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female
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anonymous
writes: I am in a relationship with someone for a year. He is the love of my life..we are both in our late twenties. I know we love each other very much. He puts me first in so many ways and I do the same as well. I know I want to spend my life with him and there isn't anyone I would rather be with.We are living with our own families right now trying to save; we have discussed and have plans to move in sometime next year. The only issue which is probably minor compared to what it could be, what I have experienced in prior relationships etc are his friends.He grew up in a town type area where everyone knows each other from childhood and lives within 10 minutes of each other. Basically from a young age it is just hanging out with friends non stop and it is so tight knit that it carries on to adult life.When we first started dating I was a little amazed how often these friends contacted him, texted him, called him. One still expected him to be over his house every single Saturday to hang out despite being in a relationship. After a long week of work, those two days off are priceless and it's important to spend time with my partner. Another friend calls every single friday for us to run out to the bar and just hang out. I am for that once in awhile but once again -- we don't get to see each other too often or have alot of quality time together. We are both tired after a work week and by the time we even get to his area we just want to relax and take it easy. I am also not interested in bar hopping as much as I used to be. His friends make him feel guilty.Another friend calls constantly to talk and always wants him to go out. Most of them are single, immature, drink alot and looking for company. I personally think it is somewhat abnormal to expect a friend to be around every weekend or even every other weekend after a certain age or point in life. Things do get busy as we get older--work, responsiblity, trying to save money, family, and a relationship. What happens if we ever have kids?I honestly feel they haven't really moved on and still are hanging on to this idea of hanging as if we are 23 years old still. I used to handle it ok but it is starting to show I get annoyed when his phone is constantly going off. It also makes me wonder every weekend that once we get a call we have to feel guilty if we just want to relax or if we are already doing something else.One of his friends was going away for over a week and my b/f wanted to see him before he left causing us to plan certain days aroudn him which didn't work out in end despite our effort. It's very very sweet on one hand but on the other--it is just a week..the friend is going to be back, this isn't a partner or a parent. I just find it somewhat odd and needy.My friends and I aren't like this (I know everyone is different but just conveying my frustration)..some I have known since childhood or highschool but we don't rely on each other to be available. We didn't grow up always being 10 minutes apart so maybe it made us more independent to be able to be alone or find someone else to hang out with. His friends slowed down a tiny bit compared to what it used to be but it is still there. I wish I didn't feel this way because I know things could be much worse.It is just tiring every weekend to feel we should be in group if we haven't seen certain people for a few weeks or to feel guilty about it. I don't want to seem moody about his friends but it is starting to show and I don't want to ruin things. Am I wrong to feel these friends haven't really let go? Am I wrong to feel upset about them?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): You are talking like this may be because you are not living together. When you start living together and see each other every day it will get boring to spend all weekends just 2 of you.
Personally I think to see the same people every weekend is a little boring. That's why I have different group of friends that I love to hang out with, but it comes to seeing each of them once a month.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): Firstly your frustrations are perfectly understandable, as at your stage in a relationship, priorities are often on making a life together with kids... Have you spoke to him about these feelings? Feel like m stating the obvious but you need to communicate these feelings to him- you mean a lot to each other he should try and accommodate your needs if you're going to stay together... This isn't a trivial matter, it's a compatibility issue and it's rightfully important to you. Therefore suggest to him setting aside some time(s) every week and regardless if his clingy friends want to meet during these scheduled times, put it to the test- if he cancels his plans with you for them, then you've got a big compatibility issue there. Some people like spending time with their friends, lovers OR on their own. I'm the third type- I've had two bfs and ended them both because they ALWAYS wanted to meet 3+ times a week! I can't be with someone like that! I prefer my own company. Where as some people. My best friend always want to be out meeting up with people every night, socialising... Luckily we've got a mutual who is also very much like her. Put it to the test for a month or 2 and see if you can live compatibly. If not, maybe the time's just not right for him... As in he still wants that buzzing social life... But he may be ready in a couple years. Love doesn't conquer all cos it's not like you can spend your life with these frustrations. I know couples that have been together for years, had strong feelings but just couldn't compatibility live together. If you find it's too much of a strain then what choice do you have other than to end it,? Good luck x :)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 I think you are going to get very mixed answers, because there's really no right or wrong, it's up to individual personalities, socialization styles and emotional needs.
So, if you ask me, I have to say : but you SHOULD be in group if you haven't seen certain people for a few WEEKS !- otherwise, why calling them friends ? If they are friends, and live within easy reach, you don't WANT, in general, to let weeks and weeks go by without seeing haor or hide of them. Otherwise, you don't call them friends , you call them " social aquaintances I hang out with when I am really bored and there's nothing good on TV ".
Of course, I grew up with the kind of set up you describe, it was not a particularly small town ( 200.000 people, so not a village ) but ... I don't know, maybe it's because Italians are notoriously gregarious, so things worked a bit like you say. Then I moved abroad, to a few HUGE cities where, still making friends, by necessity you are much less social, and I handled it well, I don't mind some " me time ", in fact I love that TOO, and I got used to keep looser contacts with people. But, I don't regret at all having lived in a sort of " community " till my 30s, in fact it was a blast, it was like a second family- often more supportive and more entertaining than the first one.
You say : what if you have kids ? Eh, try surviving the boredom of long afternoons at the playground, or of the umpteenth kiddie birthday in a year, if you can't count on other friends AND their kids...
I guess basically the problem is simply that these are HIS friends , not yours, and that you tag along without really having interest or curiosity for these people. And that they seem to be all single, unaccompanied males ? no gfs or wives tagging along too ?
Because if it is a whole bunch of young men, single and on the prowl, with one lovey dovey couple, yes I can understand that you feel uncomfortable , and that your bf's loyalties are divided...
Is that YOUR problem, or a couple's problem ? I mean, you say WE want this, WE like that , but... are you sure ?... People generally does not do what they dislike just to be nice and make friends happy. If your bf were really so tired of his interfering friends, I guess he would not have a huge problem in detaching himself : gradually or suddenly, openly or passive-aggressively, but if he felt this need for a lot of alone time, I think he'd make it known.
I am not saying at all that you are being clingy, or that your bf does not want to spend quality time with you. But his need for one-on-one time may be lesser than yours.
I don't find it that strange, you may be as in love as Romeo and Juliet, but, two full days, every weekend , of alone time, without seeing a living soul other than your S.O. ? I think that this would be perhaps too much of a good thing for lots of people ...
My point is, don't blame it all on the " immature " meddling friends. If your bf thinks they take too much of his time and energy, all he 's got to do is to tell them, and if he does not , sorry but he is a wuss . If your bf thinks that he LIKES having them around, but YOU don't so you will mope or give him grief , - then he is pulled in different directions, tryng to please everybody and actually pleasing nobody.
What does he really want to do ? How much time does he want / need with his friends ?. Talk about it, so you can compromise, reach an agreement. Like, one Friday at the pub, and the next home with you. There's really no point in debating if his friends need to grow up, or if it is " right " to be so attached to old friends. His friends do what works for them and what pleases them. You two ( as a couple ) need to find what works for you, i.e. I think , an acceptable balance between his social needs and yours.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 You may be incompatible. The traits that attracted you to him bothered you later. At first you feel that he is a family man, very caring and generous, then you find out he is that way with everyone. If you marry him it's like you marry the whole town. With small towns and bigger cities you have pros and cons. Tight knot community, support vs privacy. I wish I am a flexible person but my personality is quite fixed. In fact I prefer isolation. Let's see if your boyfriend is willing to see your point of view. You are not wrong to have these feelings. Suppressing them only makes things worse.
One thing that can improve your relationship is if you can move out of that community, like at least an hour away. It does seem that his friends are the ones initiating contact and your boyfriend is just dealing with them, feeling sorry for them. If your boyfriend agrees to move out and start a new life, at the same time won't be too sad to leave his friends, then your relationship can be more of a priority.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 This is a difficult one because it's very natural for you to want to spend more quality time with your b/f but it's also reasonable that he spends time with his friends too.I think you need to find out what your b/f wants to do. Hopefully you're on the same page and he wants to spend more time with you too. If that's the case then he needs to get together with his mates and let them know that he wants to spend more time with you and that means less time with them. Of course they can still hang out but maybe once a month plus birthdays or special occasions.I agree that it does seem a bit needy and juvenile of them to have to get together every weekend. I assume they're single and hopefully will understand when they get serious relationships.If your b/f doesn't feel the same as you and can't see the issue then I think you have a problem. You will need to make him understand how you feel, that in a relationship there has to be a balance and he can't expect you to want to hang with his mates every weekend and maybe he could see them during the week saving weekends for the two of you.I hope this helps.I wish you well ABx
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female
reader, elite123  +, writes (2 September 2013):
Yes, things could be a lot worse :) I went through similar with my current boyfriend and it was really hard to handle. I just continually made him aware that I wanted to do other things without talking down to him and slowly made the change. The change took two years and him to stop drinking regularly. The remaining 2 years have been great. He still texts his buddies everyday and throughout the day but only sees them about once a month. I think it does come down to maturity and making sure the men know what you expect from them. They aren't mind readers and by you hanging out with them too, he probably thinks you enjoy it as much as he. I had to literally stop hanging with his friends and made other plans for he and I. When he does go hang with his friends I very rarely go. I hope this helps some. Good luck and remember to never put his friends down as he will only be negative toward you about it.
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