A
female
age
41-50,
*royssweetie
writes: i had posted this yesterday....................................................................i i am an american citizen. i met an australian man over the internet last year and things progressed with our relationship rapidly. like we were soul mates. i have been in australia with him for 4 months now and i love him more than anything. we want to work out my visa so i can stay here and marry him. but we seem to have issues. he gets very jealous if i even glance at other men and for the past few days he has been asking me constantly if i am being faithful. i do know that he has been burnt really bad by other women in the past. but i have tried everything like telling him and showing him in little ways every day that i love him, but it doesn't seem to do any good. i am not allowed to work on the visa i have so i am home alone all day while he is working. so i can't really blame him for thinking this way. anyone have any suggestions as to how i convince this man that i want to only love him forever? thanks in advancepeople replied and i posted this... (i am reposting again so more people will see it and help me)..........................thanks for all the advice from everyone. i constantly explain to him that cheating isn't in my nature. i believe in long committed relationships as so does he. i tell him every day how satisfied i am and how much i love him. i tell him all the things he does that i love and how much he makes me happy. i constantly tell him he is the only one for me. i got tommy7's imput first and that's what i did. i told him as soon as he got home that he is and always will be the only one for me.. he looked at me with those loving eyes and said he was sorry for even thinking it. as the night went on, we got a little busy in bed. he was playing with me (which i love to feel him touch me) and pulls his hand out and shows me that it was white.... he threw me off of him and insisted it was cum from another man. which i know it was just from him touching me cause i am sensitive like that but of course he did not believe me. we fought for hours. him telling me that he doesn't trust me and thinks that i have never loved him and everything i say is lies. so, he gets in the car and takes off for an hour. he doesn't have a license so of course i was worried sick that he got pulled up or killed himself cause he's suicidal sometimes. when he came home, all i could do was keep telling him i loved him and would never cheat. crying my eyes out. he said that i better not be lying and he said he was sorry. again, when we woke up, he said how sorry he was and that it will take time for him to trust me because of all the hurt he has been threw. but this is the third time an argument of this nature has happened. i cant tell him to come home unexpectedly to catch me as i am his means of getting to and from work. i have told him that if i need to, i will write down what i do every hour of every day. he says that i don't need to do that. i just need to be truthful and faithful. ok.... i'm doing that. i'm ready to rip my hair out. and as a reply to eddie. no. i cant blame him for thinking it. if you knew what women have done to him, i'm surprised i got him to date me at all. not one person in his life has ever respected him. women have cheated and used him for everything he had. and his best mates did the same thing. so his trust issues are severe.he tells me all the time that i am his only family and best friend. i would never suggest to him that i think he is cheating. all that would do is make him think i am cheating even more because i know that he isn't. he always tells me that im the sweetest girl and that he never met anyone like me and if i ever did anything to him like others have done, it would cut him like a knife in the heart and he would rather shoot himself in the head than to be hurt by me. so, what am i to do now? do i just let the accusations continue and keep denying? i'm starting to get really depressed about the whole situation and not sure how much longer i can go through it. but ending our relationship is not an option. he is the love of my life. i'm so confused. i have had people in the past think i have cheated but it never bothered me cause i didn't love them. i love this man more than anything else in this world. i gave up my home and my business, my car and my pets, moved to australia, the other side of the world to be with this man. yet still, he does not see that i would never purposely hurt him.... i dont know... :(
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (25 October 2007):
 This has nothing to do with your insecurity. It has to do with his. Do you understand what a triggered response is? That's where he says sorry, then it happens again, he says it again, then it happens again. That's why I recommended counseling for him. He needs to figure out what is causing these triggers, then deal with them. This of it this way, since it's almost Halloween, I look at triggers as "fear that overpowers reality." You're not cheating, but that's not what the fear tells him. He's afraid of getting hurt. One way of protections, is the triggered response of accusation if our "fear" tells us something isn't right. Like the white discharge. I'm not a virgin, and I know women do have white discharge. But his brain associates the white with the past pain he had experienced. All though women have white discharge, and men do, the fact that men do is what the "fear" relates as being the answer.
You also mentioned sometimes suicidal. With these other things you mentioned, please never take that lightly. Between the accusations, and from time to time suicidal, I really wouldn't be surprised if he's not suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Let me ask you this. If I brought you to my world here. Put you in an isle where you couldn't run or turn around and go back. If I lined up 50 people down the isle and as you walked down everyone spit on you one by one as you past, but the last person did not. Wouldn't you expect that last person to have done the same as all the others? In other words, your boyfriend expects you to treat him like crap.
Take him to a doctor, get a proper diagnosis. If after you have an actual diagnosis you want information of how to permanently (without suicide) overcome fears and eliminate these barriers. Let me know.
Take care.
A
female
reader, troyssweetie +, writes (25 October 2007):
troyssweetie is verified as being by the original poster of the question i do respect myself a lot. if love isn't as good as a fairy tale then what is? and you should believe in your own prince charming. i'm sorry if all of you think i am headed for an abusive relationship. that is far from the case. he would never ever hurt me. and a little mental abuse i am willing to put up with to help the man i love so much. i have gotten some good advise from private messages and i want to thank all of you. :) things are much better now as he does believe that i am faithful. i think maybe because he can't prove that i'm not. everyone please, remind the one you love every day that you love them. it's so important....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): I agree with all the previous posts. But honey I think you don't respect yourself much if you leave your life behind for someone you barely know. At your age you shouldn't be believing in Fairy Tales and Prince Charmin.
I'm afraid you are trapped in an abusive relationship (abused men often become abusers) Remeber this post honey because I can guarantee you'll be suffering frequently if not daily from heated arguments with this person and after he pours all his frustration into you he will return to you saying I'm sorry and you'll always take him back. That's the cycle of the abused women. But of course the abused woman has a hard time realizing she is being abused.
Warning Signs Someone May Be an Abuser
If you are in a new relationship, you may be wondering how you can tell if you are with someone who has the potential to be an abuser. Here is a list of warning signs which may help you identify if your new partner may be an abuser.
-He or she professes his or her undying love to you very soon in the relationship and comes across as genuinely warm and charming.
-He or she is overly suspicious and jealous of you and your activities.
-He or she may try to control your life. This may include trying to control where you go, who you see, what money you spend, what you wear, where you work and more.
-He or she may show a general lack of respect and a strong disliking to authority figures. This may be law officials, on the job managers, parents, clergy and more.
-He or she may exhibit a dual personality. One part of him or her is sweet, charming and youthful. The other part of him or her is angry, authoritative, and/or aggressively violent.
-He or she has hit, shoved, pinched, kicked or hurt you in the past.
-He or she has battered a former spouse or romantic interest.
-He or she is threatened by any successes you may have in your life, separate from him or her.
Alcohol or drugs seem to aggravate his or her violent tendencies.
-He or she may somehow find a way to blame you for any disappointments that he or she may have.
-He or she may want to use sex as a way of making up after an explosive or violent outburst.
-He or she will put you down and try to embarrass you in public and/or private.
-He or she may experience road rage very frequently.
-He or she is very competitive and is a very sore loser.
-His or her word comes to mean nothing.
-He or she will try to isolate you from your family and friends.
-He or she may roughhouse on occasion, but you notice that he or she is getting more rough.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, help is available. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They will direct you to safe places in your area where you can seek help.
www.Mamashealth.com
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): It sounds as though you have already sacrificed an awful lot to go to Australia (especially your pets as I know how attached we humans can get to them - I know I couldn't leave my dog behind for anyone) - but please don't sacrifice your own self worth. He needs to change otherwise, for your own sake please move away from him. He needs help outside your relationship to deal with his issues.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (17 October 2007):
 The real tragedy here is he is using you as a punching bag to alleviate all the pain he has suffered in his past. The problem for you is you appear to accept this.
From what you have said he has serious trust issues and you have fallen for his excuses that his behaviour can be directly attributed to other people letting him down. At the moment he has to take no responsibility for his actions at all as they are all waved away because he has been let down before. It's just too convienient, you are now the person he can finally get his own back on. You wont leave him ( he probably realises this now , but there's no reason to stop threatening you with what will happen if you do leave him )
You have been with him for 4 months, you should still be in the throes of passion. You have to imagine what he will be like in 4 years, will you still put up with his constant accusations? - it will start growing very very tiring for you.
I think the best bet is counselling, you could go together and talk about his trust issues with a third party. If he doesnt agree you may have to think about what sort of life you are gearing yourself up for. You need to ask yourself is it worth it driving yourself into an emotional wreck and constantly being under his spotlight with virtually no freedom. It doesnt sound too good to me.
You are not responsible for his insecurities and in a way I would be annoyed that he got you over here ( I live in Aussie too! ) without being fully upfront about his mental condition. That's dishonest to me - its almost as though he was actively recruiting someone to take the rap for his past relationships - why else would all this come out now?
Good luck, be strong, and try and make the right decision for YOU - remember you are only on this planet once .
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (17 October 2007):
Tell him you may not be able to live with him if he can't tell the difference between a cheat and a faithful girl. Mention everything you offered to do. Say that was way more than reasonable. If he has any evidence whatsoever he should produce it now.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 October 2007):
 I didn't see the other post, but I can sort of reconstruct what the other agony aunts and uncles responded.
It seems this man has a very hard time trusting you. I can understand that he was hurt before, and I know that human feelings don't work like a clock. But, as I see it, his fear of being hurt is just too much. He is spoiling a perfectly good relationship. He is rude and very, very offensive (I'm thinking in particular about his saying that you had semen from another man). You're trying hard to prove him you're faithful and apparently nothing is enough. You're hurting a lot because he has baggage.
I wouldn't like to think that he is a hopeless case. But, I think things have come to a point where he just needs to take your word and trust you, or he should let you go. You're leaving your country and all of your life behind to be with him, and all he can do is imagine the worst.
I suggest that you talk to him, in a direct manner, and you tell him how destructive his behavior is.
If I were you, I would go away if things didn't change after such a conversation. You don't have to put up with his baggage. He either moves on or not.
Take much care. You don't deserve this.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 October 2007):
Sometimes people are real damaged, and need help weeding through all these issues that caused it. It shows a low self esteem, that he's not good enough for someone to remain faithful. Unfortunately you won't be able to be that person. You have an emotional bond with him, it has to be someone who doesn't have an emotional attachment, who he doesn't have one with either.
He's going to need counseling. That is almost definite. You need to ask him. These other women treated him like crap, why is he punishing you for what they did and you didn't cause. Ask him if he really feels as if that's fair. That's not giving you any respect. All though these women didn't respect him, doesn't mean he's allowed to treat you with less respect. You don't deserve to be punished for their mistreatment. This jealousy is something you don't deserve, and he needs to really realize that. He needs to also realize that you DON'T have to be with him, it's not an obligation it's a choice you have made, and if his behavior doesn't change it's also your choice if you decide to stay or if you choose to leave, NOT HIS.
I hope you can convince him to seek counseling. I wouldn't say I DO, until he has done his part to work through these issues.
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