A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have not been so out of wits in relationships...this man totally confuses me to the extent that i have no idea if he is using me, or lying to me, or he is so into me that he worries and withdraws....we met on line and were attracted to each other. he is a very private and extremely busy person so he texted me a lot but hardly had time to meet me. He told me he had been a workaholic and never had time for relationships. I did not realise it was soooo bad but soon realised other than texts there was not much going on. However we did manage to spend one night together and it was ok. After that he kept texting me for a while then suddenly disappeared without contact. i decided that he lost interest and just accepted it. Then i went on a long holiday away from the country.When i came back after a couple of months he got back in touch again and to my surprise he suggested to have a future together. He said he disappeared as he got greater responsibility at work and could not do anything about personal life. He apologized and told me he missed me so much when I was away. I did not know if that was true and I hesitated a while as I still remembered how his action confused me. However I didn't mind going with the flow so I just agreed to keep seeing him with a view for a relationship.I thought we could just date and got to know each other - but I soon realised this was not going to be "normal" as the same pattern happened again. He was again too busy to meet even during weekends. He never invited me to his place, and did not pick up phone call most of the time - although he had responded to texts more and managed to find more time to meet up like twice a week. For a while I suspected he was having another woman in his life so he was so hard to get in touch. But he kept on saying that was not the case. I believed him -there is no point to keep doubting.But this was not all - he also had this habbit of never delivered his promises. If he said he would call me later that meant a few days later; if he said he would take me out to a movie it never happened; if he said we would go for a short holiday together he would have other things (and truly very important things) to get in the way.....So after a few months I still was not getting anywhere in terms of knowing him. I raised this many times, and he kept on saying he was too private, he really was crazy about me, he really wanted me etc etc. He kept on saying he wanted a commited relationship, he only wanted me but he also acknowledged he put in too little....the trouble is he kept on saying all this but never changed in action.The annoying thing was i never suggested anything. He suggested something and set up my expectations. Then he could not do it, or did not do it. To cut a long story short - i told him i could not be commited to him, since he was not available most of the time. He called me out for coffee and told me again he really wanted me. He suggested he would email me telling me how much he felt for me and his suggestions - when I heard this my first reaction was it would not happen. And he texted me the next morning saying the email was done he would send it to me soon. When i joked that i did not think it would happen he texted back saying he was so crazy about me i was not getting it but begged me to read the email when he sent it to me. Guess what? i received nothing that day, the next day, or the following day. I really did not think an email would make much difference - but he did that again...he sounded so sincere when he suggested to send me an email, that I started to expect to see it and hoped that may bring some difference to "us".So when he got in touch by text again, I asked him to send me an email the he promised. He said he did an email but he started to worry I would not believe him. I said just send that email through and he promised again he would do today. I have not received any email today. I just have no clue - if he is lying to me, he could easily write an email to keep me hooked for some more time. Despite his really odd behavior i am not really asking for a full-on relationship so if he did send me an email that would please me...But if he is not lying to me, whay is it so difficult to send an email he claimed he had written to me?And I know he will somehow get in touch again - but just will not send me the email which is the very thing he said he would do. What is wrong?All i know so far is - for some unknown reason I think he does like me a lot. So i guess he has reservations but is reluctant to tell me; or he is just lying to me from day one. Either way - it is odd. And it is even worse when I feel hooked in this mystery. I do like him but I am totally lost. I feel sad but I wish i know what is going on......
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): I am having the same problem as you are with a guy doing the same thing. If a man say he is private could also mean he has few g/f and is not sure if he want to settle down yet. His he old?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): There are literally billions of people in Asia using chopsticks. They have seen forks. They know that forks exist and the utility they provide. Yet they are sticking with the chopstick.
So are you going to ignore that this guy is most likely married?
I agree that his treatment of you is enough to drive you off. But you are still minimizing it, and rationalizing it and looking for a way to excuse it.
Will you be as quick to sweep his treatment of you under the rug if you find out he is unavailable to you because of a wife and kids?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 January 2011):
 I am not surprised that Abella's explanation of the mystery is the one that's more acceptable to you. But, while she makes some very interesting observations, personally I am a bit skeptic. Having been around for many, many years an insanely workaholic husband, and by extension his insanely workaholic friends and colleagues , I have noticed the following :
it's true that work addiction is strictly linked to anxiety and hidden insecurities. These people find through work that measure of control they can't have in real life over their feelings and feelings of people around them. . But, precisely for this reason, they are ,in general, VERY organized people, and very good planners. Precisely because every glitch ,every routine change displeases them, they make very sure there are next to none.
Also, I hope it does not sound classist, but : I have never met a workaholic sanitation worker, or a workaholic valet parker. These people, understandably, go home the second their shift is over. Workaholics in general have high profile, high income jobs - this means they have STAFF to handle details like appointments, ( business and personal ) phone calls, tickets reservations etc. So, no, I would not say
a workaholic is a typical procrastinator or fumbler.
- Workaholics are not at all secretive, at least about their job. Since their firm or practice or business is their real lover, they in fact will talk about their job all the time, in exhausting details. If his time constraints had been due to the stock market, or the collapsing of real estate, or the production of a new TV series or what not.... you would have known,no doubt.
Well, of course I can't bet on it , but , all in all, my sensation is that if there is anything " natural " about this guy, married or single, is that he is a natural born bullshitter.
Anyway, as some posters have pointed out, that's not really the problem; the problem is that, sincere or not, he is totally resistent to give you the time and attention that you want and deserve. Reason for which he is not a person you can be happy with .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking the time to read my lengthy question and provide answers. All the doubts and thoughts came across my mind before.
I appreciate particularly answer posted by Abella - the analysis directed me to the psychological side of the issue. I did some reseach and realised the key of the issue might be that he is not only a "private person" - he is more a workaholic. He told me this before and told me it had affected his personal life a lot to the extent that he did not have much of a personal life without going into details. But i mistakenly thought that workaholic should be efficient on everything hence I never understood the ridiculous procrastinations. And as all the doubts re whether he is a married man etc still linger in my mind I never really register what he said in my mind. I am never sure if I am "in" this relationship, so I am never really knowing what means a clear "out".
Reading all the information i found so far on workaholic/anxiety etc, I related to some points raised there.
It does not help my situation greatly but it does make me understand more about him. I was very annoyed by the inconsistencies of words and actions. now i understand it is probably just natural. Giving ultimatum does not seem to help anyone.
I think I should have an open and honest conversation with him. I am not sure where this "relationship" goes but I will give him and myself the respect i can give on good faith, and see how it works....hopefully he is not lying to me. hopefully we can be happy regardless of whether we are together or not.
I am glad I posted the question - it is good to live and learn...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): What is terrible here is not really whether he is married though I agree it looks like he is.... but is the way you continue to let yourself get treated like this. It must really hurt to be constantly let down like this? Surely this is screwing up your sense of what is real and what is not? Unless you get out of this mess soon then you will forget who YOU really are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): In a relationship if a person is 'too private' it usually means they are married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): This happened to be. I hired a detective. He is married. He doesn't know I know this. I did not confront him. I simply disappeared on him. I went so far as to move to another residence so he couldn't find me. I don't have time for that petty bs.
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A
male
reader, Liebes Kummer  +, writes (20 January 2011):
I was going to ask you how old you were then, i saw you are between 36-40. Now, i'm not making light of your predicament (if i may refer to it as such) but, all the signs are glaringly obvious - your mystery man is MARRIED.
I'm so sorry but, ask him to come clean.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): He is either very odd or he is married. Who works so hard they have no time for a private life at all! He seems to have a problem with emailing you, why?. He can text though - the most minimal method of contact. And of course he says he's not married, pull the other one. Waste no more time being confused. You can't have a relationship based on texting. You are probably not the only girl he's trying to string along. As I say - he's married, or if he isn't he doesn't sound a good bet as a boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 Hell yes he's married!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 January 2011):
It sounds to me like a married guy.
The typical signs are all there : paranoid about privacy. Never invites you at his place ( Do you even have his address ? ) Little free time ,and often busy on weekends too. Won't take phone calls, but will keep contact by text.
Plans things then cancels last minute.
Yep. Probably married, or with live -in gf.
I know you say you asked him if there was another woman and he denied. But, if somebody is out to deceive you and trick you , do you think he'll admit it so easily ? " Are you telling me the truth ? ..." " No, as a matter of fact, I am telling you quite a lot of lies, because I want to take you for a ride ".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): I agree with male anon, this guy is so married.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Reality check here for the girls.
The dude is married.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 January 2011):
 what a confusing man. No wonder you are in a quandry.
Bear with me, but these are my immediate thoughts:
1. He has a severe anxiety/procrastination problem
2. He has no work: life balance. And needs to get that in order.
3. No one is that indispensible that they can't spare a bit of time for pleasure.
4. He may well be too busy with his work, Because he's useless at delegating, poor at prioritizing, and due to anxiety checks and rechecks everything he does. In a word he's not very effective and can't admit it.
5 he's not unreliable on purpose. It's just that he gets himself caught up in and overwhelmed and bothered by minutae such that nothing gets done on time. Demonstrating his poor organisational skills.
6. He's not acting like a normal suitor.
7. When I hear someone saying they are ''a very private person'' I have to stifle a laugh. There are several translations for that term:
#He's private because he's too anxious to communicate normally
#A so called private person is often a person who does not like the people around them.
#some snobs describe themselves as a 'private person' to help explain why they will not talk to mere mortals. These snobs think most people are beneath them
Sorry to have to say it like it is, but I think your guy is always going to get around TOOITT.
But he never actually does?
Never mind his carrot promising a relationship. I don't think he's worth all the trouble.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): I think you should break it off if you are confused it is not good! you should keep your eye out for a guy that can make time for you hope you like my advice!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): I think you should break it off if you are confused in a relationship it's not good. you should keep your eye out for a guy who can make time for you
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