A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I apologize for the length of this. Please bear with me if you can.I was close friends with this guy in high school and he developed feelings for me.At the time, I wasn't able to feel "that way" about him, but screwed up by basically telling him I cared for him deeply, but more like a brother. He took it pretty badly and went into depression and later told me that he had been crazy about me for a long time.Fast forward 2 years later, in which we barely spoke. We finally start talking again, first online and then as we get more comfortable again on the phone, and finally face to face. I start realizing just how much I missed him, and I start developing feelings.He acts like he has feelings too, and at one point let it slip to a friend that he really likes me but feels stupid. I am told this.Then months and months after we started talking again, he calls me up, we talk for ages. And he really wants to talk about something "important". I coax him out of his shyness and then he admits that he cares for me very deeply but that at this particular moment in time, he doesn't have romantic feelings for me. He goes on to say that he doesn't know if that will change in the future, but that he wants to come and tell me if it does. Then he tells me, he's a little confused cause he might have feelings for another girl.Then he asks me if I have feelings for him, because as much as possible he doesn't want to hurt me.In that moment, my mind was racing. Do I tell him? Do I lie?But I heard it in his voice. All he wanted to hear was that I didn't feel that way either, at least at that point, so he doesn't feel guilty about hurting me.So I lied and told him I have "entertained thoughts" but that it wasn't substantial.He let out a sigh of relief and before I know it, he's comparing how similar me and his new crush are. I can't make him stop, because I just told him I didn't like him like that and that I'd be there and support him.I don't know if I did the right thing, lying like that to protect him.I feel rejected. But now, I also feel like I'm part of a movie script I never signed up for. He will always want me in his life, because of how close we are as friends and how much we admire each other. But I don't want to be that girl that waits around for the guy to wake up and realize all of a sudden that he loves her.The timing seems to always be off with us.but anyway, back to the question...Was I right to lie?
View related questions:
crush, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Well u lied to protect his feelings and thats not a bad thing, bc the first time he was pretty hurt and took it to heart. With that being said we cant always tiptoe around ppl's feelings, but i understand it was more like a white lie. However at the same time what about ur feelings? Im wondering what he wouldve said if u said yes. Most likely it would make things complicated for him deciding between u and his crush. The timing is always wrong, lol. Now u dont want to be "that girl" bc in movies it only takes 2 hrs for the guy to get it, in real life who knows how long u'll be waiting...if ur really, really want to be with him, I would continue to be friends and start to date a lil nothing serious just to get him a lil off ur mind and see what else is out there bc ur still young. Then who knows it may end with that girl and he'll need a lil time to grieve (dont want to be that rebound girl) . Im afraid if u sit him down and tell him u lied, ull put him in a predicament of who to choose.
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (5 August 2010):
 It's not about right and wrong, darling. You did what you probably thought was the right thing to do at the time. They're your feelings and the thing with feelings is that they aren't facts - lies and truth become so relative in that context.
I'd have told the truth in that situation, but I've never been in your situation, so what do I know?
If it's not too late, maybe you can try to talk with him again? You deserve closure at the very least and you won't get that if you keep wondering "Would things be different if I had told him."
...............................
|
