A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:At what point do you start to split the bills, if you will, when dating? I'm 3 weeks or so into it with this girl, and I'm starting to really feel the burn on my wallet. I know she's not a "gold digger" and I'm almost more than certain she'd be fine paying for things too. Thing is, I am not sure about when/how to bring that touchy (for some) topic up. It seems most of society agrees that a man should pay for everything. At least, for the first few dates, right? We have to do all the courting... the buying of dinner, movie tickets, flowers, etc. I don't mind that at all. Especially with this girl I'm sort of seeing now, because I'm really into her. Probably too much though, because I am paying for EVERYTHING. Trouble is, she's highly successful. She's younger than me, but even has her own house by herself. Makes 2-3x as much money as I do, and is much better off financially speaking. I don't want to appear "broke" to her, that's another thing, so I guess I keep forking it out for everything. She offered one time at a restaurant if I wanted her to give me some money for the bill (maybe 4th date?), but I said "no it's fine "So when/where do you draw the line fellas? I'm sure some of you will say it should be 50/50, but that's too easy of an answer. Perhaps once you're in an established relationship, sure. But initially? In the "courting" phase?I'm going broke! And I know she's way better off than I am.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): Just go on dates you can both afford. There's no rule for who pays for what as long as you're both fine with it. If not then you both just need to find someone that suits you. And that's fine! Good luck.
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (18 September 2013):
Well yeah, it's customary when you're dating a woman that you pretty much pay for everything. You are the one asking her out.
BUT, I could see it as being a little difficult figuring out how you would bring up to her that she needs to help out a little.
I would suggest, do something that doesn't involve money or much money at all. Go for a hike, watch a movie at home...whatever. Or suggest one of those things and let her know you're a little tight on funds but still want to see her. Maybe then, she'll get the hint that dating is expensive and will be more persistent in wanting to chip in on future bills.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): Well, your every girl's dream guy. I mean you are so gentleman, and guys like you is like a real diamond. regardless if your ugly or super handsome.
ok going back to your concern,
When to split the bill? there is really no time frame for a very awkward issue. I mean, once she offers to pay for the bill, let her do so. because she means it.
A true gentleman will not say, can we split the bill because yada, yada, yada. If your not comfortable letting her pay then don't date her if you can't afford it.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 You draw the line before you're broke.
I think you should have let her pay part of the bill when she offered. Don't pretend to have more disposable income than you really do; if this is leading anywhere, you should be honest from the start.
I never, ever expect a guy to pay for everything. If he insists then I will accept, but even then I'd really rather pay half and I will offer to pay for next time.
I agree with Tisha, take a little step back and let her start arranging and paying.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 September 2013):
 Well stop doing things that are so expensive if you don't want to ask her to pay.
She offered... you declined. she may think you have more money that you do...
when my now hubby and i were first starting he paid for everything the first couple of months but after we got settled and serious we
a. split things more
and
b. did cheaper things.
every meal does not have to be an a la carte steak house...
how about a museum or a picnic
or a saturday matinee (movie or play even)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2013):
 "Sort of seeing"? As in, she's seeing other people and you're seeing other people as well? Or as in, she's consenting to go out with you after you beg her to allow you to escort her places? Or as in, she wants to take her time before she says "yes, I'll be your girlfriend"?
She offered to pay at least partially on one date; you brushed her off. Next time, say yes to that.
Who is doing the asking out and date arranging? If it's all you, now it's time to back off and let her organize a date.
You could simply try leaving the bill on the table for a bit, go to the restroom and see if she picks up the tab.
If you are really going broke then maybe it's time to arrange cheaper dates. Go on a hike and pack a picnic lunch. This could be really romantic if done right. Don't do the usual, get outdoors.
Hay rides, helping with the grape harvest at a winery, art museum, free concerts, volunteering at an animal shelter or food bank, there are so many free or inexpensive activities out there.
If she doesn't step up to the plate and suggest a date activity herself, well, maybe she enjoys the attention but knowing you're only "sort of seeing" her, she's not investing anything more than that.
Oh, and skip the flowers for now. You're overdoing it if you show up with a bouquet of flowers for every date.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): In today's age, everything is expensive for everyone - so after an initial date to impress your girl, from then on you can share the bill and when there is a special occassion, you can foot the bill again.
In your case especially, she is earning more than you, is more financially stable, so stop trying to impress before you go bankrupt. If she cares about you, she will agree to share.
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A
female
reader, ModelCitizen +, writes (17 September 2013):
Honestly, I have never expected a man to pay everything for me at any stage of the dating process. It's nice to be treated now and again of course, but I would always offer to pay at least half and would never expect anyone to pay my way. I earn my own money so why should I expect someone else to spend all of theirs on me all the time? That doesn't sit right with me at all. The next time the bill comes round I think you should ask her to go dutch with you. Any decent and self respecting woman would be happy to do that since you've been more than generous so far. But please don't continue to drain your finances on this girl as I'm sure she doesn't expect it from you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): Hi, I am the old fashion type and like to be spoilt by my man. If I dated someone that had financial constraints, I would agree to foot the bill. Hey, society has changed and expect to treat men and woman alike and that includes sharing the bill.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): 3 weeks is entirely too soon to expect a woman to pay on dates. What is missing is honesty. If she is asking to go to a certain place often that she likes n its too expensive for u, suggest going somewhere cheaper and explain to her why. If ur the one asking to take her x y z bc u like her so much then u should pay bc ur inviting her out with u as in treating her. Also do now only what u can keep up. If only once a week u can afford to take her out then do so but dates don't always require a lot of money, get creative on new ways to date a female. Otherwise u will not only be predictable but boring. Continue to pay but go out on dates u can afford. It's not impressive when a guy shows off and then turn around and ask his lady to front some money. Have the talk and discuss this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): No, chi girl, American men are the first one to go Dutch. OP is very unussual in this matter. In Europe men build into their budget: it calls courting. But, if a man doesn't have much money he picks not expensive dates. My husband when we were dating didn't even have a job, was in a process of looking, and I was a student. He took me for hot chocolate, and then movie, which then was very cheap. Then we did all kinds of stuff that didn't involved much money, like going for ice cream, or walk In a park, or go to the beach. We never did any restaurants, because non of us had any money, but anyway everywhere we went , he paid. I understood right away he doesn't have much, and because I wanted to be with him, I was fine with even staying home and watch TV.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 I guess you'll have to speak to some American friends of yours, because I've never had a man treat me to things on a date until I met my current boyfriend. But he treats his friends and family and even random strangers too, so it's not like his generosity is because of any "dating"-culture.
If you can't afford to pay/don't think it's reasonable that you pay for her, then just stop already.
However I would take into account if you're well off and she's a student or similar, and you only want to go do pricey things that costs tons of money. If your suggestion is to eat out then I'd think it is normal courtesy to pay her dinner, if you know she doesn't have an income of her own (if she's a student).
But seriosuly, as your American friends about this because this is NOT a universal thing, Norwegian women never get spoiled like this. Probably because we earn our own money, whereas in the US women rarely have decent paying jobs that can be compared to a mans.
Btw, my boyfriend treats me to things NOW, 2 years into a relationship. He didn't treat me to as much when we were just dating, so I don't follow your logic on why you should pay her way when you barely know her, whilst once in a relationship you should.. what, never be nice to her? Seems the opposite should be the case. Pay her way when you want to be nice, let her fend for herself until you know she's worth investing your time (and money) into..? Just my foreign thought on the matter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): By this time it would be nice of her not to let you pay for everything. Especially if you guys are doing expensive dates, like restaurants, concerts and so on. I don't like an idea of splitting a bill, but may be taking turns somehow. 3 weeks is plenty for her to realize in what finances you are in. I don't think you made a mistake though for not accepting her partial money for the bill. She could just pay it by going to the bathroom and paying so you wouldn't know. Frankly, I don't believe in paying 50/50. But by now she should know better to do something for you also. May be buy those concerts tickets, or invite you to her favorite restaurant and pay for it, or take to her favorite bar and buy you couple of drinks. I really don't know how you can bring it up. The only way you can do is to very softly mention it to her, or stop taking her to expensive dates, may she ll get the message.
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