A
female
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*talie
writes:Does anyone else's man make a lot of female friends and how do you cope with it?My boyfriend has always made friends easier with women than men and I knew that when I got into the relationship but I still find it difficult to cope with when a new name appears.An additional problem is that, because of the way I have acted in the past (causing major fights etc), he keeps things from me now (texting when i'm not there/deleting any texts) and when I find things out I feel he is being secretive and has something to hide. I can understand that he does this for a quiet life but obviously it makes me suspicious. I am seriously at the end of my tether but I dont want to split up the relationship if i'm over reacting. He only goes out occasionally outwith work (one night every 2/3 months or more) and if he's late from work it's only by 15 minutes so I dont think he can be cheating on me but its the thought of what's in the texts that sends my stomach churning. I just think that if a guy were texting me then I would take it as him showing interest then if she shows interest something could easily happen. I'm sick of not trusting him and I hate this feeling in my stomach but I dont know how to fix it. If I dont trust him should I just finish it or will I just be the same in my next relationship?? I've never caught him cheating or have any real reason not to trust him. He has lied to me a few times but it has been things like "Have you been texting J?" and him saying no when I know, because of my snooping, he has. Again, him trying to avoid another explosion. We have spoken about it on numerous occasions and I've explained that I need to feel that we are being open/honest with each other but he says he has tried that and bringing up J's name in normal conversation still causes an argument - which, admittedly, it does. I know I obsess about it but how do I stop??If this issue would go away our relationship could be great. Thanks for your help.xx
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female
reader, Italie +, writes (15 November 2006):
Italie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all your help and advice. I've had a few good talks with him even suggesting that we split up for a while to see if he wants to go out with any of them but he says he doesnt. He admitted that he probably is seen as being flirty with them but he is the type of personality that's always joking about so I guessed he'd be like that anyway and at least he admitted it I suppose. He says the girls know what he's like and that he's not seriously flirting, just having a laugh and they dont take it seriously. He says he'd never cheat on me and doesnt see why it's so bad that he texts this girl who he sees as nothing more than a friend. He doesnt even see her socially very often. I just cant stop thinking about it. I know he hasnt/isnt cheating but it's the potential that they get closer that scares me - am I crazy for getting so worked up about something that may happen? He promised me that if he ever has reciprocated feelings for anyone then I'll know(i.e split up) before anything happens. I just wish these insecurities/feelings in the pit of my stomach would go away. I know if he is happy at home then nothing will happen with her but I feel as though i'm constantly miserable and I know I'm going to push him away. I know I need to be happy with him as he isnt cheating and if something happens, which I cant control, I deal with it then but I just cant push these thoughts to the back of my mind. It's so draining.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006): Im so with you on this on. My boyfriend even had a meal in his flat and watched a dvd with his female friend, I nearly vomited when he told me this. And yes when I get jealous it causes rows and upset, I to think maybe I should end the relationship as it actually makes me misrable. But now I have decide dont get mad get even. So I have drummed up a male friend and he is coming over this week for a drink. Two can play at that game!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): hi, i know exactly how you feel, everyday my boyfriend of 2 years comes home from work, and sits down, he has his phone constantly besides him and if a texts comes through and i ask who it is he gets angry, i feel i must stop to keep the relationship going but i just can't, my boyfriend hates the way i am and usually tries to reassure me that he would never cheat on me, i am a very jealous person, i cant stand him reading male magazines or looking at women in the street, and recently as we get close to our 3years of being together he seems to be fading away from me and saying things to hurt me, i think that to keep your relationship strong you must stop checking up on him, ask him to be honest and tell him that you love him and make him reassure you too, you have to begin to trust him, by boyfriend has never cheated on me, but people have cheated on me in the past this may be why both me and you feel like this, please try and trust him, otherwise reassess the situation and decide if you really think this relationship is for you xx please update xx
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A
female
reader, Lemonpixie  +, writes (26 October 2006):
 Maybe you can meet his female friends and hang out, most times that can ease feelings. Stop snooping!!!! It's making things worse... female friends can be a great thing, they give advice that can sometimes be to your benefit!! My boyfriend is not the talk about your feelings type... so i know where you are coming from because it kills me when I want to give him the 3rd degree about girls @ work that he occasionally hangs out with or a night out with the guys, but he seemed to become more open and honest when I didn't grill him. Also don't worry about girls he's telling you about! If he was cheating he would probably want to hide it... So he most likely has no interest in the girls he talks about hanging out with.
In short, ask to hang out with his friends every once in awhile, get to know them, warm up to them and be really sweet... it will also deter them from liking your man!
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A
female
reader, Evangeline +, writes (26 October 2006):
 Firstly its important to remember that it is a good thing that your partner has female friends. It gives them a good insight into the opposite sex without him having a sexual relationship - this is something that is essential. Growing up with women e.g. sisters or having friendships with women improves the way men deal with intimate relationships. Its a good thing as he has had the 'practice' at communicating with the opposite sex. The more female friends purely means the better he is a coping with a relatioship with you and your needs.
Being jealous about this is absoulutely understandable! It is hard in relationships for you to watch your partner make new friendships with the opposite sex (but from experience it is especially hard for women!) Don't be too worried about this!
However there are ways you can cope better with it, which makes you feel more confident and benefits the relationship. Don't read his messages as anything found will look suspicious - if you dont trust him you'll instantly blow out of proportion anything you read sent from other women, it is not hard for perfectly innocent text messages to be interpreted as something else. It is important to trust him on this; this is most probably why he appears to hide things from you, because he knows you will react to anything small and he doesnt want to hurt you. Try and have the confidence to know he loves you and wants to be with you, - as he is open about his friends, namely j's, it is a sign there is nothing going on as he is relaxed and confident enough about the friendship i.e. he hasnt got anything to hide.
Hope this helps
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): Hiya
I do sympathise with you, my ex boyfriend worked with lots of women and had tons of female friends including an ex wife and ex girlfriends! who is this J? his phone was frequently going with texts and stuff and i just did my best not to let it bother me and just be supportive. Although i dont agree with him hiding stuff from you, it is his private business and men always get defensive if they think you are accusing them of anything (even if they are innocent!). I had previously been quite a jealous person with a different boyfriend and it just eats you up. With the recent ex with all the female friends i made a decision never to look at his phone because i know how texts from other people can be taken the wrong way and i didnt want to not trust him. On a more serious note, i do think that maybe you should reconsider this relationship, trust is at the heart of everything and deepdown maybe you dont trust him. Thats not your fault, its just the way u feel and it doesnt mean you wont trust the next man your with, hopefuly he will make you feel more secure. Because i was like a different person with these two relationships and i had no control over why. I know my ex really appreciated my lack of jealousy and grief about other females, and am sure that is one of the reasons we are still friends now. Unfortunately his new girlfriend has similar issues to you about our friendship!
Good luck whatever you decide. try to update if you can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): This is a difficult one. If he hasn't cheated on you in the past then really you should have no reason to doubt him. You obviously have trust issues, maybe this has been because someone has cheated on you in the past and this is making you feel insecure in your current relationship. I know what this feels like as I have experienced it myself and it is a terrible situation to be in as the emotions you feel are dreadful and ultimately destructive. Snooping on someones phone and questioning them are surely going to make their lives a misery as well as yours. You have a few options here, talk to him and discuss how upset the situation is making you feel. I'm sure if he cared for you then you could reach some sort of compromise. Secondly you could ask to meet his friends, maybe you could get to know them and realise that they are not a threat to your relationship. Maybe your partner is feeling insecure in the relationship and making you feel jealous is his way of reassuring himself that you do love and want him. The only way to deal with it is to sit down and talk openly together, but you must avoid showing anger as this will only push him away and he will never see your side of things. Ultimately if all else fails then you must consider that this relationship is not really for you.
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