A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help me please, because I really don't think I am capable of dealing with this situation.I really love this guy and he loves me. We broke up 4 weeks ago. The reason for the breakup was basically, his alcoholism. We've been together for more than a year and in this time, he's really made progress and so have I. He's drinking less, he is less jealous, he doesn't say mean things to me like he used to. I've found a better job and done other things, which I also partly credit to having support from him. But recently I've overheard him being verbally abusive and I left. I was really upset to hear him be so mean and I didn't even know about it before, so I kind of felt a trust issue there too. Well the breakup has been going fine until recently. Now he's been calling me and saying I misunderstood, that I am making a mistake, and that he's really concerned I've found somebody else. And I feel so bad. I hate to see him suffer, I really deep inside don't want him to move on, but I am really out of ideas as to how this relationship can continue. My parents and my whole family is really against him also, partially because he's from a different country.
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female
reader, BZ +, writes (25 October 2007):
 Hey There,
My heart goes out to you. I'm in a very very similar situation. My partner and I are soul mates... the loves of our lives... but we broke up on Tuesday night (exactly 3 years to the day that we pretty much started out).
He too is an alcoholic, and whilst we both contributed to the break down of the relationship, blame doesn't matter. When it needs to be over you know it deep within yourself. you don't see them in the same light. Not to say the love isn't there, that never ever changes at all... but the day to day existance can become stale, growing apart, and for so many other reasons.
I'm in complete agony over it and miss him as though i've lost a part of myself. I used to tell him everything good and bad, likewise he did the same with me. It's so frustrating to try work out how we got here and what we could have changed or done differently to prevent it, but that's just a waste of energy.
We may well get back together when our paths cross (if they cross) one day in the near or distant future, but to think like that hurts too much, so it's just healthier and better to work through the up and down ride. The tears and the pain... all that crap... don't drink or do anything to try numb yourself... take this time as a healing for you. After puttinh so much energy into someone and something else, it's time to shift your thinking and give that love and attention to yourself again.
If you ever want to talk, you can message me and I will gie you my email details.
Stay strong and follow what you know is true to you.
BZ x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): Thank you everyone!
Thanks, hlskitten, I agree with you about flowers and love and everything being rosy like that, but I just don't have any more patience left. As much as it hurts me, I stay away from him because I can't take any more of his crap. I wish I could stay and be supportive too and I've tried before.
rcn - yeah, I agree about control issues. Sometimes he says "it is all my fault and I hope you forgive me", but only when blaming it on me didn't work :)
ladysuzanna - I agree.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (17 October 2007):
 Hi
Its still early days to say he is 'cured' In fact its doubtful he will ever be cured. Just learn to deal with it. And i still say he needs a little longer to be able to prove to you that he can stick with this.
Is it too difficult for you to be there for him and support him but not actually 'be' with him?
Because maybe thats an option here.
You making a mistake isn't an option. You did the right thing at that point in time, there was no mistake, dont let him brow beat you into thinking any differently.
Of course you feel sorry for him. You love the guy. But this is a problem that only he can sort out. With your support of course. And he will do just that if he wants to save your relationship.
I know it sounds very hearts and flowers, but, if you do love each other, then surely you will both do anything to help each other get through this? The verbal abuse will be part n parcel of the drink.
And the parents thing is a minor issue.
Good luck.
C xxxxxxx
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (17 October 2007):
 You've both made good progress, be proud of that. I think your ex-boyfriend has some controlling issues. You can tell that in "you're making a mistake." or "you misunderstood." That tell me he's turning the reason you left, or the blame back on you. You should be glad you're out of that situation.
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A
female
reader, ladysuzanna  +, writes (17 October 2007):
 it not the fact he from a different country i would not go out with someone who drinks and is abusive stop feeling sorry for him and think of yourself if you help him and still he not trying hard to kick the habit there a good chance he never will and you will never have a life a year is not long enough to give up the rest of your life move away where he does not know and change your telephone number if he is abusive you never know what is going through his mind some men that drink become abusive your seeing that now beside if he loved you so much he try harder good luck
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