A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy (R) when I was 13 but didn’t like him so we didn’t date. 4 years later we randomly meet again and start talking. From the beginning I considered him a best friend and after a couple weeks of talking he asked me to be his gf. We were together for a month but then he broke up with me because he was still in love with his ex and she had came back into the picture. For 2 weeks they tried dating again but it didn’t work out. I also didn’t speak to him for two months. After 2 months we randomly started talking again and I hoped we’d get back together. 2 weeks later I met a guy and R gave me advice to try to help me be with this new guy, but at the same time R said he wasn’t sure if he still had feelings for me. 2 days later he told me he didn’t have feelings for me so I dated the new guy but that didn’t work at all due to him cheating on me. However because of all the advice R was giving me and advice I gave him about the girls he liked we realized we had become best friends (every night we’d spend 5 hours on the phone talking). 2 weeks later (1 month after we started talking again) we got into a friends with benefits situation for 3 weeks. However at the end of the 3 weeks I felt extremely used and stopped that situation. 3 and a half months go by and during this time we are extremely close. We text all day, talk every single night on the phone for hours, are always there for each other, and I’ve become his only true best friend and hes become one of 2 of my true best friends, the kind of friend you know you’ll have for life, but at the same time I know that I’ve been in love with him since the beginning. I know it was early in the relationship, but I honestly felt I had fallen in love with him a couple days before he broke up with me. Anyways in the 3 and a half months we both date other people and help each other out. At this point the girl he had been talking to for 2 months leaves him because her ex/best friend that shes in love with asks her out and she says yes. R is upset but gets over it fast. R and his mom are really close and she tells him that she bets I like him and that we’ll end up getting married in the future (I’ve known his parents since our first date and am constantly at their house since I’m now best friends with him). Anyways when R tells me this I just laugh cause I don’t want him to know I like him.2 weeks pass and on my bday he gets me the most special gift ever, a necklace with my name and bff engraved on it. I say thank you so much and he says he would only do this for mw because he loves me with all his heart. A week later we hangout and I tell him about a guy I had made out with randomly and he was silent and looked so upset (later on he told me that when I told him his heart dropped and felt like someone had punched him in the stomach). During our hangout we get in an argument about how he lied to me when we were dating. He says he is so sorry and later on asks if I think his mom is right but I change the subject. He leaves and the second he gets home he calls to apologize. He says he wants to tell me something but doesn’t know if he should. He finally says he likes me and I tell him I like him too. He says there's something else he wants to tell me and honestly I know him so well and know his every thought that I’m sure he was gonna say he loves me, but in the end didn’t. We decide to ignore it that we like each other though because hes about to start dating another girl and I’m about to start dating another guy. The next day I tell him that I think I’m the type of girl he could date later on in life (Im a commitment type of girl) but because hes 17 all he wants to do is have fun and date around, he tells me that honestly that’s how he feels. I tell him that I understand but that I can't promise I'll wait for him because who knows what will happen in the future. That night he injured himself and was rude to me on the phone. Later on he sends me a long text saying sorry for being rude, he was just worried about his injury because of the sport he plays. He says sorry again and that the talk we had the night before was just bugging him cause it was hard to have with me. I ask if he regrets telling me and he says yes because everything will change and he doesn’t want out friendship to change, I tell him nothing will change though. The next day he calls me and we have a normal convo for 2 hrs, but then he calls me a pet name and asks to hangout and says we can go to a place we always used to go when we were dating. Later on he says he cant hangout anymore because his parents said no. While we're on the phone he says that his old friends with benefits girl just texted him and wants to have sex. Im upset and actually have been overly emotional the past couple days, and the guy I'm about to start dating tells me to tell R to stop playing games with me (after R told me he likes me I felt like I couldn’t give this other guy 100%, he knew all about R though because we’ve been friends for a long time). So I call R and tell him that all my friends think hes playing me (all of them actually do) and that he doesn’t want a commitment he just wants to have sex with other girls and he said he didn’t deny that (im crying throughout this) I say bye and get off the phone w/o saying I'll talk to him later. He calls me an hour later and apologizes. He says he cares about me so much, he would do absolutely ANYTHING for me and never ever wants to lose me and hopes we‘ll be best friends for life. He says I'm the type of girl he’d wanna be with a few years from now when he's ready to settle down, and that if we got together he wouldn’t want it to be for a bit but for life like laying in bed next to each other holding hands until we’re 99. But right now hes not ready and wants to have fun so we decide to just be best friends and date the people we were planning on dating. However before we get off the phone he tells me that he told his mom about our argument and she told him that he had to fix everything, but she also told him that she thinks I’m in love with him. Instead of denying it (he’d know I was lying) I acted shocked and acted like I’d have to think about that really hard and he also said he’d probably be thinking about what his mom said. In the end we’re fine again and started having a normal conversation. I’m really sorry for this LONG story but I really wanted to get other peoples opinions on this. Does it seem like he actually loves me or are some of my friends right about him stringing me along and playing me? I know I’ve forgiven him when I probably shouldn’t have, but I know I really do love him and I know that he truly does care about me even if it's just as a best friend. Is it stupid of me to hope that years from now we will have our happily ever after? Thank you so much to everyone who reads this and gives your advice!
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best friend, broke up, friend with benefits, get back together, her ex, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice! You made me realize that instead of being upset that his mother knows and tells him everything, I should be glad that in the end she does want her son to be with me.
I definitely will not be FWB with him ever again. Our FWB situation never got to sex though, I'm a virgin and definitely won't give that up to just anyone, but he's had multiple sexual partners and obviously isn't ready to give that up yet. I really hope that he doesn't get a girl pregnant though or receive an STD.
What you said about being available as a fill in, I think that's what I've been doing. Every single time that a girl walks away from him, I'm always there to help him get through it. I want to stay friends with him because he is my best friend but I'm starting to wonder if the pain I've gone through for the past 9 months is worth going through for the next 3 years so that I can be with him in the end. Plus I obviously know that even if I do wait for him it's no guarantee that we will end up together.
As an update he just got into a relationship with another girl, which I just found out through facebook. I probably will not be entering a relationship with the guy I had talked about. He deserves someone that can put 100% effort into a relationship & I can't do that right now.
Again thank you for reading that very long post though and for all the advice!
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 January 2011):
 i think you both care about and love each other very much.
But both of you are not at commitment stage, though you are close. He's not.
His Mom would love him to settle on one girl. She is your ally.
Churning new partners is not productive,
It is not failure if you choose to not go out with others for a while.
It is not failure if you keep talking to each other as friends but choose to not have sex.
Yes, you may well be too young to marry. True you are too young for that.
There is an obvious emotional connection between the two of you.
But he's so busy looking over the fence for the next available girl. It's a teenage boy thing.
He knows he's not old enough to settle down yet.
But playing musical chairs with a string of available girls does not equal relationships. He's missing out on so much. Shallow short term relationships achieve very little, but pain for someone,
Remind him that if he tried a new girl every week for 10 years that's only 520 girls. (yes that's unlikely, by hypothetically possible). Yet 520 girls is just a tiny % of all the girls he could connect and match well with. That's because there are millions of suitors we could be happy with.
But instead maturity is making a decision, about a particular relationship, and sticking to and by that decision.
Because making a good relationship consistently work and get better takes a lifetime to achieve that, with ONE person.
But at 17 he's not mature enough to recognise the mature way of dealing with building a relationship.
Instead he just wants to waste his time.
I realise you like him very much.
But until he's ready to build a relationship he's going to act like a boy, not a man.
You don't have to emulate his behavior, but don't also be available as a fill in, every time he's broken up with one and prior to his moving on to the next one.
You can still talk to him, just don't be his FWB. And pray he does not get one of his FWB pregnant.
Girls mature sooner than guys, so I hope he catches up to your more mature approach soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso I'm sure most of you will find that our age is important in this situation. He just turned 17 a few months ago & I recently turned 18. Overall I've always been mature for my age though & while he's still in high school I'm in my second year of college.
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