| A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I pray one of you might answer me.Since I started high school I've always had this feeling of inadequacy. I always felt too ugly, too useless, too unintelligent, to my own mother, I was never good enough. The fleeting moments of joy I had when I spent time with friends, though plenty, could never fill the gaping wound I felt growing inside of me. And all because of a girl. So beautiful and lovely and too good for me. Back then I was quiet one, the one who hid in a corner away from conversation and the stares of my classmates. Hers was the name on every guy's lips, hers was hand they longed to hold. In our foolish youth, she was the goddess we all aspired to date and those boys who were more outgoing and more reckless, those were the gods she would date.I never looked up to them, I never thought myself better than them or worse than them, I was just, little dark me and for a while I was okay with that. But I discovered loneliness and it kept eating away at me. This innocent little crush I had suddenly turned into this damnable obsession that corrupted me and ruined everything as it dragged me into a dark abyss it took six years to claw out of. A mess of puberty, teenage drama and loneliness. It ended, more peacefully than I thought it would. I never got her but I got over her and I started looking brighter, stronger, smarter and just better. People started noticing me and I started embracing a better side of me and even though I had become more social, more fun to be around, I was still alone while everyone around me started forming into these serious relationships. And I was just in the middle of all of it, alone, staring in awe and in envy at what they had. Some of those relationships hopeless, and some of them just plain beautiful. And it felt like I could never have it because girls just seemed to never think of me that way. It broke my heart again and again and again. I met this one girl, happy and pretty and humble. She was perfect and it all seemed perfect. The first time we met, we parted with our friends and spent a while talking, walking with each other in the rain. It was fun and I actually enjoyed talking to her, I had never met anyone with such a bright aura of pure cheer and it showed so clearly in her beautiful smile. We met time and time again and we started talking more until eventually I told myself to forget those other girls in the past and I asked her out on a date. It was lovely for the most part but I could feel myself breaking on the inside as doubt began to circle around my every thought like sharks. We kissed at the end but nothing happened afterwards. I tried calling but there was never an answer so I backed off. The next time we saw each other, a only three months later, she was dating someone I saw her meet for the first time, a guy she met a month after that night. I was heartbroken but not surprised. It all seems so easy for everyone else to sweep someone off their feet and entrance them enough that they'd fall so deeply for them. But not me. That was the only date I have ever been on. The first kiss I've had. Her face used to light up when she saw me but now, there is just this discomfort between us that makes me cringe. We can't even be friends because I fear I might grow obsessed for a while as I always have. I have to fight with myself just so that I don't make things worse.Sometimes I feel as though, it is because I don't deserve anyone. I've done horrible things in the past, out of anger, out of sadness or madness. Hurt people I never meant to hurt, said things I never meant to say and I've tried to apologize and they always forgive me but I don't feel as though I deserve it. I feel as though God has made it so no woman ever has to suffer my embrace. But all I want is to be with someone and love her and make her happy. All I have every truly desired in this short life that seems so terribly long is to be able to one day wake up and open my eyes to the face of someone who loves me and who smiles when they see me and only because I make them happy. People tell me to just wait, they keep assuring me that the right girl is out there and I will find her but, how can I? Even if I do I cannot trust myself to be the man I need to be. So many nights I've condemned myself and cursed myself for being me, so many nights I've wept myself to sleep only because I cannot shake this cold emptiness and this eternal longing.I realize this is a rather long read and I apologize. I realize most of this might seem to some, a lengthy complaint about this sad little life and who am I to disagree. But I needed this, if only to vent what feels like madness burrowed deeply into my skull, screaming from within to be destroyed. But I hope someone, any of you kindhearted people can simply offer an answer. I do not need someone to tell me that the right girl will come. Maybe she will or maybe this is all I have for the rest of my life. I do not need someone to offer optimistic words of a possible future that no one can be sure of, I just need someone to please tell me, knowing all of this and how long it has burdened me, please grant me some solution to this intangible affliction of mine. How on earth do I deal with this gnawing loneliness inside?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2013): You are very young and come across as needy. Continue to ask a girl out that you are attracted to and don't let one experience put you off at all. Have patience and believe in yourself. It is you and no other person who is self doubting your worth. Please believe in yourself so other people can see that.If my partner lacked confidence in himself I could not be with him.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (27 March 2013):
Counseling.
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