A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a male just under 25 and I am completely at a loss to who I am as for the past couple of years I have been confused about my sexuality. I don't know if I am Straight, Gay, Bi or simply going through a phase or perhaps suffering from hocd.I must confess that I have been here before but did not get the answers I seeked and it did not rid me of my confusion.I never used to have thoughts or feelings like this before, I was always into women and all the usual heterosexual stuff. Three years ago is when I started to question my sexual orientation. Now I have already looked up Hocd and while I have constantly worried about being gay and even fearing it a bit, I am not disgusted by the intrusive thoughts about another man and in fact I am turned on by them, I often fantasize about being in a relationship with another man and kissing him, I even masturbate to images and thoughts of men, especially two men kissing, however, as I said this only begun three years ago because before then I was certainly only into women and had no homosexual thoughts at all, though when I was 16, me and my male friend kissed and made out and I have to admit, I enjoyed it and was turned on but we only did that as a dare. I had a girlfriend sometime after who was quite attractive but I am not sure what I felt for her as it was so long ago. I do not know what I feel for women anymore, I mean I I still find them attractive, at least physically as I sometimes see women's faces or bodies I like but recently for three years on and off, most if not all of My sexual urges and fantasies are towards men. When I masturbate to the thoughts or images of men and climax, I feel wrong and quickly try to remind myself that I am straight and just being aroused messed with my head but these days I am not so sure, its been three years and I still get the intrusive thoughts and fantasies even when I am looking at women. Everytime I think I am over it and "straight", the thoughts come back. Seeing two women together used to turn me on but now its like its just meh and does not arouse me like it used to.So the questions I will ask is, is this a phase or hocd? I doubt its these two because phases happen in teenage years usually and I'm in my twenties and hocd sufferers are disgusted by their unwanted thoughts.Am I gay? A person can not just turn gay, you have to be born with it, though I have heard of something called "late developers" but its a not true is it? because before three years ago I was sure I was 100% straight. Other than kissing my friend I had no homosexual tendencies or fantasies that I was aware of. If anyone answers these please do not says things like "look for answer insiders yourself" or "labels don't matter" or "just be yourself" because these just leave me just as confused as before and I heard it before. I just want an end to the confusion. I would likesome good advise from experts or people who have been through this or anyone really. Knowing who I am whether straight, bi or gay will at least allow me to move on, its the not knowing or inability to figure myself out that is driving me insane. Also I like to add another question, does masturbating to the images or thoughts of other men increase the chances of being gay? I have given in to my urges a lot over the last three years and I hope it hasn't affected me, I have no problem with homosexuality but I do not wish to be gay, its not what I used to imagine my life to be like.
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male
reader, Musician  +, writes (9 March 2013):
Hey dude, I know it's 4 months later, but I'll chime in. I'm going through the same thing. I started therapy, and my sneaking suspicion is that there is some distress going on in my life that is causing these gay fantasies. I'm 27, and they started since I moved in with my girlfriend. Weird, right? That they are coming right when I achieved my dream. With a lifetime of low self-esteem and something finally going right - moving in with my dream lady, I have to create something like gay fantasies. Sadly, they do not seem like a creation. They get me off faster and uncontrollably. And it was never like that when life was in control and I was living without her. I always controlled my fantasies in the past, because living with a woman is such a challenge - it was always my biggest fear not to fuck up a relationship, so I think I have these gay fantasies as an escape mechanism. I don't know if I can explain it otherwise.Maybe you are going through so distress in your life? Maybe seeing a therapist will help unlock what's really bothering you? My biggest fear is he'll unlock that I was always gay, but with my history of crushing on and fantasizing about women, I have doubt it will happen. He might unlock more shit that may make me have further gay fantasy, but I really believe I still have my love for women. I think you do too. Maybe therapy can help? These are just my thoughts on the matter. Best of luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): I guess there really is no simple answer or advice for these things, thanks for your answers anyway. Though I have to say that I shouldn't really be confused at my age, teenagers are the ones who are supposed to be trying to figure out who they are. I am in my twenties, so my sexuality should be clear to me by now but its not.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 Well at the risk of giving you an answer you find unsatisfactory, there really aren't any simple answers.
Human sexuality is complicated. You want to know if you're straight, bi or gay. Has it occurred to you you might be non of these? Think of sexuality as a spectrum. At one end you have straight, at the other gay, and in the middle bi. But in between those absolutes there is a vast grey area and a great many people fall somewhere in there. You might be mostly straight but like cock, or enjoy some same sex activities at some times or under some circumstances. It's confusing, sure but it's the way it is.
Also try to keep in mind that when you're young it's very normal to be confused. As you grow older and gain experience and understanding about yourself things will probably sort themselves out. Being confused about this is part of growing up. Even at twenty five. I'm forty two and haven't figured it out yet.
You want a straight answer, that's understandable but I'm sorry it's not as simple as that. You'll just have to give it time. "Don't put a label on yourself" and "learn to be comfortable with who you are, whatever that is" really is the best advice anyone can give you. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (5 December 2012):
Dear male,
I don't know if I can give you the certainty you want, I can only share my thoughts. Maybe you find them useful, maybe not.
When I was in my early teens, I liked boys. Then with 17 I fell in love with a girl and was only interested in girls after that. Then with 27 all that changed and now I prefer men. I call myself bisexual but I never fancied both sexes at the same time. Very confusing.
Ok, that being said, it's quite possible that this has nothing to do with your problem, because:
Fantasy and reality are two different pairs of shoes.
You don't suddenly become something just because of some day dreams. If that was the case I'd be a real pervert and a lot more people would be murderers. Still, your fantasies CAN be a hint about what would really make you happy, so they are not to be completely ignored either.
"I have no problem with homosexuality but I do not wish to be gay, its not what I used to imagine my life to be like."
I can understand. I was so scared and depressed when I first fell in love with a girl. I hated myself for it and tried to tell myself I don't like this girl and I find her ugly. But when I first kissed a woman at the age of 21 and had the first lesbian sex I felt like I came home and I didn't doubt or worry much longer. I remember that I was mostly very happy back in the lez days, even though there was some discrimination and family problems. A happy relationship and sex life makes you more happy than anything and gives you more power than you imagine.
Ok, to sum up what my weird biographic post is trying to say: maybe life won't turn out as you imagined. Maybe you're gay or bi, even if you don't wish to be so. I never wished to be a lesbian either but I became one for some time and I found it unexpectedly great. Maybe you'd feel the same way in the end.
BUT: you can't find out what makes you sexually and emotionally happy like this. Stop this daydream/fantasy-diagnosis and stop googling around. It's as if I tried to find out my favourite profession by just dreaming of working and googling employers. Yes, fantasies can show you a direction, but at some point you need a reality check. If it's about a job, you finally have to apply for one and start to work, maybe you like it and maybe you don't. Then you quit and are able to pursue something else that makes you happier.
If it's about sexuality and love, quite similar: IF you really want to know, you have to try out. Chat. Go on a date. Get involved. Get close. Your heart and body's going to tell you yes or no when you're in the situation. What was the right thing for you in the past might not be the right thing now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): Thanks for your answer but as I said in my question, I don't want answers that I have read or heard about before i.e "labels don't matter" "only you can knowwho you are" etc Its true that labels are not what is important but since I am suffering one hell of an identity crisis here and for three yearsnow, I need to know what my sexual identity is and telling me only I can know the answer is no help at all because I do not know the answer, I would not be here if I did. As for what some of the stuff you said, I have dated a girl before as in my question, I told how I had a girlfriend before and I was not sure how I felt.
I need proper specific answers and advise, maybe someone who have either gone through this or those who know a lot about sexual orientation etc can help me as I need more answers than what was given am I afraid. This confusion is driving me mad, there is not much that is worse than not knowing who you are, I really need answers here or at least advise that can show me the way to answers.
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A
female
reader, orangeswild123 +, writes (5 December 2012):
 As humans we are sexual beings. We crave human interaction and a connection with another person. Society has made open sexuality look as bad as a crime. Embrace what you feel. I'm straight, I love men haha but I can get off watching two girls. Does that mean I want to have a relationship with one? No, but as humans we are curious. I'm sure you've heard this fact that dolphins will have sex with their same gender. When you chalk it down, we are intelligent but we are animals. Live life, have fun! Go on a date with a man and see what you feel, then go on a date with a woman and see how you feel. You don't have to put a label on yourself. :)If you like both then cool, be with whoever makes you happy. Nobody is going to be able to to help you decide this
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