A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 29 years.All these years were very tough I feel like I am in prison.We are like day and night. I got depressed. I had a break down before and i Can feel one coming soon. Ijust want to dissapear and never come back.I hate him I don't love him he make me so depressed. He never have money never go out and always miserable. what to do how to survive another 20+years with him?
View related questions:
a break, depressed, in jail, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (30 August 2011):
Hello again. Your life can be whatever you want it to be, and that's the truth.
We are each responsible for our own happiness. It is up to us.
The more effort you put into making your life happy and fulfilling, the more enjoyment you get out of it.
Unfortunately, it might be time for you to make a decision about your future.
Your husband has become a sceptic, and doesn't seem to trust people. Because of this, it makes it very difficult for anyone to get close to him - including you.
The choice about your future, is entirely up to you. No-one else can decide for you. It's your call.
As you don't seem to be genuinely happy in this relationship, it is therefore a very good reason to weigh it all up - the good points against the bad.
In an ideal situation, the good points should far outweigh the bad. There's no question about that.
You need to carefully go through all the good points - genuinely good points. Then go through all the bad points that you really don't like. From the ones you can live with and accept, to the bad points that you honestly feel that you couldn't change and definitely CAN'T live with.
Then see what you come up with in the end.
There may be some bad points about him, that you might be able to change in some way, however it's going to take time.
And you have already spent 29 years with him now!
It's definitely not a decision you should make lightly, you do need to thoroughly think it through, to get a realistic result. So don't rush into a decision too quickly. And it is BIG decision, there's no doubt about that.
Perhaps over the next few weeks, you could start imagining how you think your life might be if you weren't together anymore.
You could start considering also, where you think you would like to be living. Would you rent or buy?
Would you like to be closeby so you could still see your children?
There are undoubtedly, many many things to consider, however the most major thing would be where you could stay until the sale of your house goes through. You would of course, be entitled to at least 50 percent of the sale of your house. So that gives you some money to consider buying a small cottage, perhaps. Or, you could rent and invest the house sale money, towards your retirement. A nice little nest egg for your future.
And finance will not be quite so much of a problem for you, as you have said that you are working, so there is money coming in each week. It appears that you are in a fairly stable situation financially, otherwise.
So once you work out how you would go about it all, then when you feel ready, you could make the announcement to your husband - if leaving is what you do decide - that you want to file for divorce.
Then you proceed from there.
If you do decide to leave him, well then until the house is sold, could you possibly stay with friends or family until it's sold? It might be only a few months.
In any case, it's time for some serious thinking - now - about where you go from here.
And DON'T rush into any kind of decision just yet. Take your time, because it's an important decision, so you have to be absolutely sure you are doing the right thing.
It all comes down to what makes you happy - and what doesn't.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u all so much for replied to my mail.I am a working women I am a personal support worker and I love what I am doing.I went to school FT at 45 and finised with very good marks plus I was working FT.Because of him for years I was thinking I was dumm,I was aftaid to be around people.talk to them,making me have very low self esteem.And I never had this problem before I got marry.I hade a lot of friends outgoing person always loughing verry happy person.He dint like it when I start working but he loved the money I was bringing.One time he talk me that I am merrying to him and I am he's property.So after I finish school I start working 2 jobs afternoon and midnight shift and later on midnight and morning shifts.I was making good money from the 2 jobs and he was giving me only 100$ every 2 weeks.Now after a car accdent I am working only my FT job I pay only one bill but know I don't have enough.And when I see how other women leane theyr lifes how they got treated make me angry depress that I missed so many things in life and I am steel missing.iI am start findng my old self again I am not afraid of people everybody like to be around me I make lots of good. Friends.When I am out I am very happy around people but the missery and depression starts when is time to come home.He has no friends he suspisious of people he thinks that if they want to be your friends they want something out of you.I don't care anymore what he says I am not afraid of hm but we are like two stragers leaving in the same house.That what make me depress I dint dream my life lke this.But I quess life is not fair.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Depression is suppressed anger and the reason you've suppressed it is probably because you didn't feel safe expressing it. You needed a coping strategy for dealing with an unhappy situation you obviously felt powerless to change.I'm going to assume that in the nearly three decades of marriage you've already expressed your dissatisfaction to your husband several times. There is no point in doing it yet again. The length of time you've been doing something is not reason enough to continue doing it if it isn't working for you. Maybe it's time to end this chapter of your life and begin a new one as a single, independent woman. If you had the perfect life what would you be doing (what does it look like?)? What is stopping you from doing those things now? What can you do to make what you want happen?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): I imagine that your marriage wasn't always bad like it is now, so I am wondering what all happened to get you to this point,as Your level of extreme unhappiness just doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't sound to me like you are wanting to find a way to work things out, but rather that you just want out. I doubt that the why or how matters much anymore, but you do have a clear picture of what is in store for you if you stay in the marriage. Why would you consider another 20 years in a marriage that you are already so miserable in? It's difficult to realize the end of a life with someone when you are unsure what the future holds for you, but can the unknown really possibly be any worse? Get out already...there is plenty of financial help for you and resources available once you are seriously resigned to making your life better and yourself a happier person. At some point you will need to figure out your part in why things didn't work though ...why you didn't do anything before now, or the depression process will just continue. You seem to blame your husband for everything that is wrong and I hate to say it but it usually takes two people in a marriage to to allow things to deteriorate to such a degree. If you are not willing to do anything different in the relationship or communicate with him about what can be done to save the marriage, then you can't certainly expect that things are just going to magically get better.Ask yourself honestly... why are you still there?
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (29 August 2011):
Hi there. When you say a nervous breakdown, you are probably referring to feeling very very bored, and totally uninspired with life. That's basically what depression is - or "nervous breakdown", as it is sometimes called.
The way you are describing how you feel, it sounds like your life lacks a sense of purpose in some way. And it also seems to lack passion.
Whenever you feel in a depressed mood, one of the best things you can possibly do to help control these feelings, is to go for a nice long leisurely walk. You'd be surprised how great you feel after it, having been out in the fresh air, with mother nature. It really does help a lot. Plus, it relaxes you and will help you to sleep well at night.
When you walk, go for about 30 - 60 minutes, on a regular basis. Make it a habit. And go for a walk, especially when you are feeling in a very low mood. It really does help alleviate the negative feelings associated with depression. It's very very helpful indeed, I promise you.
29 years married is a lot of life to give up without a fight, don't you think?
Do you really want to leave him?
Why don't you try making your own life more fun? Perhaps you could take yourself out once a week, to see a movie you enjoy. You could go either by yourself, or go with a friend of yours, and then you could have a coffee together afterwards and a chat.
Catch up with your friends on a regular basis. Friendships are really important in life.
You could look into finding an interesting hobby to pursue, that you really enjoy. That's a great way to have fun.
You could even take yourself off on a visit to your local botanical gardens and have a walk around there for a couple of hours, and finish it off with lunch at a cafe.
You could visit your local art gallery once a month or so.
Just because your husband doesn't particularly want to go out to places, it doesn't mean that you have to go without, surely. No, not at all.
Your life is what you make of it. The more effort you put into it, the more you get out of it.
Variety is the spice of life. And variety is what seems to be missing in your life.
If you do start to do some stuff on your own, you will start to see your spirits lifting, and you will begin to enjoy life once again.
Most of these activities are fairly inexpensive, so they will probably not be a problem to afford.
Are you both still working, or are you retired? If you are working, well then there's no problem. Even if you are retired and living off your super, you could still do these things and just budget for them.
Once your husband starts to see that you are doing your own thing and are pretty happy, it could prompt him to start taking some action to enjoy his own life. It could be the beginning, you never know.
Quite often, it only takes one person to make some changes in their own life, to instigate major changes right across the board. You might just be surprised!
In life, you do whatever it takes to make things right. If one thing doesn't work, you try something else, and if that doesn't work you try something else again. The point is, you never ever give up on finding happiness. And you will find it, I'm sure - if you are willing to try.
Best wishes and take care.
...............................
A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (29 August 2011):
Why would you want to survive in misery and depression, rather than move forward in happiness. You have at least two other choices that involve being happy, rather than keeping things the same. One is to learn how to be happy with your husband, and learn what work would be involved to become happy. The other is to leave him, and learn how to be happy on your own and what work is involved in becoming happy on your own. Either of those options is a better option than the one you are living now. Either option will take action, and therefore energy and a committment by you to work towards having a better life. This is definitely worth choosing, and the sacrifices involved are definitly worth making rather than keeping things the same.
To learn what you need to do, start by seeking out help from others, and by educating yourself. This can be as easy as starting by calling a free help line, reading a simply written book on relationships, or going to a counsellor.
Realise that your unhappiness or happiness is your responsibility to yourself, you have to take responsibility for it and the choices you make, you can't blame it on your husband if you choose to keep things the way they are. Have the courage to make changes and to stop blaming him for something you need to take charge of, which you can.
...............................
A
male
reader, soon567  +, writes (29 August 2011):
This is heart breaking. At one point you must have love him, i would hold on to that part. You stranded because of money and nothing else. I would be honest and end it coz no matter what happen now this marriage is over.
I ended my marriage when i realized that no matter if we could solve all our problems, it has been so much pain that the marriage has to end.
Self worth is your key. You have to find away to make it on ur own now. I wouldnt argue or tell him how i feel except ask to be free. I would be honest and tell him it been a vey long time since you love him and you want a divorce.
...............................
A
male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (29 August 2011):
 You sound like you need counselling. It's sad if your marriage is bringing you down but you have to make certain that is the problem. It's all very well to blame your state of mind on your marriage but it might be something else. If you're sure its your marriage, get out. Getting out of a marriage is a big deal because you have to adjust emotionally to the changes. But you will be rewarded with a freedom to pursue your own interests.
...............................
|
