A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am having a few problems trying to overcome an abusive relationship and wondered if anyone can help.We split almost a couple of months ago. Within our relationship, though on occasion he could be thoughtful, intelligent and caring, he also had a temper. He hit me several times, punched a hole in the wall, threw things at me. But worse, he undermined me but in subtle ways. I don't think it was deliberate but he could be cruel.I suffered from severe anxiety (which he knew about before we lived together) and he threw me out of his house with nowhere to go. I have lived on my own for the last year but we continued to see each other.On the day we split, he thumped me in the back and threw something at me to get rid of me to get me out of his house. I wasn't an entire doormat, I used to stand up to him but I also got incredibly upset. This only seemed to infuriate him more.Afterward we split, I wanted closure and he informed me that he had fallen out of love with me ages ago. Obviously he was simply using me for companionship and sex when he felt like it. Yet somehow, I thought he felt more for me than that through certain more positive actions.I have never felt as hurt and heartbroken as this.I still had all the same love to give and since we split, I was on a couple of dating sites looking for friends and companionship, not sex.I noted that he was on dating sites looking for women and that hurt like hell. It trivialised me, us, as if I hadn't even existed.If you wish to call it revenge, you may. I created his real profile, the real man that he is, as what he had written was far from accurate, such as respect for others and honest as the day as long.What I said was true and did paint him as abusive and to be avoided but in a very subtle way. When he found out, he went mad! He threatened me and I did take it off.I found out his father has cancer and I wrote to him, I told him that I still cared and that I had remained committed to him and if he wanted a friend, I would always be here.He sent me a cruel email, running me down and saying I was neurotic, dependent, clingy, etc and that there was no right way of breaking up with someone.I stood up for myself for what I thought would be the last time. I sent him a powerful and strong email, declaring that you don't hit a woman, that it was the way he split up with me that was appalling and that this was the last time he could undermine me, as I was free and felt no more commitment to him, etc.I had the most awful email from him; that said he would create a profile about me, it was full of swearing, vile comments about me smelling and terrible things about me abandoning my daughter and things I cannot mention here. He threatened to put this online unless I contacted women who may have seen his profile and tell them that it was wrong!I haven't done this and won't.I think, however, he may have lost interest in this idea as I have now heard nothing from him and I am beginning to think he may have found someone over the weekend or is talking with someone.I think this is related to my main question. Obviously a relationship like this means he used to hardly ever shoulder any responsibility for things that went wrong but I keep imagining him with a woman who is meant to be the opposite of me; as in strong and independent, not clingy.Will any of his traits show up again? Did I somehow trigger this off in him? (I know at least one other girl he hit)I am strong and independent myself, yet he could never see this in me.He is telling his friends that I am a liar and that I wound him up, etc (which is what he said about at least one other ex)I just keep visualising him with a gorgeous woman who is independent and then I begin to think this was my fault. It can be the case that people can bring out the worst in each other and I just wish to face up to the truth. I know he never will but I am emotionally stronger than he is. I want to move on. Can anyone help?
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heartbroken, liar, move on, revenge, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007): I just want to tell you that you need to get over this guy and that he will never change. I cried when I read what you wrote as I have been in the same situation before even down to the being thrown out of the house part. I wanted to go out and he said no, I got dressed anyway and when my friend came around he punched her in the face and threw me out. He then followed me to a nightclub pushed me in front of a car out the front and kicked me repeatedley.
I had no self esteem because of years of being told I was nothing because of him, fat and stupid etc etc (I could go on all day). Sure he was charming some of the time but what I have learnt is that the abuse gets gradually worse and to save yourself you have to get out.
Please get some self respect. Do not even think of dating until you are happy in your own skin. After that particular relationship ended I spent 2 years rebuilding my confidence and my life before I felt ready for another relationship.
If I had of jumped into one right away all the other person would have gotten is a shell of a person.
there is a great website called getalife.com it sounds harsh but it really isnt. You get to meet up with great people looking to make lasting friendships. They organsie all sorts of activities in all area's of australia from camping to cocktail parties. Go on, have some fun, laugh a lot, live a lot.
I know you still feel for this guy but while you are pining for him the feels like he has won and has power over you. The best kind of revenge is to have an exellent life. I wish you all the best and just remember that you are THE BEST and deserve THE BEST.
A
female
reader, burningbridges  +, writes (1 July 2007):
At the moment is sounds like neither of you are behaving. He was abusive and uncivil, but you're being obsessive.
Don't worry about future girlfriends. For all you know his future girlfriend will slap him around. The fake profile was not cool and should have been your wake up call you need to separate yourself from him. He's toxic to your mental health, since you seem inclined to let him continue to insult you long after he should have been a distant memory.
Why were you still bothering to contact him? If he hit you he’s obviously the sort of horrible person you don’t need in your life. Right now you need to work on building that self respect up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2007): Don't let these thoughts become daunting, you may be embarassed about what has happened but it's not the time to isolate yourself from family and friends! "I just keep visualising him with a gorgeous woman who is independent and then I begin to think this was my fault." This is the worst thing to say, finding blame in you - the victim. Your only fault was staying by his side even after the first incident of abuse. Maybe you thought he'd change, maybe you couldn't find strength to leave, maybe the subconscious desire to be commanded or the fear of being alone. The reality is his abuse only became exacerbated finding an environment of toleration. Do NOT for any reason think you triggered off this behaviour in him, he was maybe raised to believe women are not to be appreciated and respected which influenced him to become what he is, a brute. You once tried to show your friendship but obviously he cannot be anybody's friend, and pity the "gorgeus" women who will accept him, you know how that feels. Set your boundaries, remove your presence from his world completely and do not accept such disrespect in the time to come. Repeat yourself, "I can be independent, I can manage."
You can start by not dicussing with him, returning to him all the memories he left you, things he bought, that remind you of him. You are to start a new epoch, so look forward. You say you have a daughter? Would be a good idea to spend more time with her, and meet your friends more often, or do in your spare time what pleases you the most, trips, hobbies. "You can be independent, you can manage." Much care.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 July 2007):
 This is a complex situation. I wouldn't like to be in your shoes.
In view of all the things you have gone through, I don't think keeping in touch with him would be a good idea. If I were you, I would simply try to live a life in which he will have no part. In this way, the past will be the past.
Eventually you'll have someone else in your life. Try to avoid repeating the same mistakes. I have the feeling that you still think about him because this is your way to get something in the way of attention or affection. A Spanish song goes like this: "tear me apart, kill me, break me to pieces, but please don't ignore me...". I have the feeling this is what was happening with you. You shouldn't allow anyone to abuse you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (1 July 2007):
 First off you stated that you two split up already and I know you don't want to hear this, but, you just need to let him lead his own life and you need to live your's. If he was abusive, and I am sure he was, you probably should have filed charges against him even though I know it would have been hard to do because you love him....and that's why most women don't. But being in an abusive situation that would happen more then once is not where someone is thinking with their right mind and probably didn't love you, but what you could do for him. Whether he is with gorgeous women or not, you need to just let that go and pray that the next "victim" will figure him out on her own. What you need to worry about is you and your affairs. Probably seek some counsiling. I had all the above, but was with an alcholic and sought my help through ALANON and with my own family. I am a VERY strong, independent person and always have been. I have solid friendships with many of my girlfriends and we get together a lot. I date, but it took me over a year before I did. I needed to really get my own head on straight as well for the damage he did to me before I moved on with unsettled business as I call it. I keep my self busy with things I like to do and enjoy. Think of all the things you like to do and act on them....go to the gym, be creative and make something like a decorator would, write in a journal, read some self help books, find things you like to do....but seek some sort of professional counsiling. My prayers are with you and good luck my dear!
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A
female
reader, Agony Aunt Saskia +, writes (1 July 2007):
If you have already made up your mind about moving on then start now. this man sounds like he is never going to change for anyone. Even if he has met a strong, independant woman as you put it, that doesn't mean he won't break her down emotionally like what he has done to you and the woman you know. People like this have two personalities, the angry demonic side of them that you are scared to even breathe infront of, and the gentle, caring side that makes you think 'that was just a one off it will not happen again, he loves me'. You even believe yourself to be 'clingy' just because he called it you, what else do you believe you are just because an insecure man has said them through rage?. Domestic violence is terrible and should'nt be allowed to happen to men or women. As soon as he had hit you or thrown things at you you should have gone straight to the police and had a restraining order against him, you may still be able to do this if you tell them you have no intention of getting involved with him again but you are petrified he is not going to leave you alone to move on with your life. Break off all contact with this man, delete e-mail addresses and phone numbers. I know it will probably be a long time until you trust a man again but you must remember not all men are like him. There are plenty of decent ones out there who are looking for a woman like you.
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