A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:[Moderator's Note: OP's own title]hi im 15 and live in nz i have never been popular a1l . at school people avoid me and call me names and i really want a bf but no one wants me because im ugly and quiet, at home its not much better my dad is dead and my mum is single and love her to bits i want to know how to get a boyfriend Reply to this Question
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female
reader, shimparoo  +, writes (12 September 2010):
First of all, don't believe what "everyone" says. High school is hard for a lot of people but you just have get through it cause after high school your life will change. If you go to college, there will be more diversity and you will meet people and make friends. People are more accepting and open minded. In high school, everyone judges and fears not fitting into some perfect little character.
Before you even think about getting a boyfriend, you need to learn to love yourself. You must learn your strengths (and see them as strengths, not just things your kind of good at) and weaknesses. I would start leaving positive notes for yourself. Make a list of five things and before you leave in the morning, look in the mirror and tell them to yourself. People will not respect you if you don't respect yourself first. I would start trying to make connections with people. Say hello to the people that you know are not judgemental. It may seem like everyone is, but thats probable just on the surface. There are always some open minded people, you just have to get passed on the cruel people. Once you begin to be more confident and learn to like yourself and start to really believe that you have good qualities, people will be drawn to you.
I myself am very shy. I went through a streak for a quite a while where I had no job and when i did get a job, i didn't feel like I was any good at it and i didn't make any friends. What I realized is that job was making my self esteem plummit. I quit and then just spent some time reflecting on the good things about myself. Now, I have a better job and am trying to be more social with people.
DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS! This is still an area I need to work on but truley when you do, we almost always think other people are better, prettier, bla bla bla. It doesn't get you anywhere but down on yourself. Do your best not to strap those negative boots on.
STAND YOUR GROUND. Have confident in who you are and when people start calling you names, throw it back in their face. Tell them that they are the pathetic ones because their so sad that they have drive other people down to feel good.
When your confidence begins to come to you, I suggest going out, getting a hair cut, buy a few new sets of clothes, throw some make up on (not too much else you'll like desperate and whorish) and stand up and look people in the eye.
You are only 15. At 15, most kids think they know everything there is to know. What I can tell you is that the world is very very big place filled with incredible people with amazing backgrounds. Don't rush yourself to be tied down by a boyfriend. Your young! You don't want to tied down and I recommend to everyone not to have kids until at least mid 20's. LIfe is so very short and when were young, we should be exploring, trying new things, going on adventures, reading books that change us, NOT looking for life companion. You have a good 30 years to find someone and for some of us, we meet people far later in life. Life will surprise you, Let it!
When all these peices come together, when you are confident, you know who you are, you love yourself, then guys will begin to be attracted to you. You don't want to search for a guy when your lonely, sad, and desperate. WHY? Cause guys will sense that and will take advantage of your vulnerability.
So Begin, make list of good qualities, even if you don't completely believe that you have them. Your smart, beautiful, honest, and even quiet. Being quiet means you can observe people which can be quite fun. Leave notes for yourself, and everyday tell yourself these things. Maybe once a week try to connect with someone. Look for people who are like you, maybe quiet but look for good people, honest and kind. Slowly your life will turn around.
Remember, No man defines who you are. You have to stand on your own two feet before someone can stand next to you!
Hope this helps! NOW STAND TALL and DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY.
A
female
reader, DazedConfused  +, writes (6 August 2010):
This is not true.... You can be ugly,esthetically. And you should not listen to those ,who say, no you are beautiful. It would be humiliating and confusing for an unattractive person to think that she is not. But you can still be smart, if you are intelligent enough. Its not good to lie to ourselves. I t is living in a lie. But to be ok with ,who you are,even if you ugly,that is what you need to be doing to find harmony with yourself.
HOLD ON A MINUTE..... WHO IS ANYONE TO DECIDE WHO IS BEAUTIFUL AND WHO IS NOT. I HAVE STATED THAT IM PRETTY. BUT OTHER PEOPLE MAY NOT FIND ME PRETTY.
Thats a ridiculous comment to make. What is ugly to one person maybe not be to another. I truly dont believe there is such a thing as ugly. I do think there are people more attractive than others, but ugly is a f**king harsh word. I do think if you take care of yourself every person has attractive aspects.
whats more important is, the better the person you are the more attractive you are.
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A
male
reader, Seto  +, writes (6 August 2010):
Heloo
1st let you tell you NO one but you can say that your ugly ok
when you were made it was only you and no one else made like you. So you are Beautifull say it wit me
I AM BEAUTIFULL IN VERY WAY.
but i think it's not wize that you look for a boyfriend yet
you need to build up your self image no one can't love you if you don't love your self ok and take it easy if you rush. you only get hurt. ok so join a club to 2 know a few friends you might never know your true love might be your close friend
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A
female
reader, debbie-lou +, writes (5 August 2010):
It is never about looks its always about confidence and self esteem. Every single person has qualities to give another. Be proud of who you are...and Show it and you will excell! x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): Dear DazedConfused
Congratulation for your success in life!
'' I truly believe everyone has there chances in life. I dont believe there is such a thing as ugly. Its how you see yourself. Its a state of mind. If you look in the mirror every morning and u say I hate my hair or i hate my teeth, well damn straight your gonna think your ugly.''
This is not true.... You can be ugly,esthetically. And you should not listen to those ,who say, no you are beautiful. It would be humiliating and confusing for an unattractive person to think that she is not. But you can still be smart, if you are intelligent enough. Its not good to lie to ourselves. I t is living in a lie. But to be ok with ,who you are,even if you ugly,that is what you need to be doing to find harmony with yourself. Take care
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A
female
reader, DazedConfused +, writes (5 August 2010):
It just feels like 5 minutes ago when I was at school and when I was there it felt like it was the most important part of my life.
Like you when I was at school I never though I was pretty I dont think anyone else did either. I wasnt quiet but I couldnt get a boyfriend no one ever asked me out. I also didnt get good grades. All in all I was very unhappy at school and had very low self esteem. I really wanted a boyfriend and thought it was the most important thing in the world.
Now, everyone tells me how pretty I am, I have had really good jobs and I have a huge circle of friends. Im smart, Im confident and I dont have low self esteem. I truly believe everyone has there chances in life. I dont believe there is such a thing as ugly. Its how you see yourself. Its a state of mind. If you look in the mirror every morning and u say I hate my hair or i hate my teeth, well damn straight your gonna think your ugly. For instance my teeth arent perfectly straight but because of this they give my lips a kick ass shape and its pretty. You need to start appreciating the positives because everyone has them.
as for being quiet, well that maybe comes from your lack of confidence. maybe if you learn to love yourself you will see that others can love you to. Its the same as with your looks if your not funny, well your maybe smart, if your not loud and confident your maybe quiet and smartly think before you speak. everyone is different and everyone has there positives and negatives.
I dont think a boyfriend is the most important thing for you. I think learning to love yourself is the most important. Because if you dont love yourself youl never understand why someone else can love you and youl always have doubts.
This is only my opinion!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): You can't be that ugly. I really think, you need to build yourself and stay away from boy thing for now. I agree, that boyfriend doesn't solve your problems, actually, makes it worst. This is a very fake society, with so much input on how you should be confident ,and put yourself first in the whole time. I'm sick of motivational speakers, who are teaching people to fake stuff. It worked, now we live in a fake society, where,everybody pretending to be someone else. Please dont be sad. And do find your strength. Focus on self progression rather than someone gets you in this low state and brings you don even more.
Do you have any friends?
Does your mom can help you to deal with emotions?
Why do you think you are ugly? Are you out of shape? Can you do something to feel better about your self image?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 August 2010):
I've found that the ones who are called 'ugly' are quite often pretty, and others are just jealous. So I don't think you're ugly.
I do think that you're being bullied, and that coupled with the loss of your father has had a huge effect on your esteem. I know a girl much like you, who was very quiet and was bullied and told she was ugly and such. She's not at all. She's one of my best friends and is one of the best women I ever met. She escaped from school, and then came out of her shell a bit and has gone on to meet a decent guy.
I think just now, you need to be focusing on yourself. Having a boyfriend won't prove anything, and it won't make you happy. Instead, it will add further complications to your life. You need to focus on yourself, and slowly build your esteem up by talking to a few more people (out of school if the ones in school are bad). Maybe join a club or something. The thing men like most in a woman is confidence. When you have more, and you just understand yourself more and men more, you'll find the right guy. Spend time on your own life for now. You'll get there.
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A
female
reader, clickhere +, writes (5 August 2010):
 Maybe guys don't talk to you cause you're quiet? Getting a guy isn't always about looks, I know plenty of ugly girls that have cute guys. The difference is their personality, they have one.
So my advice to you is to sell yourself, personality wise! ;)
FYI relationships don't cure everything, wether or not people want to believe so ;)
I know most girls my age are also desperate to have a guy and I don't really see the point untill you're a bit older...
I guess most girls that are in desperate need of guys are trying to compensate for something they're missing, unless they just stumble uppon a guy that's perfect in every way, according to them! :) That's how I plan on meeting a guy at least :p I'm not going to be looking too hard x3 waste of time!
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (5 August 2010):
 Hello Beautifull :) First off...a boyfriend will not help you feel better about yourself, or would be make you love yourself.
If you don't love yourself first, loving someone else becomes hard to do over time.
You said you are ugly...by what standards? Has everyone in the world told you that you are ugly? Some people at school told you that, and that's it? They are right?
I rather be ugly than stupid...like those people at your school.
Boys are just as shy when it comes to talking to girls. You never know, there could be a nice quiet guy, waiting for you to say "Hi".
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