A
female
age
41-50,
*anniepeg
writes:I have a demanding 4 year old boy and a boyfriend of 1 year. We see each other twice a week. Half of the time he calls to say his shift happens to be short that day so he could see me. The other times we call on the weekends and hope we would meet up. The problem is if I plan something I need a babysitter and I need a week ahead of time to know what times he is available. He is not good at planning and could cancel something because he doesn't feel like it, tired, or had to help his mom. So I gave up on the babysitter idea. We would have more intimate time after my son goes to bed. He also likes to sleep in on the weekends and if I suggest something the night before he would be stressed out. I called him this morning. He didn't answer. He noticed I called so he called. I was in the bathroom. I called again and it was busy. Apparently he was talking to his mom or aunt for more than 40 minutes, again. I couldn't wait to get out the door. It's possible we would meet up tonight, but it's getting frustrating. How can I make sure that our dates are well planned and not something whimsical? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (1 February 2010):
 This is more serious than I thought. Sometimes (as I thought) would be understandable, but if he is always tired and in pain why doesn't he see a doctor, have you suggested this? There is a possibility that he isn't very interested in your relationship as you've been told. But otherwise, some people are just natural complainers. This isn't very good for them or the person they are with, as things always seem harder when one constantly complains. And yes, this also can give them a free pass to dodge responsibility but that sounds very manipulative. It depends on how well you know him, obviously not that well. When you do meet is he excited, can you feel you really connect and have a great time? Do the back pains disappear?... Insist that he sees a doctor and make him see how important this is, to put more effort into your dates and planning, for the future of your relationship. I suppose you can't see each other more often due to your schedules, no babysitter etc? - but at least try to profit to the fullest extent of the little time you have. Otherwise you will feel you have half of a relationship and your frustration will grow, and make you more sad than happy, that's when you are at a breaking point, although hopefully this is not the case.
A
female
reader, curious0hot  +, writes (1 February 2010):
 You can try to express all this to him. If he doesn't respect your wishes, that will tell you all you need to know about him.
I can't tell if you want to spend more time with him, or get out and do more things period. If the later is correct, maybe you should try your friends on the weekend rather than him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 February 2010):
janniepeg is verified as being by the original poster of the question My boyfriend's brother died. Now he has to take care of his ailing, depressed mom. But even before that he has a hidden medical problem. He is always complaining about leg pain, back pain, and how tired he is. He is always preoccupied with something. Last year during folklorama he went to every show with me and paid for most tickets and food. He also said sometime he, my son and I would go on a trip together in Banff. Do you think he is trying to evade responsibility by subconsciously developing an illness?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 February 2010):
From another guy's point of view, I have to say that he just doesn't seem that into you other than as a casual partner. A guy who really loves you and cares for you makes a real effort, against all the odds. He just isn't doing that at all. He just comes into your life, then wanders out of it again. I appreciate that it can be difficult to make dates and such wit shift work. But I'm self employed, and I always make dates to see my girlfriend, and I always keep them. Your boyfriend just seems to be far too casual. I think you need to think about what you want.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (31 January 2010):
It seems this is pretty frustrating for you and that it will take more effort than you are showing currently in order to keep this relationship going and growing. I presume he's always lacked a bit at this chapter, not being too organised? I'm sure you have told him before how much you love to spend time together and how you need to be planning your dates ahead of time. Quite frankly, sometimes it can get a bit tiring to always have to plan, just like it can be tiring to not have any rules, or schedule in place. Maybe you just have to try harder to understand each other, tell him for example that you understand that sometimes your arrangements may be a bit difficult to follow, that sometimes it's difficult that you can't be spontaneous, but it's the only way you have to meet more often. The relationship is a year old and you have I suppose become at this point pretty familiar with each other and can expect to have an open talk about how things are going and possibly how to improve the rate of contact and anything else that needs a touch of grace and colour. And any dissatisfaction that raises its head and crops us, has to be talked out. I hope this is just a bad rut and one that you can get out of pretty soon with a lot of communication and feeling dragged out in the open in a positive way. You should not give out the impression you are finding faults, if it is probably just as hard for him. One or twice a week is pretty little time for me but different people have different needs for contact. If you managed to keep your relationship going fine in this manner for a year and you are generally pleased with how it went so far, I think it's normal to have occasional rough times, but find a way to stick together and make it through the bad weather. Maybe some new ideas to refresh your relationship, go on special dates, be spontaneous when you do meet if not about the day and time, and get him to reassure you that it gets hard for him occasionally as it does for you but that he is making an effort, as you are, and that your relationship has that special something to make it and... better each day. It's good to see how others manage with their similar problems while you are working your way around a solution that best fits your case. Hopefully your partner is interested and willing enough to work with you to choose and apply the best one. Sometimes you may get a bit idle, everyone has such moments, but if you can pull yourself up and rediscover why you enjoy doing this and that... it should work out just fine. Best of luck.
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