A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 23, and I've started finding myself getting emotionally attracted to men and I HATE it. I don't feel sexually attracted to them, only emotionally, sure there are some physically attractive men, but it only goes as far as looks and emotional attraction, not sexual attraction.Physically I am [or was ??] attracted to women, but I hate having these feelings. I live in East Midlands, UK where homophobia is high; like where I live, can't leave due to job contract issues.I sometimes wish these feelings would go away and have occasionally gone to a gay bar in Sheffield when I visit there but can never quite go in, backing out after a minute or two. I don't understand why I do it. Sure it's not illegal, but it's a bit of a risk for me and I hate it.Why am I having these feelings, how can I get rid of them and is it normal? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, jc2008 +, writes (30 September 2013):
HeyWell i'm a gay guy and recently I become emotionally attached to my female friend. She wasn't staying around long, only for a few months. Once she had moved on, I missed her terribly. You see the thing is that people look at emotional attachment and sexual attachment as the same thing and its not. Have you ever heard the term bromance? Seriously, if your confused as to why you think you love these men but don't want to sleep with them, well, just accept that anyone can love anyone else for whatever reason. Crushes come and go like anything but also ask yourself are you "needy" do you have a void that needs filling? If your bored get a hobby or join a social club somewhere and get out and about. If your not confident, just go for a walk or cycle somewhere. If you realize your bisexual or even homosexual in the end... sorry that's just who you are and hey you've got this community and many others who will support you.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (2 September 2013):
 The East Midlands is no more homophobic than anywhere else in Great Britain and in reality is totally irrelevant to how you feel.Moving somewhere else will not change your feelings.You say that your not sexually attracted to men but emotionally and physically attracted to them.You may be straight, you may be homosexual or maybe your bi-sexual. You will only discover who you are by talking to experts in this field.I think that maybe you're worried that you're suppressing homosexual urges because you don't agree with homosexuality. This is not going to just go away, you need to find out what this is about or it will depress and torment you.Pluck up the courage to speak to a gay/lesbian support group, they can help you discover who you are and what these feelings really mean.It doesn't mean you're gay but equally you could be. Either way you have issues that ought be resolved.I wish you all the best AB x
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Of course it is normal, when there are gay bars you are surely aware that there are indeed men who fall in love with other men... And it is thankfully no longer classified as a mental illness, although it was still thought to be a disease not long ago.
Of course the social stigma is also going to hang around for a while, it is hard to kick such cultural habits to the curb. And unfortunately, it is the social stigma that leaves you feeling like you hate this. So, against your will, you have become part of the front line when it comes to battling these negative habits of society. You can choose what to do from here, be quiet and pretend to be a homophobe so you will "fit in" with the rest of your local community. Or you can be brave and say "fuck them" and just do what you want to do no matter the judgment.
Or you can simply give it some time to think about before you make your decision. But the feelings you have aren't going to change no matter what decision you make, or what stance you take. Those feelings are part of who you are. You can act on them, you can decide not to act on them, it's all good. You absolutely do not have to go gay just because you develop feelings for a man, if you're still attracted to women then you can go be with women. There's no law saying once you have feelings for a man you are forced to only be with men. You do precisely what you want to do. But if you are a person who develops such feelings, then you are a person who develops such feelings. You can't change that, nor do you have to.
Btw, if you want to move to get out of a cultural area that you feel will judge you, no matter what or, then you are free to leave. No job contract can force you to stay. What will they do, sue you? If they aren't going to sue you then just leave. Find a new job somewhere else and move. It isn't any more difficult or impossible than you make it, all it takes is courage.
Try to tell us, and yourself, why you hate that you have these feelings? Explain it please, because it isn't obvious. What is it that makes you hate it? Does it feel terrible to develop feelings? Is it because you fear rejection? Because you fear judgment? Exactly why do you hate it, for example compared to how you feel about developing feelings for women. Is it because it is something new, perhaps, that you don't know yet how to handle?
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Huh. Somehow, I don't feel like this is specific enough. What do you want out of a relationship with a guy? Are you saying you get emotionally attached, like you would with a really good friendship, or are you saying that men are the ones you want to date? Do you get crushes on men? Because that tends to be a little more physically inclined, so I would think that you get crushes on women?
Because you are emotionally attracted to men, does that mean that you are NOT emotionally attracted to women?
I'm not sure if you're only not sexually attracted to men because you live in a homophobic area, and you've put up a big brick wall between yourself and any sexual feelings that you might have for a man.
Do you watch porn? What kind of porn interests you?
I don't think that you can "get rid" of these feelings. Feelings just happen! Are you normal? You're attracted to other humans - that's perfectly normal. You're just having these feelings because you're young and your sexuality is still sorting itself out.
I think you need to relax a bit, don't freak out, just let the feelings ride - and maybe you'll discover some things about yourself. Sexuality is an enormous continuum, and you could fall anywhere. Don't be too desperate to throw yourself into a rigid category. Stop hating on yourself, because that is going to make this journey horrible, maybe traumatic... if you just accept yourself now, just tell yourself, "I accept and I am whoever I'm going to end up being", then maybe you can chill and figure out yourself a little easier. What starts out as hating a feeling you're having, could turn into hating yourself if you keep fighting it. And you don't want that... at least, I certainly don't want that for you!
Good luck, sweet!
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