A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am struggling to cope with the end of a 9 year relationship, and need some advice on how to get through it all as my now ex-bf has cut all contact, leaving me with many unanswered questions and no closure at all. We were together 9 years, lived together for 6 years, split 18m ago after I found he was 'messing around' with a female work colleague, then got back together for the last year (which he chose, telling me he couldn't imagine his life without me in it, that he wanted us to get married and have children some day). So then 4 months ago, I discovered he is again messing around with 2 other women behind my back. I confront him, he breaks down, begs me not to leave. Then, 1 week later, he says he doesn't want a gf after all and that he wants us to split again and to just be 'best friends'. No contact since. I feel like he used me for the last 12 months, and am so confused, 'cos we worked through our problems, and things were better than ever (in every aspect of our relationship) - he said this was the case, and said he wanted us to get married (something I have never mentioned). I don't understand how you go from loving/caring about someone so much to nothing at all so quickly and so completely. He is the one and only love of my life. I have never betrayed his trust, have always tried to support him, and don't understand what I have done wrong. He will not speak to me, so how can I ever learn from what happened and try to move on? I don't want to get back together with him (despite me loving him as much as I do, I have begun to realise that it can't work if he doesn't love me back) but I feel I deserve some kind of explanation... has anyone else been through something similar? How did you get through? How did you deal with the lack of answers?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): I am so sorry for your hurt..your heartbreak just jumps off the page here. Nine years is a long term committment, but sadly, everyday, people break up and, that is a harsh fact of life. Like you, many of wounded, pained partners want the closure. Listen, when a heartbroken person wants closure..it's something they emotionally 'need' to cope. That's because when we love someone, it's hard to step back and think sensibly, without that surge of raw emotion. You are still very emotionally attached and you want him to feel your pain. Don't prolong this. You need to be really strong and accept that the 'closure' you want, may never happen. Insisting on closure will not make him come back-it could repel him even further. So...buck up, show your pride, your self-dignity and just leave him alone, he cheated on you numerous times and when he did that..he was able to 'close' his heart to you. You really didn't deserve that, did you. And no matter what he says to you, no matter how he answers your questions, this relationship is over..he's moved on and is done that chapter of his life. For him to have done that so easily, I have to say, he's not been on the same page as you for a long time, prior to finally ending all this. So now, it's crucial, you try to let go and move forward. Give yourself the gift of time to heal and get stronger from this. Feelings change and he has taken a different path. So you need to embrace the loss, and learn for this. Take care hun and please..do all you can to distract yourself from this heartache. Surround yourself with friends and family, who love you and are trustworthy. You need that most right now, to regain your self-love and confidence back..something that he took from you when he cheated on you and treated you this badly. Try hard..and I wish you the best xx.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): [original poster] thanks for the advice. I still don't understand how you can become cut dead by someone so easily after 9 years...what's that all about??
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male
reader, manaja  +, writes (18 November 2009):
Forget about closure , as nasty as this may sound , he doesnt owe you an explanation for anything no matter how frustrating it may be for you, true "closure " comes with time, .You've done all you can , try and forget about him , go out and enjoy yourself, never mind people who tell you to let him see how good a time your having without him , you do it for you, he'l come back again , but tell him where to go !
Use this time that he's not having any contact with you to move on , because he's actually doing you a big favour...take care and forget about this "closure" rubbish people keep talking about, just stay away from him !
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reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (18 November 2009):
No, don't write him a letter. You can write one, but not one for him to ever see. Like I said, no contact. Don't write him any letters, emails, or leave voicemails...no communication whatsoever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): [original poster] Thank you so much for your replies...I was going crazy, feeling like a complete loser, but I feel a little stronger now. I keep thinking about writing him a letter to get everything off my chest, but maybe it would be best not to post it?Thank you again. x
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (17 November 2009):
 you deserved a lot of things, including him not betraying you, but unfortunately he just can't provide you with that - not with fidelity, and not with answers. he doesn't have answers. i think he has just taken the cowardly way out, which is really horrible, but you must let him go. here are your answers:
- he thought he loved you, but he kept wanting other people, so then he started to think (or someone suggested to him) that he didn't love you enough, because if he did, he wouldn't want other people ... so he decided to ditch you and see what life is like without you.
You don't need him to tell you that. I think the 'answers' you want are 'do you love me?' 'yes, i do - sorry - i'm coming back', or some such. i'm so sorry - i totally understand why you feel like this, and he has behaved very badly, especially at the end, but i'm afraid the reality is that he has gone. if he really loved you, he wouldn't put you through this. so the only thing for you to do is to answer your own questions, and get on with your life. you sound like a lovely person and as caring guy said, there will be a decent loving person out there who will love you and want you and nobody else. have faith. it will happen.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (17 November 2009):
"He is the one and only love of my life. I have never betrayed his trust, have always tried to support him, and don't understand what I have done wrong."
I'm quoting what you said because what you said is part of your answer. First, he is not the one and only love of your life, you should be his; however, since he's a lying, cheating, a-hole, he doesn't even deserve to have you love him anymore! Second, you were a good girlfriend to him (from what you said) and you have done nothing wrong. Sometimes people have something good or even the best that they will ever have in their life but they take it for granted because it's there and they are too ignorant and selfish to even regard how special the thing that they have that has been there with them all along is.
So no contact is good. This is going to take time to get over him, you two were together for a very long time. But as much as it kills you, no contact is the way to go, it's the ONLY way to get over someone. Get rid of all the things that remind you of him (gifts, pictures, etc). Some say that if you're not quite ready to actually throw them away, just put them in a box and hide it somewhere so you won't have to see any of it. What has also helped me before is to write down how sad, angry, or upset I was at the other person...just all of my feelings and it helps for sure especially at a moment when you're feeling down. And of course, it's also time to get out and pick up some new hobbies, workout, take a class or whatever it is that you like to do. With time you will feel better. Some days you will feel great and then others you'll simply hate your life. Then the day will come when you will consistently not care about him anymore and just be content with yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): The bottom line is that you sound like a lovely woman, who this man clearly doesn't deserve. I am friends with a woman who gave twelve years to a man, and even had his child. She did everything for him, but when he decided to tell her he was leaving her after cheating on her throughout most of their relationship and after deciding that he'wasn't ready to be a dad' [even though the woman he was leaving her for had children] she was distraught. I watched her fall to pieces, but eventually she picked them up and carried on. When he saw that she was getting along fine without him, he decided that he wanted back into her life and she let him move back in. She tried to act like everything was normal, but then after much thinking, she decided that he had done wrong, and quite rightly did not deserve her. It's nice watching her look for her own house knowing that she has come through this as a strong and independent woman. The truth is, that a leapord doesn't change it's spots. I understand that this is hard for you, but I believe that it is best to move on. You say you need answers? Were you close to any of his family and friends who can give you more information? If not, I'd let the idiot go. Again he clearly doesn't deserve you. I'm not saying that it is going to be easy, infact it's going to be really hard, but with the help of your friends and family, you will be able to get through it. Good luck xxxx
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 November 2009):
The answer is simply he is not the guy for you at all. It sounds like he had major commitment issues that prevented him from actually being with you, or that he hadn't matured enough to be a suitable husband to you. If he cheated once, then came back, then cheated with two other women, then you know you can do better than him.
You have to stop worrying about answers. You're not going to get any, no matter what you try. He isn't the one for you, and that's the reason it didn't work. Focus on yourself instead, spoil yourself a bit and make sure you're mixing with other people and keeping busy. The right guy is out there.
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