A
female
age
30-35,
*onfusedfemale92
writes:Okay so here is my problem. Ive been sleeping with my ex boyfriend (we will call him Chad) but chad is kind of still with his Baby mama. I am 19 years old and we havnt dated since I was around 15. When we was in jail we wrote n we decided we would try it again when he got out of jail. There were some rumors going ariund that he was writing this girl he used to sleep with when me n him would break up. Now i know that wasnt true at the time but i stopped talking to him n when he got out he eventually started Dating her. At the time I told myself that it was cause i couldnt trust him, but deep down I knew I became scared because he told me he loved me (it wasnt the first time, but it was the first time i semi beleived it) and it scared me, he hurt me so many times before. But then I got with another guy (his cell mate... lol) Chad and this girl eventually broke up after about a year and he got with another girl who he had a baby with. Me and the guy I started dating broke up after two years, and we have been broken now for about 4 or five months. Althrough chad seemed to really fall for these girls he would still talk to me all the time n even come to me complaining about them when they would fight. Although he had feelings for other girls i still felt his attraction to me and I always had felt that I still meant more to him than those girls. Throughout the two years we were seeing other people I feel like we got closer than we ever had. The day before he found out he was having a baby he told me he didnt think he could ever love his new gf the way he loved me. About three months ago me and chad started sleeping together again (back when we used to date our relationship was about 75% sexual) The first time it happened him n his BM were broke up but they were always on and off since the baby. But we continued to sleep together keeping it a secret from his girlfriend. Last night he texted me wanting to see me and said she wanted him out of the house. I dont think they would still be together if they didnt have a child together... A part of me wonders if I should try things again with him one last time to see if it would work. Afterall when we first dated we were quite a bit more immature and since then we have gotten to know eachother on a deeper level and have matured alot. My fears are though that maybe I only want him because I cant have him right now, and maybe the fact that she dont know turns me on. The ex I had mentioned that I was with for two years cheated on me with at least eight different women. So maybe it makes me feel good to be the other women instead of hearing about the other women. Cause in my situation now I get the benefits of sex, and hes not lieing to me, hes lieng to her.I know its wrong but idk... Another part of me is worried that if he cheated on his BM what would stop him from cheating on me? My girl says she thinks he wouldnt because the only reason hes cheating on her is because hes never been able to resist me. And would take me back in a heatbeat. But yet another part of me is worried that maybe he only wants me sexually now... its not like we have ever hung out since we started sleeping together that we have done anything else but have sex. My girl tho thinks this is because he doesnt want to get hurt because he wants more from me and he think I just want sex.... Gosh this is probably so confusing to read.. Im so confused and another part of me just isnt sure im ready to a relationship yet after everything that happened with my ex, but I cant keep thinking that hes gunna be around forever. I feel like we get one last try but Im just not sure if right now is the right time.. I however do not want to stop sleeping with him.... I just want some input from people outside of the people that already know my situation...
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female
reader, confusedfemale92 +, writes (5 December 2011):
confusedfemale92 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah well I of course knew they were having sex, shes six weeks tho n he was still living with her at the time that happened. They stopped having sex when they broke up recently and he moved out. But your right, its just gunna be to much drama and stress now =[ fuck when I officially realize I really do want him its to effing late... shoulda seen it coming..
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 Yes it's silly - you told us he didn't want her and he was breaking up and on his own. Sounded like he was moving on as a free man. So maybe there was a possibility. Woman is pregnant, that means they have sex, that's not a man moving on at all. And yes, I do think he has nice ways about him, I just think he's a very confused young man, just like you and the other girl.Ah well, now he's a father of one, with another baby on the way.. all very different now.. Don't hang around to see the third baby and the wedding when they decide to do one. All that's in the past now.. you stay, and it'll always be you, her and him, her kids and your kids and then Chad will probably end up leaving you both, because so many women and so many kids is very, very stressful.Game ended - move on with your life, and leave him to the mess that he has created.
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A
female
reader, confusedfemale92 +, writes (5 December 2011):
confusedfemale92 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advise you guys... heres whats going on now. So I decided I was going to hang out with him more to see if its what I really wanted. We spent a lot of time together this past week n things felt really good. And by the way there phone convos were going it didnt seem like he wanted to be back with her. So were laying there watching a movie and Im working up the courage to tell him how I really feel when he gets a call from his ex telling him that she is pregnant again! The first time she was pregnant with his kid I had the decency to back off while she was pregnant even tho he was really coming at me then too. So I was pretty sure I was going to stop seeing him out of decency, and the fact that now its just a lost cause... Although he might not seem like it from what I say he's a good guy and although its pretty apparent he's tired of her and doesnt want another baby with her Im pretty sure hes going to try and do the right thing. And bringing me into his life while he has another girl pregnant.. i really dont see it happening idk... But last night I went to the bar and had a few too many drinks and found myself at his house again at 3 in the am! N to make thigns even more weird his son was there! He actually slept in between us for a while cuz he would not go to sleep! Laying there looking at his child and thinking hes now going to have another one sure broke through my numbness. I actually cried a little bit (without him seeing) and at that moment i closed my eyes and wished I would have just held on to him... I realized too late what I really wanted.. And now it just seems impossible and I know I need to let go but its hard idk.... There discussing there options but im sure they will keep it.. It just sucks cause I really think he was going to be done with her, but now who knows whats gunna happen. I know deep down I need to move on and eventually find someone knew.. I know the longer i hold it off the worse its gunna be in the end... but theres still that dilusional spot in my brain thats telling me we dont have to be doomed... but thats just silly right?
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A
female
reader, synchrohobbit +, writes (29 November 2011):
 Let me just be really simple: no. No, you should not.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2011):
 I think you need to tell him how you have been feeling, it seems to me like he thinks on your part you just want sex. But when feelings get involved it becomes messy and it is no more no strings attached sex. You need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. Explain to him you are scared that it will effect your friendship with him, but you cannot help how you feel. Off course you should not rush in to anything and let him know that. But deep down I think if you truly loved him and wanted him it would bother you deep down that he is with another girl. I know if it was me and it was the guy that I loved well it would kill me inside. You need to talk it out with him. Be honest with him and see what he has to say himself.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 November 2011):
Actually you don't sound like a heartless bitch to me, but it standard to remind people not to cheat. What you sound like is numb, like your dead inside and have no feelings, none of this sounds like fun. But you don't sound like you are crying, you sound like you just don't care. That's the thing I find most worrying about the whole situation.
And yep, I'm a bit blunt, it comes out harsher on paper than I actually mean it too. What I see is a young woman who is in a bad place and isn't sure what she wants.
LOL.. it's good to talk, sounds like you understand a lot about what is going on, your better at giving yourself advice than anybody else. That's a rare talent.
Chad's woman, you told her, and they are having problems anyway, she needs to fix her own problems. It's not really you that is causing that. That's about her and Chad.
"I want to be the one who hurts people, I'm tired of people hurting me. I don't want to fall in love and get hurt, it's nice to be wanted so badly. I want to explore my single life, but I need a FWB (no commitment sex. What happens if I dump him, and regret it, maybe he's Mr Right"
That's what I'm hearing from you, that seems to be were you are.. but we can't tell you what decision to make. But as I said, I'm worried about your change of personality and the numbness. You don't even seem to be passionately in love. Your young, why hold on to the past?
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A
female
reader, confusedfemale92 +, writes (29 November 2011):
confusedfemale92 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell thta's a big part of why im not currently going after him, because your right, im not sure if I want him or what it is I feel for him anymore. If i really wanted him to break up with her for me I'm pretty sure he would if he saw I was serious and wanted more than sex from him. I just dont want to go after him and it be a mistake and i ruin our friendship.To answer your question, yes i can be single, I'm actually quite good at it. Chad and my other ex are the only guys I was ever in a serious relationship with. I've never been one to date a lot of guys. Like I said, that would be the plan if I decided it was worth a try. I wouldnt just up and get with him immedietely after he left her.. I'm still healing myself and i will be sure him and his whatever you want to call her are really done, if i ever do. I just have a feeling that's going to happen soon. If i felt they ever had a chance to make things work i wouldn't bother, but we all know the only reason they still hold on by a thread is their son. Yes, I can pleasure myself all day but its still not the same as a man's touch. And my life is far from being all about causing pain. I've never done something like this, I've never even cheated myself. I have never before intentionally gone out of my way to do something I knew would cause someone that much pain. I realise I've turned into the girl that i always hated.. Maybe a sick part of me would for a change rather be doing the hurting than getting hurt myself. In theory what Im doing is a horrible horrible thing and i know id feel a lot worse if it was anyone else but him like I said i feel guilty for not feeling as much guilt about the situation as i should.The question isnt if he wants to be with me, its if i want to or should try it again with him. At first after reading your comment I was a little offended at how quick you were to judge. After thinking about it I realize that if I were to read this what I just wrote five months ago I probably would have judged my post a lot worse than you did. I know my morals have gotten completely messed up lately... I know I must sound like a heartless bitch but Im usually a really sweet girl. This behavior is typically so out of character for me... I don't know whats happening to me. I guess taking time to sort my head would be a good idea.. But in a way ive been sorting this out for a lot longer than just the past few months we have been sleeping together. He's always made it apparent he never got over me but since he's been out of jail the timing was always off n this is the first time ive truely been single since then. And in the back of my mind I always wondered if id made the wrong decision going after my most recent ex instead of trying to make things work with chad back then. I think instead of cutting off all ties in seeing him.. A part of me wants to sit down with him and tell him we can still hang out but we shouldnt have sex as long as they are still together and see how he reacts to that.. and go from there.. but another part of me is weirdly satisfied with where im at. Im not giving him all of me, I have not given him the power to hurt me and maybe him being emotionally unavailable just ensured me it would remain strictly sex where i couldnt get hurt. And I was okay with that but I realize what im doing to the other girl which is why im trying to decide something. I either need to make up my mind and tell him I want him and try and make things work with us.. or let go and let her have him and give them a small chance for happiness. I know stringing this along isnt nice of me. Im trying to make a decision. But I have to do whats right for me... not whats right for the other girl. Im tired of putting peoples needs before mine I want to do whats right for me.I wish people didnt have to get hurt in the process but thats a part of life. This guy was my first love and I cant help but entertain these thoughts of us trying it again.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 November 2011):
Yep you are confused - CHEATERS ARE IMMORAL PEOPLE, THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT PEOPLE GETTING HURT (morality lesson over)You like sex, good, go and buy a vibrator and use that.You like drama, heartache and noise - Are you bored, find a hobby, go do some charity work, far more healthy.You don't mind Chad has a girlfriend - What kind of love is that. So what happens when he comes to you and you get bored of him. Is your life just about causing pain, hurt and grief.But when you meet, there is always a spark - Sounds niceStop having sex with Chad. Then we can see if it's your pussy or you that he really likes. Let him leave his girlfriend, and if he can stay away from her for 6months then you know he's serious. Otherwise, he'll come to you, go back to her, come to you, go back to her... what a waste of time. You need time to sort out your head.Can't you live without a man, can't you just be single? Give yourself and him a 6month break. No men, no chad, just sit down and watch yourself. Gives you time to clear your head and the confusion will be gone. Use the vibrator for sex and masturbate, you don't NEED a man to give you sex, you can pleasure yourself.
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A
female
reader, confusedfemale92 +, writes (28 November 2011):
confusedfemale92 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd also to answer your other question it really doesnt bother me when he goes home to his girlfriend... it should but it doesnt which really doesnt make any sense to me... maybe i really dont feel as strongly for him anymore.. or maybe its the fact that im not the one hes lying to, its her. Hes honest with me and im ok with it because im okay with not being exclusive right now. I know i sound like a horrible selfish person n i wish i didnt feel this way but I do. But I also dont want to ruin what they have and get with him only to realise i just wanted it because I couldnt have it and it was exciting. Because doing what Im doing with him completely gets my mind off my other ex and I feel like its easier to let go.. if that makes any sense... you can tell im a very confused individual right now!
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A
female
reader, confusedfemale92 +, writes (28 November 2011):
confusedfemale92 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd also I think im the only girl hes ever been with that he never cheated on.. N to answer your question yeah it was the worse feeling in the world when i found out my ex cheated on me like he did but after a while I realized it just helped me see he wasnt the right guy for me and I no longer have hatred towards the girls. And the girl thats with chad, ive told her many times in the past before me n my bf broke up that he was coming at me but she didnt wanna beleive me then, i even told her that when we are together its hard for us not to hookup were like magnets. She even seen a pic of us kissing at a party she just dont wanna beleive whats going on. I really think there relationship is coming to an end real quickly... n im judt not sure if i should give it a try after it happens or not... I just feel like we owe it to ourselves to try one more time.. but we have also become really close friends in the past years n i would hate to ruin that if we did try again n it didnt work cuz it took so long for us to be able to be friends after we broke up years ago. I just dont feel used cause i was kinda using him myself... I just broke up with my bf n im a very sexual person and i feel i need to get it regularly.. N him and my other ex are the only people i feel comfortable having sex with but i dont want to sleep with the other one because the breakup is so recent n i always leave his place feeling sad and stupid for sleeping with him after the way he did me... soo idk thats for your input tho... its very different from what my friends say so its nice to hear from another perspective
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female
reader, confusedfemale92 +, writes (28 November 2011):
confusedfemale92 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see where your coming from, but the truth is i made it clear early on that all I wanted was sex because i had just gotten out of a two year relationship n didnt want to rush into anything. And I know i should feel worse about what im doing to his gf but i just dont, i feel guilty for not feeling guilty if it makes any sense. Ive never done anything like this and for some reason its exciting to me. My friends think he isnt leaving her because he doesnt beleive i would want anything from him but sex cause ive always made it clear that I was okay what we were doing. N i dont want him to leave his gf for me, I want him to leave her because he honestly doesnt want to be with her n i wouldnt get with him until i was sure he wasnt going back to her. They are currently broken up right now. It just feels like we have so much unfinished business. We both always cared about eachother but we were to young and stupid to make it work back then n im just curious if we can make it work some day again.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (28 November 2011):
you sounds very confused about what you want. Answer me this, how did it make you feel to find out your boyfriend had cheated on you with other girls? I bet it didn't feel to good did it? So why are you doing the same to another girl, this is really horrible behaviour, especially from someone who has been on the other end of it. To me it does not sound like he loves you, he is getting his cake and eating it. Do you really think he would be willing to leave his girlfriend for you? This is something you need to talk to him about because to me it sounds like he is using you and you are letting him. You need to have more respect for yourself and for your body. Am sure it cannot feel good that he goes home to another woman at night and not you. If you where the one he wanted he would have fought harder for you in the past. Plus he is so easily cheating on his current girlfriend that even if he did leave her for you do you think you could trust him not to do the same to you? I don't think you could. I honestly think you would be better off without him in your life completely. Move forward and start looking for a decent guy who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You should never be someone's second best. He doesn't love you that is clear, he is using you for sex. If he loved you he would have broken up with his current girlfriend and then show he that he is serious about you, not by sleeping with you but by dating you and showing that he cares. What has he done for you to believe that he loves you? How does he show it. To be honest he has not respect for woman what so ever and it will not be a happy ending.
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