A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi! I really need some advice and input from all of you wise people out there! :) I am 19. I've been in two relationships. The first one was at 15 and lasted for 2 months. The second one was at 17 and lasted a month. I dumped both of them. I haven't dated anyone since. I also had an infatuation with one of my teachers from age 17 (while I dated the second boyfriend!) up until age 18. I've had numerous hookups (making out) since my relationships and had drunken sex with two guys. Whenever someone tries to date me, even if I think they are cute or interesting, I will immediately shut off any interest towards them when they start to like me. What is wrong with me?I only hook up now. I just prefer it. No messy emotions and all that crap. I think my parent's divorce messed me up. My parents split up when I was 15. I was dating my first boyfriend. Instead of letting him in and being emotionally vulnerable about how sad I was about their divorce, I just dumped him. My dad is a really good dad. I know he loves me and is always willing to do anything for me (pay for college stuff, help me out with any problems I have, etc) but I don't see him that often. He never initiates having my sister and I over. We always have to call him to go see him. It used to make me feel bad, but now I'm used to it. I think this messed me up. Also just never seeing my parents loving towards each other. I only remember ONE instance when my dad kissed my mom on the cheek when I was a kid. It got so bad for about a year before they divorced--they didn't speak to each other and my mom slept on the couch.In addition to this, I also go on this chat site online and talk to older men. I'm like programmed where I love older men I guess? I started to realize I liked older guys a little bit before I turned 15. I LOVED my teacher (he was 31) and I basically find anyone my age (18-early twenties) repulsive and couldn't imagine dating them. I could only imagine myself dating someone older--late twenties-forties. Do I have "daddy issues" or something?Sorry this was a novel, but I am just really confused about my dating habits. What is wrong with me? Thank you!
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 November 2011):
Hi there. There's nothing wrong with you, it's just that you have been conditioned to NOT trust relationships since your childhood.
Your parents are your role models, as is the usual thing in life. You learn by what you see in your own home, by how your parents are towards each other. Children then start to see that as being normal.
So consequently, because your parents didn't really show much affection to each other, then your mother slept on the couch for a while before they divorced, you are probably wondering if that's how everyone is in a relationship. And understandably so.
So you probably feel you don't want to trust any young guys your age, in case it fails also. You now make the assumption that it just won't last - like your parents' relationship.
In fact, you probably don't have much faith in relationships at all really. And who could blame you!
The truth though, is not all relationships are like that of your parents. It was nothing you did, it's between them.
Perhaps your parents married very young, stayed together for the sake of the children - as long as they could - then over time, realized they didn't have much in common anymore. Believe me, it happens. It's sad for the children undoubtedly, because they tend to blame themselves for the breakup.
The breakup wasn't your fault - it was between your parents. Nothing to do with you at all.
The thing now is to learn to trust men.
The only way to do that, is to not rush into a relationship too quickly after meeting a guy.
Why don't you take the sex right out of the equation for a while, until you can see if you actually like the guy in the first place. Being sexually attracted to them, doesn't automatically mean you like them. You might not even get along with each other.
So what I am really saying here, is to just be friends - and no sex - and get to know them first, and see how they treat you.
Your own parents were probably very much in love in the first place, like most people. Then the children came along and more responsibility and less time for each other.
They might have stopped having fun and going out. It might have been all work and no play.
By this, I mean that all the responsibilities of being married, rent or a mortgage, bills, children and all these things take up a lot of our attention. Quite often, we forget to make time for ourselves to just enjoy life. And that's when problems arise.
We each need to make time for ourselves individually, such as hobbies and interests, seeing friends and family, having fun.
And we also need to have some time together doing some fun stuff - such as picnics, going out for dinner, lots of things.
The crucial thing to consider here is "Balance".
The old work/life balance dilemma, we so often face in life these day.
Sometimes life can feel like all you do is work, and there's nothing else to balance it out with in your free time. There's an emptiness.
We all need something in our lives to look forward to on a regular basis, and these are the activities that give our lives meaning.
We all need something to be interested in. It's what makes us look forward to starting each day. It gives us a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Maybe your parents didn't have much balance in their lives.
It's a common problem, and it's the cause of much unhappiness in the world today.
There's no hurry for you to be in a relationship. There's plenty of time to think about that later. You need to finish your education first, work, and perhaps see a bit of the world. Then in a few years time, decide what you would like to do with your life.
Good luck and best wishes.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 November 2011):
 Yes it sounds like you are looking for love from a father figure as suppose to a romantic incline. You won't let anyone in emotionally because you are absolutely petrified of allowing a guy to hurt you, I guess you saw your mother hurt and you have lost trust for all men. I really think that it would benefit you to go and speak to a therapist about these issues. You need to talk about your feelings, express yourself and open up, they will be able to help you get everything out and open up they will also help you get the pieces of your life back again and teach you how to trust men again and have a healthy love life. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2011): First off you don't LOVE older men. Lets not use that word inappropriately. Crush, lust, infatuation, desire, maybe. Not love.Secondly, older men are replacement Dads so now you want what you don't get from Dad so using sex to attract an older man that would be a replacement Dad but you are allowed to be sexual- thats what is going on.Often children of abandonment and lack of loving, supportive, healthy parenting will rely on sex to get what they think is what they need- some companionship, friendship, love. Its totally messed but definitely a pattern of behaviour that says, GET COUNSELLING.Also a smaller aspect of liking older guys does have to do with maturity and appreciation of you and not necessarily sexual. They may be able to relate to you and as young men age, they want to take better interest in opposite sex and will work on being more emotionally available.I'd say you have a better grasp of what is going on with you. You are self aware you are hurting, confused, and want and need something. That guidance and healing and learning tools to cope will come from Counselling.Hang in there Kiddo!
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A
female
reader, theaboo +, writes (28 November 2011):
 You don't have daddy issues unless you think you do. Most dads suffer from pretty serious "divorce guilt" and just aren't sure what to do with themselves and their relationships afterwards. I don't even think you should feel "hurt" that you had to initiate with your dad to see him- does he usually make plans with people? does he do a lot of get together organzing? probably not. probably, he wants it to be easy for your schedule to see him so he leaves the ball in your court. I'm sorry you had to watch your parents get divorced, that is never easy, but their divorce and bad relationship doesn't have to affect you. it sounds like you don't want to let people in DESPITE having an overwhelming amount of support, so your parents are not to blame. Maybe you're afraid of getting hurt. Maybe you're afraid that a guy won't like the real you once you do let him in.. but neither of those are your dad's/parent's divorces fault. If you have never let anyone in, how do you know you don't like relationships?
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