A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: a quick question about porn From the many questions I read on here many women are uncomfortable with their partners using porn. I know how they feel because personally it makes me feel inadequate and hurt that my husband wants to look at other women naked...I have read the many posts and it seem many women feel the same way ...most of the rsponses seem to say 'try to understand a mans needs' or 'men are more visual 'etc and encourage women to accept it and not see it as a reflection of how their man sees them....however no one seems to expect men to understand and accept womens feelings on this.....why arnt men finding ways to stop women feeling hurt and inadequate by not using porn...do men simply not care? or do they see it as their God given right to exploit and hurt women?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): "If a woman "feels" hurt and "inadequate" frankly my dear, that is the woman's own fault. Nobody makes you feel inadequate, you choose to compare yourself with others, and you choose to feel envious and jealous of other women, you choose to put yourself down, that's what you choose to do, nobody forces you to feel like that. Envy, jealousy are very nasty traits in a female, and she should try to get help with her "insecurities" and her "issues" from a mental health professional."
Diovonlestat, do you have an emotional bone in your body? A compassionate ounce in you??
Why in god's name would someone CHOOSE to be in the hell that comes with learning your partner is compulsively whacking off to other women? You assume that people feel this pain because they "choose" to--that's out of line toward the people who write in here. You assume that they are trying to control their partner (and we all know what a nasty word "control" is), deprive them of a precious "hobby", and in other ways be castrating bitches. Have you ever known a successful marriage or partnership where the two people involved did NOT make concessions for the other? Did not have SOME behaviors that had to change? You add to people's pain when you accuse them of being controlling about a behavior that is making them ill.
This hell is nothing anyone chooses, they cannot HELP having this reaction. You think people DECIDE to feel so wretched? Does it occur to you that the insecurity that people feel when their partner is repeatedly turned on by porn is a NATURAL reaction--or at least an inevitable one-- and not something to be scoffed at, as you do? This is not a harmless hobby; if it were you wouldn't see so many posts here about it. It is not the equivalent of women reading romance novels, or shopping, for god's sakes, that's ridiculous. (You think women are masturbating while trying on shoes?)
Flash--you say you like porn and so many people you know do, and this is normal in your world--maybe you and your friends are the sick ones. If you want to get off on fake sex, fine, but lay off the people here who are hurting.
You piss me off with your scorn toward people who hurt, and your condescending, omnipotent attitude. LIsten to the pain.
A
female
reader, IGetIt  +, writes (21 November 2008):
"...there's not one who would not go ballistic over my repeatedly...CORRECTION--I should have said:"...there's not one who would not go ballistic IF I HAD repeatedly...
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A
female
reader, IGetIt +, writes (19 November 2008):
Hello,You point is entirely well-founded. Please don't listen to the responder who said your feelings are your problem and your inadequacy is your problem. That was cruel and heartless. It sounds like a lot of the responders are young and grew up with the internet, and there's no doubt that porn is a larger part of this population's life. The jury is still out on how this will affect their lives in the long term. In the meantime, marriages have been destroyed, women have gone through hell, and a lot of men are trapped in this hideous compulsion. The numbers are staggering. I think back to all my ex-boyfriends--there's not one who would not go ballistic over my repeatedly (and the repetition is key) getting aroused to orgasm by focusing on images of beautiful men. And don't even get me started on the notion of how men and women are so different in this area. Please. I'm so tired of being told by men how it's different for me, I'm not visual. How do they know? I just won't listen any more to how men just can't help it, or it's a harmless hobby. It's not. Look at the numbers.My ex broke my home office computer twice with his usage. You know who my biggest supporters were when we split? Other men. My male friends. Don't tell me there's not a whole out of them out there that don't get it, because many wouldn't dream of hurting their partners this way.My heart goes to you. I wish you peace as you continue to work through this issue and heal. Please don't let anyone minimize what you're going through. It's huge.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2008): I'm sorry but not everyone agrees with your views.
It doesn't make everyone else uninformed or indifferent, it makes them 3 dimensional unique human beings.
Realize that your view probably feels every bit as foreign to them, as their view feels to you.
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A
female
reader, Befuddled1 +, writes (4 September 2008):
 Diovan...judging by my past and current boyfriends it would appear I actually have a thing for bald tubbies anyway.
Maybe I should borrow your porn!
:0)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): Most poeple tell the woman to get over her partner watching porn and accept it for the same reason that most people tell the guy to get over his problem dealing with his girlfriend's past. It is insecurity that causes both feelings and the best solution is to deal with one's insecurities. Yes, it's not easy. I've been there. OK, you will say that him watching porn can be changed while her past can't. True, but it is still insecurity of some kind that causes the problem and insecurity will just cause other problems in the future if not dealt with as soon as possible.
So he stops looking at porn. Next week he will take a glance at some hot babe at the market. Then she's whining that he is cheating. It's the same insecurity. Now he stops looking at all other women. What is next? Insecurity causes control and control isn't good for any lasting relationship. One or both parties are going to be unhappy. Work on the root problem, the insecurity. This goes for both men and women, whatever their insecurity problem is. That is the only solution to these types of problems.
My wife and I are now secure with what each other does. We both trust each other. We don't care if the other looks at some member of the opposite sex. We con't care if some member of the opposite sex looks at us, and she gets a lot of looks sometimes. Hell, I even like that, because I am the one that she goes home with every night. We worked on our insecurities many years ago and continue to do so if something raises it's ugly head. We help each other. We used to sometimes give in for a time to give the other time to work on what they didn't feel secure with, but we never just gave in to the other's wishes forever. Neither should you and nrither should your husband. Relationships are about communication, compromise and helping each other. Not giving in to each other, but actually helping each other with their feelings and fears.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): Hi Befuddled,
The answer is "Dodgy Porn", in the stuff I like the men are GORGEOUS, muscular and very "well built"... :^D
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A
female
reader, Befuddled1 +, writes (4 September 2008):
(Diovan!!!!..)Either I've seen some proper dodgy porn or the men in them aren't the best...lets be honest they're all bald with tubby tums...it is as if they drag a man in off the street as long as they can maintain an erection they'll do!I'd rather look at the women and I'm straight!For the lady who feels upset...You are fully justified feeling the way you do...you can't help how you feel, and like you say ...a lot of other women feel the same. Some women don't care, other women see it as cheating.Don't feel inadequate...these porn actresses suffer to look the way they do, bet they hardly eat...they have their cracks waxed and many have implants stuffed in them...it is their living. Even they dont really look like that...its clever photography!I always wonder if when they eventually have kids if their son's mate might hand them a dvd a school with their 'mum' on!Anyway...i digress...Take comfort that you are not alone in feeling like you do and if your fella is still wanting to be intimate with you then he obviously has enough to go round.Lifes too short to be unhappy about anything with your partner so try to reach a compromise babegood luck x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 September 2008):
 Let's all just blame Bill Gates and move on, shall we?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): PS: Why do some women like porn... well porn has naked men having sex too. Why do you concentrate on the women in porn, why aren't you realizing that it takes two people to have sex. There are various types of porn, some include a man and a woman, some include many women and men, there is porn with only one woman, or one man, there is porn that has only man-on-man or woman-on-woman sex. What type of porn are you talking about. If you never use it, how do you know what he is looking at. For all you know he could have slight homosexual tendancies, and he really enjoys looking at men having sex and no women at all are involved... You generalize too much, there is more to porn than looking at pretty women, some men get turned on by looking at grandmothers having sex. :^D
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): Indeedy, I couldn't agree more Askoldersister and Waz.
The problem as I see it is one of control. Why should a man's "hobby" be dictated by a woman. I never see a man asking a woman to give up watching romantic films because the lead actor makes him feel "insecure".... Actually these questions from women who hate porn make me feel "insecure" as well. Many women have personally been offensive to me, because I like porn, why should I be made to feel inadequate because I have confidence in myself and my relationships with the opposite sex....
I feel exactly like you Askoldersis. I don't understand why "some" women think themselves so important that the demand to take up all of a man's time and energy. I hate the amount of control that "some" women demand, including the right to tell a man what to do with his eyes, his hands, and his thoughts. This would scare me, if a man tried to do this to me, and I don't understand why "some" women think it's ok to do this to anyone at all.
Waz is right. How come I've seen very few post from men complaining about women using porn. Like Askoldersis, all my women friends use porn, in fact, most women I meet, from 16 to 60 use it as well. Why don't some women understand the fact that in my world this is normal and these women who hate porn are strange.
Ms anonymous is perfectly right. If you don't like to see porn, then the correct action to take is to ask your partner to keep it where you can't see it, and use it when you are not arround. This is a fair compromise in a situation where you don't like porn. But to demand he stop completely, sounds like selfishness to me, and leads to a very controlling abusive relationship, where women dictate everything and men loose out.
Waz is also correct, I've said it many times before, MOST MEN (NOT ALL) LIKE PORN, and Some women (not all) women like porn too. It is not good to overgeneralize like this, you offended the millions of men that don't like porn, by forgetting about them.
If a woman "feels" hurt and "inadequate" frankly my dear, that is the woman's own fault. Nobody makes you feel inadequate, you choose to compare yourself with others, and you choose to feel envious and jealous of other women, you choose to put yourself down, that's what you choose to do, nobody forces you to feel like that. Envy, jealousy are very nasty traits in a female, and she should try to get help with her "insecurities" and her "issues" from a mental health professional.
Your arguement is illogical, men are not exploiting and hurting women, they are not making them feel inadequate by looking at porn. Women are doing this themselves, they exploit the issue of porn to hurt and abuse men and try to keep them under their control. Then the make other women and men feel inadequate and hurt by using emotional abuse to make them feel moral inferior, when they demand, "do what I say, like what I like, because only my feelings matter, and if you don't you are not treating me right.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (3 September 2008):
 Hey there,
I think it is generalising to say that 'men' see it as their right to exploit and hurt women - there are plenty of men who aren't into porn at all, or who are but respect women. Having said that - I can see your point. Why is there always this need to justify a guys use of porn?? I really don;t know. I suspect it has something to do with a long history of male's accessing porn - it's been socialised into alot of guys - so many of them view it as 'no big deal, a guy thing etc etc. How many teenage boys have the nude chick leaning over the bonnet of a hot car pinned to their bedroom wall? It can be like a 'rite of passage' in some cases. I don;t agree with it at all - but sex role stereotyping surely plays a part. Then the 'experts' use their knowledge of the "male psyche and male reproductive urge etc" to come up with reasons why men loe their porn...and so the cycle continues.
I think rather than focusing on the "bigger picture" here (cause there is no simple answer)what you really need to focus on is YOUR man - and HIS use of porn. Obviously you don;t like it, and it is effecting your self esteem, confidence, relationship etc. I don;t think you should accept that. Rather than crusade for ALL women you should start smaller - talk with your man about how his porn use makes you feel, see if he is willing to make some compromises. He might surprise you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): Fact is, it's the norm. If it wasn't then it wouldn't happen so much because it's a thing men are expected to do, you get very young boys looking at porn at a young age. Their encouraged to do it by both genders.
Personally I don't care, as long as my b/f dosen't tell me he looks at it and hides his stash from me, I may have found it! but at least he didn't want me to know he watched it.
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