A
female
age
30-35,
*3chelciemarie
writes:Hi all!I have been dating my BF for about 4 months now. The relationship was very fast moving and we basically were pretty "offical" after a few weeks of dating. He was pretty intense, But I felt like I had finally found someone who really cared for me and loved me. Overtime I started to realize he was really codependent and insecure. I believe he has a lot of mental health issues he has not addressed. Hes very emotional, insecure, and needs constant reassurance. There have been 2 times where I have wanted to possibly end it, because I felt overwhelmed. Being that were both 26 and trying to figure out our lives, I too have my own things I want to work out for myself. I guess I basically feel like I need to be the rock of this relationship, and need to be the secure one. It's not completely one sided, there are times he steps up to secure me and such, but at the moment I feel like I need to be the strong one. Hes always afraid I'm going to leave him, and needs constant reassurance that I won't. A big tipping point was this weekend when he not only was getting insecure at any moment a guy would even look at me, but he had a full blown panic attack. I remember having to basically rock him and stroke his head while he sobbed until he fell asleep. He kept saying everything in his body hurt. It was honestly scary , and I was afraid he would self harm. I deeply care about this person and am trying my best to help him get the help he needs, but it's very draining on me. I want to work on myself too, and I'm in the process of really building my career. Is it wrong of me that I dont feel like o can be that type of support for him? I honestly feel like his main line of support at the moment, since he doesn't have many friends or supportive family.I want to be there for him, but at this point it is a lot to handle, and I dont know if I am wrong to think that.
View related questions:
insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, x3chelciemarie +, writes (17 April 2019):
x3chelciemarie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you to everyone for the much needed advice. I am on a break of the relationship right now. Hopefully I can figure something out.
Thank you again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2019): You cannot help him infortunatley. He needs professional help long term. You are not his carer but his lover and this will slowly fade if you continue reassuring him all the time. You are right to want to work on yourself and discover your own life. Being in a relationship durin this stage in your life should be an additional support for you not a drain.
Try and help him get professional help, if he refuses then you have to end the relationship. You can't carry on like this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 March 2019):
 How do you see this relationship panning out a year down the line? 5 years? 10 years? Is this how you want to live?
If your boyfriend does not get some professional help, he is going to drag you down with him. The longer you stay, the more imprisoned you are going to feel by his issues and problems. You are already starting to feel that way. At some point you ARE going to leave because this is not how you want to live your life. Regardless of how much you care for him, you cannot - or rather, SHOULD NOT - put your own life on hold for him if it is not what you want. You are both very young and you should both be making the most of these years. What HE does is out of your control but you do have a choice over how you live YOUR life.
He needs to seek professional help rather than struggling alone with his mental and (possibly) physical issues. He cannot expect you to shoulder all the burden of this. You are not his carer, his nurse or his therapist. Stay with him long enough, and your mental health will suffer too, and then you may get to a point where you don't feel strong enough to leave.
Speak to what family and friends he has if you can and see if anyone has a plan on how to help. Ask them to keep an eye on him but don't take full responsibility for his well-being as you are doing now. By his actions he is wasting not only his own life but yours as well. You will never get this time back. Reclaim your life. You are not responsible for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 March 2019):
 There's a huge difference between being someone's support system and being their emotional and mental crutch. Like the others have said, you MUST NOT be their therapist. A healthy relationship cannot withstand such an imbalance, and you will start to feel like he had sucked onto you and is sucking out your life's blood like a vampire. You know, like in the movie Tron when a program gets sucked onto the wall and the Master Control Program starts sucking their essence out of them while slowly getting bigger and stronger while the program stuck to the wall gets weaker and weaker until it finally breaks down into nothing? That's what this guy is doing to you right now.
He won't stop. Before you drop him, you need to have a talk with him. Tell him you can't be his "Everything" and that he and he alone must own his insecurities and must deal with them, because you will not be controlled by them or held in his emotional cage and not allowed to talk to people.
If he threatens self-harm, call him out on it. Tell him that the law requires that you notify Adult protective Services or police if he is serious. If he gets scary and you feel like you're in danger, then you need to GET OUT OF THIS.
He needs regular psychiatric and therapeutic help if he's having panic attacks. I'm a bit worried that he's using this as a manipulation of you. YOu do NOT need to be "the strong one". BOTH of you do.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2019): The reality is, the relationship hinders on too much insecurity and dependency to survive on it's own merits. You need to work on you; and he's seeking someone to totally lean on.
Getting yourself into these situations is what happens when you don't take the time to fully evaluate the character and personality of the person you're committing yourself to.
You have to pace your feelings, and fully acquaint yourself with their full-range of emotions; and assess the temperament of the person you think you're falling for. You have to familiarize yourself with their quirks, character-flaws, and strengths. In men, most importantly, how they manage their temper. Now you're afraid of/for him, and what he might do.
This is what you must take from this. You must go slow, because many unusual personality-traits and quirks aren't exposed until somewhere down the line. People with mental-health disorders can often hide them, or cover them up. Passing-off odd behavior as being quirky, too intense, or high-strung. In my book, even those are all red-flags!!!
You have to be vigilant for red-flags and deal-breakers; but if you rush things and jump-in feet-first, you don't see warning-signs until it's too late!
It's a sure sign things aren't right when there is moodiness and too much brooding.Serious jealousy and intense insecurity are very scary signs. You were easily pulled-in; because so many young women want to be in-love, and want to be in committed-relationships. They may unwittingly or naively let desperation overrule their better-judgement. The first-mention of the L-word, and they're hooked!
You've got yourself a classic-case of "bait and switch" here. You thought he was sensitive and romantic; but he's high-maintenance and insecure.
In the modern dating-world, we're confronting a great deal of unusual personality-disorders, there's substance-abuse, and undercover-addictions uneasily detected. You simply can't rush into emotional-entanglements without fully knowing yourself; let alone being able to discern serious personality-issues. Which may not be apparent early-on into a romantic-connection with someone you barely know. You can agree to date exclusively the first 6-8 months, and form something more committed by a year's end. Everbody's in a hurry! Then come the surprises!
Now you're afraid of what he might do to himself. If he is suicidal, there probably isn't much you can do to prevent it; because once someone reaches that point, anything can push them over the edge. You can't be around him 24/7! If you didn't insist on him getting help immediately, you've allowed him to lock you into the obligation of being his emotional life-line. You'll never know when he just might lose-it. That's a sticky place to be in. You're an emotional/psychological hostage to someone who has visible-signs of mental-illness. What to do?
First you get him into mental-health counseling; all the while telling him that you can't take-on the responsibility of maintaining his stability. You admit that it is too much for you. If he goes into hysterics; then call 911, and have him taken to a hospital for observation and treatment. It seems in almost every case posted by an OP, there are no responsible or available friends or family to help support these poor afflicted people. His life is in your hands. You feel guilty and responsible; if anything should happen to him. In time, you will feel caged and resentful.
He is manipulating you. He is establishing an insurance policy that you will leave under no circumstances. He is using psychological-blackmail to establish a binding-contract that makes you feel totally responsible if he should do something to hurt himself, or if he should get sick.
He's not crazy, he's cunning as a fox. As many are with mental-health issues; when they want to have their way.
The only way they can get people to stick around, is to trap them into emotional-bondage.
If he refuses or delays seeking professional-help, that's a sure sign he is manipulating you; and using his anxiety and/or depression as a way to trap you into a relationship you can see no way out of. Your romantic-commitment progressed far too quickly; which should have alerted you in the first place.
No one falls in-love so deeply and so quickly! Your feelings are based on pity, not love. No one kills themselves because they love you so much. They are experts at exploiting compassion and vulnerability in other people. They use melodrama and theatrics to control you; and it's a subtle threat that always hangs above your relationship like a dark cloud.
You will have to get out of the relationship before you get in so deep you will develop emotional problems of your own.
You will have to be honest and forthright. You will have to put yourself first; because you have no professional-credentials to care for someone who may have serious mental-health issues, and whom you fear may do himself harm. If he did, it wouldn't be your fault. It would be because he never sought treatment before it was too late.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 March 2019):
 I think you know this isn't going to be a healthy relationship, ever.
Like Auntie Cindy stated YOU CAN NOT BE your partner's therapist, even if you DO have the education it would be a bad choice to counsel a partner.
The SOONER you disengage and end this the better.
He needs help that YOU can not give him. Not by staying, not by making promises or FEED his insecurities with constant reassurance. All you are DOING with the constant reassurance is... enabling his insecurities to take the forefront in his life.
IT will DRAIN you. IT does not HELP him. It's only a short burst temporarily fix. And the NEED for more reassurance and control (like him asking for you to take a picture of where you are or giving his access to your social media/phone or isolating you from friends) WILL increase as at SOME point YOU verbally assuring him of your constancy and faithfulness will need a higher level of "proof" and reassurance.
It's JUST not healthy.
HE NEEDS to get REAL help to deal with his issues. HE needs to BE healthy or at least WORKING on being healthy (mentally) before getting into a relationship.
THERE is a reason why he went ALL OUT in the beginning. 1. because he DOES know it's NOT going to last.
2. in hopes that IF you feel SUPER loved/cared for, you might stay longer.
And 3. IT is easier to go "full on" being caring and interested than it IS to face his issues with a therapist/counselor and WORK on himself.
While he has some great traits, they will not outshine the "bad" ones, not long term. Again, I think you know that.
Don't drag this out. Wish him well, suggest he SEEKS help and start working on his issues so HE can be a healthy person and find someone with whom he can BUILD a long and healthy relationship with.
YOU DO need to put yourself first.
If he threaten to harm himself, call emergency services and once he is in care, block him.
YOU can not SAVE someone who DO want to harm themselves, NOR can you SAVE someone by staying WITH them when it's just not healthy.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 March 2019):
 There is absolutely nothing wrong with you questioning whether or not you should stay in this relationship. It sounds like the guy has alot going on and being with him long term will suck the life out of you. Its not his fault but he needs professional help and its not your fault that you are thinking of yourself. If you are going to end things I would suggest you do it sooner than later. You aren't a bad person because you are thinking of yourself because lets be honest in the end almost all of us want to survive and will do what is necessary to save ourselves.
Perhaps you can help him get professional help and see if there are any groups that he can seek out support from but don't be his lifeline sweetie. It will eventually become too great of a burden and he will grow more and more dependent on you. It sounds cruel but its the truth. Take it from someone who has been there..done that.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 March 2019):
 And even if you were wrong to think that ...? You'd think anyway, and you could not make yourself unthink it !
FWIW , anyway, I don't think you are wrong, if you are putting your best interest first when you start dating somebody, -something that alas too many women omit to do ,in their frantic search for a relationship, which then comes out as an unhealthy, codependent relationship, fraught with mutual resentment and grudges.
The poor guy is a mess , and alas he is a typical case of self-fulfilling prophecy, someone who is so needy and scared of being left, that he will push things unerringly in the direction of having to be left.
That's sad, and I can understand if it tugs at your heartstrings- but he is not your child, your frail ailing parent , or your husband of many years who all of the sudden gets mental issues and to whom you have promised to stick around " in sickness and in health ".
This is a guy whom you have been dating since just 4 months, and this trial period was enough to let you see that you have bitten more than you can chew and that you can't handle his issues.
You can't, and you shouldn't. You are not a mental health professional , like a counselor or a psychiatric nurse ( and if you are, it's not in your professional capacity that you are seeing him ) and this guy needs professional help BEFORE he can try and date / have a normal relationship with somebody.
Will you feel guilty if you dump him ? Very probably. It's irrational but almost inevitable. Will you look like the
" bad guy " in his eyes, or those of his friends ? That's possible too.
But you can handle it. Soime times you've got to be cruel to be kind, and you would be doing him no favour if you chose to drag things on, out of pity , only to be inevitably driven to distraction by his neediness and insecurities in a few months, or years, and having to dump him then, when he's got even more attached to you.
...............................
|
