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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, i am newly married, for about 4months, but i had doubts beforehand. The main reason for this being that i really connected with the older man i worked with prior to my marriage, but put all this down to nerves and fears of not knowing what to expect. But nothing has changed and I still have very strong feelings for this older man and i believe he really had feelings for me, but am doing my utmost to ignore all? I have never in my life been unfaithful..but i feel that this man could possibly be my soulmate. Since i married...things are only ok..we have been have certain problems...Is this normal for me to be like this? Please help...am i just being silly?
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male
reader, Withnail700  +, writes (10 November 2006):
 Do you love your husband? I know it might seem like a crazy question, but I married someone I didn't love and it pretty much tore me apart. To me, you sound to be in a similar position to me when I married. I don't think you'd be having these thoughts if you were happy and in love.
But forget the other guy. What matters is you, and whether or not your new husband is the one who's going to make you happy. I could never have stayed with my ex-wife because she and I were never meant to be together. I tried, we both tried, but it was no use. We both realised the mistake and divorced. It's just a simple matter of asking your heart. Who has your heart? If it's not your husband and you're not in love with him, then you're going to have some tough decisions to face.
But unfortunately true love is rare. If you leave your husband there is no guarantee that you'll find it. Some people (perhaps the majority even) are happy to accept marriages/partnerships that are not born of true love. For me, I don't think I could ever make such a compromise, but at the risk of spending the rest of my life alone.
I think you just need to ask yourself if you think your husband is the one who could potentially make you happy. If you think there's a chance, then you should work on it and see what happens - it's worth taking if it means you being happy one day. Good luck!
A
female
reader, Lesley +, writes (10 November 2006):
What a mess! If you really want your marriage to work then you have to try to ignore your feelings for this older man. Change job if necessary! If your husband's a good man, then he deserves your loyalty. Otherwise you have to be honest with him and try to work it out from there if possible.
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A
female
reader, LISAG +, writes (10 November 2006):
 Hi, I would say that you maybe should have trusted your doubts in the first place, sorry to say that but, when I decide to marry for good I will be expecting things to be better than just ok....
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A
female
reader, Dawnest +, writes (9 November 2006):
I sense the older man and you never got it together before yr marriage and so you have built up a dream relationship with his memory. Its normal to think of someone else when you are with another but reality has to click in and you have to make the effort to make things work with your new husband. Sex can be brilliant if you dream that you and older man are getting it on. You're no being silly just someone who doesnt get that turned on by your new husband. he does all the usual male things that your dream man wouldnt do in your mind. But, believe me, older man is just as bad with his smelly socks,nose picking,slobby ways. You just havent seen them first hand. Enjoy the day dreaming to get you through the day but remember hubby comes first.
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