A
male
age
41-50,
*onemad
writes:I'm married and I was having problems with my wife and currently we live in different cities but somehow we have stable life and I visit her 2-3 times per month.I knew an ex-coworker since 2008 and in the same city I work (I work now in a different company) and we had been very close friends and I really liked her. We used to talk on phone for hours or meet. From 2 years I told her I love her as I felt too that she has true feelings for me. She got married on papers only last year and after few months she got many problems with her future husband. We used to hang out occasionally. Since then she asked for a divorce (and that stayed for almost a year). We used to flirt a lot, I kissed her hands, she used to touch me romantically and we both in a situation than we love each other and we didn't have sex as she still virgin. Our culture is banning sex before marriage. Early this year (2014) she was promoted in her job and had many responsibilities and she was very busy although she always text me and sometimes we hangout but due to her married situation she changed a lot and confessed to me that she became more tough and asked me not to feel bad about that. From 2 weeks she was having an annual vacation for 2 weeks and she asked me to meet but we couldn't make it.From a couple of days when I was texting her asking about how she is doing in life , she told me that she took a decision to return back to her husband (she is 31 years old) as he changed a lot (he is abusive by the way and they used to quarrel a lot of his bad as well as his family behavior). She de-activated her FB. She is virgo and have the style of on/off relationship i.e. disappear and reappear.I know I should have moved on since she got married but I couldn't. My question is I don't understand her behaviour and I'm willingly to ignore her texts/contacts for a while. Any explanations/suggestions as I feel I had been abused badly???!!!
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male
reader, gonemad +, writes (7 June 2015):
gonemad is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: During all the previous period we were having a small chat on Whatsapp or Facebook. Just short messages like wassup etc....But she always keep saying I miss you. And she always tell me that her husband is with her so we can't meet. Two months ago, she told me she'll meet me after she finish her work and she apologized just before the date saying that her husband will come to pick up her. From From about 2 weeks ago we had 3 phone calls in a week where we talked about our jobs and some family problems. She told me she is not married yet and she is not sad but she don't know why her "husband" didn't take the final step to marry her yet??Then last week we met, I picked up her with my new car and this is the first time for her to sit beside me (by the way in our culture it's not that easy for a girl or woman to ride a car with a man)We had a little chat and I gave her a present that I bought on her birthday but since then we didn't meet to give it to her. She liked it so much and she told me you always exceed my expectations and you are amazing. I asked her I don't want to lose you and she told me why are you saying this? relationship can end but friendship never. Honestly I was very happy to hear that. Finally I drove her back to work and we told each other I'll miss you.Any comments please? and what does this mean?
A
male
reader, gonemad +, writes (6 August 2014):
gonemad is verified as being by the original poster of the question @jls022, thanks for sharing your opinion as a female. I know that I'm wrong but sometimes it's hard to just let go a 6 years relationship to someone you forget the world when you are with. By the way, she was engaged to two people before and we also used to hangout but as friends only and just before she got her final commitment, I expressed my feelings to her and she shared me that feeling. We agreed that we shouldn't see each other anymore but things went the other direction.
For my wife, I usually see her but she is in another city. It's very complicated and we can't live on the same place for more than 2-3 days, problems usually arise. I tried many times to get the spark back but we both agree that it was a wrong selection from early beginning.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (6 August 2014):
I think she liked the attention you were giving her, but never had any intentions of being with you. She posted the song lyrics to make sure she still has you 'on the hook' and pining for her, which is a massive ego boost.
However, the real question you should be asking yourself is what about your wife? If you never see her, and have so many problems, and are in love with a other woman, then why haven't you left her?
If leaving is not an option due to your culture, then you need to adjust your focus and work on getting the spark back with your wife. Otherwise you're in for a long and lonely marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): You were a playmate and someone to vent her issues until she got her mind straight. You were a distant-connection, far removed from her immediate situation. So you were the person she could turn to while going through a personal crisis and marital problems.
I don't know if there is a language-barrier, but you used the word "abused."
She has not abused you, she left you to return to her husband.
She returned to deal with her marriage; as should you.
Notice no women have answered your post since it was posted. They'd rather you hear it from a guy's perspective first. No one is going to offer sympathy for a situation you clearly brought on yourself; and shouldn't have been in, in the first place. There is nothing you can say in defense of having an affair as a married-man, with a married-woman. You are not a victim.
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A
male
reader, Hnk +, writes (4 August 2014):
 Well, I would say I don't approve of having another girl in your life if you are married/committed. Either you end it or both of you get a divorce from your partners before thinking of anything more than being friends.
I suppose you should first be able to communicate with her. Mind games, playing childish games is quite for teenagers where you judge the person by statuses and how they have acted on a social website or messenger.
Sit down and talk. Find a time where you could both talk and see where is this all going! If you can't find the time, she's simply telling you "I'll play with you as much as I want but I'd never be committed to you"
I would suggest, simply drop her and find ways to connect with your wife. Life is beautiful and we forget to cherish what we have. Concentrate on what matters! What is really sad is that we tend to ignore what could be "amazing" which your case is your wife for something that would always frustrate us!
A wise man once told me however that every girl has: a guy she is talking to, a guy she is ****ing, a guy she is trying to date/marry, and a guy she is playing like a fool. Just make sure you're not the last one. If you think you are, move on.
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A
male
reader, gonemad +, writes (4 August 2014):
gonemad is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseOwlE, I agree with your opinion. But although we have no real responsibility, both of us wished that we were married as we have matched personalities and we always feel comfortable with each other. I think we were in an emotional affair.
Update: today she have updated her whatsapp status to some lyrics of a song we both love that says "I wish we were together"
And I'd like to hear any female reader opinion about my co-worker's behavior.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): Your pain is self-inflicted. You don't have to put up with the abuse from another man's wife. Not even your own wife.
You left your wife without a legal-separation; the other woman left her husband without a legal-separation. You have no real responsibility legally or morally, to each other.
She can treat you in any way she pleases; if that's what it takes to get rid of you, and to return to her husband. I doubt he has changed. That's her problem, not yours. She's tougher now. Maybe now she can handle him.
Most assuredly,you've been dumped.
You're a married-man with commitment-issues. Get a divorce and date single women. Problem solved.
If you know you should move on, then do so. You have no alternative.
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