A
female
age
41-50,
*upid lover
writes:Hi. I have been seeing a man for 3 months. The very first night that we met, he told me that he was leaving for overseas in March for 7 months and that he wasn't looking for a relationship. I wasn't looking either at the time. We have so much in common and love each other's company so we decided to be friends but we were and still are madly attracted to each other. We have been having sex. We have tried going back to being just friends about 7 times now! He invited me his family lunch on xmas day and he invited me to New Years Eve, camping with his friends and his cousin. We have spent a lot of time together over the past 3 months and I am definately falling in love with him.Two weeks ago it was his birthday. That was the last time that we had sex because a couple of days afterwards, we decided that we should go back to being friends (again!). Last week we had a deep discussion because the time for him to leave is coming up soon. I was upset because he is leaving and asked him what he really felt. He said that he has been a mess because of this situation over the last few weeks and that he is not sure if he is making the right decision in going or not. It is a trip that he has been planning for years so he feels like it is something that he should follow through with so he is going, which I understand. He has said that he isn't going overseas to meet women and that he is going there for treks, photography, work etc with a friend of his who has a girlfriend back here too. He really is an amazing person but I don' deal with these situations very well. He believes that the possibility of us becoming an item when he gets back is high. He hasn't said that he loves me but even if he did love me, I doubt that he would say so anyway because he is leaving. The timing is terrible! I think that he does love me. So, the main reason I am writing this email is because last night we had sex......again. I am feeling really down about it. I really feel like because he is leaving and he has made no promises to me that having sex was a big mistake. It's just going to make it so much harder when he leaves! I don't want to feel like I am being "left". What do I do to have some control? He leaves in 3 weeks. Obviously I need to stop sleeping with him but even if I do that, I know I am going to be a mess afterwards. I don't want to dump a big ultimatum on him now or press anything heavy because that would ruin the last 3 weeks that we have together.... What to do? Help please? Do you think that I should stop sleeping with him? Any other advice?
View related questions:
cousin, has a girlfriend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (27 February 2011):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo I stop sleeping with him for now?
A
female
reader, cupid lover +, writes (27 February 2011):
cupid lover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Abella,
Thank you so much for that reply. Really helpful. I know that you are right and a friend said exactly the same thing to me on the phone last night. I just need to keep really busy. I work full time and am studying so I'm sure things will be ok and I will be pre-occupied. I woke up this morning feeling so down, though. Hopefully, that will pass soon after he leaves!
Thanks again
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 No matter how many days, hours, minutes until he leaves you will miss him very much. You are already involved. And the sexual bond is already very strong. So it may be too artificial to try to stop though maybe you could try to taper it off. And maybe have a dinner that is full of happiness, not tears and sadness.
Let him remember you for your loveliness not how miserable you look.
Trust that this adventure is very important for him. Be happy for him. Not clingy. He needs to get this adventure out of his system.
But i do think that emotionally he is already thinking about you and his connection emotionally to you is strong. I think he will miss you.
This is no different to someone in the Armed Forces being posted overseas for a period of time.
Do not bombard him with messages while he is away. Let him know that you will welcome all updates from him but you will respect that his travels will be his priority. And you will reply. But will allow him to set the pace of communication. This allows him to do the pursuing and shows you how interested he is in communicating with you.
While he is away keep very busy. Get on and achieve some things while he is away. Like what?
1. See if you can not break his heart by pursuing ither guys as that could complicate what may be a great romance.
2. Hit the gym regularly and improve your fitness
3. Attend a class to learn a new language
4. Start a journal for the duration of his absence. Write in it anything you would say to him if he was there, instead of away and write of your feelings for him and what he means to you
5.revamp your wardrobe. See where you have too much of some things that match nothing. And where an occasional item could improve the wardrobe. Give everything wearable and left over to charity.
6. Find out if there is a community group in your area doing good things and desperate for volunteers. Then volunteer.
7. Read some books you have been meaning to read for a long time.
8. Join a public speaking group - women only and learn meeting procedure there too as it will be good for the future as a skill
9. Examine what skills you have and what skills you want to develop - find out what else you could study or what classes you could attend to learn more.
10. Meet a long term group of girl friends once a month for a celebration lunch to update each other on what you are doing in your lives.
The time will fly past. And when he returns you will know if the romance is still alive or not.
Best wishes, Abella
...............................
|
