A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here is my story. I am in the process of separating from my husband. The separation is in the beginning stages. We are going forward with it but are in the process of selling our home. Hubby works in another city and is rarely home which makes it easier. He is abusive and does not call about his two children. He has been violent in the past. He had an affair which he admitted to me. I know the decision is the right one. There is a male friend of mine in the picture. He has told me he cares about me but is not willing to get involved with a married woman who is just in the beginning stages of separating. I care about him deeply and want to be with him once I am ready to move on. But he has started dating another person. And this has hurt me incredibly. I thought that he would wait for me if he really cared. Is this selfish of me? I can't just snap my fingers and magically have a clean slate as much as I want this. I have been emotionally distant from my husband for years so I have been ready to move on for a long time.Why is my friend doing this? I am so torn up. How can I deal with this? I thought that if a man cared for a woman, really cared, he would be friends with her and wait. Why does he need to date someone else? My biggest fear is that he will fall for her and I will be left behind. Is it possible it's just casual so that he gets his needs met? Don't guys do that?Does this mean he does not care for me enough to wait for me? This is the biggest question I have.And please could you give me advice on what to do next and how to handle him now? Should I cut contact with him? What should I do? Thank you for your help.
View related questions:
affair, married woman, move on, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, canam +, writes (1 December 2012):
While I can appreiciate most of the comments on this thread, I don't entirely understand some of the veiwpoints.
Wait? for what? Something that may or may not happen? That is not fair!
As for a friend while you were married, that is not right.
Another man waiting in the wings? Ugh!Honesty is the best policy, ever heard of that?
I went through a ton of crap while my wife at the time lied and cheated, we went to counselling and all. My main problem at that time was I didn't have all the facts about my peice of crap spouse. Had I known all the facts I would divorced my abusive, cheater as quick as possible, but unfortunatly I had to through the hurtful route.
I've been divorced for 3 years now, really like my freedom and I have a good friend with benifits.I'm not attracked to her and she knows that. Last thing I want to do is hurt someone. Being alone after my failed marriage was something that I felt was absolutely needed. Sure being hurt and alone is tough, but it was a nessacary step.
I also know an old friend who is going through a separation, she knows I don't want any part in the collapse of her 32 year marriage and she has told me not to wait. I can really respect that.If i wind up with her thats great, because I really feel something for her, but right now I have no business or right to anything with her.
Do you really need a sugar coated safety net in order to feel secure with yourself?
Be honest with everyone including yourself, be realistic, or you'll never be truely happy.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): If the guy was not willing to wait according to the last comment, then he did not care enough. That is it. Plain and simple. When we guys want a woman, we will move heaven and earth for her. No excuses. Even if it means gambling on her.If he was doubtful of his lady friend's intentions, what would stop him from talking to her honestly and openly about his doubts and asking her to make a concrete decision and give her a reasonable amount of time to make that decision in which time he would wait for her.If she did not follow through, he could then start dating whomever he chooses. But to start dating without informing her of his intentions while they had this friendship going is very low of him and dishonest. I am sure he was leading her on in some way, too. Women don't get these ideas on their own. I think the OP is well within her rights to ask him to wait if they had this friendship with each other and feelings were involved. It would still be up to the guy to make that decision. But I don't think it is wrong at all if she asked him to wait.I agree with the male poster who says everyone is too cynical. Many people do separate from their spouses and go on to get divorced. No reason to mistrust all of them. If you are a strong enough person to deal with it and care deeply enough for another person, you will wait and it will be worth it if you have found the right one.I think the guy just moved on too prematurely. I also think he could be throwing away a good woman whom maybe he was meant to be with. Who is to say this other one is going to even work out? Why? Because she was available? You just never know. Because of his own issues of mistrust, he might be losing out on a special person.. you. You haven't done anything wrong OP. You are separating and taking the steps to do so. The process does take time despite your intentions. I am sure you are an honest person. It all revolves around this guy's issues of insecurity and mistrust. It has nothing to do with you.But clearly he isn't looking to get serious or take a chance. Sorry OP but he did not ever care enough about you to move forward. He's still playing the field. I guarantee that. Consider yourself lucky that he did not tell you what you wanted to hear to get you into the sack. He seems to have somewhat of a conscience. It's best you move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): I agree somewhat with that last male anon poster who waited for his now-wife while she was divorcing her first husband. Like he says, we all take gambles in life. Some people will wait no matter how long if they feel the other person is the right one and there is a lot of trust in that person to follow through on their promises.but I want to point out one big difference. That poster made his choice to take a gamble on his lady friend and trust she will in fact leave her husband for real.But I don't think it would have been right for the lady friend to want or expect him to wait for her if he himself was not willing or was doubtful of her intentions.We all take gambles for ourselves and it's our own choice so it's our own responsibility whether we end up happy or heartbroken, but I don't think it's right to ask or expect others to take that gamble on us.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): I am going to have a different opinion on this than the majority of the posters here.My wife and I met when she was separating from her abusive husband. I was her best friend during this time. I helped her through it all. We were good friends for a long time before anything happened. We were not cheating together. We have now been married for 10 years. I waited for her because I knew in my heart that she was THE ONE. I loved and cared for her so much that I was not interested in other people just because they were single and available. My heart belonged to her and her only. We all take gambles in life. It just depends on how important someone is to you. If they are that important, we will do all that we can to make something happen.I believe a man will wait for a woman if he cares for her enough no matter what the circumstances. He will not let her go even in the most difficult situation. If he starts to date around, it's just an excuse. He does not love her. When you love someone, your heart knows no boundaries and it listens to no excuses. This is my experience.I find everyone's opinions here very cynical and negative. There is no one size fits all answer. You have to assess how strong your feelings are for the separated person and how strong their feelings are for you and see how far you are willing to go for each other. If you care enough, you will have to trust the person and take a leap of faith that they will leave their marriage and resolve their issues.One poster said there needs to be communication. Yes, I agree. Both parties have to be totally honest about how they feel about each other and where the relationship is going. You should at least give her a chance to exit her relationship and get divorced and tell her this is what you expect of her to demonstrate that she is serious. If she does not or cannot, then you can move on. But there needs to be communication about expectations.There is no timetable on being ready. Some people are ready right away and others aren't. There are no rules. I think if he had real feelings for you, he would wait. There would be noone else. You would be worth taking a chance on. Maybe I am an old romantic but I do see another point of view here.
...............................
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (26 April 2012):
OP, I think it is unreasonable to ask someone to wait. For example, my recent ex-girlfriend and I had a breakup about a month ago. After a cooling off period we reconnected. She told me she wanted me in her life as a friend, but that she wasn't capable of a committed relationship right now. She was basically asking me to stick around and wait for her to get over some emotional issues which were the cause of the break-up. I told her I could not do that, and suggested we both move on. I'm ready for and actively seeking a relationship, why should I sacrifice valuable time hoping someone (her) is ready for the same thing in the future? I saw her request as being very selfish. She only cared about her needs and what she wanted, with no consideration for my desires.If it hurts that he's dating then perhaps it is best you cut contact with him. You can't reasonably expect him to hold out until you're available.My final bit of advice: Having been through a failed marriage and a divorce, I feel you need to live as a single woman for a while and rediscover yourself. Do the things you want to do and have fun! When your marriage is completely behind you and all of the emotional baggage has been dealt with, then and only then should you consider dating. My divorce took about 5 months, and I spend another 6 months on my own. So I didn't go on my first date until almost a year had gone by. I think that was the absolute right thing to do.Oh, I emotionally checked out on my marriage several years before the actual end, too. I caught my ex-wife cheating and it was never the same after that. There was a lot of fighting and other dysfunction. Believe me, you'll be a different person six months or a year from now. You'll see that there are many, many guys to choose from, and this one particular friend is just one of them. Statistically speaking, it probably wouldn't work out with him anyway. You do want to make a more sound choice this time, right? No need to rush it.Best of luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, lampshade69  +, writes (26 April 2012):
I think he cares but I also think that maybe the thought of you and your kids has left him a little overwhelmed. Did he say he wanted you and your children after your marriage is ended? It's a big ask to expect him to enter a full time relationship with you at this stage. Did he say he would wait for you? Are you leaving simply to be with him and not for your own reasons? there appears to have been a break down in communication somewhere. Have you told him you thought he would wait for you? There are lots of unanswered questions that must be addressed sooner rather than later. I'd cool it/break contact with this chap then I would concentrate on myself and my children. I also think you should make sure you are leaving on your own steam and not because you think you and this chap are going to live happy ever after. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (26 April 2012):
Did you give him a timeframe of when you'll be divorced? Its not fair to him to expect him to wait indefinitely since his criteria is he will only get involved with single women. Which is a wise decision on his part.
If you want him to wait for you, you have to give him a timeframe of how long he has to wait, and it has to be reasonable. It has to be concrete as in 1 year etc. Not vague as in "when the house gets sold" because that could never happen depending on a variety of factors.
You're asking a lot of him to wait for you when it doesn't look promising. You said you were getting separated but you didn't mention divorce. Are you intending to get divorced? If not then you don't meet your friend's criteria for a dating partner so all the more he should not be waiting for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): You're not getting divorced, just separated? Then I am sorry but you will have a hard time convincing any single man interested in a committed relationship and looking to settle down and build a future that you are relationship material rather than just looking for a fling or affair. If you want to develop serious relationship with someone new then get out of your marriage first. That means divorce. Separation is just a limbo state where you're neither here nor there. Its what people do when they are undecided about staying together or divorcing. Or when they intend to stay married but don't want to be around each other.
Put yourself in his shoes. He has 2 potential relationship partners in front of him. One is single and available to do anything. The other is married and only half assed about leaving her husband despite her talk about what a terrible marriage it is. So his choices are: turn down the single woman to wait and see if the married one ever does become single and if she doesn't then he has wasted his time and lost an opportunity with the single woman. Or, give up the married woman and date the single one and if it works out then great and if not then after the breakup he can always see if the married woman is now available
He is doing what's reasonable. He has no way to know that you're not going to become an illicit affair until you're no longer married to your hb. Trust has to be earned. You haven't yet proven that you are relationship material since you're still married. Why should he put his life on hold for someone who is not available?
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (26 April 2012):
 Pinktopaz is right - I'm sure he likes you, but why wait around for someone who is not a sure thing? He will probably be thinking all sorts, like maybe you wont go through with the divorce, maybe there will be complications and the divorce takes years, maybe you have too much baggage (violent ex, children etc).
Just because he 'cares' about you does not mean he is a guaranteed boyfriend, he might care about you as a friend but have no romantic feelings towards you. Clearly he has met another woman who he really likes - why wouldnt he date her? He is a single man, with a female friend (you) who he cares about but she is going through a lot and is unavailable.
At the end of the day he is single and you are not - he cant put his life on hold for an unknown period of time just on the chance you might be with him oneday. If he meets someone he really clicks with, he is not going to pass up on the chance to date her otherwise he might miss a great opportunity.
The problem here is that you are looking to replace your husband with a new, serious relationship immediately. Whereas this man is clearly single, he might have been single for a while so he is looking to date, have fun and see where it goes. Presumably if he is a similar age to you then he doesnt want to be single for much longer, men in their late 30's/ealy 40's generally want to settle down with the right woman. Why would he risk waiting potentially years for you to get divorced when he has met a great, available woman now?
I think the best thing to do now is not to contact this friend for a while, leave him alone and see what happens. If he does fall for this woman well as his friend you should be happy that he has found someone who makes him very happy.
As for you, focus on getting through the divorce, and make your children the priority rather than thinking about jumping into a new relationship. The kids will be struggling with the divorce, regardless of how old they are no child wants to see mum and dad splitting up. And the last thing they want is to see mum getting into a new relationship right away, they would think you were the one having the affair and you are trying to replace their father with a new man.
Divorces are messy and the last thing you need is to be worrying about a new relationship, it is only going to complicate your life further. Be single for a while, focus on the kids and get them settled into their new life. Once the divorce is finalised, the kids are settled and you feel happy being alone again - then you can think about new relationships.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): Hi. If you were ONLY friends up until now and he said he is not interested in anything more because you are still married. That is one thing. If he wants to go out and date that is entirely understandable as you are only a friend and it might take quite a while for you to finish separating and divorcing your husband. I am sure he could still be your friend and offer support while you make the transition...he just doesnt want to date during that time. I can understand that...having dated a guy going through the same sort of thing with an abusive ex wife. It wasnt pretty! So you might have to accept he has a right to date others if he wishes and try to understand his point of view. If he is still being friends with you, then nothing has changed from his perspective.
However. If he was leading you on with talk of love, having sex with you and suddenly decided he didnt want to get involved once you mentioned separating from your husband. Then he is a time waster who`s only been around for one thing! If that is the case, ending contact with him would be doing yourself a favor because he is a player and not a true friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (26 April 2012):
Well, you're not divorcing. So to some people separating (legal separation or not) is still being married to some people.
Sure, he may like you and think you're great. But why wait around for something that you don't know is even a sure thing? Plus, he may feel you have a lot of baggage and doesn't want to get involved, especially when you're newly separated.
Honestly, do you really think it's a good idea to jump into a new relationship when you're just barely getting out of a marriage? I sure don't think so! You need time to deal and heal. Until you're a perfectly complete and happy person on your own, I would suggest you stay single. If your friend happens to be available at the right time when you're no longer married, then try giving it a shot then.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): It's unfair to expect your friend to wait around for you since you're not divorced. You're only in the beginning stages of a separation which is not a divorce. To someone on the outside of the marriage it doesn't look like you're going to be legally single and free of commitment for a long long time to come. For all he knows, you could decide to reconcile with your husband at some point. You can't fault your friend for not waiting if there's someone else who came along in his life that he likes and who IS already divorced/single and fully ready.
He is right to not be willing to get involved with a married woman who's only in the beginning stages of separation. He cannot know that you're really intending to be divorced and single, until you actually are. Until the divorce is over and done with, as far as he's concerned you still are married and thus unavailable and shouldn't even be having this conversation with him.
It's sort of like if you just started college and still have four more years ahead of you before you get your degree (and whether you will finish that degree is also an unknown because you only just started) and yet you want a future employer to keep their job vacancy open for you indefinitely and not hire someone who has already got their degree and able to start work immediately.
You should proceed with your separation and get divorced. AFTER you are divorced, look your friend up and see if he's still single. Just because he's dating someone now doesn't mean they will get married.
If you really want your friend to wait for you, you're gonna have to speed up your divorce process to be faster than his dating process. If you're taking your time with the separation, haven't even filed for divorce yet, this looks like you're not serious about becoming single again so all the more he should not put his life on hold for you.
Since many places have a minimum "wait period" of up to 6 months from initial filing date to when a divorce is granted (and this is assuming there are no other factors like custody battles etc which is rarely the case), you had better file for your divorce TODAY. By going slow on your divorce process you're demonstrating to your friend that he's right to not be waiting for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 April 2012):
 He is being wise and protecting himself. If your husband knows about you two he could be violent towards you and him. A man can be separated for a long time but still thinks he owns his woman even though the woman mentally left the relationship long time ago. As long as you are still married your friend is afraid of stepping into dangerous territory. You should concentrate on getting your divorce done. Then you will be free as a bird. After your divorce you can try contacting your friend and see if he is still single.
...............................
|
