A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend have been together for over a year. He was very shy in the beginning, and I was quite confident, so I was the one who initiated dating, but he was very interested and told me how much he liked me. We lost our virginity together, when we first had sex, we went for over an hour and he never ejaculated, I gave head but nothing. I didn't really think too much of it, just thought it was weird. But the same thing happened quite frequently in our sex life for the next few months, I started to recognise a feeling a disconnection. Like he didn't really want my body or enjoy making love to me. He will only come with sex, and not always. I am a highly-sexed person and I like to do it everyday if not more and we have said I probably have a higher sex drive. And sorry if this is 'too-much-info', but we've tried every sexual position out there, I can deep throat it easy, I've tried dressing sexier. And when it still feels unexciting I feel embarrassed, you know? I don't feel like I'm unnattractive, but I'm questioning it now. People tell me I have a very pretty face, I have an hourglass figure, dd breasts, and a 'booty'. I sound arrogant, but I'm just trying to say I don't think I'm particularly unnappealing, or have any 'defect'.I was a confident person before, I have been focused on my academics until now so I remained single but I've always had male interest. I eventually developed some insecurity so I 'snooped' on my boyfriend, I never thought I'd be that type of person, but love does funny things to you. I went through his phone and computer - porn, lots of it. And what I found odd was the searching for particular pornstars and particular acts and particular video's.. is that normal? I thought it seemed a bit, obsessive? I started to become concerned he was addicted to porn. This would have been before me, but if he was attracted to me, wouldn't it take a back seat? I felt like he'd be comparing me to these girls he's obsessed with watching. And that he's more engaged in other people having sex than ours. I eventually found the courage to confront him and express all this, he admitted I had been taking a back seat to porn. It hurt but I love him so I was willing to make it work. He said he'd stop, I trusted him and stopped 'snooping'. I waited for things to get better. Still, after we fully discussed this 6 months ago, sex seems a bit more passionate but still he seems like he loses interest halfway through sex, like he's going through the motions, he always stays hard but seems to have to really sweat to ejaculate, like its difficult. At this point I'm starting to just wonder if he isn't aroused by me. He says no that's not it, that he finds me very attractive but that he's "thinking too much", and feels pressure to perform and thinks we have great sex. I'm having trouble believing him, and he gets annoyed. I think he loves me, but maybe he never fell in love with me sexually? I think he loves how I genuinely care for him, and says he wants to spend his life with me. I just don't know if I can see a future with someone who doesn't seem into me sexually. I don't feel sexual passion from him. I am wondering if we should both move on and find a more fulfilling sexual relationship?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, VenusFlowerBasket  +, writes (28 March 2013):
Find yourself a real man that likes real women.
A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (27 March 2013):
"We lost our virginity together, when we first had sex, we went for over an hour and he never ejaculated, I gave head but nothing. I didn't really think too much of it, just thought it was weird."Too much masturbation causes delayed ejaculation."I am a highly-sexed person and I like to do it everyday if not more and we have said I probably have a higher sex drive. And sorry if this is 'too-much-info', but we've tried every sexual position out there, I can deep throat it easy."You won't impress someone who likes porn alot this way. "I started to become concerned he was addicted to porn. This would have been before me, but if he was attracted to me, wouldn't it take a back seat?"A common misconception, it happened to me all this what you have described has happened to me. It isn't you it's them, trust me on this one. At least he acknowledged he had a problem, alot of men don't.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (27 March 2013):
This seems to be a more common problem with young guys, too much porn makes the real thing less exciting and a lot more work! Talk and ask him to involve you in his needs when you are around. But also keep it exciting, not just bedtime bedroom sex. Go out, catch him on the beach, in the woods, car etc, add some spice that way and seem if you can raise his interest. All guys masturbate so I don't think the desensitising issue is so great as the fact that he just does it too often, or too close to being with you. Try and persuade him to take a days rest occasionally!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 March 2013):
 I don't think it has got anything to do with you or your sex appeal.
More simply, particularly if your bf is in your age range- he will be a major wanker :). With, or without porn ( but probably, with ). Nothing wrong with masturbation, obviously- only that , if he does it A LOT, he may have sort of desensitized himself and trained himself to respond only to certain stimulations that are harder to reproduce and longer to achieve during normal intercourse .
That ,nearly for sure,plus he seems to be a cerebral type, that lives much within his head, while the secret of good sex is being able to let go and abandon yourself and live the sensation in the moment.
I don't think it's totally a lost cause, and before deciding you are incompatible, you should suggest him to stay off masturbation for a couple of weeks and see what happens. Also, do not worry about the esthetics and the choreoghraphy of the act. Many people your age have this focus on making sex " exotic " or " hot " or " spicy " , with a lot of attentions on the technicalities of Kamasutra-like positions- and a disconnession with what your body really asks and says.
Back to basics, keep it simple - and hungry. Do it less often,maybe, but be sure that when you do it you both are into it, and move the focus away from giving a technically good performance and / or making the other reach orgasm fast, or at all costs - to just having fun and enjoying your sensations .
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (27 March 2013):
You seem to be getting your ideas from the fact that he doesn't come very frequently... Is that right?
That probably has more to do with excessive porn use than not being attracted to you (yes he SAID he quit).
In fact I'm 99.9% sure attraction isn't the issue. It could be the pressure to perform in conjunction with too much porn.
Either way it seems like this may be a case of incompatibility.
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