it will take time.well.....congrats if u do get married.good luck hon!
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (2 February 2010):
I agree that the lie is the real concern.
Her past is, in many ways, her past. However, I have always believed that a persons past is an integral part of who they are. It is the past that forms us, shapes us, and teaches us. It is through our experiences and the lessons we learned from them that we became the person we are today.
Obviously, somewhere in that past she learned that it is acceptable to lie to her partner in order to manipulate his opinion of her.
This is a very deep rooted lesson. It boils down to a life view of "what he doesn't know can't hurt him".
This is, frankly, the kind of thing that leads to affairs later in life. Were I you, I would take a huge step back, and let her know that your trust in her has been shaken.
Sex is a big deal. There's no way around it. There are three major factors that make it a big deal, no matter how casually we may wish to treat it;
1: Pregnancy. Even condom plus pill is less than 100% effective. Sexual union serves the primary biological function of procreating the species. This is a huge life altering impact that cannot be overlooked. In her 8-9 partners, has she ever had cause to abort a pregancy? I am not making moral judgements on that issue, however, I can tell you from experience that if she has had cause to do so, it will have left a very large impact on her. One that you have been hitherto unaware of, and that is very powerful in its ability to influence her without her even being aware of.
2: emotion. The human animal is hard wired to react emotionally to sexual stimulation. Especially climax with a partner. The entire nervous, neuromuscular, and endocrine systems team up for an immensely powerful dose of emotional BANG when we have sex. No matter how we may try to intellectualize it, there is no escaping the biological fact that sexual union has a powerful impact on and influence over our emotional selves.
3. Disease. With all we know about STI's today, there is no such thing as too careful. Having been with 8-9 partners, when was she last checked for STI's. Some of these things can sit dormant for years before any symptoms arise. Has she placed you at risk without even telling you? Is that the actions of someone who loves you?
Yes, sex is a big deal, and there's no way around it. Lying about sex is therefore a core breach of trust, and not easily repaired.
Her past isn't really what should bother you. If she has learned positive lessons about herself and her sexuality through a series of mistakes that she has no desire to repeat, then, great! However, at least one lesson she has learned is of very great concern, and that is the penchant for dishonesty in dealing with someone she expects to love and trust her.
I certainly would not marry her until she had damn well proven that she can be trusted from here on out.
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A
female
reader, Gridrebel +, writes (2 February 2010):
 More than her past, you should be concerned about the fact that she lied. You should probably take a step back and think more about it. If you can't get over it, then don't marry her. It is terrible for a partner to throw "old" relationships and behavior that happened before they got together in the others face. Also, if you split with her for that reason only, you may be single for a long time, as you may be able to tell just by looking on this site, there aren't that many virgins out there. Also, if you're not a virgin, you shouldn't expect your mate to be one.
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