A
male
age
51-59,
*aspian
writes:I have been married for 10 yrs have 2 children but have had an all but non existent sex life during the marriage. I have tried seducing her buying presents doing all the household chores and even explaining that i will have to walk away from the situation. I love her completely but have now developed feelings for someone at work and to my shame i am acting on them . My work colleague knows i am married and i do not want to fight these feelings i have for her. I am wrong in doing this?
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female
reader, Trinny*  +, writes (6 March 2008):
Cheating is taking the easy way out here.If you really still wanna make this work, talk to her and be honest even if you think it will hurt her. She deserves to know how you feel and what you need. See a therapist together if you need to, just do all you two can to save this first. If all failed then walk away knowing you've done all you could have done and start dating with no guilt.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): I've read all the posts. You love your wife that is obvious. Some women (including myself). Need things put bluntly in front of their face. I will bet money she has no clue that something is wrong. Infact I will bet she will be hurt that you have taken so long to say something. If you want your marriage be PAINFULLY HONEST. "I cant take this! I want to hold you! feel you! make love to you! I WANT YOU !!! Tell her how you feel. Don't throw away something some can only dream about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): I agree. It is unfair on everyone to enter into another relationship whilst still being with your wife. You have a long marriage behind you and you owe it make a decision either way first. When my husband told me he wanted out (mid life crisis - wanted to be alone etc.), he was in contact with another woman. Believe me - another woman will tell you everything you want to hear if they think their is a chance to get hold of a man. They will sympathise and show compassion as they know that is what you want to hear. If you truly do not love your wife anymore then make a break first before entering into another relationship. If on the other hand you do love her then try and talk to he and be totally honest about how you have been feeling and what is missing. If she wants to keep you she will be shocked into making much more of an effort in all areas. Maybe bringing the sexy flirtatious side back to your marriage first may encourage the sex side to follow.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): u r married. Don't it is not worth it. Leave first. Not fair to do to your family. It is hurtful and will make things worse. U owe it to your wife to leave and let her move on. Obviously she is missing something which in turn effects you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): Yes you are.
Ask your wife to go to Relate with you. Presents don't make up for other things. You need to find out what is troubling her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): Hi, I read a similar post on here a couple of days ago, and wrote a response on there yesterday (28th Feb): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wifes-low-sex-drive-is-driving-me.htmlPlease don't cheat on your wife until you've tried the solution which has worked for my hubby and I.If your wife is like me, she would be devastated.L
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): you are so wrong in doing this there is never an excuse for cheating never! if you are married or in a commited relationship it dosent matter. If you love your wife like you say you do then you wouldnt cheat and if you dont love her like that you need a divorce because there is no point in leading her on like that. I dont think it is your fault at all sometimes realationships just die. I know my parents are divorced and honestly you need to think of your kids. Your wifes feelings matter alot but your kids lives really mean the most. I know for a fact that you and your kids will have a more healthy and enjoyable childhood and life all together if you dont cheat because those you think never will find out allways do and they are allways the ones that mean the most. Think carefully before you do anything! Your life and your overall happiness are worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): Hi Hun
T.T.M Has said it all she may need a doctors advise hun, and a good sit down heart to heart with you and things could be very different HOPE IT WORKS OUT TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): The 2 of you need to find out what is behind her lack of desire for sex. If she is also in her late 30s then she should have a good sex drive, at least per my experience with women who I dated at that age or ones who I have talked to. Her lack of desire could be either physical or emotional.
The physical reasons could be a hormonal imbalance. She needs to see a doctor to determine if that is the case. A lot of people don’t realize that testosterone drives a woman’s libido, not just a man’s. The levels are lower for women, but do exist.
By emotional I mean a hang-up that she has about sex or something that you do to decrease her desire for sex with you. For instance, my wife has always liked sex, but there were times that I said something to her that hurt her. I didn’t even realize that I had done that, but it would turn her off to having sex with me for a few days. Fortunately, this didn’t happen often, but it did happen a couple or few times a year. We finally talked about it and resolved the problem by talking about it when I said something wrong. Sometimes she misunderstood a joking remark and sometimes I said something hurtful.
I believe that a good sex life is necessary for a good marriage. I can understand your desire to find sex any way that you can. You can’t get what you need at home and you need to find it in some other way. However, the right way to find the sex that you need is to find out what is wrong with your relationship with your wife, be it physical or emotional, and solve the problem. You both have to be very willing to do this. A doctor is needed to determine if there is a physical reason. The 2 of you need to work on the emotional reasons and seek counseling if necessary. If neither of these work, then you will have to decide if you want to risk the marriage and hurt the children by having or continuing the affair. She may still accept you or she may not if you go through with it.
Have you told her about your desire for an affair to get the sexual attention that you need? If so, what was her reaction? Did you discuss it further? I told my wife once that I had a desire for an affair. She asked me a few questions and we discussed it for over an hour. There was no anger and she tells me that she was not hurt by it. She just wanted to understand why and if I would tell her and discuss it if the opportunity ever arose before I did anything. However, we have a great sex life and that admission has not decreased her desire to have sex with me and she has not treated me differently since. I have also never seeked out an affair, as it never went past the desire stage.
You really need to talk to her about your feelings if you have not already. If you have already had this affair then I believe that it is best to admit it and work to resolve the problem and hurt that it might have caused. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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male
reader, davie +, writes (29 February 2008):
Maybe you should tell your wife how you're thinking and feeling - that might be the jolt she needs to realise just how serious this is. If she doesn't feel like sex for some reason she should go to the doctor.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Hi There,I think you owe to both women to end things with your wife before moving on to the new lady, or to end things with the new lady and stay with your wife.These are the only 2 honourable options, it's that simple.Good luck x
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female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 you mentioned saying something to your wife about this, wat was her response? please dont cheat - you have children involved in this and you dont want to expose them to the nastier side of marriage. you say you love your wife, but are you 'in' love with her? if not then i suggest talking to her and telling her how you feel - she may feel the same way. i think that you should refrain from acting on your feelings with this other woman until you talk to your wife and telling her how you feel. there is never any justification for cheating - no matter wat the circumstances. i do understand your situation and i empathise with you, but please talk to your wife first. good luck and email me if you want
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Please don't cheat. Please seriously think about what it will mean. Please understand that if you do, it will change you forever, I MEAN FOREVER. If you will indulge me for a moment, with a bit of my story, as being someone perhaps like your wife, who hopefully you still love and want to stay with;
I was incredibly happy, yes we had had some problems, not so much with the relationship, but more about life and stresses and strains which seem to compond. But I had tremedous confidence that my man and marriage was safe and secure. He made my knees wobble still when I saw him! Loved him to bits! I felt safe and secure even if my life had some uncertainties, he was my rock and always gave me that impression and feeling of security.
When I discovered that my husband had an affair, with a friend, my first reaction was to be physically sick. I was totally and completely crushed.
The tears didn't stop flowing and still have not, now nearly 10 months after the affair was discovered. I went into shock, my tounge swelled up and cracked, I couldn't eat anything for 3 weeks, only liquids. I lost 2 stone in weight, due to my having only fairly recently been afflicted with MS, I had a major relapse 3 months after I found out, I spent a week in hospital, was on pured foods, couldn't walk or talk for 2 months. The doctors said my body was in shock. The damage of the stress in knowing that the man I was terribly in love with and felt so secure about was shattering. I was unfortunate to have an illness which is unfortunately badly effected by my state of mind. Others may not have had such a reaction but in a way, my reaction was the same as others in my shoes, but the benefit of the illness was that the emotional impact it was visible.
It has screwed my mind up totally about what life and relationships are all about. I lost all my confidence, feel still, undesirable and not worth my husbands love and attention. Ridiculous thoughts and feelings are now part of my world. I will never be the same, but I will survice.
I know now that his affair was about him and his inadequate and inappropriate ways of handling problems. He chose this route to feel good or get a rush and buzz which he was missing. So it was not about me but about him.
The affair has ended for him. He feels sorry and guilty about what he has done to us. For him it is over and mostly because he got caught. He realises the "mistake", - which is what you will call it down the track - has caused tremendous and possibly irrepairable damage, to me, and our relationship. We struggle daily to reconnect. Maybe one day we will. We have a difficult time now sexually. Everything has changed for me. I no longer have respect for him. I have re-evaluated my prioritys and my choices. But I have been left with huge scars some will diminish and others are going to be quite permanant. We may not make it, which is sad, particularly when it starts with what a cheater considers nothing serious.
I am still very angry that his actions and his decisions, that he wanted to share the intimacy we had with someone else. There is no sorry or excuse which will ever make that something I am comfortable with. A husband is someone I should be able to trust my life with, have my back and be a team player. To know you have married someone who has the ability to lie, have other agendas and destroy something he always said was special and precious all for a romp in the hay is sad. Not easily fixed when it occurs.
We could have been fixed and not had this problem, if he was prepared to talk to me and not keep things inside. If he had taken that approach before he decided to cheat, I would probably say to you today, I love him more and more everyday. But not so, and now I say to myself "what is it that you loved again?"
The damage of an affair, infatuation and flirting is all too often unseen or unspoken. The scars left to the innocent partner are there forever, we just learn how to live with them. The person who cheats or decieves, say sorry, starts to justify why they did it, "of cause you had a good reason to cause this damage" It is your right - of cause it is, if your wife gets damaged along the way, that's not going to be my fault, she didn't come up with the goods so what can a guy do!"
They say people cheat for all sorts of reasons. Like I say there is always an excuse. Sometimes it is for a person to receive some sort of self esteem boost. Wanting to be wanted and or they are a bit bored. The thing is that when you make these decisions which you justify to yourself, you go ahead and do something you later reflect on and regret. Then all hell breaks loose, firstly in your mind. The self esteem boost or feeling of a rush with the excitment, starts to diminish and you are left, as the cheater, wondering what the hell you got yourself into. Even if your wife didn't find out, you know and you will have to live with this decision.
I am sick of telling people off in a way now, for bad form.
You have to live with yourself if you go down this track. Maybe you could, I don't know. Hopefully not.
Go and stand in front of a mirror, holding a photo of your wife and kids and then tell them that you want to fuck the chick at the office and would it be okay with them. Tell your kids that daddy does love mummy but he can't fight his desire for the chick at the office. Tell them it won't mean that you love this chick and that it is only sex.
Then you could go through another situation in front of the mirror, this time to your wife and ask her if she will forgive you if you go ahead. Tell her in the mirror that it really has nothing to do with her or your life together but you need to betray her as you have had no other options and can't handle your life with her as it stands.
If you have the ability to cope with the last two paragraphs and you can still go ahead with the deception, then what should we say. What I have now realised is that many people have the ability to do shitty and cowardly things to others. I think that is sad and it is a shame there is not a visible sign for the good souls to see to warn them that this person could, would or may shatter you one day because they are lacking in honesty and integrity.
Just my take on it. No it's long. I hope your wife doesn't have to experiance the devastation about you that I have had to endure. I am a tough bitch and will be okay.
But I am actually not so sure if my husband will be okay now. See it is not so much the shame you will go through with having the bit on the side, it will be the shame that you feel when others find out and look at you differently now they know the sort of choices you are happy to make,
Don't do it.
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female
reader, love-him +, writes (28 February 2008):
 HEY!!
You know that cheating is wrong.. and if you plan to go with another women, have a divorce or leave your wife, because cheating whilst with your wife is worse than not being with her and getting with someone else, therefore you arent cheating!
Feel free to mail me at any time, x x x
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male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Its a shame you got kids involved in this, otherwise it would be such an easy course of action to take. Just wondering, have you talked to her about it and found out why she's being like that? Maybe there's a reason she doesn't wanna have sex. Otherwise if she's one of those ladies who are 'asexual' (I think that's the term) then tough luck pal, that'd totally suck... If that's the case, I guess she better get used to you getting it elsewhere huh
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Come on, you have enough common sense to know that it's wrong, you're only wanting someone to agree with you to make you feel better. If you love your wife "completely" then why even think about it? Okay, so someone in work is showing you attention and your flattered right? Will sleeping with them and having a few exciting nights together make you feel fulfilled? You'd be riddled with guilt and if you think your marriage has problems now then do this and see your life, your kid's life and your wife's life totally blown out of the water!
Think about this... is a temporary fling with another woman WORTH throwing away what you have back home? How would you feel if you found out your wife was doing that right this minute? I rest my case huh...?
Instead, make it your goal to make things better with your wife. Why isn't she wanting to get close to you? What is making her feel this way? Have you actually sat down, put your arm around her and told her how much you appreciate what she does for you? Women like to talk so ASK her what's wrong and how you can make things better. Tell her you miss holding her close, making love to her and getting intimate, compliment her and tell her you love her "completely". If you do this then slowly you'll find out what's been holding her back and THEN you can begin to fix things. (Feel free to email me if you need any more help).
The answer isn't brushing your problems aside and moving on to some other woman, it's finding out the CAUSE and working together to fix it and in turn bond closer together.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Please don't have an affair it will break your wife's heart. Please try talking to your wife first and see what her reasons are for not wanting sex. It is very flattering and exciting to cheat but in the long term it will not benefit you. You must know its wrong and feel guilty already or you wouldn't be asking this question on this site. The lady at work shouldn't be doing this either knowing you are a married man. That doesn't make her a very nice person. I can tell you want sex and attention but try seeing if you can sought out your problems at home first. If not separate first then do what you want to do.All the best
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female
reader, Basschick +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Just know that an affair has a way of eroding a marriage to the core. It may take years but it will disintegrate before your very eyes. It is like a cancer. You never see it growing beneath the surface, but it will eat away at your relationship until there is nothing left but a shell. So I would say, if you are not prepared to file for divorce and be single for awhile, do not plan on having an affair. It is not a short-term fix. It will be like a drug once you've injected it -- you will not be able to stop because of the "high" it provides. I think you should try marital counseling and figure out why your wife has sexual problems that can be resolved. If you truly love her (which I question) you should work on repairing what you have, rather than destroying it.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Of course you are wrong. You say you love your wife completely and yet you are thinking about bonking some broad at work. Hummmm what's wrong with this picture? I assume you have discussed the lack of sex with your wife, right? What does she say is her reason or reasons for not wanting the intimacy? If you guys haven't had a heart to heart talk about all this then it's time to do so. Maybe you will need a marriage counselor to help you sort it all out. But one thing is for sure, you don't need to muddy up the waters with some slag from work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Cheating is always wrong. It's selfish, inconsiderate, and totally unnecessary. And to be honest, I think that its just the cowards way out of a relationship. If you do not fancy your wife any more (fancying your partner is a big part in a marriage) then I suggest you are not with her. If you cant be arsed (excuse me) to get a divorce OR work things out, then dont have an affair. You'd break her heart, she has feelings too, you know? Good luck.
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