A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for just over three years now, and it's my first long term relationship. We've had our ups and downs just like anyone. Recently we had a heart to heart, he went out to lunch with a girl who he had been deleting messages and didn't tell me. He explained that I wasn't there to tell as I was on holiday and it was all innocent. As for the messages he said he didn't want the hassel as I had been feeling insecure and new I would question him. I believed him and I still do and we started getting on really well both agreeing to communication. However he then went out to dinner with her knowing I wouldn't be happy if it was just the two of them. He lied to me and to,d me he was at home when my friends spotted him out. Again I confronted him and he's apologised, there no longer friends as he said he nos he has crossed the line and needs to put me first.i would like to mention I did not forgive him easily. He explained himself by saying it was meant to be a group dinner when the other person cancelled and he panicked. However he still lied to me and never mentioned the dinner. He claims he has never cheated and I do believe him. But he has still hurt me. He is trying so hard now to make it right asking for one last chance. He is putting me first and treating me amazing but I'm scared ill be walked all over if I forgive him. Am I doing the right thing to give a second chance.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 September 2013):
 Wasn't something that happened in the heat of the moment, I meant.
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (18 September 2013):
Your boyfriend's indiscretion was something that happened in the heat of the moment. It was a pattern of behaviour sustained over a period of time.
OP, there is a Latin expression that, in English, means 'to a willing person no wrong is done'. It's kind of like 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me'.
Put aside the sucking up he's doing now, your boyfriend has given you reason not to trust him. If you're going to continue giving him additional chances then I'm afraid you deserve what you get.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 will you give him a third chance? you'd better not.... cause he's going to need it and ask for it...
fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. he's nailed you TWICe with the same girl.
what you have taught him now is that you will forgive and look the other way so as long as he makes empty promises and cries his crocodile tears and begs you will take him back. BTDT...this will be YOUR LIFE WITH HIM...
the next time he will beg even harder and promise even more that he will never do it again... LIAR. CHEATER. LIAR. that is your response...
but he's lying and cheating and hiding things from you and will you even ever trust him any more?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 September 2013):
 Sorry, but I'm going to add one more comment: OP your situation with your dishonest bf reminds of those card member services who robot call you claiming, "there is nothing wrong with your account, but we are calling to help you lower your credit card rates. This is your second and final chance".
They are LYNG - it's more or less the 5th or 10th time they've called in the last few months - and if you tell them not to call again, they hang up. The only way to deal with them is to put them on the National Do-Not-Call Registry.
Now, how does this scenario remind you of your bf's behavior?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 September 2013):
Thinking of giving him a second chance? You ARE?? What FOR??!
Enough said - the other aunts and uncles have given you all the feedback you need.......
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 September 2013):
He's putting you first and treating you amazing until you take him back. He'll soon be treating you the same way he did for better or worse.
That means that you need to address his deception or it will happen again. What really happened? And just as importantly WHY did it happen? Is he bored? Are you neglecting his needs, whatever they may be? Is he insecure? Or is it that he's just a dishonest cheater? That's not to say that this excuses his behavior. What he did is wrong no matter what. But if you really want to stay with him you have to forgive him and figure out his reasoning/motivation for doing this.
Failure to do this will ensure it'll happen again. The reason is that he didn't just make a mistake, he disregarded your feeling and went on a date with another person two times THAT YOU KNOW OF.
My guess is that he confessed "going to lunch" because he felt guilty about being intimate as well and needed to confess to something to lessen the guilt. I may be wrong but I've been in that "naive first love" situation before.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 Yeah by now you are sick and tired of hearing it but, no , your bf's antics aren't ups and downs just like anyone ( btw, that " anyone " has a history of ups and downs is just an untrue platitude that people tell themselves to sweep relationship troubles under the rug, but that's another story ).
And, as Chigirl points out , this is not his second chance , it's his third.
What can we say ? I guess you realize yourself that when a guy has been caught twice in the very same indiscretion , it's imprudent giving him the chance to screw you over a third time. But, from your post it feels like you are already very oriented toward giving him one more chance, so go ahead but , please, at least promise us you won't give him a fourth one !
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 Yeah I have to add in with the same, lying and cheating (going behind your back, it is what he did) isn't "ups and downs like everyone else". It's a deal breaker.
No, he probably doesn't deserve a THIRD chance. Remember, you already forgave him once, and he got his second chance, and he did what with that chance? Lie to you, right to your face, that is what he did with his second chance. Now he's begging for a third chance because he wants his cake and eat it too, not because you're actually that important to him.
But sure, go ahead and give him your heart in his hands again, see what he does with it third time around. But you above anyone else knows his track record. At some point you need to overrule your feelings for him and think with your head instead. You are responsible for taking care of yourself, is being with this man really in your best interest? Is he looking out for YOUR needs, and not only his own? You know the answer to the question. At this point it isn't about showing him faith and hoping he will not lie again, at this point it's about taking a stance: is this lying and cheating okay with you? If yes, then stay with him. If no, then leave.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 September 2013):
 This is going to become a pattern for you and for him.
He will do as he pleases and keep it from you. Until you somehow find out. Then he will apologize, lie and, turn it around on you til you forgive him.
IF you plan on staying with him, sit down and talk boundaries.
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