A
female
age
,
*londie1961
writes:Years ago my partner had a threesome with his then wife and her female friend in their house, in their bed whilst their child was at her granny's. It was his wife who initiated the threesome, she took her friend back, etc. His wife has always been a promiscuous woman and I, unfortunately, have not been. I am not coping with this at all, please help ...
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female
reader, blondie1961 +, writes (15 February 2010):
blondie1961 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you Jimmers. During our first date I decided I was not going to meet him again but I never voiced this. The day after our first date he phoned and we had a good conversation and I changed my mind about seeing him again during this phone conversation. Two phone conversations later he asked me, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, if I had ever had a 3some. I replied "no, have you?" and that is when he told me. At this point I did not see him as my future and was not even sure if I was going to have sex with him so his 3some had little impact on me.
We continued on seeing each other and I was starting to like him more and more. I would say his feelings for me at this point were unclear.
Then the first time we had sex a voice in my head spoke to me "this man has had sex with two women etc" and I did not give of my best sexually then and to this day I still have not gave of my best to him.
We now love each other. It is because I now see my future with him that his 3some bothers me more than I thought possible. I have coaxed every detail of his 3some out of him and from that I have recreated it in my head. I want to be the best sexually he has ever had but yet I know I can't be and that holds me back even further. How can one woman compete with two?
He speaks fondly of his ex wife, he says he does not want to dislike her. He says if he were to hate her he would never be free of her. He says to be free of her he has to like her. I can't understand that. I feel he still likes her because of the sexual doors she opened for him.
I know I have low self-esteem and there have been days lately when I think that as long as he keeps admitting to liking his ex wife that our relationship is keeping my self-esteem low. He knows I have low self-esteem but I do not think he understands what it is. I have asked him to make me feel better by saying he dislikes her but he sticks to his position of liking his ex wife. He says he can't lie to me to make me feel better, to bolster me built on a lie would be wrong. I feel if he would dislike her then I would begin to relax about the whole 3some thing.
The other complication - he describes the other female in his 3 some, not as the 3rd person, but as "the special person" for she was in the middle of the bed and his wife and him made her feel special by giving her so much sexual attention. This woman lives a 5 minute drive from his house and it is but a matter of time before we are together shopping or something and we bump into her. He has asked me to smile, be nice to her and above all treat her with respect if this happens. If I don't treat her with respect he says he would dislike me.
My nearest relate is an 8 hour drive away so if you can help me in anyway please do so.
Thank you.
A
male
reader, jimmersadvice +, writes (7 February 2010):
I have just read a few posts by women in this situation. It's unusual, compared to the amount of men who post this issue, but whatever the case, your situation bothers you and that's what matters.
I have been in the same situation as you, but obviously with regard to my girlfriend and her past threesome with her best friend (girl) and a guy who she had often referred to as her best friend (male), but which turned out not to be true. He was a guy she fancied.
In my case, I deliberately never asked her, but she decided to tell me despite my requests not to be told, and then it was followed by a lot of cover ups and lies, until I found out the truth, months later.
I think the fact that there is honesty between you is good. It may not have been appropriate for this to have been brought up between you, and I don't know how that occurred, but either way, it's out in the open.
I have had a lot of help from Relate counsellors and I can not recommend them enough. These things that bother you are based, primarily, on low self-esteem; something which is often incredibly hard, if not impossible, to recognise and rectify in yourself, without professional help.
There is a perfectly natural element which resents the idea of your partner in any situation which you may deem to be more exciting than anything you feel you can offer, and that is fair enough (although it may well not be real, but perceived). It would be reasonable to not like this idea and therefore decide not to think about it.
You will see many posts on this site telling you that the past is the past, and that is perfectly true. I often feel that the people writing this do so often with the best of intentions and with clear mind. Nevertheless, for people who are suffering from an inability to move on from the thoughts that occupy their minds, there is a deeper issue at hand, and nearly always, it relates to how you feel about yourself. "The past is the past" is fine if you are self confident, but offers little comfort for those who can't put it in it's place.
If you can get help to deal with the way you feel about your perceptions of your own inadequacy in satisfying him, then you will be just fine, and you will see these things for what they really are - and these people are right - they are the past. I really speak from experience here.
So, firstly, realise that you are far from alone on this one and allow yourself to get the help you deserve from the people who can help you work through it. Forums are great as a backup to how you are thinking and as a way to see new angles, but the wording of a problem can lead to a biased angle and you don't get the personal help needed to work your way through it and tackle YOUR problem in the way that's needed.
Don't be scared by it, and trust that you can get on with things and be happy and fulfilled and move on with a strong and understanding relationship. It can be done :-)
Start by looking here www.relate.org.uk and see where your nearest person is. They are a great start and will help in the best way.
Good luck, and when you start, you'll feel such release!
All the best with it and I hope you're a little more optimistic that you were when you posted the question.
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A
female
reader, blondie1961 +, writes (22 January 2010):
blondie1961 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes you are right, thanks. I do not want to destroy our relationship because that would destroy me. I will learn to let go of this. Thank you all, very much.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (21 January 2010):
I encourage you to listen to what lionelhutz has said to you. If you can't learn to somehow get that image out of your head then you are going to destroy your relationship. This is something that happened before you so you can not hold it against him. Don't make him regret his honesty... It probably wasnt a good idea for him to tell you and I bet he wishes he hadn't.
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A
female
reader, blondie1961 +, writes (21 January 2010):
blondie1961 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I will try to get my visual image of the three of them together out of my head but it is going to be difficult. I coaxed details out of him and from the details he gave me I created this visual image in my head which now will not go away. In my life going out with and having sex with men never came easy to me. Thanks once again.
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A
male
reader, lionelhutz  +, writes (20 January 2010):
How can sex with one woman be better than with two women? For most guys, it just can be. Guys like to fantasize about 2 girls, maybe because it's an ego thing, maybe because it's a visual thing and we're visual creatures. But that certainly doesn't mean it's all we want or it's the best sex we've had.
You seem to be putting a high value on sex, maybe because as you said you are not as "promiscuous" as his ex. In a way I know how you feel. I'm not too promiscuous while my gf has led a "colorful" life before me. For a long time I let it eat at me till I finally realized she wanted to be with me, not the men she had known in the past. As she said, I was dwelling in the past, unable to enjoy the present. But when I finally did, things between us have never been better.
It may not happen instantly, but you need to get rid of that image in your head. You said your partner said the best thing you can do is bring yourself into your relationship and not dwell on his past. Listen to him and you'll be fine.
best
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A
female
reader, blondie1961 +, writes (19 January 2010):
blondie1961 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies to my question, all the replies have helped me and the more I read them the better I feel. I do wonder how can sex with one woman be better than sex with two women? I want to be the best he has ever had. He said to me that the best thing I can do for him is to bring myself into our relationship and to stop thinking about his past but I have this visual image in my head of the three of them together, in bed, doing stuff. If I could get rid of that visual image it would go a long way in helping me.
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A
male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (19 January 2010):
I know it's easier said than done but I agree with the other responses; you should not let it bother you. It's in the past. If that was all your partner wanted, he'd likely still be with his then-wife. He obviously wants more out of life and that's why he wants to be with you.
Enjoy the present! Good luck
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 January 2010):
This wife of his and this threesome are his past. You are his present and his future. He has chosen to be with you because he loves you. He isn't comparing you to her, because he thinks you're better :). This is nothing to worry about at all. You don't need to change, you don't need to be something or someone else, because he loves you, as you are.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (18 January 2010):
Why are you letting this bother you? Obviously the experience wasnt good enough for him to stay with her. So just forget about it and let it go. If he wanted a slut then he would have stayed with her. You are your own person and you make your own decisions about your life so you are not in competition with her. Stop feeling threatened by his past, you are his future now.
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