A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met a wonderful guy 3 years ago, we both wanted the same things had similar visions for our future. My children have left home but his are still teenagers that live with their mum, so understand we cant go travelling yet until they turn 18. I was ok with this, I understood the situation when I met him that he has his children every other weekend all has been fine. Now as they are getting to the teenage stage every time they dont like something at home they say they want to move in with their dad. This time with his daughter it looks like it may happen, and however selfish I feel just even thinking this I really dont want this to happen, I dont want to go through parenting again full time, I like my privacy I have now. I love my guy to bits and will have no choice but to try if this is what he wants, but I am worried I wont be able to cope and will have to leave. I know his daughter comes first and rightly so, just feel so selfish, worried, scared and crap about the whole thing. Anyone else been through this? Did it work out alright? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (11 April 2013):
 Ever noticed how a baby cries in their Mother’s arms, and then reaches out for their Father to take them and visa versa? Similar thing happens with teenagers when they’re rebelling at home and not getting their own way. They’re reaching out to whomever ‘they think’ they can get their own way or to be soothed.The only trouble is; is if Dad is going to slip into guilt parenting; whereby they do as they please, get spoilt and show no respect etc. towards him and you. Or if he neglects you to the point of; it’s none of your business. It works best when both adults are on the same page and when living together.If and when she moves in; give it an adjustment period of a month for them to sort out any issues etc. Use this month for your privacy and or observe their relationship and his parenting style – learn more about him. Meanwhile you cope by discussing parenting issues with him; what role and boundaries are to be considered and how you’re feeling. Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 I understand your concerns too, and they may be selfish, but are also natural and human. I think it is normal that you feel nervous, worried and far from elated.
But then again, what you can/ want to do , other than roll with the punches and show grace under pressure ?
When you got together with the guy, you knew he was a divorced dad of teens, and that, at least on paper, having his children under his roof was never to be excluded. I mean, if ( God forbid ) his ex had died suddenly, or had ended up in jail , or in hospital, or had had some other kind of emergency preventing her from keeping the kids with her,... this was going to happen. Improbable eveniences ,perhaps, but not impossible.
Even your own children : they are all grown up and settled somewhere else, I know, but hypotethically they COULD have money reasons or health reasons or whatever reasons for which they could need to be with YOU , under your roof, for quite a while. I am sure that in this case you'd wish and expect that your partner, rather than freaking out, rebelling or going around with a long face, would swallow the new status quo with the best good grace , good will and good mood he can muster.
You will need patience, adaptability and probably nerves of steel :) , yes. You will also need some ingenuity and self control. I mean, if you let transpire too openly your natural feeling that she is as welcome in your life as an infestation of bedbugs - she will pick it up and probably act up consequently, really giving you something to complain about. But, if you keep an open mind, and don't see her necessarily as an interloper who will steal your partner's time and attention, or a sheer nuisance, it does not have to be a nightmare. Maybe you can even become friends, get closer, become a positive influence in her life. You don't have necessarily to become antagonists- who knows, you might even develop a bond of mutual affection. You don't have to parent her , or babysit her 24/7 - why ? Don't even try, as for that, she's got her own parent ( your bf ) just right there , for all the things, like disciplining, that require a parental figure. Of course an extra person at home- and a teen as for that ! - inevitably will bring some extra work and some extra mess, but this is something that you have to arrange WITH HIM beforehand. Make sure HE knows you are not going to be his daughter personal maid 24//, agree about who does what , chores, errands, responsibilities as soon as she comes or even before, and let HIM enforce the house policy, or pick up the slack for if she does not cooperate. Let HIM sweat this kind of stuff , and you try to keep your balance : no need to nag all the time to have absolutely everything just as it was " before "- and no need to go overboard and dance attendance around the girl.
Chin up - this may ,after all , even be an interesting experience, so far you have lived with this guy as a couple and not as a family- it may be a way to know the real him and explore new dynamics in your relationships.
Well, you had not signed up to explore any new dynamics, I know, you could have done without, - but it is what it is and might as well to see things with a pinch of optimism and make the best out of them. Good luck !
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 I haven't been in your position, but I fully understand your concern. When I was 13-14 my mothers boyfriend moved in with us, and it was hell. However I was the one to move out, not him.
You don't know what will happen if she moves in with you. You don't have to parent her, she's not your daughter. But I know what you mean in that respect too. I'm currently living with a 19 year old girl who has never lived alone before, and I go cleaning up her mess on a daily basis. She just doesn't SEE the big balls of dust flying around, so she never vacuums or cleans, barely does her own dishes -sigh-
Anyway, you don't know for sure how things will be. Yes, you're scared, but what are your options? Leave now BEFORE you know what will happen? Or stay, see what happens, and be patient?
I think you should support him and his daughter and make room for her if she wants to move in with you. But at the same time, make sure you have your space, maybe your bedroom, where you can retreat and have some peace of mind. Talk to your man about how you want things to be, ideally. Hear how he views it. Talk about how you should divide the responsibility, that you aren't going to be used as a baby sitter, and that you would need to have a place to be alone occasionally. Work out a plan that works for the two of you. Then, when/if she moves in, just take a deep breath and see how it goes.
I don't see how you can't travel though? Even if the daughter lives with you she is old enough to stay alone at home once in a while, or she can go stay with her grandparents, her mother etc.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 April 2013):
 Hi
I take it your living with your man?
I also understand how you have gone past the teenage years with your own children and are now free. I haven't dated a man who still has dependant children, on purpose, I have been there done that.
As you love your man and have had 3 years together I would see how it pans out, see if she moves in, before you panic. Could be she would miss her siblings and mum, at least if things aren't good at home she has got dad to come to. You will need patience, understanding, to establish ground rules with your man, it may not be so bad.
If she does move in long-term and you cannot cope with it then you will have to end the relationship because he can't be expected to choose.
...............................
|
