A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I never really got over my ex boyfriend when he broke up with me. It's been 5 years since we split and he is marrying the woman he started dating right after we broke up. We had dated for almost 4 years and planned on marriage. About 6 months before the end, he was sent away to another state for work. He continually told me how much he loved me and then suddenly broke things off. Being a long distance relationship, there were some misunderstandings and I think he felt he couldn't trust me. However, I had not done anything wrong or different and I think he just decided to find someone new. The breakup was devestating to me and he continued to drag it out. Even after we broke up and were not talking he kept driving by my house when he was home visiting on weekends and kept looking t my blog (I had a tracker on it). Since the breakup I have dated several others. Currently I have been dating a man I love for 3 years. I just found out my ex is getting married in two weeks and I'm devastated. To make matters worse, I have remained very good friends with my ex's sister. She is like my own sister to me and we have been through a lot together. We have gone through things that he will never know about or understand. He told his sister a month ago that she is not welcome at his wedding because she is still friends with me and that he doesnt trust me and therefore he cant trust her. I feel terrible about this. I haven't even spoke to him for 5 years and he avoids me like the plague. The last time I saw him was the day he said goodbye. I haven't tried to contact him and he doesn't know I still have feelings for him. He has even immediatly left social gathering instantly upon finding out i was there. Why is he hurting his sister and making me look bad? He even tried to tell her that I hated her while he and I were dating. It was an obvious weak attempt at ending our friendship. Out of respect for the situation my ex's sister and I kept out friendship on the downlow for many years. My ex found out that we hang out on the regular because he made a Facebook page he never uses and saw photos of her and I. (He and her were Facebook friends, he and I are not Facebook friends but he saw tagged photos) He has never even made one post on Facebook and has 6 friends and has had the account for years. It's just weird. My ex's mother tried to remain friends with me and I kept my distance, however she still makes comments to his sister that she misses me and always asks how I doing. I know there are a ton of emotions on my end but I don't discuss them with my ex's sister. It is an off limits discussion for us until she was so upset about being uninvited that she had to tell me and was almost in tears.I have told her she needs to make amends and that it is important for her to be there for him on his big day. I also told her that she needs to make sure she doesn't regrett the decision to not go and to drive a wedge even further between them. She insists that she has already lost a brother and will not lose a best friend. She also insists that her brother is crazy and not right in the head anymore.. I don't know what to say to those comments as he was always pretty level headed. What is going on here? Does anyone have insight as to why my ex's behavior is so strange? Should i cut ties with his sister to help make peace? I don't want to ruin a family. And, why am I so hung up on a man I dated 5 years ago and I'm in a great relationship with another man?
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best friend, broke up, facebook, long distance, my ex, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone! I'm really starting to feel better about this. AB - your answer really hit home and yes..... I am lucky! I think the fact that I felt so much rejection is why I still at times have feelings. Thinking back, the feelings I have seem to be more recent. (Since I found out about the wedding)Men - I love having your insight because I have no idea what goes through a man's head!Thank you everyone for caring enough to help me try and sort this out. I have been miserable trying to do so without other's insight.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Sugarplum!I'm not sure what closure he needs :) I definitely did not get any as his leaving was sudden and a shock snd his choice. Although, are right that it sounds like he didn't get closure. Maybe I mised it. I do know that he was most likely seeing me and this girl at the same time and that he went out of his way to leave a nasty message about me anonymously to my work's company email. It was so harassing and the words so against my character that my work paid to have the anonymous email traced and it went back to him. I chose not to press charges because he is typically very bright. We both were in our mid 20's and had very professional careers, but I did scare him enough that he cried! I even told him that I forgave him and that if he needed me I would be there for him. The last communication we had then was after he left a wedding because be for there late and didn't know I was going to be there. I guess he looked at the groom, asked if it was me and left. The communication was about 6 months after the wedding and it was a very sterile email offering sympathy after my grandpa passed. He and my grandpa were very close and he made it clear to leave out my feelings in the email. It was more a way of letting me know my grandpa was a great man. I did seperate myself from his family for about a year. It was hard and his mother took it worse than anyone. I still stay away from his parents unless I see them in public and then we always chat for hours catching up. I try very carefully to not talk about him with his sister and to keep my emotions seperate. We truly have been through a lot together. It would be stupid for us to not be friends. I might reach out to him but I feel I need to wait until after the wedding. I would NEVER even consider reaching out if it wasn't for the hurt he is causing his sister and now me AGAIN! I don't want to be selfish and ruin his wedding by having to get my words in. I just don't understand how he is being so cold.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 The saying goes "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family" - how very true that is!You should not break anything off with your ex's sister.Her brother is behaving like a spoilt little boy. He broke up with you for his reasons, he's getting married to someone so you should be in his past.He should not be holding his sister to ransom over her friendship with you and if his mother still wants to maintain contact with you then why shouldn't you.His Mother and sister are grown adults and can decide who they want in their lives, they shouldn't be dictated too by a spoilt brat of a son and brother.You've had a lucky escape from this big baby.He didn't want you anymore (for whatever reason) but doesn't like the fact that his family still adore you. They may even like you more than his chosen life partner which he won't like (and neither will she) but honey, that's just tough.He's the one who needs to grow up and move on.Don't waste anymore time worrying about things you don't need too.If your ex is being cruel to his sister, then she needs to sort it out, not you.If your ex's mother wants to be friends with you and you'd like that, go for it, it's your ex who will have to deal with it.If he drives past your house, avoids you at parties and tracks you on internet media, then clearly he has unresolved issues, again HIS problem not yours.He's created this situation but making you feel bad, don't let him, he doesn't deserve your time.Think about this, if you had been a terrible girlfriend and all the bad things he thinks would his own mother and sister still be friends with you and love you? NOI think your ex realises he made a mistake about who you are but is too stupid and proud to admit he was wrong.You love your current boyfriend but your ex's behaviour is and has been unfair and unjust and it's left you hurt and frustrated.Let him go. He's not worth it.You have a great boyfriend, and your ex's family still adore you....speaks volumes to me.AB x
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 I think its the fact that you never got closure on the relationship that you are still caught up in the past, also the fact that you keep in contact with some family members, its your way of not letting go.
Have you ever tried calling him, or even sending him a message to clear the "air"? I would suggest you send him a message congratulating him and telling him that you hope that yourll could have remained friends and would like to meet him for coffee. Worst thing he can say is no, and you will be no worst off and if he says yes, have this meeting and see if you can put your past to rest. If he is mature he will accept your friendship after all its been 5 years and not interfere with his sisters life. I must admit for your ex to go to such lengths sounds like something you said or did (knowingly or unknowingly)that hurt him and seems like he also never got closure.
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A
male
reader, Boost +, writes (2 September 2013):
I don't think you and your friend should cut ties. At the end of the day it was your ex who ended it not yourself, if it was you that ended it that would probably be a different situation. By the sound of it there are feelings still on both sides. Definitely his side as trying to cut you out of his sisters life says to me that he's trying to remove all existence of you. Maybe it would be worth messaging him or arranging to speak to him and see what the outcome is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): Don't cut ties with the sister! She wants to remain friends, backing away is not being a good friend. She is aware of what she's doing, she is hoping he will open his eyes and see how odd he is acting. Don't let her down by turning down her friendship! It's so stupid. Just don't get involved, meet up as normal and don't talk about it.
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