A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I will try to make my story as brief as possible. But please read and share your views.I have been married for a few years to the man of my own choice and am without kids due to many reasons. My in-laws are very interefering and they have messed my initial years of our otherwise happy life. My husband is a nice person and very caring except for his flare ups for stupid and silly reasons. For eg, he gets mad if we can't go to his favorite restaurant or cannot celebrate his birthday. But he would remain aloof from me all this while even if it is not my mistake. Our physical relationship is not commendable as he is quite overweight and I hate him for not having any physical activity. His condition is to get some machines in our bedroom if I want him to excercise. And I hate our room being stuffed! He is also very unsocial and does not mingle with much people other than his family. I am very forward, bold and witty!I am an educated person from a rich bacground with domestic help and chauffeurs. I acknowledge that I am lazy and temperamental . My laziness has increased recently as my parent fell terminally ill and came to live with us. I had no choice but to take care of them sacrificing my career, baby making and more due to the extremely stressful situations. Whatever sacrifices I make people including my parents and friends only praise my husband and hardly feel I am doing anything more than my DUTY. This irritates me to the core and it angered me a lot when they decided to transfer some property of my share in to my husband's name. I felt hurt and humiliated when my mom started justifying the reasons. But with all this, I am not bad, crooked nor harmful.Meanwhile, our family came across a person (can't say who and how we met him), very generous and helpful. Gradually, I began to be closer to this handsome, young single man whom I found some admirable qualities in. I am a very cheerful and communicative person and people would often remember me once we meet. So I began to have a better rapport with him. My fondness for him increased day by day and I realised that I was having an emotional affair. Never think that we have flirted or had unmentionable conversations. He is a gentleman who offered me to help me with advice or just listen to me when I am sad. I have called him up several times in the last couple of times when I was under tremendous stress. My husband knows that we are good friends and we are in touch but may not be aware that I text him daily. We joke /pull each other's legs, have a light talk or ask for his advice. Our texts were small in the beginning and recently they have become continuous with thirty or so no of conversations. He reassures me that I can contact him anytime and that he likes listening to special people like me. I can't deny that I feel closer to this guy nowadays when my family disowns me emotionally and I need him!I told my husband one day that I was doing this because he was not emotionally there with me. I know that he too was stressed with the dull life we were leading. I also know that the grass is greener on the side and this guy is not the solution to my problems. But there is not much I can ask for at the moment as I am on call at home!All his colleagues are my good acquaintances and I am popular person amidst them! But apparently, they are not aware of our private relationship. Why is that everyday I feel I should not have been married at all? I do not say that I deserve a better husband but may be that he might have had a better wife than me. But this marriage is suffocating me and I am living married more because I am used to it now.It will extremely difficult for me to stay away from a nervous breakdown if I stop contacting him altogether as I do not have any friends around. I spent a lot of time reading and browsing as my other chances of socialising are low.But does that make you think that he is falling for me too?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): hi, i think we have the same situation..but i was able to stop before it got worse...the other guy i was referring to is my college buddy, we were so close up to now..he even courted me even if i am already married but i got him to stop at the right time..i told him that we would just be friends and opted to stop texting/contacting for a while until our feelings subside..we are friends up to now...
save your marriage, you have to look beyond the negatives about your husband. why should we find perfection in our spouses if we ourselves are not perfect?just pray to God, He will surely help you in your ordeal..
life is still beautiful.. strive to be happy..u deserve it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Snowqueen,Thanks for answer. Yes, my family and my husband has to provide more emotional support as I am very young and inexperienced in life. The amount of stress I am dealing with at the moment requires it. About the other guy falling for me, I have always been confused. It was difficult to believe that there are gentlemen around who saw women beyond their bodies. Secretly, I wished he told me he loved me even when I knew that it was not going to happen.But he confided in me that he was entering in to a relationship. Though I felt bad when I heard that I realised that I was a close friend of his that he felt like mentioning it to me. So he likes me after all if not in that romantic way. And I also realised that I was not depressed hearing that but rather happy that even very few of his co workers knew about it. And now I am sure he is a friend and that most likely he will continue to be so. And that is all that I need of him. And I would never know what made him so caring, understanding and patient with me when I was nothing before him.About my feelings, they are still the same. It is because I really admire him for the qualities I have known of him, and am very fond of him. I would definitely envy his girl and I can't but wish everything happy to happen in his life considering his kind heart and beautiful soul. You can't all the nice men you meet in this world, can you? LOL."It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". God bless him and his family! *sigh*
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A
female
reader, snowqueen  +, writes (27 February 2011):
It sounds like there's a lot about your marriage that is holding you back from being the person you want to be. It's totally understandable that you are drawn to this guy. It's so annoying being stuck in life because of the pressing circumstances and not even have emotional support from your husband! You need to socialize, share and allow yourself room to breathe, otherwise being isolated and constantly in this dull environment is depressing. This guy listens and jokes with you, attention from this young man must be so uplifting! It's not so good for the marriage at this time, but the marriage is not so good for you at this time, so this adds up to you being vulnerable. When a person is cheating emotionally or otherwise ( ahem, I know ) the affair brings the uplifting effect, but it also brings out not so uplifting thoughts about what is missing in a married life, the "what if's", the "what could have's". And the roller coaster ride begins, the head starts spinning, can't think clearly, emotions get all over the place LOL bad decisions are made in this state of mind. All I'm saying here is try to patch up holes in your life on your own, you gotta find a hobby, socialize and so on. You are young and intelligent and a person like you needs to be stimulated and challenged. You can't be the bird in the cage wasting your potential. Notice how much of it is about you, and not about this guy at all. Is he falling for you? I'm sure he is. Bet you're smiling. But you can't make him the sole provider of your emotional fulfilment. He is not the only one who can understand you, and uplift you. You need to find other ways and other friends. You sacrificed so much of yourself for your family, and at this time your investment is not paying off. They don't even acknowledge that and seem to favor your husband. Not fair! You need to communicate how you feel and let your husband know. He needs to show you that he appreciates you. You gotta patch up those holes. You can't bottle up all your feelings inside, grow resentment and drift away. Resolve as much as you can on your own, so you're not just trying to run away from your problems into another man's arms. These feelings for another man are your desperate need for some attention and stimulation. If he makes you laugh and uplifts your spirit then have fun because you need it, just don't think that an affair will make you feel less trapped. It will make you feel trapped on a roller coaster, making you sick. Consider yourself warned. Yes, he's into you. I'm no help here am I ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCaringGuy
Thanks for your answer.
First of all the title of the question given by the moderator is wrong and misleading. In my post, I have specially asked the agony aunts to share their views and never asked if "he" was the answer to my problem. I know that he is NOT.
Secondly, he does not know anything about my family asset or about his married life. He can only guess that I might be from a well off family but then he was nice with me even before he knew that much. And finance is never a question here and it does not solve my problems. And ultimately none of my assets were left for my husband.
I can't think he is using me but nor can I see why he would be so helpful too.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 February 2011):
I would be extremely concerned if I were you.
You are a married woman, who is from a rich background. And suddenly there is a young single guy who has literally swept you off your feet, acted all gentlemanly and such. My thought? He's playing you like a deck of cards, and because you are in a bad place, you are falling for it. There are a lot of single women out there, but he has specifically targeted you, precisely because you are an easy target. You're not happy, you're under stress, you're feeling undervalued and your marriage is suffering. You are the prime target for any man wanting to get his hands on cash and have a good time.
This man is not the answer, and I don't think for one second that he's falling for you. I think he's targeted you to use at his pleasure.
You are now at a point where you need to start making some decisions for yourself. Your marriage is falling apart because neither you or your husband are working at it. Instead, you're having an emotional affair, whilst your husband is ducking his head into the sand. What has made this worse, is that your in laws have been a nightmare, and now your parents have moved on. No wonder your life is slipping away.
Fact is, your parents are well off, so they need to be getting some help for themselves so you and your husband can sort this mess out. Forget this other guy, he's the worst of everyone on your list. Instead, focus on your marriage and make some serious decisions, because at the rate you're going, you'll end up having a physical affair in which case you'll wind up divorced and fleeced by your husband (assets are in his name now), fleeced by your parents (they maybe won't trust you with their care or your inheritance) and fleeced by this guy (he's out to use you).
You need to forget this other guy, persuade your parents to pay for some help and sort out your marriage. If you don't, you'll lose everything.
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