A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my partner for many years now. At first we both lived in a different town to our families and thats how we met. when the time came to move home he decided to move my way leaving family and friends behind, we bought a place together and currently live together.In the beginning everything was great, and he didn't seem bothered about leaving his family/friends behind and we had a great relationship until recently. He has got into the habit of needing to visit his family home consistently which is quite a drive away, makes phone calls to each of his family members (mother, father and sibling) every night - this is 3 separate phone calls most nights all of which are around 30 mins each. When his mother visits she makes snarky comments about him leaving home and he becomes someone i do not know when they are around. He is usually a loving sensitive man when we are together but as soon as they are around he becomes selfish and immature. I try to talk to him and he claims he is still very happy with us and where we are living - except why has things changed so drastically? We plan to have kids and i just can't imagine having our baby and him phoning back home every night, it feels immature?His sister is v.immature for her age and can be very dictating. When we visit - everything is her way - or theres a tantrum (she's a grown woman). my partner used to be protective of her due to his parents being split at a young age, but due to moving from home and being with me he is less interested in seeing to her needs of a protective big brother and she clearly doesn't like it. She constantly moans he doesn't care, doesn't phone enough, that they haven't got a relationship anymore...etc. She knows how to wrap him round her finger and once she starts he does nothing but chase her and bow down to her. It feels so wrong. its so frustrating i feel as though his family do not want us to get on and its pushing me to thinking and questioning my future with this man because of it.My first attraction to him was how mature he was and independent - a man that walked on his own two feet with out his mothers guidance....this has completely changed round and its putting me off. Please help what do i do???? I can't bring myself to want him when he acts like he needs his mommy around - i need a strong, independent man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): He's a man who is devoted to his family. They are close-knit as a unit. He was once the man of the house, following his parent's divorce. They are somehow drawn closer together, due to their dysfunctional past. Most would consider that a happy-ending.
At the moment, you're not married; so you can't really expect him to behave as a married-man. Once he is, and you start a family; who are you to say he will not take on his spousal/parental-responsibilities as required? How does he know you'll make a good mother? Have you ever been a wife or mother before?
Situations change, and people change to adapt to them.
He feels obliged to stay connected with his family; because he allowed distance to come between them. That was a very independent gesture to accommodate your relationship, bring you closer as a couple, and to demonstrate his commitment to you. I see nothing wrong with that.
I'm not sure who you think you are, to decide how people are supposed behave around their own families? If it doesn't change how he feels about you. If he becomes a husband and father, circumstances will dictate that he behave much differently. You arrogantly presume he's not up to the task. How do you know you are; until you come face to face with it?
So what if he acts differently around them? That is because when they are a family-unit, the emotional-atmosphere is different. They've been through hell and back together.
His mother reads your catty signals loud and clear. She knows you don't like them; since women read other women pretty well. You can fool us men, but you rarely fool each other. She can see right through you; as can his sister. They're not the only ones showing their claws, and raising the hair on their backs. YOU change when they're around too.
In family-gatherings and reunions; people tend to fall into the childhood-patterns they knew as they grew up. Mentally, it's their safe-place. How we often shed ourselves of outside influences, that stress us out. All those influences that make us feel isolated; or yank us from our comfort-zone. Family is where you retreat to recharge.
You may not be very much aware of it, but you also behave differently around your parents and siblings. (Unless you're an only child? Then that would explain a lot.) They bring-out your sensitivities, allow you to let-down your guard, and you feel totally at ease in their presence.
Often, it also depends on the cultural-ethnicity and nationality of a family. They might come across as peculiar, if you're not used to it.
As far as how you may behave around your own folks; only other people will notice. It apparently doesn't matter to him.
You are unlikely to marry this guy. He and his family come as a package. Your body-language, subdued hostility, passive-aggressiveness, and how you project your attitude will no doubt work against you. Any possibility of a wedding ever happening, is null and void.
You don't like his mother. She doesn't like you. Therefore; your fate is sealed.
That could change, if you made the effort. They're already together as a family. You're the one trying to make their way in. Your impression on his parents and siblings have a lot to do with his decision. Get it? It's not all up to you. You feel insecure because of it. You're in big trouble if you don't like his mama. Even bigger trouble if she doesn't like YOU!!!
Just by the way you describe them; you have no qualms about letting them know just how you feel about them. You are harshly critical. Your post implies that you simply tolerate their existence.
Sorry that you are unable to alienate or detach him as yours only to control. Which is how you come across. He does as he pleases, or you wouldn't be living together.
He simply caters to his family in a boyish way; BECAUSE HE LOVES THEM. Where do you get-off defining him as a mama's boy? That reflects a lot on you. So I guess you're not right for him either.
Perhaps you'd be happier with someone alienated, or estranged from their family? So he can focus all his attention on you?
Now you have to get your legal ducks in a row, to workout how you'll divide the property. Unless you change your feelings and attitude about your relationship; that's all
you can look forward to.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): I've encountered a slightly similar problem. After researching about it, I know now that there's a general pattern that occurs sometimes after parents separate.The son - usually the oldest, but not always - is simply put in the position of father and is like a substitute partner for the mother. If the mother does not meet a new man, the demands and needs and expectations that she places on the son, often from a young age, are actually enormous but to them seem totally natural because they don't know any different.The problem is that the son is very often given a huge sense of responsibility (again it feels normal to him) - so he will give seemingly unlimited attention to his family - BUT he has not had a father figure around to actually show him how to delimit his time and responsibilities as a man and as a son, rather than as a Dad (to any other siblings) and as a husband (to the Mother).The problem that you will face is that, if you 'come between' him and his family then you will be seen as the enemy not merely by the family - and I may add, it is ultimately the mother who has complete power here - but by your partner. The thing is, if he had already got the emotional maturity to take on board the possibility that he is being used as substitute husband and father, then he would have found a way to deal with it. He hasn't gained that maturity and you CANNOT give it to him. He will only resent you if you try. Possibly the best thing that you can do is to somehow make him aware that this pattern exists - you could discuss other families who have this pattern or discuss it if it comes up in a film or in a book you've both read - in other words, talk about it objectively and from a distance just to raise his awareness of it as an issue. THEN you could sensitively find a way to raise his awareness of the possibility that this is the pattern that he is in. See how he responds.The only other possibility I can suggest is that you go to couples counselling. It seems very clear what the problem is, but it won't seem remotely clear to him at all, because this is what he has always done so it just feels natural to him. It's not healthy however and you are very right to question his behaviour. It has far, far reaching effects the older a man grows because you are basically living with a man with a stunted emotional growth pattern and it will cause many more problems further down the line. For example, you are on the brink of becoming the 'nagging wife' because of this problem that he can't see. The more that you 'nag' him about it's effects, the lower his self esteem will get and the less chance he will have of maturing and the less capable he will become at dealing with anything.What you saw initially in him - his strengths and apparent independence - makes complete sense but it is also in a way a 'fake' independence. He would seem this way because he's had to 'step up' as Dad and as husband when he should have been allowed to remain sibling and son. He's learned to seem strong and capable and confident but underneath he's still stuck at the age he would be when his parents split. That's why he reverts back when he's with his family and that is the other part of the 'man' you are with.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (23 June 2014):
Your age and location suggests that it's different people, but the details in this post are almost identical to your situation: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-acts-like-a-child-when-he-wants.html. There is some very good advice in there for you to consider.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2014): I spent four years turning myself inside out to accept my ex boyfriend and the co-dependent relationship with his mother and sister. He lived alone but they had a say in all his decisions. I tried to be loyal,understanding and giving. It does not work. Forget it. It's up to you how much longer you waste feeling upset and frustrated.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 June 2014):
Then you're not right for each other because this is who he is.
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