A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey all, sorry this is another I love my best friend post. Basically long story short, I fell for one of my friends 4 years ago and we were really close until he got a new girlfriend and at that point I got myself to accept reality that we weren't going anywhere. He's a really good friend though. Anyway, he went off travelling and I changed jobs (we were coworkers originally). In the new job a met loads of new people and barely gave him a thought. He is back this month briefly before moving again in Sept. I am arranging a meetup this week with him and our friends but I have suddenly started feeling really awkward about it all this morning, so awkward in fact I'm struggling to focus so I came here. Any advice appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, I've just got back from the meetup and the end result is... my crush is totally dead :-D. I can see why I liked him but I could also see why I don't like him in that way anymore. The friendship was still there and we were just talking like normal friends. I was surprised how relaxed we both were considering how I felt about the situation before we met up. It just goes to show if you face things head on they aren't so bad. We swapped numbers and were planning to hang out in the near future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha, I like the bit about the boundaries. A straight guy once hugged me at pride infront of this girlfriend and moved his hand down to my ass. I shouted get your hand off my ass infront of everyone!
I don't think I'm really inlove with my friend, just lonely and worried I've done somthing to fuel his awkardness. Its a turn off for me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): Please don't feel that I'm insensitive to your feelings.
I'm gay also. As gay men and women, we sometimes find wonderful straight-friends with all the traits we want in a romantic-partner. Sometimes we're just fascinated that they feel so at-ease and affectionate toward us. They may be good-looking, caring, smart, and loyal. Maybe very sexy.
We have to respect boundaries, and value the friendship within the parameters that they are intended. We can love men who are straight, without being in-love with them; or making unwanted passes at them.
It is a myth that a man must be "bisexual;" if he has a gay man as a close, or best friend. When they get used to who you are, they no longer feel any threat. That's all. They're secure in their manhood and preference. Homophobes are often closet-cases.
That ugly myth is perpetuated by jealous and insecure females, and homophobic males. Like insecure heterosexual partners or lovers, who can't believe people of opposite sexes can be platonic best-friends. They just don't trust themselves.
I have some good-looking straight-male friends. I wouldn't cross the line. I want them to feel as at ease with me, as I am with them. They can be as affectionate as they like. They also have to watch my boundaries. They sometimes will use you as a guinea pig; because there are things they wouldn't do with other straight males that we don't mind.
Pecks on the lips, or cheek. Long hugs, or nipple-twists.
I know the meaning behind this behavior. I don't like offensive gay-jokes. Only certain guys get away with it.
Only when one on one. Not in a group. I have a sharp wit,
so better be prepared. I have a good left-hook also.
My rules. Don't start what you can't finish. Don't place your hands on me; where I can't place mine on you! Gay men have boundaries too!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfair enough. You are right I am over thinking this situation and I hug other friends too and don't give it a second thought. I'll spend my time working out how I can find someone who is interested in me and also learn not to make them feel uncomfortable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): You said he will be leaving in September, so it doesn't matter if you have the same friends. You're not likely to see him that much anyway. Hugging you is what "friends" do. You're really hung-up on this guy. Doesn't seem anything anyone says will get through to you. You read things into anything he does affectionately towards you.
Like I said, his rejection of your romantic-advances will put you in the right frame of mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, well I've just heard back from him, the meetup is going ahead. He won't let me meetup with him on his own which I've always found strange because when were on our own we have quite long discussions about personal things. He's always interested in my personal and private life. Last time we met up, we didn't talk much and I was trying to look at the situation from the outside in. When it was just me and him and his GF he put his arms round me and gave me a deep hug. His girlfriend did comment on it. I admit I did feel happy about that but I think after all these ups and downs I don't want to date him. I can't push him out as we share the same friend group.
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (4 August 2014):
 The only way you are going to be able to decide what is best, is by thinking about how this meet up is going to effect you, as in a situation like this you need to do what is best for yourself. Do you think you can put your feelings a side and simply be friends? Or do you think that if you meet him again you are just going to fall for him all over again? As you know getting over someone who you may of once viewed as a potential partner is tricky. It takes lots of time, emotions and effort. It seems like you may of finally been able to let the feelings you had for him go, but do you think they will come back if you meet? I would say that if you don't think you can ever see him as just a friend, then the meet up isn't a good idea. It will make things harder for you in the long run, and it may ruin all of the progress you have made. So sit down and think about this. Is there still a part of you that is seriously crushing on him? Do you maybe feel awkward because you know the feelings are going to come back? If the answer is yes then I would leave it. By the way this doesn't mean you can never be friends with him again, you may just need some more time, maybe try and get into the dating world and try and meet someone else who you could be interested in? That could help. And then maybe you can meet up with him the next time you come down :) Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): Don't build the expectations in your mind that his visit will lead to anything. Don't stirrup your feelings for him, with the intent to try and create something that isn't there.
I think your trepidation arises from your unrequited love for this guy, and the frustration that you may not be able to change his feelings for you in spite of all your efforts. You want more than his friendship, but you can't get your mind to accept that is all you'll ever get.
Your anticipation is building; because you are over-thinking this whole situation. Seeing him will just set-off your infatuation, and you're not sure how to behave. Bear in mind, he is moving again in a month. So don't get too attached. Least of all, don't disguise your attraction to him as just friendship. That is self-torture. Just yearning for him to reciprocate romantic-feelings for you.
Sometimes, rejection is what it takes to get those kind of feelings under control.
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