A
female
age
36-40,
*uphrasia
writes:Hello. I have been married for almost three years now. When we were dating our sex life was great. My then boyfriend was spontaneous, he would initiate most of the time. But after we got married and I got pregnant our sex life just dwindled. I can count the times we have had sex in the three years. I don't think it even goes to ten times in three years. And most of the times it happened after I complained bitterly. When I am pregnant my husband does not want to have to sex with me at all. I am pregnant again due to the fact that we just fertile not that we have sex regularly. When I was pregnant the first time we had sex once. And after I gave birth maybe five times till I got pregnant again. We can go for months even I a year without sex if I don't complain. I have now reached a point where I am tired. I can't take this anymore. Don't tell me to sit him down and talk about. I have done that already countless times. And frankly I don't want to talk to him about it anymore. I am not ready to open up about this to friends or family because I am ashamed. What can I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2019): Sex is one of the most important thing in married life !
i dnt think anybody can stay in such marriage where there is intimacy between the couple. i agree that after a kid arrives in your life everything changes but sex is also an essential thing to keep you both going together
There is a certain age where u njoy having sex, so do not waste time, either tell him or move on
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2019): I fault you both, for two planned pregnancies while your husband has been unemployed, the whole time! Either you are both foolish or totally stupid! Your husband cannot get hard due to the pressure of unemployment? Getting a job would cure that! He has had over a year to get one, if you are twice pregnant! You must work and earn a living, so what is, or who is your limp dicked hubby doing while you are at work? It really is suspect, that his cock works just fine, to lay you and knock you up, then go limp again, due to the intense pressure of joblessness! Even the best doctors would be puzzeled by how his condition just comes and goes! IMO, your husband may be nice, but he is lazy and he is cheating on you with other women, so there is no juice left for you, until he saves a few batches for you, to get you pregnant again! I feel sorry for you, and I do not mean to hurt you, but I believe that he is playing you. I pray that you and your children will remain healthy! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, euphrasia +, writes (4 July 2019):
euphrasia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it.
and just to clarify some things. yes both pregnancies were planed. And my husband is always the one in the forefront about having kids. He only makes serious effort when he wants to knock me up.
When asked about the lack of sex he blames the pressure from not being able to provide for me and my son and him having to lean on me for everything financially.
We are going to try and go for marriage counseling and see how it can help us.
Again thank you very much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2019): The whole idea of making yourself into a mans porn can be extremely damaging to women. After all , no woman can be all the variety that poem offers and this in itself is why porn can create such issues . I wouldn’t suggest you do this at all or even attempt to . Counselling seems a much more productive route and if he won’t agree them perhaps you should consider some time apart to look at other options
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (3 July 2019):
 Hi...
The other aunts are all correct. Fear of hurting the baby. Not seeing the changes in your body as sexy, and of course PORN being a number one factor.
However...Having all this info can do more harm than good, if handled incorrectly.
You cannot change a man. A man can change himself, but if someone else tries to change him, he will resent you, and eventually leave. You can however TEACH a man how to be different.
You are pregnant...Not dead... And definitely sexy even with your changes. You have to show him this. How?? Go and see what kind of porn he is watching. Find out what turns him on, and make yourself his porn. Take away his need for the internet, and let his eyes focus on you.
If a man has nothing to spark his sexual interest, he will find something or someone else to spark that interest. Women do the same thing, but men are more likely to do it, and faster at doing it.
A lot of men hide their porn watching from their partners, because the fear arguments, judgement, and criticism. The sneaking around, the thrill of not getting caught, becomes part of the whole experience. If you use that same porn to
to your advantage, he will focus on and not porn. Teach him you are all he needs, not the internet.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 July 2019):
 As you give very little detail, it is very difficult to even start guessing at what is going on here. You don't even share what your husband says to you when you complain about not having sex so my responses are just wild guesses in the absence of information.
Was the first pregnancy planned? Did your husband want a child? Did he want the second one? Is it possible he refrains from sex because, as you yourself say, you are both very fertile and he is worried about having more children? I am assuming you don't use contraception.
While some men are turned on by their wives/partners during pregnancy, others are not. Some are fearful of harming the baby. Some have trouble viewing the mother of their child as a sexual being (look up "Maddona-whore complex" for more details).
As I said, just total stabs in the dark here. Hopefully one or more may ring true with you. If not then perhaps a bit more information would help?
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A
female
reader, euphrasia +, writes (3 July 2019):
euphrasia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you wiseowlE for your advice. I like the way you outlined all your points.
my husband is the nicest man I have ever met. He treats me well in all the other areas of our life together. I can't complain about that. I lean on him, he is my rock.
There has been an issue of erectile dysfunction in the past. We talked about it.i insisted that we try drugs. We tried once but he complained about not liking the drugs. he told me the ED was due to the fact that he was under pressure for being jobless at the time and he couldn't provide for his family. My husband has been jobless through out our marriage. I am the so provider. But I don't mind. I have never complained about it. I knew he was in medical school and would soon be done and get a good job. Well he is done with school now and he has a job. If its true about the pressure from being jobless, then things should improve. We will see.
Coming to the issue about porn. I have had my suspicions about that for a while now. I knew before we got married that my husband looks at Porn. I didn't take it seriously. I don't know to what extent he does it. Almost every night he wakes up in the middle of the night. Claims he can't sleep. And goes to the living room to watch TV for a good one hour or two. Goes with his laptop and phone. I haven't had the courage to confront him about it.
I want to suggest marriage counseling and see if it can help us. And I have decided that this is our last child. I don't feel comfortable bringing more children into our relationship with the way things are at the moment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2019): It probably porn which seems to be enough for a lot of men now days . The porn of today is far more extreme and available than it has been at any time throughout history. Men can access any woman , any fantasy at any time at the click of a fingertip and for many of them this seems to make women obsolete. It’s ad though they were using women for sexual I. The past and knew they had to put in the effort but now with such extreme accessible porn available they know they don’t need to lift a finger to have every sexual desire gratified . There is zero effort on their behalf for 100 percent payoff .
The majority of them will never be honest about their poem
Use so asking about it probably won’t work. Also it seems like this guy has got you firmly put into the box of mother and in his eyes this equals non sexual
You need to really think about whether this is the type of relationship you want . You’ve tried talking to him about it before . Have you suggested counselling ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2019): It is likely your husband masturbates to porn and/or he may be having erectile-dysfunction. A lot of men hide when they have trouble maintaining erections throughout prolonged intercourse. Some men decide wives are supposed to behave a certain way when a girlfriend; and another when they become a wife and mother. Sometimes men develop undiagnosed diabetes, and can't figure out why they can't get an erection like they used to. Diabetes causes a collapse in the veins running through the spongy tissues in the penis; and the blood vessels can no longer retain the engorgement of blood. Which keeps the penis stiff and erect.
If you never notice him to have an erection in the morning, or a nocturnal-erection; there could be a problem.
Some men know why, and won't disclose it; and others don't want to know. They will avoid going to the doctor for any reason; or they will not bring it up during a medical-exam. Stupid pride! As if the doctor will look down on him! Not as much as you would; if he treats you like touching you and offering you affection is no longer part of your relationship! He eats, sleeps, goes to work, pays the bills, and tolerates you. No explanation what has gone wrong, no discussion how to fix it...nothing!
Then you have little choice but to decide if he treats you well enough to compensate for the lack of intimacy?
If you sat-down and yelled, complained, and insulted him; then you just made the problem even worse. Now he just doesn't like you, and your bitterness and scorn just upped the tension-indicator that is hurling your marriage towards divorce. There is only one-way to seek tenderness and affection; and that's through tenderness and affection. You can't demand it. If there is no love to motivate it, and no desire to heat it up; then that's where you're at. Name-calling and hitting below the belt is not alluring or seductive! If you fight a lot, that's your problem!
There are many reasons a marriage becomes sexless. Sometimes there is a hidden medical-problem, and more often these days, it's the use of porn.
If the love has left your marriage; you can usually find clues through how you're treated by your mate. How kind you are to him to encourage it? If your man is distant, doesn't spend much time at home, and he seems very aloof, distracted, and always on his phone. He's probably having an affair. If you're a mean, bossy, pushy, vindictive, toxic-person; he just doesn't like you anymore. If he's a mean, toxic, aggressive, and nasty person. Why would you want to stay married or have sex with him?
Marriage isn't meant to be between broken, insecure, or malfunctioning individuals. It's for healthy, mature, level-headed, loving-people. You care enough about each other that you work things out, and you don't hide things from each-other. If there is no trust, or either party is untrustworthy, you will hide things. What is hidden, is often discovered by accident. You may get a negative-reaction without an explanation.
If he spends a lot of time hanging-out with his friends, and behaving as he did when he was 22 and single. He wants to be single again, and he's waiting for you to become disgusted enough to want a divorce. He is avoiding sex to limit having more kids!
If you can't talk to him, he seems very disinterested, he doesn't care to even discuss the relationship, let alone matters in the bedroom; then sometimes marriage-counseling helps. In most cases, the relationship has already declined so badly nothing will help much. In that case, it isn't a matter of sexual-incompatibility or unmatched sex-drive. There is a matter of emotional-detachment; and discovering long after the fact, that you don't really feel love for the person you're now committed to for life.
In some cases, he is gay or bisexual; and his desire towards women has reversed or declined.
Observe and assess how he treats you aside from the lack of sex. Does he show you affection? Is he protective of you? Does he work hard to provide for his family? Does he ever pay you compliments, and bring you little gifts? Does he seem worried and upset when you are sick, and fuss over you until he knows you're better? Is he your rock? If you can't say yes to most of these questions; then don't expect sex to be anywhere on the list of things he wants to give you. He may have found another means of self-gratification; or he just hopes you'll finally decide to divorce him.
We have had some men come to DC suffering from retro-jealousy; so hung-up on discovering their wife's sexual-past, or hearing about her lovers; they can't bring themselves to be intimate with her.
I don't mean to be cruel, and I'm not placing any blame on you. You chose this man as your husband; and you may not have known him as well as you thought you did. Sex is always great during courtship and early-on in marriage; but passion will plateau, and sometimes decline. If he works long hours, he wants sleep. If he comes home to a dirty house, complaining, a screaming kid in a dirty diaper, he cooks all his own meals, and all you both do is yell at each other. What's there to feel sexy about?
He may well be hiding the fact he has trouble with erectile-dysfunction; and it's just a matter of his pride, and he will not admit it. If you're mean and nasty, and your approach to discussing matters is with venom and insults; you'll continue having a sexless and loveless-marriage. He may just hide behind his pride; and simply put-up with the scolding, until he decides he's just had enough of being around you. That's how certain men are.
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