A
female
age
41-50,
*kittles
writes:I have had this problem for a while, and I think it's time I do something about it. I, am an EXTREMELY jealous person. Now, I am not one for blaming others for my own problems, but I always thought my past had a big part in this. I have only had one serious relationship, from when I was 18 - 23. I was with this guy for 5 years. I thought he was good at first, but he started to change, and I didn't even notice it, but my friends all did. They hated him, and it got to a point where they could not be my friend because of him. I lost all my friends to be with him. He went to the bar almost every weekend, and NEVER ONCE went with me in those 5 years. We never went anywhere, he met my dad once and my mom maybe 5 tims, but never would come to any of my family events, he got girls numbers from the bar, and told me they were just friends, he forced me to have sex, and would sometimes hurt me very badly, and even when I was crying he wouldn't stop. He was very emotionally abusive, and I later found out he cheated on me twice. Now I know it was my fault for staying with him, and I'm happy to say, I finally had the courage to leave him. Now, I am 24, and I have been with this guy for a year. I met him shortly after I left the other loser, and this guy is the ultimate nice guy. He has bought me flowers, writen me a cute poem, got me beautiful jewelry, he constantly compliments me, kisses me, he is very gentle, loving, and would never do anything to hurt me. But then My jealousy comes into play. My ex also used to want to have sex with me, while watching girls on TV, like "Wild on" or just any hot girls on TV. And he would tell me how hot they were. Now, when I am watching TV with my current man, and a pretty girl comes on in a comercial, wearing next to nothing, I get extremely angry, and won't sit next to him, or let him touch me. I am constantly paranoid about him checking out other girls. I even avoid going in public with him. ANd if he goes out with friends, even to a lounge, I won't let him sleep with me that night, because I feel like he might have gotten turned on by someone else, and is just coming to me for sex. I feel like such an idiot talking about this, but at the time, it feels real and I don't know what to do. I would really like to know what goes through guys heads when they see other girls. SHould I worry that my man is being turned on by every other girl he sees, even on TV? I know I never get turned on by other guys. Even if there was a really hot guy naked on TV, and my boyfriend was right there, I would never think about anyone but him. But I feel like he is thinking about anyone else when he's with me. I make him turn off the TV if he wants to make out with me, or especially have sex. I get to the point where I yell at him and get really mad, and I know it's not fair what I do to him. Please set me straight. I know I need to change this, I just don't know how.
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cheated on me, emotionally abusive, flowers, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (19 February 2007):
 First of all can I say congratulations and well done on leaving your abusive ex, you certainly did the right thing there. Your new man sounds lovely too and I can see how you feel a bit paranoid about him watching other women even on TV and how you like to switch it off when you are intimate. That of course, stems back to your past relationship.
It's natural for any man to look at another woman, especially an attractive woman but this doesn't mean he doesn't love you or feels any less for you. If something's pretty it catches the eye. You are both in a committed relationship and I really don't think your boyfriend would do anything to jeopardise his relationship with you, you just need to believe that and put your trust in him more.
Your ex has made you feel worthless with very little self esteem, you need to build this up again so I want you to take this self esteem test, see how high or low it is now then take the necessary steps (that the site gives you) to build it up again.
http://www.selfesteem4women.com/index.php
You also need to build up your confidence and believe in yourself more. You are a wonderful caring person with lots of special attributes that your partner loves dearly. He's with YOU not anyone else and he loves and cherishes you very much, always remember that. Here is a link to build your self confidence up, read through it and use the help it gives you.
http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Confidence
Now a bit about the jealousy you find so hard to control. Feelings such as jealousy are based on fear and do not come from love at all, we say we feel like this BECAUSE we love the person but this isn't the case at all. Jealousy comes from wanting to POSSESS and wanting to OWN or HAVE. One cannot own another being or even the mind of another being. One being cannot live for another. Remember that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear immobilizes and makes it virtually impossible for people to think effectively because it bypasses the pre frontal cortex and goes directly to your right brain emotional center and is thus not even analyzed first!
Feelings such as guilt and worry are in the same category. See what benefits you could possibly derive from sitting in your favourite chair and contemplating as well as experiencing these feelings intensely for a few hours? None of course because they do not deliver any benefit other than getting you into an even greater state of fear.
So you see, that jealousy, guilt, fear and worry all belong in the trash bin because they do not deliver any benefit whatsoever. Love on the other hand will get you to understand and be less fearful. This in turn will make it possible for you to experience joy and bliss.
Remember always: You have a mind, your feelings come from your mind therefore you can control your feelings. In other words, YOU are in charge and nobody else. YOU determine the future. And you become what you THINK. Be careful because the universe will deliver that which you THINK!
So next time you see him watching TV and an attractive woman comes on, don't move chairs, take his hand and tell yourself she's only an actor, a model, probably with no brain and tell yourself how lucky your boyfriend is to have you. Even tell him out love how much you love him. Take one small step at a time and I'm sure you'll eventually see jealousy as the stupid, worthless emotion that it really is.
Eve
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (19 February 2007):
 Turned on is a BIG word....He's probably not sitting there with an erection but I'll guarantee he notices god looks. So do you. You said, " even if there was a really hot naked guy on TV" you wouldn't think about anyone else but your man. Well, if that's true, how did you come to the conclusion that the guy on TV was rreally hot. There's only one answer, you noticed him and your brain perceived him as attractive. The next question is, so what? Who cares. Good looks are everywhere and we'l all be attracted to others. You sasy you only want your man. That's true but if you were single again, you'd find that feeling with someone else. It's harsh but true. It's not about feelings, it's about committment.
You should get some help with your issues. You're making your current boyfriend pay a price for a crime he didn't do.
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