A
female
age
41-50,
*lite123
writes:My boyfriend of 5 month and I are very in love. We both are continually amazed at how well we work together. I truly feel his is the only man for me. However, about a month ago I snooped through his phone on a whim. We had been eating dinner at a restaurant and when I came back from the bathroom he had been texting someone and I could see the screen and it was a girl's name that I did not know and he quickly shut the phone and we went about the night. Sooooo that is when I snooped! Ahhh I have never snooped through anyone's phone and that in its self is upsetting to me that I did that. That is not the kind of person I want to be. Regardless of that, during the snooping incident I found texts to 3 girls. One who is a married friend, and two who are both single and quite young. I only read one message thread to one of the girls and it went kinda like this....bf: what you doing? girl: at the barbf: im at this other bar.new daybf: what's up big tits mcgee?girl: (can't remember what she said)bf: need some eye candy come overThat was pretty much it. I was devastated. When I asked him about it he claims that is how everyone talks to her and that she is just a guy's girl and is really cool and the eye candy comment was a joke. He also said that he never told me about these girls because he was afraid I would be mad. And that his other friends told him to call her and her friends up to come watch football.I explained to him that not only is that type of conversation disrespectful and hurtful to me but that he should not have secrete friends that are girls behind my back. I also explained that if he has friends that are girls and if he wants to go out with them and text them that he needs to give me full disclosure on exactly what is going on and that he should at least try and introduce us first. I also expressed that I felt that since he has a girlfriend his friends should be the ones calling up girls. Not him.He completely agreed and has tried to make things better. In fact he has even deleted her from his phone without me asking and probably won't be hanging out with her anymore. The second girl I am not sure what he said to her but he claims he just texted her and asked what she was doing because he was bored and she is a longtime friend and that he texted everyone that night. Honestly both girls are very trashing and no the most popular with other women that I have talked to and both are not much to look at. They are not quality people by any means. Even if this had not happened. They are not people I would want to call friends or even be around. Just not my type of crowd. I am not a jealous type person but now I feel like I can't trust my boyfriend and I am becoming a jealous person. I hate it. I hate the person this is making me. Now I fight with him all the time and I don't believe anything he says. I need to cut him a break because I am now pushing him away. It is not like he cheated and I can tell he is truly sorry. I am hurt at the words he used with another woman. I am hurt because he kept secret friends from me. I am hurt because we had something awesome and now I don't know if I can get over this. I feel like he will just continue to hide things from me and that I will never be able to trust him. How can I get over this? I need to move on and trust him or we will not last.
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male
reader, Jeffro1977 +, writes (3 October 2010):
It took me a lot of ex-girlfriends to realize that if you really love someone. You have to be happy for them no matter what that means. If this guy is the right one for you then he wouldn't do things like that. He could still be the one, you will notice a change. If you don't notice a change then perhaps its time to build yourself up to the dreams that you have always wished for. Its your road which way to go?
A
female
reader, Vanilla5 +, writes (2 October 2010):
Well I think being jellous is good but nor alot :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): hey thereJust thought id drop in my opinion as i was kind of in the same situation as youself a while back.Had a new boyfriend of about 4 months. We were head over heels for each other and everything was great. I never cared who he messaged etc and he did message alot. I knew he had this girl who he was great friends with and saw her alot i didnt care. But one night he acted like he was hiding the fact he was messaging. I got curious. I regretted it instantly but i looked at his phone. He had told this girl in the last message that he "hoped he would get to sleep with her one day"I was distraught naturally so i can relate to how you feel. For a while i pushed him away and caused fights. But he made such an effort to show me he was truly sorry and didnt mean it that i went from wanting to break up to forgiving him slowly.Thinking back now i cant believe i nearly broke up with a guy who makes me so happy. It took a bit to trust him but in the end he didnt cheat. He was just being a boy.I truly believe that you should give your guy a chance and dont let the relationship fall apart because of something little like this. I know its hard but in time you will be able to gain trust. Let him try make it up to you. Dont push him away. If you break up with him you may regret it.I hope this helps a little.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 October 2010):
 Ok, another premature reply on my part I guess...
Thanks for the additional follow up. It puts things into a different light.
How do you get yourself to trust him again? I think part of the reason why you're having difficulty trusting him is because you're still feeling very guilty about how you violated the trust of your relationship. I think that this will get better if you can forgive yourself too.
Once an apology is made and accepted, it is up to both parties to move on. He apologized, and I'm assuming you accepted that apology. You've apologized, and I'm assuming he accepted that apology. Time to let the past be the past and move forward.
A couple of side notes. Him deleting her doesn't mean she wasn't a good friend. It was a gesture he was making to show you who was more important to him. You asked him to prioritize and he did. Guys sometimes have difficulty expressing exactly how they are feeling and so they hope their actions will speak for them.
I don't necessarilly look at what he was doing as asking to meet up with women behind your back. He texted a friend to hang out when he was with other friends. Hell, just today I had a female friend invite me out. She has a boyfriend but I'm sure she didn't get permission first. That kind of thing happens with friends. If you trust him, then you will trust what he told you was true and that this really did not mean anything. Express to him that if he plans on hanging out with other girls then you'd appreciate a little heads up in the future, especially if they will be alone together. If he fails to live up to that, then you have a problem.
Sometimes when we start falling in love, we begin looking for reasons to back away or find faults. This can often create problems where there were none to begin with. I get the feeling that a little of that is happening here.
Take a deep breath. Realize that mistakes were made. Realize that everyone makes mistakes. Those mistakes have been discussed and shouldn't happen again, so now it's time to move on and be happy.
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female
reader, elite123 +, writes (1 October 2010):
elite123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you. that makes me feel so much better. you are right. the calling it a wash thing actually makes sense to me. because I am terrible sorry and wont be doing that again.... probably the same as he is terribly sorry and wont be doing what he did again. i want to be forgiven and i can see he deserves to be too. GEEEEEZE LOVE!!! thanks again
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 October 2010):
For the record, your reply was approved after I posted what I did, but it just helps make my point.
You have met these girls, and you just don't remember. Your friend gave examples of guys saying stuff like that as jokes. You have no reason to believe he has cheated or wanted to cheat.
I don't see how he was hiding anything. Is it because he didn't say, "I'm texting sally right now?" I don't get it.
If he's as amazing as you are leading us to believe, you need to get over it. Dwelling on this is part of what's driving you nuts. Pretty soon it will be time for a straight jacket and a padded room. Don't let it get to that point. Realize you're over reacting. Realize that YOU ALSO violated the trust of your relationship. Call it a wash and move on. Let it be water under the bridge.
Everyone makes mistakes. If they are sincere in their attempts to rectify those mistakes then it is the responsibility of the others involved to let it go.
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A
female
reader, elite123 +, writes (1 October 2010):
elite123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDirtball,
I do agree with your last 3 paragraphs. Thank you.
Just some insight on this for you.... I don't freak out about him hanging out or texting other women. I actually have never had an issue like this before because I am so trusting. I think that is why I am so upset. I never once said he cannot be friends with anyone. He made that choice himself to delete her number. I actually feel terrible about that and have expressed this to him. I guess she wasn't as good of a friend as what he portrayed in the beginning. Which kind of upsets me on that end too. But I can deal with it :)
Part of me being so upset.... is with myself for acting and feeling this way. I am very upset that I went through his phone and that I am not trusting him. Right now that is probably the worst part. I am being pretty hard on myself about all of it. I agree that I made a huge reason for him to not trust me. However, he has never brought it up and never hides or locks his phone. I even apologized for the action separately. All of this is very out of character for me.
No I do not text other men inappropriate things. I do receive quite a bit of lude texts and emails or offers from other men. I make sure I tell them I have a boyfriend and that they need to stop. I also let my man know if I plan on hanging out with a member of the opposite sex. Since I deal with a lot of men in the career I have I actually get bombarded with disgusting comments and married men hoping to get a little action. (seeing this kind of thing from other men really disgusts me. I see men hitting on me and trying to get in my pants and then they turn around and go back to their wives or girlfriends all lovey dovey) I know this has something to do with my reaction.
I have several male friends and I expect my boyfriend to have female friends.
The fact that he is asking other women to meet up with him behind my back is not respectful and I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot he would feel the same way. Do you have any other thoughts? that might help me trust?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 October 2010):
I think you need to get over yourself. NEWS FLASH: he had friends before you got together. Chances are you haven't met all of them in just 5 months. I bet he has more friends that you haven't met too. Are you going to freak out like this if he texts them?
Ok, you weren't happy that he texted something disrespectful to a girl, even though she didn't aparently care. He apologized and then deleted this contact. Why are you still freaking out about this? Do you need to control who he hangs out with or contacts? What about your huge violation of trust by snooping through his phone? Does the ends justify the means?
I have nothing to hide and I text my friends, some of whom are women. If you had 1) snooped through my phone, 2) told me what I was doing was wrong, and 3) tried to control who I can and cannot talk to... I'd be gone. Likely after saying some choice words.
Listen, I realize that you're upset by this, but come on. Do you NEVER text other guys? Has he met EVERYONE in your address book? Have you ever made a joke that would make you look bad if taken out of context? I bet you have. Almost everyone has. Try and step out of your bubble and look a little more objectively at this situation.
Ultimately, if you can't get over this, break up. If you feel your trust has been violated that badly, then you're not likely to be happy, and you'll make him miserable too. There is little he can do to make this better, and he has done what he can. What else can he do to make you happy? Be your lap dog?
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female
reader, elite123 +, writes (1 October 2010):
elite123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the answer. I am very stressed out about this and need to come to grips with myself. However, I am certain he has not cheated on me. I am not being nieve about this. This is part of the problem though. Your response is not to trust him... just as mine is. So here I am with an amazing man who goes above and beyond to love me and be my man on every level.....and he goes behind my back. He says he never even thought anything of it and can see why I am hurt. He listens to me every time I bring it up. At this point I am the one acting poorly. A good friend of mine has quite a large rear end and she made the comment to me that her boyfriends friends text her stupid things about her junk in the trunk. I think her point was that guys do make comments like that not thinking sometimes. Sooooo that leaves me upset about the hiding the girls from me... or as he said not brining it up And the fact that he said he needed eye candy. That comment was very hurtful.fyi- Apparently I have met both of them with him and did not know it. (which that obviously doesn't make it better)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): maybe he has cheated and u just dont know it?
(1) come on the guy has been talking to all these trashy girls behind ur back
(2) u've only known eachother 5 months
(3) if there was no harm in texting the girl then why did he quickly close the text he was writing?
(4) if she was such a cool girl dont u think he would have introduced u to her by now? =)
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